Farewell

“I’m sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins. There’s nothing we can do for her now. What she set out to do is done. I wish there was more we could’ve done for her.”
“Mr. Jenkins, your daughter wanted you to have this.” Dr. Clemmins handed him my note. He opened it and read its contents. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he went through the letter. He handed the note to my mother, and she barely shed a tear. Too much pride in that woman to be vulnerable. I expected nothing less from her. No matter, I love her just the same, because I know on the inside, she’s crying waterfalls.

My funeral was beautiful. The church was full of people I loved, that loved me. In my life, I had forgotten people did love me. I think that’s what brought on my ultimate demise. Flowers from all my friends and family surrounded my coffin. There were pink carnations, yellow tulips, and my favorite flower, the black rose. I laid in the black coffin, ready to be laid to rest for all eternity. I was dressed in black pants with my gothic black shirt with a lace up corset-like front and sheer fabric for sleeves. My hair was done in cute little curls and dark makeup, the way I’d want to look. My hands crossed over my heart with a rosary in hand. People placed things in my casket that held sentimental value to them, reminding them of me. Kara put in a letter she wrote to me when she found out I had died. My sister put in a picture of her and I at a tennis meet. Julia put the sweater I left at her house in with me. Then Dad placed a tennis ball in my hand. I had hoped Marshall would’ve found out about my death and came to pay his last respects, but unfortunately, he was hit by a car and passed away himself.
I know what I did made those around me suffer, but they will only suffer for a few days, maybe weeks. I wish they could understand, I would’ve suffered for the rest of my life. What they feel now is only a fraction of what I felt everyday, and I would have had to feel that everyday for however long I had to live.
People stood up and said some wonderful things about me and how much they cared about me. Such as, “She was such a great athlete,” “She was such a joy to be around,” or my favorite, “She was a friend who would give you the world and never expect anything in return.” Those who didn’t say anything, I could feel what they wanted to say. I know what it’s like to have someone you love plucked away from your life. I could feel their pain. I wish I would have known how much my life had meant to these people. Maybe I could have toughed it out, but I don’t think so. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. I don’t want any of them to think it’s their fault. I know some people see what I did as selfish, it probably is. But in being selfish, I finally found serenity. I found a real life beyond reality, beyond a place where torment is all but uncommon. I wish I could take their pain away, but I can’t.
Now, it’s my dad’s turn to speak. He stepped up to the microphone in front of the whole congregation and pulled my note out of his pocket.
“I’d like to say that we should all forgive her for what she’s done, but in her eyes, she doesn’t need our forgiveness. She needed our love and compassion. It should be her to forgive us. Ren would probably want me to read this to you, her friends and family. So maybe, just maybe, you could understand her reasons for doing what she did.

‘Dearest Family & Friends:

I can’t begin to describe how much I miss home. There are small things lingering all around me reminding me of my once semi-normal life. When it rains, I’m reminded of the days every kid in my neighborhood would get on their bikes and ride through every puddle in the street. When there’s a certain song on the radio, I remember jamming out to different tunes while driving around with my friends. I can’t help but shed a tear for each memory that floats through my mind from time to time. There will always be things I regret never saying to those many people who have gone on with their lives and passed me by. I want everyone to know, even if your departure from my life made me miserable for a little while, your presence made it worth all the misery. I have missed you in the time you’ve been away. I miss my old friends, my once happy family, my old life in general. I even miss the misery I experienced, because it can’t even compare to the pain and anguish I feel here. I know nobody’s perfect, but I didn’t know my imperfections would make people cast me aside as if I don’t matter anymore. I don’t know why this had to happen to me. I’ve always known there was something different about the way my mind worked against me, I just never could have foreseen such a tragic ending. What was left of my pride and dignity has vanished, and the person I once was is dead. I miss just being Ren, the girl who excelled in tennis and had a good life. The girl who had good friends, people who cared for her. Sometimes I wish I could resurrect her in this life, but what good would it do me now? Those I loved have gone on to better things and have forgotten me. The people in my life today are others like the new me. Crazy. I can hear their screams in the night and I ponder what good it will do them. They scream for the attention, while my mind is screaming for attention of its own. It’s trying to find what’s left of its use. My body has become a limp, lifeless being. I have no reason to be an active teenager anymore. The reasons I had to live have withered away. Sometimes, while I dream, I look down upon myself and see what is and try to find what once was. Even if that person could just miraculously reappear, the outside would be too dramatically changed for her to reenter it. I may not have been in here for that long, but my mind has been held hostage to my insanity for far too long to go back. I guess it makes sense; my life gradually progressed to this very moment. I was slowly slipping into this dark place in life; a deep, black hole I can’t climb out of. Nobody stands at the top to pull me out. I am on my own in this dark hole. Perhaps I’ll find a new home, my true home to be with those who’ve gone before me. I don’t want you to think you haven’t made my life wonderful, I will cherish every moment I’ve spent with each and every one of you. Those who have forgotten our time together, I still love you and remember your loving souls. I want you to know, I will look down upon all of you and smile. You made the life I wanted to live a miracle. I want to say I can tolerate my life as a crazy person. But that’s not who I was raised to be. Nobody teaches you how live with being insane. I wanted to be out on my own in this world, and that was taken away from me. My whole life was torn out of my own hands. This is the only thing I can do right-mindedly and say I have no regrets. I do know it will cause you pain, and for that I apologize. I will not, however, apologize for doing what I think is right for me. I thought I could make it as this person, but I’m not supposed to be this person. Somehow, I’ve survived thus far as her, but who knows what tomorrow brings?’”