Only the Heart Knows Why, Quax's Days

Only the Heart Knows Why, Quax's Days
Nine: A Feeling of Remorse

Saturday morning was a rather harrowing affair. My father kept true to his word and had me working hard in the basement all morning. There was a lot of junk down there, some of it from before I was born. Still, I kept working hard and before long I checked my watch and it was time for lunch. I went upstairs and into the bathroom to freshen up. My hands were filthy and my face was completely covered in dust. I just quickly washed myself off and went down to the kitchen.

I made myself a small sandwich to eat, seeing as I wasn't that hungry. After I put my things away I went upstairs again to grabs a clean shirt. I went in and had a brief look around. Then, out of the corner of my eye I saw something out of place. There was a cell phone on my nightstand. Considering I don't own a cell phone, its being there was a little baffling. I went over and picked it up. There was a picture of Kanau with that blonde guy as the background and I sighed softly to myself. He must have left it here before I chased him out.

I couldn't go take it to him now, my dad wouldn't let me go anywhere while there was work to do. I couldn't let find it either, so the best thing to do would be to have it in my pocket on silent mode. I fumbled around with the buttons for a moment, I really had no idea what I was doing. Then suddenly it started making some odd noises; I accidentally called someone!

"Hello?" a voice crackled through the ear piece who was, according to the screen, Hika, "never thought you'd be calling me, Mister Big Shot."

"Uh, hey there," I said to her, trying to make the fact that I was calling her on Kanau's phone perfectly normal, "it's Quax."

"Quax?" she said, sounding puzzled, "why do you have Kanau's phone?"

"Oh, nothing, he just left it here when he stayed over last night," I answered, adding a nod despite knowing she couldn't see me.

"Quax, you horndog," she said, bursting into giggles, "don't you usually go out on a date before that sort of thing happens?"

"Wh-what, it's not like that!" I stammered, "he just wanted a place to stay; nothing happened!"

"Sure Quax." I heard more giggling. "Whatever you say. So, what'd you call for?"

"Oh that was a bit of an accident," I told her, "I was just trying to put it on silent mode and I dialed you by accident."

"Ah, okay," she replied knowingly, "hold down the hash key for that."

"Oh, thank you."

"No problem," she said cheerfully, "see you on Monday."

"Yeah, Monday," I said a little dryly as I heard the line clicked closed. If I made it that far. Still, I turned it onto silent mode and slipped the phone into my pocket. I had to get back into that basement before my dad got angry again so I quickly changed my shirt and made my way back downstairs.

My father was waiting for me by the basement door and he didn't look happy.

"Who the hell said you could have a phone?" he growled.

"I don't have a phone," I said timidly.

He reached out and clasped his hand onto my hip, right over Kanau's phone. I was in for it now; he already knew I had it in that pocket and I felt myself shrink under him. His gaze never shook as he stared down at me. I had my eyes locked into his and he started breathing deeper. "Whose is it," he demanded.

I looked down quickly. "It's a friend of mine's," I said as he tightened his grip on my hip, "he lent it to me Yesterday at school and I forgot to give it back to him."

His eyes narrowed lightly. "You're lying." He spoke softly but with such intensity it had me shrinking further under him. "You had a fucking boy over last night, didn't you?"

I started shaking a little and I nodded. "Y-yes, but nothing happened, I-"

"Shut up!" he spat and I stopped cold, completely at his mercy. "Lying to me is bad enough but I won't have any of your fucking faggotry in my house!" His voice shook with so much anger, I hadn't heard it this bad before. He let go of my hip and pushed me back into the basement and I rolled backward on my heels. I managed to catch the door frame before tumbling down the stairs but I looked up to see the door slamming shut towards me. Instinctively I pulled my arms in to cover my face but now there was nothing holding me up and I fell back down the stairs. I tumbled down and I could feel my shoulder wrenching again and my knee popping with pain before the back of my head broke my fall on the concrete floor.

I just lay there. I felt like I could hardly move and I could see stars littering my vision in front of me. I could tell right away I wasn't going to get any more work done on the basement this afternoon.

