Silent Suffering

I look up when I hear Zach’s key sliding in the door. He walks in and drops in his seat. “My classes are trying to kill me this semester. I already have a five page paper due next week. What the hell. Who does that?”

Your teacher apparently. I sign with a smile.

“True enough. Hey what are you working on?”

I too have a project. It’s due in a week. I can’t figure out what to do though.

“What is the project?”

We have to find a song and make art based on it but it has to reflect our soul. We’re supposed to put ourselves into the song. I don’t think I want to though.

“What do you mean?” Zach gives me a confused look.

My mind and soul aren’t in a good place right now.

“Oh." He says quiet for a second. "Did you have an idea for a song?”

I have a song picked out but I know it will freak Zach out. I have one I’m pretty sure I’ll use. It’s… One Last Breath by Creed.

“Oh I like that band and that song. I think that could be really… wait, isn’t that song about suicide?”

Maybe. I sign without looking at him.

“It is isn’t it? It’s about wanting to die.” Zach is starting to freak out at this point.

It’s about messing up and wanting to be saved. And yes, it’s about how maybe dying wouldn’t be too bad.

“This is ridiculous.” Zach stands and starts to pace. “You can’t think about killing yourself. It was bad but it couldn’t have been bad enough for that.”

I throw my pad at him, instantly furious. It hits him in the head and I stand, getting in his face. If I had a voice, I would have been screaming. You have no fucking clue what I went through. What I’ve been through. You have no right to say that to me. No fucking right. I’m leaving. My ribs were starting to hurt and my anger made me want to break something.

“Wait Michael! Wait please. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Stop. Please.” Zach grabs at my arms but I struggle until I get out of his grip. I tear open the door and run smack into Charlie. I glare up at him and try to move past him. “Charlie! Stop him from leaving!” Charlie grabs my wrists when they shove at his chest. He pushes me back in the room without letting me go and all the time I’m screaming for him to let me go. The door slides shut and still Charlie won’t let me go.

“What in God’s name is going on? Why is Michael red in the face and running out? And why are you crying?”

Let me go! Get your Gad damn hands off of me!

“I won’t let you go so calm down. Zach what is going on?” Charlie is now glaring at Zach but I don’t care. I keep pulling my wrists away from Charlie’s hands desperate to get away from this room.

“I said something stupid.” I stop struggling to glare at Zach. “I said something incredibly insensitive and I’m sorry! You were talking about suicide and I got upset and…”

“You were talking about suicide?” Charlie turns to look at me.

No. I pull my hands away from Charlie. He asked me about my project for art. We have to use a song as inspiration. It has to speak to us and express our soul. I’m using One Last Breath. Yes it talks about thinking how much better death would be and I admit, I have thought about how much better it would have been if they had killed me. I’m not going to kill myself because of what happened. I chose the song because it feels like I’m going to… to collapse. Like I’m just going to fall apart and I need someone to help hold me together. My life has sucked. It has. More than either of you know. And I just need someone to help me stay whole. Tears are starting to fall down my face and I am starting to fall apart. Charlie just hugs me and moves me to the bed. We sit down and he just continues to give me the comfort I’ve been needing. Zach sits down behind me and just runs his hand over my back. I push against Charlie a few times in a half-hearted attempt to leave but he won’t let me go. Neither one of them will let me fall apart.

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Lyrics to One Last Breath by Creed:
Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there's something left for me
So please come stay with me
'Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking