The Shadow I'm In

For as long as I can remember my older brother has played baseball. Not just played, but dominated. He has always been the talk of our small town. How he was going to go play in college, then in the major leagues. His trophies, plaques, and medals litter every part of our house, the local high school, and the sports bar down town. His name is famous around here; its all anyone ever talks about.

You see in our town it was not about football, or basketball, or swimming, or tennis, its baseball. Moreover, anyone who is not into baseball is shunned from the public eye. I am one of those people. Everyone around here knows me as his little brother. Not by my name, I did not even think they remember my name. I'm just his kid brother.

As I walk through the halls of our high school, all the girls are giggling about him and even some of the more flamboyant guys. The walls and lockers are plastered with his pictures and the news about the game with another city. He is a senior and I am a freshmen. No one even picks on me because I'm his kid brother. My books are clutched to my chest as I pass him and a group of his baseball buddies, big-breasted girls hanging from their arms. He doesn't even notice me.

Am I that hard to look passed? Light brown hair sticking up in every direction, because of the way I toss and turn at night, it stays that way even after I comb and brush it. Baggy black shirt concealing my small frame, along with my relax fit blue jeans that conform to my hips only because of the belt that I wear. I don't think I am. I'm not as outgoing as my brother but I do stick out I think. I am about the only person not wearing a shirt from some sports team or band.

The days pass just as this one did. Quiet. No one really talks to me; I sit by myself in all my classes and at lunch. The only time I interact with people is when we have group projects or they run into me in the hall saying sorry to his brother.

I take the long walk home today. He will be there early. They didn't have practice today, it is his birthday. Mom and Dad will have invited the entire neighborhood to our house, in our backyard for his birthday. All I get for mine is a cake bought from the store that was on sale, a new game for my current gaming system, and a hug from him. That's all he has ever given me, promising to get me something the next year, seeing as how he spent all of his money on his new girlfriend.

Don’t get me wrong, I don't hate my brother, or even dislike him. I love him with all of my being, and I think that is the problem. I love him too much. In addition, it’s not because he’s good at baseball or anything like that. It’s just him. My heart runs miles a minute when he touches me, even if it is just our legs brushing under the table, because he's 6 foot 4 inches, or the bump of our hands when we do the dishes together, or when we pass in the too small hall to get to our separate rooms. My dreams only consist of him. Of him saying my name repeatedly, his warm smile being directed at me and only me. I shouldn't have these thoughts though. I think there is something wrong with me.

I reach our house and it is just as I expected. People crowded the living room, kitchen, and dinning room. The baseball team and people from school out on the back lawn. No one says hello to me as I enter the house or while I make my way through them trying to escape to my room. No one will look for me. No one cares, not even Mom and Dad. Their star is outside, turning 18, why would they care about a no body like me?

I drop my bag next to the door as I kick off my shoes, covering the carpeted floor with more of my mess. My feet bring me to my bed so that I can fall back on it, my arms going behind my head. I gazed up at the ceiling but all that came to my vision was he. His smiling face, laughing, and joking with the people around him. Why can’t he be like that with me? One of my hands reach up above me, fingers trying to touch his face, his beautiful caramel colored hair, his softly tanned skin. But it is just in my imagination.

My eyes glance over to my computer desk, my arm dropping down beside me. Sitting on top of the mess of papers and books is a heavily wrapped present that I picked up just for him. I spent hours at the mall trying to find something to get him, but came up with nothing. The internet proved more useful. But my mind is still trying to decide if I should give the gift wrapped in sparkling baseball paper to him. Would he even notice it after his girlfriend gives him something better? Or his coach gives him that new starting bat, which cost over $100? Or when Mom and Dad give him their credit card to go buy a glove that is specially tailored for him? He was getting a scholarship to go to some college 300 miles away, he needs those things. But does he need my gift? Probably not. It will just sit in his closet here and collect dust just like his old action figures that he has yet to throw away.

I rolled over onto my side, wrapping my arms around myself, feeling my eyes start to sting. I'm just his useless little brother that is going nowhere in life. He doesn't even notice me more then half the time. I wouldn’t let myself cry over him. He is something that I never could have. I squeeze my eyes shut keeping the hot tears from falling. He clouds my every thought. And my every dream…

A knock at my door brings me from sleep but just barely. I grunt a reply, turning over to face one of my walls covered with pictures of paintings and drawings, curling back up into my warm blankets that I had gathered in my sleep. I did not expect the door to be opening or the light footsteps that were falling on my carpet coming closer to my mostly sleeping form. The weight that came to my bed startled my mind fully awake, but the hand that placed itself on my shoulder, the hand slowly creeping to rub a small portion of my back caused my heart to race and my breath to quicken in fear. No one ever touched me unless it was on accident.