---+++---

By around six o'clock I had crawled my way back upstairs and looked a right state. My knee was quite badly bruised and I could barely move it. It was the same with my shoulder. I must have gotten some kind of concussion too because I kept seeing spots all afternoon. I sighed and put my hand over Kanau's phone in my pocket. Luckily it hadn't broken during the fall but I hated that my father was making me go out and return it. He knew I was in a lot of pain right now and he was using it purely as an excuse to torture me. At least he was only a block away.

As I hauled myself along the sidewalk I'm sure I got a lot of looks from people. I didn't care; I was in such a daze I could barely tell they were there and, to be honest, at that very second I couldn't care less what people thought. I just wanted to get this over with and get home and go to bed.

Fifteen minutes later, after finishing what should have been a two minute walk, I crawled onto the porch at Kanau's place. I took a second to enjoy the raised view of the garden before turning and knocking on the door.

Someone who clearly wasn't Kanau opened up. I looked around uneasily as he watched me. "Does Kanau live here?" I asked quietly and he just nodded to me. "He left his phone at my place last night," I said and took it from my pocket to hand it out, "could you give it to him for me?"

"Kanau wouldn't leave his phone around," the man snapped as he snatched the phone away from me, "you must have stolen it, you filthy little thief."

The man retreated and slammed the door in my face, leaving me bewildered and somewhat put off. I turned and headed back home.

By the time I was back, everything was quiet. I went into the kitchen and there was a note pinned to the fridge for me. It said that everyone had gone out for dinner and, since no one could find me, they went on without me. They seem to think I can survive on my own. I shook my head, not being in any mood to eat tonight anyway and very, very slowly made my way back upstairs to my room.

I sat down on my bed and turned my radio on. Noise in the background seemed good right now, but it didn't do well to stop my mind from wandering.

I kept hearing my father's voice from earlier. The way it shook with so much power and rage, the way he had complete dominace over me. His hand on my hip and how easily he just pushed me back. There was so little effort needed. With the control he had over me, he almost could have just pointed and I would have stepped back down the stairs. I was so utterly powerless under him.

And then I still couldn't shake the ideas of what happened the a few days ago. In the days since I've done nothing but try and hide it from everybody. Last night was especially hard. Every night I've been so cold, so wracked with the memories of that night that I wonder how I've been able to stay sane this long. How have I stayed sane when everything I see looks like his horrid, twisted, drunken face? How could I stay sane when all I could smell was the putrid, odoriferous scent of his sweaty, naked body? My dreams were all nightmares and every time my eyes closed for even a second the whole thing played out before me.

I shook my head lightly and wiped my eyes on my sleeve. I was still covered in an inch of dust but I didn't care. I didn't want to care.

I took a hold of my night stand and pulled myself to my feet. I had to escape it, this living nightmare. I walked as best as I could down the hall and into the bathroom. I just needed to get out of sitting in the dark and letting my thoughts well like they had been. I just to do something, to get off my feet and walk around. The bathroom was cold and sterile, the way all bathrooms should be. It would be the perfect place to wash it off, whisk away my troubles. My hand flicked on the light and the sudden brightness of sparkling porcelain made me cringe momentarily.

At the sink I ran some cold water and splashed it over my face. It felt invigorating and as I let myself drip dry I pulled open the medicine cabinet, looking to see if there was anything that might help me be able to sleep better. There was a bottle of painkillers and a bottle of sleeping pills in the back and I took them out. I glanced over the labels and the both said to take one and don't mix them with anything else. I just shrugged the warning off though and took off the lids, swallowing one of each.

My eyes were starting to droop lightly as I watched myself in the mirror. Nothing was happening. I still hurt, inside and out. I opened the bottles and took a couple more from each. Finally my movements started to feel sluggish and heavy. I snatched the bottles and and went back to my room.

I was starting to get a little hot now though, so I threw off my clothes and pulled on a pair of thin pants. They were more restricting but I went over and lay down on my bed. Everything was getting sluggish and heavy now and I spent the next while playing with the trails of my hand as a waved it in front my my lamp.

I reached for the bottle and took a couple more of each. Things were starting to get quieter now. My joints, that moments ago were screaming in agony, were getting reduced to a burning ache. My mind was clearing. The dark thoughts of mine were slowly sliding away into that darkened nothingness. That sweet oblivion, that silence. Soon, I would be able to close my eyes and sleep.

For now, I just took some more of the pills and dropped the empty bottles onto the floor.

Soon I could sleep.