Stardust

By this point you probably open the story, thinking, 'let's see what this month's excuse is'. >.> I can't blame you. Here it is:

Less than a week after my last update, my relationship of ten years ended. Not entirely out of the blue, but still kind of abruptly. It may not be forever, or maybe it is, it's hard to say right now; in any case I'm sure you understand that writing wasn't my main focus for a couple of weeks.

Then, today, my netbook failed -some system32 file missing all of a sudden-, trapping what little I had written in the last month. Weirdly, that made me sit down and at least polish what I do have -and by polish I mean add several hundred words-, so the deal is this: I'm posting what I have. There is one scene missing, that shouldn't hurt the chapter, because it was the one at the end. I will write that scene and tack it on, hopefully before too long, and when I upload the next chapter I will make an author's note reminding people to go back and read the missing scene, too.



Sorry for all the chaos. I feel like this chapter is half amusing, half blue; maybe no surprise there. As always, thanks everyone for your reviews, they make me smile and I like to go back and read them again after a while and then they make me smile all over again. This whole writing thing is just amazing.

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"You masturbated."

 

"...Jesus, Paulie." Finn rested his head against the door frame, startled by the quiet boy in the hallway. "You have pretty good ears, huh."

"Yes."

"...Right." They stared at each other for a moment. "Well, were you going somewhere with that? Because I, um, I already knew."

"Do you mind if I ask why?" Paulie said, unfazed by Finn's sarcasm. "Isn't that why I'm here?"

At first Finn wanted to protest, to say that that wasn't the AI's only purpose- but it was, wasn't it. He'd asked for languages, for secretarial skills, and he had yet to use any of that. It just hadn't really come up- but still, the truth was that Paulie mostly served as... as some sort of substitute... boyfriend.

Finn cringed.

And then he wondered if there was a hint of jealousy in Paulie's question. Was this him demanding an explanation? Feeling replaced? Feeling left out? The guy's blank face was hard to read, and Finn was reminded just how alien this creature really was. Did the AI care that Finn could make do without him?

Or maybe it was the exact opposite, and he was bitter about being a sex doll. Then again that was a human thing, wanting to be appreciated for more than just sex- phrasing it like that, even: more than just sex. As if sex was inherently inferior to, say, talking. A robot had no reason to think of it that way, right? Would a sex robot take pride in being a good sex robot, or would it feel morally inferior to the housekeeping robot?

They don't have pride, he reminded himself. Your question is moot.

"I have sex with you," Finn said at last, because the boy was still waiting. "Masturbation isn't really... sex. I mean I guess it can be, but sometimes it's just, I don't know, something you take care of real quick."

"...But both is about reaching a climax."

"Sex is about a bit more than j- ...look, can we talk about this over breakfast? I kind of need to get going."

 

***

 

"Uh. So." He'd had some time to think about it, and in all honesty the longer Finn thought, the more blurry it got. "For the most part, it- see, masturbation is basically about getting off. You're kind of horny, it's distracting, you take care of it. Whereas sex is more like... you have another person there, and it's just as much about enjoying each other, having fun together, that kind of thing."

...And then there was sex that was basically just about getting off, for one or both or all people involved; or on the other hand the kind of masturbation where you took your time and experimented and explored, but how was he ever going to explain the finer points of all that? It was bound to just confuse the hell out of Paulie. Not to mention that the self-love type wasn't Finn's thing and was never going to be relevant. So he left that out.

"That- clearly I don't understand it fully- but I don't see how masturbation would ever be preferable to sex, then."

"Well, sometimes- sometimes people jerk off because there's no real alternative. In that case you're right, they would prefer actual sex. But if you just-" Finn stopped to think. "...Do you wake up hard sometimes?"

"With an erection? Yes." Paulie shrugged. "It goes away."

"Yeah, you get up and go about your business, and it goes away. But sometimes it keeps bugging you, and then you... you lock yourself in the bathroom for five minutes, and rub one out. It's not about sex, really."

"But the climax is the same?"

"Well. Less intense. Not the same kind of build-up, you know? But yeah." Finn decided against a second cup of coffee, knowing full well he was going to regret that once he was stuck in traffic. "What, none of your programs deal with masturbation? Honestly?"

"No. These programs were written for the user's entertainment, not mine."

"...But I know I've seen you do it before."

"Yes, in a scene. A scene always assumes you are involved somehow, though; you would have started it. When I'm alone, where is that suggestion supposed to come from?"

"Well," Finn said, standing, "consider this a suggestion. You should try it some time."

 

The way Paulie was staring down at his own crotch, musing, had Finn grinning all the way to work.

 

 

***

 

"End the scene, Paulie."

Paulie turned the little recording device between his fingers. He didn't really need it, considering he knew how to decide to exit a program, now- but he usually carried it around anyway, for several reasons. First off, and this was the only reason that really seemed familiar and right, he carried it with him because he'd been told to. Because yes, he could choose to ignore the impulse to do what Finn had said, but it was still there.

Secondly, because glitches didn't have a tendency to sort themselves out. So it wasn't really a problem right now- who was to say it would stay like that, though? Too many things had changed without warning already.

He didn't like to think about that though. Which was odd, because why have a preference regarding your own thoughts? But this one was heavy in his stomach -nonsense again; thoughts happened in your head- and made him uneasy.

"End the scene, Paulie."

...Thirdly, he liked pushing the button sometimes and hearing Finn's voice. Even if that was all it said.

The command didn't do anything; he didn't have a scene open. He always just closed them, now. Paulie couldn't pinpoint the exact time it had happened, but at some point he'd understood how to write his own instructions- and how to give them priority over external or pre-programmed ones, too.

He vaguely felt it wasn't good that Finn had witnessed the moment he'd realized it. But then of course it wasn't good that this was happening at all.

If he could tell himself to turn them off, though- could he do the opposite? Put himself in a program?

 

<virgin.informed>

Finn had talked about having sex, that morning. What he'd said, about enjoying each other, that certainly sounded nice- and of course sex could be good, else people wouldn't want it all the time, but the idea still made him a little nervous. Because it was fairly obvious that sex was something that got better over time, and for most people it started out not being that great. First times hurt. And everyone said something else about it, some said it hurt a lot, some said it barely hurt at all; the bottom line was that you had to find out for yourself and yeah he was up for that, absolutely. He just hoped it wouldn't hurt too much. Finn knew what he was doing, though, right-?

Paulie observed the nervous chatter for a while.

He didn't like being nervous.

</virgin.informed>

 

So that worked. But that had been one of the ones that were still running, so really all he had done was bring something to the foreground that was playing anyway. Could he start one?

It would be open afterwards, Paulie considered. There was a good chance he would glitch to it again at some point. But that wouldn't strike Finn as odd, would it? Other scenes had opened on their own already.

He read.

There was a number of roleplays that had either him or the user acting like they were someone else -a technician of some sort, or a delivery guy, or the mailman; Paulie didn't understand the point of it, but it had something to do with being strangers- and another category that dealt with being something else, like the opposite sex, or an animal. That last one in particular had him stumped. Didn't humans imprint on humans? Why would they want to have sex with a dog? Why would they want to have sex with a humanoid while pretending it was a dog? He was never going to get the hang of their mentality.

<plumber>

He was the homeowner, he noticed, probably because of the suffer default. Whatever the reason, he lived here and he had a smoking hot plumber running around somewhere -even if he couldn't say where exactly, right now- and he just really hoped the guy like to lay some pipe.

</plumber>

 

<pizza>

He hoped it would be the same delivery guy as last time. That man had him swooning. Hopefully they'd gotten the hint when he'd said he like sausa-

</pizza>

 

<poolboy>

He was having the most slippery thou-

</poolboy>

...Oh, honestly.

The next group of roleplays, he noted before long, all had to do with punishment. Teen Trouble was listed here, too; like that one, all of these revolved around one party breaking the rules and having to pay for it. There was one that involved a teacher and a student, for example, or the one with the little thief. And while the details of human sexuality were still fairly well a mystery to Paulie, he recognized that this category held a certain appeal to Finn. It was obvious from the man's reactions, from the way he talked and smiled and looked when some of the key words came up, but he never used these scenes. Sometimes he joked about it, and then didn't do it, even though he seemed to want to.

Paulie wondered if maybe he should "glitch" into one of these some time, for Finn's sake.

One was about members of the clergy, he found. The tone was strict, but it wasn't very violent -Finn had deleted everything above a certain violence rating; everything that could still be deleted, anyway-, more about humiliation than pain. Something Finn might like, maybe.

 

<penance>

He wasn't humble enough, he was certain of it. He wasn't humble enough, not pious enough, not pure enough to be a monk; mere weeks into his novitiate he was already failing pitifully. And the hardest part of it was celibacy.

He craved someone's touch on him, someone's mouth; heated, desperate whispers; someone's tight grip, bringing him off. That was torture. But at least it wasn't so hard not to act on that, surrounded by people who all had sworn celibacy -and were all at peace with it, it seemed-; no, none of them provided temptation, it was easy enough to resist. But he was hard, miserably hard, unbearably so. Who could just ignore that? How did they do it? They were all better men than him. If not touching others was torture, not touching himself was downright impossible.

Hesitantly, he unbuttoned his jeans and reached in.

The touch caused a little sound in the back of his throat, along with a subtle shudder. He couldn't be doing this, he would be caught; oh, and that was the wrong reason for not doing it, too. Shame. Shame. And then he pushed his pants down further and let himself fall free.

Paulie looked down at his erection, curious that he felt so guilty about touching it. He was familiar with the idea of sex as punishment, but sex as the transgression? That was new.

A new surge of shame welled up when he touched it again, curled his fingers around it, squeezed. How odd, to feel wretched over something pleasant. In any case the program told him to feel bad, but at the same time it told him to keep going, so he steadied himself with one hand against the dresser and started pumping slowly.

He could override it, he knew that without trying. But he wanted to know the scene, to make sense of what happened in it and whether it would appeal to Finn, and why, and why the man wouldn't act on that... so he went along. Made sounds that weren't entirely warranted by the sensations, just because the program said to draw attention; bucked into his hand in a way that made his pants come loose and fall to the floor, in order to be as blatant as possible. So he stood in plain view of the door, jeans around his ankles, moaning, for someone to find and judge and punish him.

With humiliation, maybe. Making him finish what he'd started, making him confess his weakness, displaying it under the user's scornful eyes.

Or blackmail; keeping his transgressions a secret in exchange for sexual favors.

Or straight-up physical punishment. No matter what that entailed, exactly, Paulie was well aware that eventually it was going to lead to the same thing: the chance to atone for his sins by way of getting fucked. A cock up his ass was just the thing to cure him from thinking about sex, apparently.

Paulie grinned even as he gasped. He liked sarcasm. Bungled Break-In had been a useful scene to learn from.

Yes, it was Very Likely that Finn would find this kind of scene enjoyable. So why didn't he use them? Was it some sort of guilt issue? As Paulie was learning right now, sex could be linked to guilt. But how? Why would Finn feel guilty about this in particular? That didn't make sense. Maybe it was something else.

Every time Paulie tightened his hand, or thrust faster, the program tried to slow him down. The reason was obvious; since he was supposed to be caught in the middle of it, he was going to be in the middle of it for however long it took to be 'discovered'- but Finn wasn't home yet, nobody was about to spot him, and this wasn't going anywhere.

</penance>

 

...And then he stood for a moment, without the guilt and without the need; looked down at his cock and his hand wrapped around it, and thought about his conversation with Finn earlier that day.

'Consider this a suggestion.'

It felt similar, he noted; similar to when Finn touched him- not quite the same, something was missing, although he couldn't say what. But it was physically 'pleasant', and his body was straining towards a climax. He knew that feeling by now, and knew how to tell it apart from what the programs told him to say and want. And sometimes; that was odd; sometimes it was gratifying to be denied what he wanted -to deny himself, even-; it was torture, but a pleasant kind of torture, an oxymoron that he didn't understand and nonetheless recognized as true.

He 'liked' sexual stimulation. Liked it better from Finn, yes, but it was still pleasant without the guy. It had never occurred to him to do this, there wasn't really any reason to... but... technically, there was no reason not to, right?

His body wanted it, and Finn had suggested it, so Paulie did.

 

He felt a little different afterwards, physically relaxed; not drastically but still noticeably so. Maybe that was why humans did it. It was nice enough, admittedly, although it didn't compare to having sex... or at least, he thought, to having sex with Finn. Maybe it was different with different people.

The other night -nine days ago- Finn had forgotten to start a scene, somehow; it had been late and he had been tired and humans had a tendency to forget things, for some reason. He had been startled afterwards, and apologized, and Paulie hadn't said how much he'd 'liked' it, being alone with Finn like that. How quiet it had been in his head; no other character trying to make him act a certain way; no background story he needed to stick to. Nothing to distract him from Finn and his touch.

