Carnival without Lights

It had been a month. Rupert still hadn’t received a call from Jesse, he was still throwing up most of what he ate, and he was still getting a record amount of work done in what used to be free time. In fact, he was running out of work and that made him even sicker.

Every time he’d tried to call Jesse’s phone, he would get forwarded to voicemail. Just hearing Jesse’s voice had cleared away some of his pain—it brought more nausea and discontent, but it was worth it for the momentary burst of happiness. Until, that is, the day he was informed by a robot that the number had been disconnected. Jesse’s old e-mail addresses disappeared as well. His apartment was empty.

Rupert had tried to get in contact with him, but the man had disappeared.

He’d gone back to Daniel, Rupert knew. Daniel wouldn’t let Jesse out of his sight again.

Rupert shuddered at the thought. In that video, Jesse had pleaded for Daniel to stop. Cried, screamed, begged, tried to move to get away—and to what avail? None. He’d been threatened and beaten worse…and Jesse still went back to him? Back to that?

Rupert vomited again. What if it had happened again? What if Daniel had done /that/ again? What if Jesse was, at that very moment in time, lying on the floor crying, bleeding, begging for relief.

He curled up on the floor beside the toilet and stared at the green wall of his bathroom vacantly. What if Jesse hadn’t cheated—what if he’d been raped that night? Rupert gagged again, but suppressed it. No…he wasn’t raped. He couldn’t have been. He didn’t act like he had been or show any signs that he had been. But…

No. Rupert dry heaved several times before collapsing onto the floor again and shuddering.

He felt so pathetic, but the emotion was familiar. The self-loathing, the regret, the nausea—he’d felt it all before when he’d been left by Lesley. He felt repulsive, unattractive, unloved, and unwanted. He’d made all of his money off of an educated-guess in the stock market. He had no solid friends except for Sam—whose wife was best friends Jesse, so who knew where that put them now—and no family since he’d discovered that he’d rather have his dick touched by a man than a woman. He wanted someone…Lesley…Sam…Jesse…anyone. He had no one.

He had nothing.
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Jesse had expected Rupert to call within two days after the man had stormed out of the apartment, and he had been right. He would’ve called the man back if he hadn’t been at Daniel’s when he’d noticed.

“Make up your mind, Jess,” Daniel said. “I can share you for a little while, but in the end I’m gonna wanna keep you. So, do you want him, or do you want me?” Jesse had only groaned quietly in response.

He didn’t know what he wanted. He wanted the trust he had with Rupert—the knowledge that he would never be hurt, even if he begged to be—but he wanted the knowledge that Daniel had of his body, he wanted to reconnect with the memories he’d had before without pain.

Jesse had gone back to his apartment that day, and then went to work. His boss had appeared behind him as he emptied the trash and tapped him on the shoulder.

“The week after next,” he’d said, looking forlorn. “You won’t need to come in. Just leave your uniform.”

“You’re firing me?” Jesse asked, neglecting the trash and looking at his boss in disbelief.

“Something like that, just—”

“No, no,” Jesse retorted. “Is this about something that Rupert said? Because I’m not seeing him anymore! I—”

“Jesse. We’re going out. We’re not making much money now that that commercial coffee shop moved in up the street.”

“You’re closing the shop,” Jesse said softly. All he received was a nod and a pat on the shoulder before his boss walked off, leaving him to his final chore.

When he got home, feeling dazed, he saw he’d gotten another desperate-sounding message from his lover, possible ex-lover. He didn’t call back.

He’d lost his job and ignored more calls over the following two weeks. He failed to secure another. He canceled his phone, he shut off the lights, he starved. He extinguished his savings on rent while spending every waking moment searching the city for Help Wanted signs and asking in places which lacked them. He looked in papers, he checked online, he asked the friends he had…nothing.

Daniel proposed a solution.

Jesse accepted.

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Rupert could have cried from the sheer joy if he hadn’t already been drained of tears. He’d pulled a few strings, got Daniel Soto’s number, called, and there he was. Jesse. It was only his voice, but for Rupert that was enough for the moment.

“Jesse,” he spoke in disbelief.

