Gaslight

"You're nothing but a fucking slut!" My best friend of ten years screamed in my face as she slammed her bedroom door on my arm. "Get the fuck away from me, you bitch!" She roared, putting all 315 pounds of her weight against the door with my arm stuck in it. 

I gritted my teeth through the pain. I had to get through the door no matter what. She had an exacto knife and was cutting herself again. I cried and begged for her to stop. I reminded her for what must have been the two millionth time that I loved her more than anything and that she was my best friend and the reason I came to this frozen tundra of a state. 

Cold laughter came from the other side. "Ah, yes, you love me. That's why you keep choosing sex with that disgusting THING you call a boyfriend over spending time with me. That's all you care about is spreading your legs..." the cold, mocking laughter continued. "I'm just going to kill myself so I'm not a bother to you anymore. That way you can have all the sex you want."  

Tears streamed down my face. "I was only with him for four hours..." I pushed against the door, and got it to open enough to get some of my body through. She crunched it against my shoulder. I yelped. 

"That's what you get for trying to stop me. It's pointless." Her voice was dead. I heard the distinct sound of her slashing away at her skin.

I pushed against the door again, and barrelled my way in. I grabbed the knife out of her hand, "Just stop it!" I cried, tears and snot streaming down my face. "I didn't do anything wrong! Please! Just stop doing this! Stop fighting with me!" I wailed. 

She smiled her cold, malicious, and otherwise empty smile. Her icy blue eyes completely devoid of any emotion as she looked on at my suffering. She wiped the blood pooling on her leg on my face and hair. Her smile got bigger. "None of this would be happening if you'd just dump that piece of shit..." She taunted. 

I screamed and fell to the floor. I curled up into the fetal position and shook and cried. "Please, please just make this all stop!" 

Suddenly, she was crying. "Nickie! Nickie!" She sobbed. "I love you, Nickie! Please don't leave me...It'll be ok..." She cuddled up to my shaking form, and wrapped her arms around me. 

Instead of taking the affection that was being forced on me like I had every other time, I jumped away from her and let out a heartwrenching scream. "Don't touch meeeeee!" I wailed. 

I ran to my room and slammed the door shut, burying myself under my blankets. I cried into my pillows as I heard the sound of her banging her head into the wall. I felt something within me cracking.

 "You're weak." She said, standing outside my door. "This is all it takes to make you walk away from me?" She laughed. "That's all you ever do is walk away. That's all you're good for now is abandoning me so you can have sex." A moment of silence, and then, "Oh well, time to get the knife." 

"NO!!!" I screeched, tearing out of my bedroom and running into the kitchen, where she was standing with her cold smile and a knife to her wrist. 

"Yes!" She said cheerfully. "It'll make you happy!" She continued to babble on in a sickening manner. "I'm doing this for you. Because you hate me. But I love you. And this is all I can think of to do, so that you will be truely happy again. If I'm out of the picture, you can have all the sex you want. You won't have to worry about cooking for me, or cleaning. The house will be all yours. I'll even let you have my stuff. But that boy can't have any. And he can't live here. He's filth, and you deserve so much better, Nickie. I keep trying to protect you from these kinds of people, but you won't listen to me anymore. You really do hate me now. I can tell. You resent me. Stop denying it! You'll feel so much better if you just hit me yourself and tell me that you hate me!" 

I growled and grabbed the knife from her before she could cut herself. At that moment, whatever was cracking inside of me broke. Tears streamed down my face, and maniacal laughter echoed through the apartment. "No! It's me who should die so you'll be happy! If I just go away, then you won't have any reason to hurt yourself anymore!" The laughter belonged to me. My stomach sank, as I watched myself go insane. "I've always loved you and never given you a reason to doubt it, but that's all you do! It's you who hates me, so stop projecting yourself on me!" 

I laughed and cried and laughed some more as she looked at me with an expression of pure horror on her face and wrestled the knife out of my hands. 

"Nickie!" She sobbed, pulling me into a tight embrace and petting my hair. "Don't say stuff like that, none of it's true. You know I love you, and I know you love me..."

I pushed her away, bawling my eyes out. "I...I have to leave." I managed to choke out. "It's not safe for either of us for me to be here. I have to go calm down. Please understand. I wanna help. I wanna fix this. But I can't right now." 

That night, for the first time, I walked away from one of our fights. 

It became a new, recurring trend in our violent cycle, until I finally gained the strength and sense of self to walk away from the toxic thing I used to call a friendship permantly.