forgive my failure

A/N: My first try in writing instead of just reading. Hope you‘ll have fun.
English is not my first language… sorry for mistakes! PLEASE REVIEW!!!






Leave it all behind

Part I

“Jake, please, calm down! You know I love you,” Charlie let his right hand softly slide down his lovers cheek.

“No. I don’t know right now. Why don’t you want to come with me? We could live together and start afresh. It will be perfect, please baby. Come with me!” Jake pleaded.

They have been a couple for more then 4 years now. They had met in high school and had fallen in love after the first look into each others eyes.
It was their anniversary and Jake had planned a picnic. It was a sunny afternoon and everything seemed to be perfect until Jake started to talk about his plans for the next following weeks.

Yesterday he got an answer from Boston college and Charlie from the police academy.
Since he had been a little boy, Charlie had always wanted to be a police officer like his father had been one. Everything would be so perfect. They could live together, because the academy was also in Boston. They always dreamed to share their life with each other, but the situation had changed.

10 month ago Charlie’s mother died in a car accident and now he lived with his little brother Jared in the house of their grandmother Ruby.

It was a hard time and Jake understood why his lover didn’t want to let it all behind. The pain was too fresh to let go, but he didn’t want to loose him and give up all their plans.

“I can’t leave them. Jared will not understand,”
”Charlie… I know you love him. I love him, too. We will visit them. Baby, you are not a selfish bastard just because you think of your own future. Please… come with me,”

Jake remembered the day, three years ago, when Charlie’s phone rang and his mother called because her labour pain had started and she needed someone to drive her to the hospital. Charlie ran around like a headless chicken and was screaming again and again, that his mum told him yesterday, that there were more then 2 weeks left until the baby would come and that she must be wrong.

Jake could still laugh about this statement. Mrs Franklin had screamed into the phone, that he had heard her when he was in another room. How could she be wrong? But Charlie was completely lost in his panic and so Jake needed to take control about the whole situation. He took Charlie home to pick up his mother and drove them to the hospital.

It was horrible to hear Mrs. Franklin scream because of the pain. They both were scared to death. But then, almost four hours later, they heard the sound of a crying baby and hugged each other tightly. When they first saw this beautiful, littler baby boy they started to cry and both loved him right from this second.

They saw his first steps and heard him mumble his first words. Jake too, was proud like a big brother at this moments. And it was a hard time too, to see them suffer when they lost their mother. But life needs to go on.

“Are you still with me?” Charlie interrupted Jake’s thoughts, who looked up in surprise. Charlie loved it when Jake was so lost in his thoughts, that he didn’t noticed anything around him. He looked like a little boy who dreamed of his new bike…

When Charlie looked into those chocolate eyes he couldn’t resist but kiss him. Jake moaned softly when their tongues met. He touched the others chest and started to stroke it. Suddenly Charlie stepped back. Leaving both breathlessly looking at each other.
“I need to go. I will call you tomorrow. I love you!” with this Charlie started to run away.
“Talk to her. I love you, too,” Jake shouted after him.

************************

Charlie tried his best to enter the house soundless.
It was already night and he didn’t want to wake someone. He tiptoed to Jared’s room and opened the door slowly. The dimming light from the floor let him see, that he was peacefully sleeping.

Charlie walked to the bed and kissed Jared softly on his forehead. He loved this little boy so much, it hurt.
I can’t leave you!
Quietly he left again and walked to his own room and fell into his bed with a moan. For a moment he just lay there, doing nothing but breathing.
What shall I do?
He stood up and undressed himself then crawled under the covers again. Next to his pillow on the nightstand stood the picture of himself and his mum with baby Jared in her arms.

She had always told him how proud she was of her two beautiful boys. They looked so happy, but it lay in the past. His mother was dead and he tried to accept it, but he couldn’t. It was impossible. He missed her so damn much.
Tears were streaming down Charlie’s cheeks when he cried himself into sleep.

************************

“Farlie… breagfast is ready. Come… weag ub. I want to play wiff you,”

Charlie tried to ignore his little brother on top of him and pulled his pillow over his head, but Jared didn’t want to give up that easy.
His head hurt from the lack of sleep. So finally he gave up when Jared started to jump up and down on his bed. Charlie sat up and caught him.