“God, Rupert, you can’t call me here!” Jesse had sounded worried, and Rupert understood why. /He/ was now the other woman, not Daniel.

“Jesse, it’s so good to hear you.”

“Shut up!” Jesse hissed, sounding paranoid. “What do you want? I can’t talk; he’ll be home any minute!”

“Jesse.” God, he missed saying his name. “How are you?”

“Rupert!” Jesse growled. Rupert heard him sigh the way he always used to when he got fed up with something and felt elated. Just hearing him…it meant so much. “Fine,” Jesse answered with a shaking voice. “I’m fine. Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Rupert answered elatedly. “I’m so happy to hear from you. I’ve missed you so much. I—”

“Stop!” Jesse hissed. “You can’t talk to me like that. I’m with…I’m with /him/ now.” Rupert felt the pain start in his throat and travel quickly to his heart.

“Has he hurt you?” He asked. Jesse didn’t answer, but Rupert could hear him breathing. “Jesse! Did he hurt you?” Why did he love this man so much? Jesse had hurt him without cause and yet he still ached when he thought of Jesse being unhappy.

“No,” Jesse whispered. It was an obvious lie and Rupert closed his eyes tightly.

“I know you lost your job, and I know you wouldn’t ever ask me to take you in, but you don’t have to stay with him.” He heard Jesse’s attempts to cut him off, but spoke over them. “I still love you, please. I’ll give you another chance.”

“I don’t /want/ another chance!” Jesse shouted. “We’re over, Rupert! Don’t forgive me. I’m no good for you.”

“Jesse, that’s not true,” Rupert protested, his voice cracking. He bit his lower lip and his mind raced as he thought of anything he could say to convince Jesse to return. “I know you’re scared of him, but I can protect you. I know I’m not the strongest man, but—”

“Stop it!” Jesse whispered harshly. “Listen, I /know/ you love me, okay? I get it, I understand. But that’s over now. I don’t want you back.”

“Jesse,” Rupert whimpered, at a loss for things to say.
“I love you, but I can’t do this, alright?” Jesse stated. He sounded frightened. He took in a shaking breath. “Daniel is taking care of me. He loves me.”

“He hurts you,” Rupert snapped. “He hurts you!”

“Rupert,” Jesse began, sounding firm. His original phrase was cut short. “Oh shit,” whispered.

“Jesse?” Rupert asked, feeling worry grip him. The same worry that Jesse hated so much.

“Jesse?” Someone said in the background. Rupert heard the phone being dropped and Jesse swore again. “The hell are you doing on the phone?”

“I thought it was you!” Jesse pleaded. Rupert felt nauseous again, but he was too petrified to hang up. The voice in the background was incomprehensible. “Oh, Daniel, please! Please. Please!”

“This phone isn’t here for you! It’s only here incase my phone goes missing and I need to make a call! You let the machine get it before you pick it up. You know that!” Rupert heard sobbing and felt wretched. “Oh don’t start with that.” Rupert closed his eyes and prayed. Let the demon know mercy. Let him forgive Jesse just this one time. Make him stop crying…
But why would God show mercy to a sinner? A fag?
“Come on,” Daniel said. “Don’t cry.” His voice sounded tender. “Shh, come on. I’m not mad.” Rupert could still hear Jesse crying. It wasn’t easy to make Jesse cry. Not that easy, at least. Jesse had to be terrified. “Jess, come on…don’t worry, I’ll pay you back for it later.” Rupert growled deeply. Pay him back? What did that mean? Beat him? Probably. Fuck him before, during, and after, of /course/! “Who were you talking to?”

“No one,” Jesse whispered.

“Liar,” Daniel said bluntly. “Answer or it’ll be worse for you.” His tone sounded so playful that it gave Rupert chills. He knew he shouldn’t have called. He regretted it and prayed once more that the demon would know mercy. “Jesse! Who were you talking to? It shouldn’t be that difficult to answer!” Jesse said nothing. “Fuck it! Fine! I’ll get it out of you, whether or not you’re able to walk when I do is in your hands.”

“No!” Jesse cried out, understanding better than Rupert what that entailed.