"Basil, your brother said you would be in here. He wants you to come outside." I didn't know this body that leaned down so that the voice could speak into my ear, so that his lips touched the smooth surface making my body shiver. I tried to pull away but he held me to the spot with the hand had increased its pressure on my shoulder where it had traveled back to. "Now, now. Your brother wouldn't like it if you were disobedient." I struggled against him anyway, body trying to pull away from his grasp. The other boy moved fully onto my bed then, laying on his side so that my back was to his chest, one of his arms sliding under my body to curl around my waist, while the other moved down my side, caressing my skin over top of my shirt.

This could not be happening to me! No one looks at me, no one notices me, not even my own family!

"Please." I begged softly, my body finally going lax as the larger boy’s hands made their way under my shirt, my voice shock. I knew I could not get away from him, he was far stronger than I. "Stop, please." I felt my eyes fill with tears then, as he leaned forward to whisper in my ear again, rubbing something hard against the top swell of my bottom.

"Sorry, kid, I'm not going to stop. Even if you are Scott's baby brother. Now don't make a sound or else I'll have to break your wrist." My eyes opened wide at the mention of my brother’s name. Could this boy be a member of the baseball team? One of his friends? His hands worked their way over my stomach feeling the muscles quiver under their touch, as I whimpered softly my body acting on its own to try to remove the foreign objects from it. "Do you think you’re invisible to everyone? Do you think no one can see you? Scott worries about you. Did you know that?" He worries about me? “But it doesn’t matter now.” One of his hands slid their way down to the front of my pants, his finger tips teasing under the fabric at the waistband of my boxers.

“Please. Stop.” I heard my voice call again; my spine was tingling from the feel of his hands on my body. No one had ever touched me like this before. And I didn’t want them to. It isn’t right! His hand slipped under my boxers caressing the soft flesh there, the other was at one of my nipples pulling and rolling it between his fingers under my shirt. My stomach was turning now, rolling the slice of school pizza that I had for lunch around and around. On my cheeks was wetness where my eyes had started to cry without me knowing so, the lids squeezed shut.

He shifted behind me, the hand under my pants coming back up to tug at the button keeping them closed, then the zipper. He pushed the hard fabric down my hips slightly exposing my boxers all the more. Why was he doing this? Did he really want me this way or was he doing it for some other reason? Why was this happening to me?

My eyes opened as my head turned to look at the framed posters on my wall, one of the reflections directed my eyes over to my desk; I dared not look behind me. The sparkly paper of his present caught my eye. A sob tore through my body as I thought of him. What would he think of me after this? Would he think that I was weak and was not worth his time more then he already did? Would he give me looks of pity every time he laid his beautiful eyes on my form? Would he be so mad he would leave in a rage go beat this person up? Would he laugh at his little brother because he got what was coming to him?

Both the boy’s hands moved to pull my jeans down my legs shifting again as he did, to get them to my knees without my helping him at all. Is it right that I’m just giving up to him like this? Not even trying to get away? This is my room, in my parents’ house. I should be protected here but I’m not. And he’s having his birthday party right outside my door.

“H-he, will com-come looking for us.” I mumbled softly, not wanting to anger the boy on behind me. He let out a laugh at my statement, his breath coming against my neck, I felt his hands once again on my body, this time running over the inside of my thighs, going up the loose legs of the clothing that I was still wearing on my hips.

“Silly boy. Your brother doesn’t even know I’m here. I wasn’t invited. You see we got into a fight a few weeks back.” One of his hands moved up to cup my testicles and soft cock, making my body jump. I started to struggle again, my limbs twisting and turning trying to get away from the touch of the other boy, my elbow going to prop myself up, the other one going back to elbow the boy behind me. No one had a right to touch me there but me. He caught the elbow going back at him and pinned it to my side, the other hand going to grab my arm from supporting me, bending my arm at an odd angle behind me. He brought both of my arms together behind me, one of his hands keeping hold of them as I struggled, though I knew I was, trapped.

“In fact, our fight was about you.” My eyes opened wide at the notion. Why had he gotten into a fight about me? “You see little Basil, I’ve wanted your ass for so long, since the first time I saw you walk through the door when I was hanging out with Scott.” He was one of his friends. “I had plans of making you mine and I told Scott, he hit me and dared me to touch you. If he ever found out that I even laid a finger on you, I would be dead.” He really said that? Another chuckle from behind as the hand that wasn’t holding onto mine traveled down my body to start tugging on the waistband of my boxers, bring them down to join my pants around my knees. “Now, he will be sorry that he ever made that statement to me. See what he does when he finds out that his precious little brother was raped right under his nose at his birthday celebration.”

His hand moved up to push my shirt up my torso leaving most of my body open to the cool air in the room. My eyes clutched shut as more sobs broke from my body. This could not be happening to me!