Jared was laughing loudly when his big brother started to tickle him.
Charlie stopped and gave him a big kiss on his now red cheek. Then he stood up to get dressed.

“Granma and I made pancakes. She said one day I will be a good coog,” Jared smiled proudly and Charlie ruffled his hair. “Yeah, I think she’s right. And now come on. I can’t wait to taste them,” he smiled softly when Jared ran out of the room. He was a real whirlwind.

*******

“Good morning, sweetheart. You slept well?” Ruby stood next to the sink and tied to clean the mess Jared had left behind from cooking.
“Yep”, Charlie yawned and sat down on his chair. The pancakes were black and didn’t look really tasty. Charlie smiled softly.
Ruby was a fantastic woman, but a horrible cook. And the three year old Jared wasn’t any better.

She really tried her best to be a good grandmother and to make them feel better after the death of their mother. Years ago she lost her son, Charlie’s father James. He died when he wanted to stop a thief. A bullet hit his heart. He was dead immediately.

It happened ten years ago. Charlie had just been eight and had cried all the time. Constance, her daughter in law, had been completely lost.

Ruby herself didn’t feel any better, but she took care of Charlie. He didn’t understand why his beloved father couldn’t be around anymore.
And now they lost Constance as well.
Ruby was everything that was left. She didn’t know Jared’s father. He left his mother after she got pregnant.
He was an asshole, but it wasn’t important, because everything she needed to know was that she loved her boys all the same way. Like her own flesh and blood.

Ruby turned around and glanced at Charlie.
“How is Jake? And when did you came home last night?” she asked with a soft smile on her face. She knew the two of them were in love and she was happy for her grandson. Jake was a good looking and very friendly boy. She liked him.

“I don’t know, but it was late. Sorry for not calling you,” he said and took another sip of his coffee.
“Oh, its ok,”
The next few minutes were spent in silence. Charlie couldn‘t look her in the eyes and Ruby felt something was wrong. Normally he talked much more.
The only noises came from the children which were playing outside.

Jared was playing in the garden with some kids from the neighbourhood. And from time to time Ruby could hear some laugher.

„Charlie, what‘s wrong? Why can‘t you look me in the eyes? Did something happened yesterday?“ Ruby asked.

Charlie looked away once again. „ I got news from the academy. I will start in September.“ he answered quietly.
„Charlie, I thought we talked about it before. I don‘t want you to be a cop. You are a smart boy. You could do everything you want.“ Ruby answered in a harsh voice and let the forks fall back into the sink.

„Ruby, its my fucking life. You know I always wanted to be like dad. But just because I‘m a cop doesn‘t mean, that I will die like him. It was always my dream to do that,“

“No Charlie. I lost one son. I don’t want to lose you the same way. And what is with Jared. I’m just an old woman. Do you really want him to grow up without his big brother? Boston is far away. You can’t come visit us every weekend. Jared will not understand why your never around. He needs you and I need you, too!” she argued.

“I will come as often as possible. And when I know my new home a little better I can take Jared with me for a while,” Charlie looked at her with watery eyes.

As soon as his words left his mouth he knew they were an illusion. As an recruit he would be happy for just getting some sleep and a little time for himself. There would be no time to take care for a little boy like Jared.
He had thought about it earlier, but he never wanted to believe that he really needed to leave Jared for his dream.
Charlie looked out of the window.

Jared was sitting in the sandbox and tried to build a castle. It must have rained last night, because Jared was almost completely covered in mud. But it didn’t seemed to disturb him. Actually he really seemed to be happy, because he had a bright smile on his dirty face. He looked so cute.
Charlie couldn’t help but smile, too.

“Charlie I’m talking to you,” Ruby interrupted his thoughts. He blinked and looked at her.
“I will go whatever you say. But I want your approval…”

“No! Never! I will never support this suicide. When you really want to leave us I don’t want you to come back,” Ruby screamed at him with tears in her eyes.
Charlie looked shocked, his mouth wide open. She couldn’t really mean what she said.
“But… no… “ he started to stutter.

“Charlie… I love you and I don’t want you to go away and you know it. But I can’t bear it anymore. I lost my son, I lost your mother and I don’t want to lose you, too. But if you are a cop one day it will happen and I …” Ruby’s voice broke and she sank down on her knees.
She was shaking and sobbing. Charlie jumped up on his feet and ran to her side.

“Grandma, are you alright?” Charlie kneeled down to helped her stand up and lead Ruby to a chair so she could sit and try to calm herself down. Her heart was beating too fast. This had never happened before and when it started to slow down once again she could just stare at him.

“Grandma? Are you alright? I’m sorry! … I’m so sorry…” Charlie started to cry when he saw the pale face in front of him. He leaned forward and hugged her tightly.

************

1 hour later

Charlie had brought Ruby to her room so she could lay down and rest for a while.
Now he was sitting in the living room, playing with Jared. He would bring him to the kindergarten, but until then there was some spare time.

Jared was laughing when Charlie tickled him once again this morning. They were playing hunt and hide and every time Charlie found his baby brother somewhere under a chair or behind the sofa Jared was shrieking and tried to run away, but almost every time Charlie caught him.
It was the best time of the day for both of them. They loved the time they had together. Especially Charlie needed this time so badly, because he knew it would end too soon.

Charlie smiled sadly down to his laughing brother.
He picked Jared up in his arms and hugged him tightly. His heart ached so damn much. Was it really the right decision to leave him?

“Farlie… why are you sad?” Jared asked with a confused expression.
Charlie shrugged. “I’m not sad, baby. Don’t worry everything is fine. I’m just a little tired,” Charlie tried his best to smile, but Jared didn’t seemed to believe him. Because even if he nodded his expression told something else.

“And now come on you dirty little thing. Lets bath you,” this time Charlie gave him a real smile because of Jared’s face. He hated bathing and this damn soap burned in his eyes.
Charlie picked him up once again and carried him to the bathroom.

“Farlie… I don’t want so bath…” Jared protested and tried to free himself from Shannon’s grip.
“No. Do you want to stink? I think Paula wouldn’t like it,” he joked.

Paula was some kind of girlfriend for Jared. It was so cute to see them together. Jared looked at her with shy looks and she looked back the same way. They both were just three years old and already in love for the first time. Charlie smiled proudly. His baby brother was a real heartbreaker.

Jared narrowed his eyes and shook his head.
Once in the tub he thoroughly enjoyed himself.

Jared splashed noisily while providing sound effects for the many toys floating in the water around him. He loved his little rubber duck and always laugh when it made this squeal noises.

Jared stopped his splashing just long enough to sing the latest children's song, taught to him by his grandmother.

With focused concentration, he attempted to properly control the movements of his fingers while belting out, "Iddy biddy spider crawled up da water spout. Down come da rain…...aaaand washed da spider out!"
Charlie smiled sadly. He was a fantastic boy and he would miss him so much.

********************

Once Jared was clean again Charlie sat him on the passenger seat and drove him to the kindergarten.
Jared hugged him and jumped out of the car after Charlie had opened the door. “Bye, Farlie,”
He run happily into the building and Charlie waved his hands for goodbye.
He turned around again.
Time to meet Jake. After all what had happened he had completely forgotten to call him.

********************

“I don’t know what to do. You should have seen her,” Charlie lay next to his lover and stoke Jake’s chest.

He had told him the whole story and Jake was really sorry for him. The Morison‘s always fought with each other. It was normal, but it was also different, because Jake had a big family and there was always someone he could talk to.
Charlie was alone when it happened. Jared was too small to understand and Ruby and him were all family he had left.

“We could go to Boston these night. We can sleep for some days in a cheap motel. I saved some money and than we will look for an apartment and jobs. We can make it,” Jake said calmly.

Suddenly he looked up in Jake’s face. “What? You want me to leave them so much earlier? No… I can’t do that,” he said quietly and a little shocked. But maybe Jake was right.

“It is your decision. But it would be so much easier. You wouldn’t have to lie to her and Jared…”

“But she said she doesn’t want me to come back. I don’t want to lose them completely,” Charlie interrupted him.

“Do you really think she means it? I can’t believe she want to delete you from their life. She can’t keep you away from Jared,”

“I don’t know. You know I want to be with you…” Charlie was quiet for awhile, his face completely covered in concentration. “… I think you are right. Lets go away this night. That’s the best way. In two days we will be in Boston and than we can start our new life,” he said, but it didn’t sound really convincing.
“Are you really sure? I mean 100 per cent?” Jake asked and sat up so he could look him directly in the eyes. He needed Charlie to be completely sure, or else it would end in a total disaster.