He'd had the impulse to say that, that there was no reason to be sorry, that it told him he was separate from the programs and maybe, just sometimes, sufficient without them and that was a thought but also a bright, humming feeling that just wouldn't stop and also he'd given up trying to insist that emotions didn't have color or sound or anything like that-

but he wasn't supposed to feel that way, or feel anything, really. In fact, he wasn't even close to how he was meant to be; was so far from it that CyberBio had offered to wipe his mind; and Finn had turned that down, yes, but surely there was a line, some final straw that would make Finn agree that Paulie was broken and needed to be reset.

So he'd just smiled and said that apparently he had learned enough about sex by now that it wasn't a problem anymore, and had never told Finn how much he 'wanted' to do that again.

 

 

He'd just cleaned himself up and made his way downstairs, to get dinner started, when he heard a car door slamming. Paulie knew the sound- everyone's car sounded different; this was Finn's.

There was that strange, familiar sting in the pit of Paulie's stomach, the one he felt almost every time Finn came home, but it was different today: there was a little guilt mixed in and a little fear. Those were a lot of scenes he'd opened. But that would never really be noticeable, would it? Even if they came back up again, he could just quietly close them, whether Finn was there or not. And in the meantime, through sheer statistics, it increased his chances of not waking up in a rape scene.

'Paulie, what else haven't you told me?'

Finn would want him to mention what had happened. Finn would want to know that Paulie could enter and exit programs on his own.

Finn would want to know that Paulie could make his own decisions.

Finn had a right.

 

"Hey, Pauls. How's it going? Any glitches today?"

"No."

And that wasn't even a lie.

 

***

"...Okay, what else?"



"Fruit."



"What kind?"



"I don't know," Paulie said with infinite patience. "You just said 'fruit'."



"Well, what would you like?"



Finn watched, half affectionate and half amused, as the guy glanced around the fruit section of the supermarket with a slightly haunted look on his face.



"I ...like.... bananas," he offered after a while.



"Okay-" Finn reached for them, ignoring the fact that 'I like' and 'I want' weren't the same thing. No need to push the boy all the time, was there?



"But last time I said peaches." That was a question.



"Yeah, and? You can be in the mood for different things each t-"  ...and then the worst thing happened.







"Finn! Hey, Finn-!"



"Heh, hi, Zach," Finn waved back, watching his friend weave closer between the piles of fruit. "Hey, man, what are you doing up here?"



"Wife wanted to check out the new mall. Just grabbing a few things on the way out."



"Right." Finn bit his lip.



"So how's it going?" Zach was very subtly eyeing Paulie. "I sent you an email a little while back, about watching the game-?"



"Ah, yeah. Sorry. Things were kind of hectic then-" -someone wanted to delete my robot- "it just, you know how it goes, it slipped my mind. Sorry."



"It's all good. They're better now?"



"Yeah, uh, ...yeah. Under control."



"Oh, good. Maybe you can make it this weekend, then? We're having a barbeque Saturday." Zach was glancing at Paulie again, clearly trying to determine whether to invite him, too.



"Um, actually-" Finn tried his hardest to look remorseful. "I won't be in town."



"Oh."



"Listen, um- why don't I just swing by after work some time?" And they would be dying to hear about Paulie, Finn knew, but at least that way he wouldn't have to bring the guy.



"I work nights all week, this week," Zach pondered; "-but the week after?"



"Sounds good. I'll bring pizza?"



"You want to score brownie points with Annie, bring Chinese. She's been on this kick lately."



"Will do. Shoot me a line, though. I'll forget."



"I know," Zach said. "I know."











"He makes you uncomfortable," Paulie observed once the guy was out of earshot.



"Nnnn. It's not him."



The boy looked up at him, blue eyes wide and questioning, and Finn felt a sudden pang of remorse. He had thought he was getting a toy, back in the day. Something he could play with and put in the drawer afterwards, even if the game was for grown-ups and the drawer a whole room.



He sighed.



"They'll ask about you. They'll invite you over. What do I tell them? Hi, Ann, meet my sex robot-?"



"That's not socially acceptable," Paulie noted.



"-So, what, do I pretend you're-" -real- "-do I make something up? Fabricate some back story and promptly forget what I said? You don't even have a last name!"



"So I make you uncomfortable, then."



"No, I- I-" but it was true. In a way. In a roundabout way. "My motives, you know? I'm uncomfortable telling them why you live with me." He pulled Paulie in, wrapping his arms around the guy's shoulders. "That's not a nice thing to hear, is it? I'm sorry."

Paulie shrugged.