Just A Story

I've got to tell this story because I sometimes get the feeling that some people don't really know what loneliness can do to a person.

You see her almost every day. She's got a bright disposition and a ready smile. This is the kind of woman you can depend on. She'll do just about anything for anyone. She's always ready for a little adventure, and she gives, asking only for a moment's companionship in return. She's not all that talkative unless she's sure you're willing to listen. Even then, she stays away from subjects that will bring you down. She's always thinking of others, rarely of herself. She listens too, with an understanding that would astound you. Despite her smile and her sparkling eyes, sometimes she feels like she's the only person in the world.

There's a feeling she calls fading. When the sun goes down and she's done working a twelve hour shift, she hops on her motorcycle and goes to a place that she reluctantly calls home. It's an apartment that's as empty a vessel as she. It's so empty in fact, that she leaves all the lights on constantly. The emptiness inside of her, coupled with the darkness outside, makes her fade.

She does her few chores quickly and talks to herself just to hear the sound of a human voice. There are no bogeymen to frighten her, indeed, she's not really afraid of anything. Anything that is, except being alone.

She'll putter around her home wishing fervantly for the doorbell to ring. She's sure she told somebody that she wouldn't mind having company tonight. Every half hour or so she'll glance at the time and give her friends an imaginary excuse.

"It's too early." She'll say aloud. "They're probably eating dinner, or maybe they had a few things to do first."

As time passes, she fights desperately against the reality that yes, she's going to be alone tonight. Again.

Finally, somewhen between one and four in the morning, she'll admit to herself that tonight will be spent alone. Again. She cleans up the mess she made while waiting; the paints she dragged out when she got bored with the keyboard, which was brought out when the tv offered no stimulation. She leaves all the lights on and goes to her bedroom. She looks at the king-sized bed and almost cries because there's no one to share the big bed with anymore.

She lights some candles to keep the darkness at bay and props a large mirror up next to the side of the bed. She crawls under the covers and stares at herself in the candle-light, pretending there's somebody to talk to. She was so sure that she told someone she wouldn't mind having company tonight.

She lays awake for a while and the fading threatens her until her eyes close and her dreams come to take her to a place where she won't be lonely anymore.

The alarm goes off too soon, and the dreaming that is her escape dies, leaving the emptiness in it's wake. "Today won't be so bad." She says to herself. "At least I'll see people at work. Today I'm sure that I'll tell someone that I won't mind having company tonight."

So when you see her today, remember that when she tells you that she's only going home after work, and she's not doing anything special, she's lying through her smile. What she's really saying is; "I won't mind having company tonight." Her eyes are begging you to accept her invitation. Remember too, that when she does go home, she's waitng, and waiting, and waiting....

A/N. In answer to Anon, yes, it is autobiographical. I wrote this mostly as therapy, to help myself understand why I was lonely. The situation was this... My husband had just left me and took my kids away. The new people that I was around broke promises to me too often, leaving me waiting. As for the title, well, as I said, it was something that I had to get out of my system, and to me, it was just another chapter in my life, Just a Story...
To Sara, Yes, you can be lonely surrounded by people, I understand that too. Don't be sad for me. I learned to be happy with myself, and accept that being alone wasn't the end of the world.