“Yes!”

“Okay! I’ll tell, just don’t…” Rupert wanted to die for what he’d done. Why had he called? Why had he persisted when Jesse warned him that Daniel would be home soon? It was his fault that Jesse was crying. Entirely his fault.

“Oh, no. You’re not getting off that easily. Even if you tell me now you’re still gonna remember next week what happens when you try to lie to me.” Rupert heard something fall, most likely Jesse, and then the phone was slammed onto the receiver and all was quiet for a long moment before the dial tone played. Rupert still held the phone to his ear, frozen that way, until a robot told him to hang up.

Somewhere, he knew, Jesse was being beaten. Somewhere, he knew there was nothing he could do to stop it.

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Jesse woke up. It had been four months since he and Rupert had been apart. Daniel had made most of Jesse’s personal possessions disappear, but Jesse still had his clothes and Rupert’s abandoned tie.

He gasped in pain as he tried to pick himself up from the floor, cried out and disturbed no one as he got to his feet.

Daniel was gone—at work. Providing.

Jesse reminded himself that the wounds weren’t bad. He was okay. He’d suffered worse, like when Rupert had called—oh, why had he lied? Why had he stayed on the line?—and staggered into the bathroom. He didn’t look at his face until after he’d showered, taking the time to watch the blood and grime trace the drain before being swallowed by it and to clean his matted hair twice.

He dried off and dressed and then wiped the steam off of the mirror. A black eye—perfect.

Jesse had decided that today was the day he’d go out. Daniel must’ve known. He’d left his mark for all to see this time. It was unusual that he would go for the face, but Jesse knew he’d deserved it. What he was planning was bad—what he was doing was wrong.

He checked the clock on the way out and smiled to himself. Yes. He would be on time, even if he moved very slowly—which he would since he had no money for cab or for bus. He walked quickly though, or as quickly as he could manage with an orifice that was probably /still/ bleeding and knees still sore from supporting his weight for hours.

He needed a doctor, he needed a meal that consisted of something /he/ liked…he needed to return Rupert’s tie.

Jesse had walked for two hours, and then froze. What the hell was he doing? Daniel knew people. What if he was seen? A whipping for answering the phone left him half as dilapidated as the beating that had spurred him to leave Daniel the first time. What would leaving the house entail? He began to tremble and held the tie in his fist tighter. What if Daniel called the house on his lunch break and Jesse still didn’t pick up even though Daniel’s voice on the machine asked him to?

Jesse looked back in the direction of home as if reconsidering now would get him home in time if such an event happened.

He could go to Daniel’s work, he decided. That was only a half hour’s walk away. He could get on his knees and apologize for leaving. The beating would be less then, right?

But it was too late. Jesse felt like he could cry. He held the tie to his chest and remembered his foolishness. He’d left Rupert for this?

But he knew Rupert deserved better and that Rupert couldn’t provide what he needed. He needed rough play, he needed domination…Rupert…Rupert was a sub that pretended to be the rightful top. Daniel was at least a man.

Thinking of Rupert’s name and of the punishment he would receive when he returned home brought tears to his eyes. But he’d come so far…

He kept walking and, just as the clocks struck one-thirty, he’d arrived outside of Rupert’s office building. He stood before it and stared at the door where men in suits and women in skirts burst out for their lunch breaks. It wasn’t long before a much thinner version of Rupert Williams pushed out the doors and descended the building’s front steps with slightly drooping shoulders. Rupert had almost reached the bottom when he’d lifted his head and snagged his eyes on Jesse. He froze instantly, his face looking more afraid than happy. A man bumped him from behind, but Rupert only glanced at him for a second before turning his eyes back to Jesse as if he were afraid his old love would disappear like a mirage.

Jesse could have died when he felt Rupert’s arms encircle him. They’d never hugged in public before, except at Sam’s house where no one cared.

“Jesse, it’s so good to see you,” Rupert exclaimed into Jesse’s shoulder where his mouth was buried. Jesse was too frozen to hug back, but he knew that he wanted to and wished he had the ability. “Jesse?” Rupert released him and backed off a step. “You okay?” He touched Jesse’s eye where the bruise had formed and the other jerked away from the touch.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jesse said, keeping his eyes dry and his voice steady. “I ran into a doorframe.”

