Love, Lose, Live

“Lucas? Lucas. You need to get up. Come on.” I open my eyes to James in my face. I blink a few times trying to wake-up more. “The movie is over and I think it’s time for everyone to go to bed. Time to stand up.” I pull the blanket off my legs and sit up. After a stretch and a yawn, I stand and move towards the stairs but freeze when I get in front of them. I have to go to bed in the bedroom that stills smells like Brian.
“Are you guys leaving?” I ask trying to keep the tremble from my voice.
“I have to go take care of my Mom but I can be back in the morning” Erin tells me.
“You do what you have to do. Don’t worry about me” I say turning and trying to give her a believable smile.
“I’ll worry about you anyways” she says kissing me on the forehead. She turns, grabs her bag and leaves.
“You can go too James. I understand that you have other things going on in your life.” I turn back towards the stairs trying to convince myself to go up them.
“Do you want me to leave?” James piques his eyebrow at me.
“You can. It’s fine.”
“That is not what I asked you. Do you want me to leave?”
I turn to look at him and realize the last thing I want is to be alone in this house. “No. Please stay here. I don’t want to be alone.” I try to avoid crying again so I turn back to the stairs. James slips his hand in mine and I grip hard as I start up the stairs. He follows me up to the bedroom door when I just stare at the door.
“I’m going to be next door in the spare bedroom. Call me and I will be there in a split second.” James kisses me on the cheek, pulls his hand away and walks to the bedroom next door. I hear the door close and now that he is gone, I let the tears go. I opened the door and the smell assaults my nose; that scent that was uniquely Brian fills my brain and memories assaults my mind. I shut the door and stand for a second unsure of what to do. I look to the bed debating going to go to sleep but instead I walk to the closet, pull out one of Brian’s work shirts and pull it over my tank-top. I feel like he is wrapping me in his arms just like he used to before we went to bed. I walk to the bed, fall in and begin to cry as I haven’t done before. The sobs rack my body until I am shaking uncontrollably. I continue to cry even after moisture stopped dampening my cheeks yet my grief still pours out of my soul.


“Lucas. Lucas. Wake-up Lucas. Lucas, you really need to wake-up.” I jerk out of my sleep and jolt up, scrambling away from the hands that are on me.
“Please leave me alone. I didn’t do anything. I-I shouldn’t be in trouble. I didn’t do anything”
“Lucas. Lucas baby you’re not in trouble. You’re fine. I’m not going to hurt you.”
“Brian? Is that you? Wait, no, it can’t be. He’s dead. Today’s his funeral because I got him killed. It was my fault we were out and if I hadn’t wanted to go we wouldn’t have been there and we wouldn’t of been on the street and he would still be alive…” Hands touch my arms and I jerk again. “No. Stay away from me. No. Let me go! Don’t hurt me please. I didn’t mean to. Please! Stop!” I scramble away until the bed disappears under my hand; I instinctually pull back to avoid falling and the hands grab my arms again.
“Lucas, stop.” Arms come around me and I try to pull away. “Stop trying to pull away and let me hold you. And stop moving so I can get to the lights.” I continue trying to pull away not caring if I fall. He could hurt me again. I thought I got away from him but he’s still here. Brian isn’t here to help me. I am in trouble. I have to get away. Suddenly he shifts and forces me down on the bed. He pins my arms and legs and I begin to scream. Not again. I can’t go through this again. I need Brian. I need him to be here. My wrists are transferred to one hand and I expect the other one to reach for my pants but they don’t. My screaming stops when the light flicks on next to the bed but I close my eyes. I hate it the most in the light. “Lucas. Open your eyes right now. Open them!” I jerk open my eyes afraid of the pain that is about to come. My eyes take a moment to adjust, and I whimper the entire time. “God damn it Lucas. I don’t know who you think I am but its James. James. I’m not here to hurt you. Lucas. Calm down baby. Calm down.” The fact that the person above me is James takes a moment to register and I am stuck between relief and embarrassment.
“Please get off of me James.”
“Have you calmed down?”
“No James. I’m terrified, broken and overwhelmed but I really need you to please get off of me.” He gets off of me but only moves to my side. I sit up and go to the bathroom to wash my face.
When I come back, James asks “what were you dreaming of?”
“I was not dreaming.”
“What do you mean? You were whimpering and crying out. It woke me up.”
“It was no dream.” James gives me a puzzled look and then I see the understanding flick across his face.
“It was a nightmare.” Silence permeates the air. “Do you want to talk about it?” I stare at the floor under my feet, hands twisting the hem of Brian’s shirt. “It may help.” I decide to move to the bed, sit at the very end and pull my knees to my chest. James stays at the top of the bed, giving me my space and trying to keep me from running off again because I know I want to.
I begin shakily, looking away from James. “It was my father again. This dream was different though and much worse. Brian was there. He was in my bedroom at parent’s house. We were talking, just talking when my father barges in and shoots Brian. He just shoots him. And Brian looks so shocked and I lunge for him screaming his name but my father grabs me and begins to laugh. He forces me down on my bed as I scream reaching for Brian. My father, he ties my hands to the bed post just as he has before and he” my voice breaks and I clear my throat to continue “he pulls my pants down. Brian reaches for me. His hand is all bloody and I have to watch the lights go out of his eyes all over again. My father, he, he rapes me laughing at me the whole time. He finishes and unties me but he won’t let me go to Brian. Every time I get close to him, father would pull me back and hit me. He kept hitting me and laughing. Just laughing at me and he wouldn’t stop. He kept laughing at me and hitting me over and over and Brian’s blank eyes staring at me” I broke down sobbing. James’s arms came around me and I suddenly turned around, throwing my arms around his neck and wailed. James just sat there, petting my hair and saying sweet somethings. It took me what felt like hours to stop crying and hiccupping. James kisses me on my temple when I finally calm all the way down. He begins to move out from under my legs but I just grip harder and give out an embarrassing whine.
“It’s ok baby. I just really have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right behind that door and I’ll be back as quick as I can. Ok?” I nod and move off of him. I curl up in the middle of the bed exhausted from my nightmares and the tears. I watch James walk away and when the door shuts, I feel alone again. In mere moments, I hear the toilet flush, the water run and James comes out, leaving the light on. I reach my hands out to him, desperate for comfort. He comes to me and wraps his body around mine. I bury my head in his chest and sooner than I was expecting, fall asleep.