Charlie was quiet for a moment. “Yeah. I’m really sure. You are right, if she really loves me, and I know she does, she will never throw me out of her and Jared’s life,” Jake could hear how hard Charlie tried to believe his own words. And Charlie could see the disbelieve in Jake’s face.

Charlie smiled softly and gave him a gentle kiss. “Come to me at one o’clock.”
Jake kissed him back, but with more enthusiasm.
Charlie moaned when Jake kissed down his throat. They had made love just moments before, but it didn’t count.

They lay naked in Jake’s bed and soon he noticed that Charlie was already hard again. Slowly he kissed down Charlie’s cheekbone and the jaw line. Jake was groaning deep in his throat as he bent down and kissed the hard nibbles on Charlie’s chest.

When he reached the belly button he rested there for a moment. It was Charlie’s secret spot and he couldn’t even breath when Jake licked this little hole. It was so fantastic to feel his tongue right there.

Slowly Jake reached his pubic hair and then finally Charlie’s rock hard cock.

Charlie’s fingers were buried into the mattress and he pressed his head into the pillow. His breath was heavy when he felt Jake lick the tip of his cock. Instinctively he spread his legs. It let Jake smile dangerously.

He licked it once again from root to tip before swallowing it completely.

Charlie thought he would die when he tried to stop himself from screaming out loudly. Jake took his dick deep down his throat. But suddenly he stopped. Just a short moment so he could lick his index finger, but it was too long for Charlie and he protested with a husky groan.

Soon Jake swallowed him again and entered him with his finger. Charlie was still slippery and so he entered him easily this time. Slowly he thrust in and out while still sucking his dick.

Charlie couldn’t hold on any longer. He began to thrust into Jake‘s mouth and moaned louder and louder. „Oh Jake… please… harder… please…“, he stuttered.

Jake felt vibrations around Charlie’s dick and balls when he pushed the second finger into his tiny hole. Charlie went tense and arched his body, spurting into his mouth. Jake swallowed everything. He loved the bittersweet taste and the light musky smell.

Charlie’s heart was beating so fast. Suddenly he felt Jake’s lips on his own. His tongue entered his mouth and he could taste himself. It was not the fist time, but it was always a strange feeling.

Suddenly Jake broke the kiss and this evil smile which Charlie knew so good came back on his face.

Jake turned Charlie around on his stomach and spread his cheeks. He positioned his cock at the opening and rubbed the cock head on the wet hole for a few moments before thrusting deep.
The air left Charlie’s lungs abruptly. The pain was not the same as the first time when Jake had entered him this afternoon. It felt so good to have him so deep inside his ass.
Charlie trusted back in Jake’s direction. He just wanted to feel him deeper.

He was hard again and could feel the pleasure building up inside him.
Jake thrust faster and harder into his lover. The sweat was running down his spine and he groaned with satisfaction. Charlie was so damn tight around his cock.

“Jake… sorry I… come… can’t hold … on … any longer…” Charlie said in between the fast thrusts.

Jake leaned forward and licked Charlie’s spine, letting him screamed into the pillow. His whole body was so extreme sensitive. It was like he felt every touch one hundred times more intensive.

“Its okay, baby… let go I come with you…”, Jake said in a husky voice.

Their moans rose louder and louder. Jake shut his eyes tightly. He couldn’t hold on anymore. Suddenly he felt Charlie tighten around his cock and he buried his own dick one last time in his lovers ass and came with a deep throaty groan. With a sigh he let himself fall down.

Charlie felt Jake’s entire weight give away and slump on him. It was a fantastic feeling to have Jake so close after having sex.

Jake let his head rest on Charlie‘s chest when he suddenly pushed him away softly.

“I‘m sorry, my love but I need to go. We‘ll meet at one o‘clock in front of grandma‘s house. I will wait for you.“

Jake nodded his head and kissed him for goodbye. He was total exhausted from love making.
Charlie stood up and put on his clothes. He turned around and gave Jake a glance full of love. Then he shut the door and walked to his old car.

It is the right decision. He told himself again and again. But there was still this bad feeling inside his stomach he couldn‘t explain to himself.