“Of course,” Rupert replied. “And I bet Daniel helped, didn’t he?” Jesse looked away and then held up the tie.

“You forgot this when you left. I brought it back to you.” Rupert looked at it and took it gently.

“I can see that,” he answered, remembering their fight and hating himself for leaving Jesse alone to defend for himself. “Thanks.”

“I’m sorry,” Jesse said suddenly, taking both of them by surprise. “I didn’t—”

“Jesse!” Jesse gasped and Rupert looked over his rigid shoulder at the familiar-sounding man who trudged towards them. He looked back at his former lover and noticed that Jesse was beginning to sink to the ground. Daniel grabbed him by the arm before he could fully collapse. “What are you doing out here? Oh, what did you do to your eye?” Rupert suppressed the urge to gag. Faking kindness, lying. “I thought you said you were staying at home today.”

“Looking for work,” Jesse stammered with wide eyes. He moved to stand behind Daniel the instant Daniel’s eyes met Rupert’s.

“Nice tie,” Daniel commented snidely, eyeing the one in Rupert’s hand. “Looks like something you’d own, but then again I remember seeing Jesse with it.” Jesse looked at Rupert pitifully and then turned his eyes to the ground. “So, I guess you’re Rupert.” Rupert said nothing, but stared at Jesse. Daniel glanced back at Jesse and, whatever expression Jesse was given, left him looking like a kicked dog. “Don’t say much, do you?” Daniel asked with an odd grin as he turned his attention from Jesse back to Rupert. “Well, it was nice of my boyfriend to bring you back your tie, but he really needs to get back home. He hasn’t been feeling well lately, you see.” Daniel grinned the entire time he spoke and threw his arm around Jesse’s shoulders, pulling the man closer and reminding him of his place.

“I’m sure it has nothing to do with getting beaten up every day,” Rupert growled. Jesse made a noise of pain as Daniel pulled him even closer.

“Did he say that to you?” Daniel passed a theatrical look of betrayal to Jesse who turned his head away to avoid seeing. “That’s so…mean.” Rupert could hear Jesse begin to mumble an apology, but Daniel shushed him. His hushing command was followed by a series of giddy sounding whispers in Jesse’s ear that left him shuddering.

Rupert felt his guts writhe with hate.

“Let me guess,” Rupert spat. “He’s going to remember next week what happens if he leaves the house again? Or is it going to be next month?” He kept his voice low so the people shuffling past wouldn’t hear so well. Daniel smirked in response and released Jesse, pushing him away slightly. Rupert wasn’t surprised by Jesse’s reaction to the shove. Jesse just went back to standing with half of his body concealed by Daniel’s as if Rupert was the threat.

“So it was you who’d called then,” Daniel said friendlily. “Well, Jesse is like a Doberman Pinscher, right? You have to keep a firm hand with him, otherwise he thinks he’s in charge and makes a mess out of everything. If he can’t have what he wants, he’ll make your life hell until he gets it. Isn’t that right?” Rupert glared at him darkly and then caught Jesse moving to hide behind Daniel further. It was so unlike Jesse to act that way—to hide behind someone else, someone who hurt him. “He wasn’t getting every last thing he wanted with you, so he cheated, right?” Rupert didn’t answer, he was too preoccupied with Jesse who was peeking out slightly from behind Daniel’s left shoulder. “He probably wouldn’t have done that if he’d known there would be serious consequences.” Rupert locked eyes with him and growled.

“I would never hurt him,” he spat. “That’s why he stayed with me so long! He trusted me.”

“Well, Jesse likes to be hurt. He likes it a lot. That’s why he came /back/ to me. I don’t know where you’re trying to take this, but Jesse and I are going to go back home. So enjoy your tie and keep your eyes off my lover, /capisce/?” Rupert’s eyes narrowed as he watched Daniel turn around and wind his arm around Jesse’s shoulders protectively again.

Rupert felt that he could kill him.