What We Didn't Do

Have you ever had one of those weeks where nothing goes right and then finally, just when you’re ready to tank a bottle of pills the best thing happens and restores your faith in humanity? Yeah me too.

Dog died, mom and dad fight because money’s too tight and the rain won’t stop falling. I’m still sick, Jeannie won’t leave and the boxes are still packed. All you need is a release and there’s never anyone around that you want.

The party was pretty hot, the guys were half naked and the music hits your head with a numbing thud. Everyone’s up for it, and hey new boy from Chicago is tasty, but I didn't have the inclination to be bothered with a toilet and E.

Almost seems like a bad idea when you put it like that, but there’s always the one that stands out. Not ‘cos he’s particularly hot, but because he’s got something the others can’t touch. There’s the one on the couch that doesn’t have to move and you know he’s the one that gets the ladies all shook up. Then there’s the sweetheart that dances like no one’s watching, his arms in the air. He’s the kind of guy that spent a few hundred dollars to go see Barbara live.

But the one that stands out in a crowded club, with sweat falling from the sky is the guy that doesn’t want to be there. The gay at the bar, drinking his whatever, not listening to the music.

His name’s Alex and he detests this kind of thing, but in the end he hasn’t got much of a choice when it comes to sex. Where else do you go for a quick one when most non-clubbing fags are looking to settle down?

“I’m Rafe, just moved here, can I get you another?”

“Nah, just let me take you home.”

Pretty simple. Takes you by surprise when the bored older guy is ready to fuck you to death. I can’t complain, bored as shit with a life that is slowly running into a drain. I don’t want his life story I want his cock and by fuck I’m actually gunna get it.

His place is pretty sweet, not too big, open plan with bedrooms to the left and bathroom on the right. I stuck my hands in my pockets and waited for an invitation.

“You want a beer?” He asked, opening the fridge door.

“Sure thing. Nice place you got,”

“Thanks, I try to keep it that way.”

I scanned the room and took note of the little things. I’m not totally heartless about who I’m gunna bed.

“Where you from then?”

“Chicago, well little town outside Chicago. It’s not much.”

“You bored yet?”

“Thought you’d never ask.”

The bottle was placed on the counter top and we started kissing furiously. I’m not stuck up about one night stands and kissing. Be pretty boring without it.

He’s got a warm kiss, one of those old fashioned passionate without being desperate. I made it pretty easy for him, tugging my tee off and grabbing his ass. I could feel his dick, and that always spurs me on and I headed for the sofa. He had other plans and we make it to the first bedroom.

In there he took off his own shirt, button by button, teasing a little as I just watch. He noted that I’m not exactly the blushing flower I made out to be in the cab over. I unzipped my jeans and yanked them down. My hard on flicked out at the release and I could see he was a lil’ impressed. I couldn’t wait much longer, he may not be desperate, but I fucking was. His jeans were at the mercy of my touch, same as his boxers and both are off in seconds. I allowed myself a moment to admire him for a sec and then I was on my back, my own boxers being tugged off.

Fuck it feels good, knowing that in a short while I’d be cumming so hard I won’t remember his name.

He got rough, kissing me heavily, brushing my nipples with his nails. My back lifts a little and with that my leg is pushed up ready for him.

He stops, looks at me, and suddenly he’s afraid.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this,” he pulled away and stood.

“What?”

“I’m really sorry, I just can’t,”

“What the fuck?” I’m throbbing and he stands, suddenly limp, pulling his boxers back on, “Oh god you’re not a fucking virgin are you?”

“No, no, I just…it’s complicated, I’m really sorry.”

It’s a bad fucking week. I looked around, reached over to his side table and looked in the drawer, “Ok, either you are a virgin, or really unprepared, ‘cos you have nothing in there.”

“Just unprepared,” he mumbled “I thought I’d be ok with this. I guess I’m not, sorry for wasting your time.”

Shit, “Shit, you only just broke up with your partner right? The photo on the fridge door. There’s only one photo of you and this guy so he’s pretty important,”

“He died,” he whispered, looking down at his feet.

Fuck.

“I’m sorry, I should have just left,”

“It’s ok, like I said I thought I was ready,”

I started to leave but he just looked at me, “How long?”

“Just over a year,” he whispered his hands in his pockets.

I found my muscles stiffen in my chest; that unwanted feeling of guilt creeping up from my balls, “Do…well do you want to talk or something? I mean, I don’t know you but –”

“Thanks, it’s no big deal. He just got sick one day, you know how it is. One day you’re popping the pills you’re told to take but there’s always that feeling that it could change over night.”

“Fuck yeah,” my voice wasn’t my own “Look babe, I’m sorry, I’ll be out your hair now.”

I got up to leave, he shook his head, “Where you gunna go but home? It’s two in the morning. The least I can do after dragging you here is let you stay.”

He had a point. Like I could be fucked to find a cab or walk when my legs felt like stone and I’d get a good whack of tiredness in ten minutes.

“I can take the couch – ”

“No I will,”

“I can’t, how ‘bout I keep you company?”

I was saying shit that I hadn’t said before. What did I care about this guy with his dead boyfriend and tight ass? Too fucking much for my liking.

“That…ok.”

He climbed into his own bed next to me as I pulled the covers around. His eyes were on the white ceiling and I just watched him for a minute. I was guilty, horny and compassionate.

“My twin died. Stupid fuck. Instead of getting himself checked out he left it. Year later he was gone. Caught a stomach illness and that was it. Immune system shot to pieces.”

I felt a rustle, “Your twin?”

“Yeah. Philip, well his name was Philip, everyone called him Pip. He liked it that way,”

“How old were you?”

“Eighteen. It was weird, identical twins, both gay, both with HIV, it was like some weird joke some cheap bastard was playing,”

“Shit. Is it true what they say, that you have this sixth sense thing, like you can feel what the other’s feeling?”

“Not really,” I shrugged, turning to face him “I mean he cried when he was sad and laughed when he was happy, there wasn’t much to tell there really. I mean yeah, he was the closest I’ve ever been to anybody but…I didn’t lose this massive piece of myself when he died.”

Quiet. Fingers twisted fabric of the sheet, “Jack, my partner, caught the flu. His temperature shot up one day, he started hallucinating. We piled him up with more medication but…well…”

I put my arm around him, “Don’t cry. I’m shit if anyone cries. I get all confused and have to eat something.”

Got a smile, a little laugh. Why did I care?

“Innocent little boy, randy bastard and now all sensitive. Who are you?” His face pressed against the inside of my arm.

“I ain’t got a clue, sweetheart.”
*
He cooked me eggs. Sunny side up on wholemeal. Sat at this small round table, watching each other. Neither of us flinched. We spoke pretty casual, just about the club we were at, twinkies who didn’t know the way shit went, how long we’d been sick. Sure I bent my story a little, he was taken back by the fact I was fourteen when I got my first pack of pills, didn’t want to scare him with the rest of the shit. Heart attacks suit me as well as crying.

I know I shouldn’t be so casual. Just saying I’m sick when actually I have a life threatening disease; that I’m barely surviving on sixteen pills a day. Yeah I know, but hey, when you’ve had it for most of your life, you tend not to be hung up on little facts like that.

I said I had to go, which I did. Still had a mountain of boxes and Jeannie was gunna go over some little things with me for my brother’s self-righteous parade.

He closed the door behind me with a little smile, all sweet and soft. He was pretty cute, I’d give him that.