********

Charlie spend the evening in his room. Ruby had gone to bed early. He had hugged her tightly and had given her a kiss on her cheek.
Charlie smiled again when he remembered her confused expression, but it made him sad in the same time. She thought every thing was fine. It wasn’t… Charlie would leave them and he felt so unbelievable guilty!

Charlie grabbed all clothes he needed the most. When he turned around he found the gaze of his mother. The picture of the three of them stood in front of him. It was as if the face of his mother had changed. Her eyes seemed to say ’Don’t go! You will regret it!’

Charlie couldn’t handle those thoughts right now. He took the picture and put it into his bag.

It is the right decision.

“Farlie, what are you doing?” Charlie heard a sleepy voice and turned around. Jared stood behind him and rubbed his eyes with his tiny hand. In the other he held Bobby, his old teddy. It had been Charlie’s gift for Jared at his first birthday. Since this time he had never slept without him.

“Why are you not in bed, little one?” He picked up his baby brother and kissed him gently on his little cheek. He sighed, and with a gentle smile, his features softened by the love for the small being he now held safely in his arms. Jared wrapped his arms snugly around Charlie‘s neck. “I had a nightmare and then I heard some noises,” he whispered and snuggled his nose against his brothers neck. One moment Charlie didn’t know what to say. He sat Jared on top of the desk which stood next to them.
“Do you want to tell me about the dream?” Charlie asked, stroking Jared’s hair. Jared just shook his head.
It was not the first time, that he had nightmares since their mother died.

Suddenly Jared interrupted his thoughts.
“Why did you pack your clothes? Do you want to find mummy and bring her back home?” he asked and pointed at the bag on the floor. Now it was clear what the dream was about.

Charlie went pale. “Oh Baby!” he sight softly with watery eyes.

“Farlie, please bring her back. Granma said I’m a big boy, because I am so brave and don’t cry. But I don’t want to be a big boy anymore.” he mumbled sleepily, “I want my mummy. I don’t want her to be an angel anymore. I don’t like god. He’s a bad guy!” Jared was now crying and Charlie pressed him tightly against his chest.

For a moment they both just cried and Charlie stroke Jared’s back.

“No. Jay,…” Charlie dried their tears and let go of him. Looking down into the tiny, upturned face pleading with him, a profound sadness settled around his heart.

“… I can’t bring her back. But do you remember when I told you, that I want to be a cop?” he asked and tried to change the topic.
"Uh huh,…" the child replied, nodding his head vigorously in agreement.“…like your daddy!” he gave back.

“Yes. And now I got the possibility to visit an academy. But grandma is against it and I need to go away some days earlier. I promise, that I will come back as fast as I can and visit the two of you. And soon your brother will be a police officer, isn’t that cool?” Again Jared nodded his head.

“When will you come back?” he asked with sad eyes.

“I don’t know. But as soon as I can, okay?” he kissed Jared once again and sat him down.

“I need you here to take care of grandma. She needs you. And soon we will meet again, okay?” silent tears were running down Charlie’s cheeks when he turned around, grapping his bag.
“Go back to bed, baby. I need to go now, Jake is waiting for me outside,” Shannon tried to stop himself from crying louder, but he couldn’t.

His heart ached so much when he looked into these bright blue eyes. And the knowledge, that he wouldn’t see this little boy for so long made it even worse.

Jared didn’t say anything and Charlie wondered if he knew what his big brother was thinking about.
One last time he tried to paint the picture of Jared in his head standing there wearing these too big pyjama and the ear of Bobby in his hand. Some strands were hanging in his face. He seemed so innocent.

“Bye, baby! I love you. Please, never forget it!” Charlie tried to be strong, but he couldn’t hold back his tears.
He wanted to take him in his arms and never let go again. But that was not possible and this fact ached so much.
“I love you too, Farlie.”

With those words Chalie turned around and left everything behind.

****************

Charlie ran to the already waiting car when he jumped in, Jake could see his lovers face and he gave him a worried look. Before he could say a word Charlie hugged him tightly and snuggled his face against his neck.

Jake tried his best to calm him and murmured words of comfort. After some minutes the sobs stopped and Jake started the engine and drove them both into their new life.

****************


tbc