To Become

1:33am - Dead

"You didn't work today. You made me lose money." I told him that I was sorry. "Come with me." A tear fell down my face. I had a feeling about what was going to happen. What he was going to do.

We walked into his room, and he pulled off his shirt. I looked down at the floor. Then a cloth over my eyes. I couldn't see. He grabbed my hand and led me to the bed. He pushed me down gently, but then I knew my assumption was right. I heard him unzip his pants and them fall to the floor. I shivered. He would make me pay for losing him money. My shirt was taken off. Then he pushed me on my back. My jeans were next. The rest was the same as I was used to with everyone else. I just couldn't see.

When he was done, I was just laying there quietly and still waiting for what was to come next. Nothing came. After about three hours, according to the clock once he took the blindfold off, I was covered in sweat. Mine and his. I just laid there. Completely open to him. He was dressed by this time. He hadn't told me I could move yet. I didn't want to get in trouble. "Get dressed." I stood and did so.

He grabbed my arm and pulled me to the closet. I was pushed inside. I fell. He pulled my hair and sat me up. My knees curled into my chest. I tasted salty wetness. I was crying. Silently. He shut the closet door and barred it so I couldn't get out. It was dark. I felt sick again. I heard him change and then get into his own bed, shutting the lamp off. I drifted off to sleep.

In the morning, I woke. My neck hurt from the position I slept in. It was a small closet. I waited, and soon, someone came to let me out. It was Greg. "You alright?" I nodded. He held out his hand, and I took it, him pulling me up to my feet. That's when I noticed my legs felt weak, and I tripped. He caught me before I fell. "Bruised. He was pretty rough last night, huh?" I looked at the door. Ryan stood there just looking at me. I swallowed. I shook nervously. He held out two pills and a glass of water. "Take it." I did. It was my antibiotic and the lexapro. He turned and walked off after he took the glass from my hands. Another tear.

Greg turned me around to face him. His thumb brushed over my cheek and wiped it away. "Don't cry. You'll make it worse." I didn't understand what I did wrong. I couldn't help getting sick. "Let's go."

He took me back to the basement. I went to mine and Sara's cell and sat on my cot. She was getting ready in the bathroom. "You can work today." I laid back on the cot and waited for Sara.

The day played out as usual. Brad and Jason left earlier. It was around 10 when Ryan came to the cell and sat on the cot next to me. I had just showered. Sara was showering at the time. He embraced me. "Sorry."

I forgave you before it even happened.

-----------------------------------------

4:02am - Help

A small light. That's all. Just bright enough to see the tears fall on this page.

Why does he have to confuse me. Why does he have to keep me so broken inside. All the pain and screaming. I don't understand. Just stop it! Just leave me alone! Please! That's what I want to say. I can't say. I'll hide. Don't run. Hide.

My mind is running around in circles trying to figure out what is right. I don't understand the difference between right and wrong anymore. I do what they tell me to do. It's wrong, but they say it's right. What is it? Wrong or right? It has to be right doesn't it? If I don't do it, I get punished. When a person is punished, that means that they did something wrong. Therefore, what they tell me to do is right. Or are they the ones who are really wrong?

Please someone tell me. So many questions and still no answers. No one will answer me because I will never ask out loud. Read my mind. I can't speak it.

It hurts. This cut, the blood pouring still. Who would have ever thought that I would sink to this level. To mutilate myself. Ryan left for just a moment. I grabbed the razor. My heart beating loudly. It almost came out of my chest. My mind telling me to just do it. Place it over my wrist and a deep push, pull across. Cringe. Yet, it feels so good. Watching my emotions flow out in crimson. You never were, Beautiful.

He didn't notice. I can't let him see.

I want to be free.

I won't go outside today. I'll sleep this pain away. This nightmare. Maybe I'll sleep forever. I'll never wake up. My way of telling them how I'm dead. Inside and out.

I don't want this, so...

please...

help me

----------------------------------

4:32pm - Ignore

I told him I didn't want to go. He dragged me outside anyway. So here I am, sitting down away from him like a stubborn child.

It's warm, but the wind is cold. I want to go back inside. "Fresh air will be good for you." I'm fine. I don't need it. Just let me rest.

"Come here." I'll ignore him. "I said come here." Still ignoring. "Ryan, leave her be." Please.

I don't want to be near you. I want to stay as far away from you as I can. I need time to figure this out.

----------------------------------

11:32pm - Become

He hit me today. He told me to come with him. I said no. Slap. "Don't you ever talk back to me!" So hard I fell. Sara ran over, but he told her to leave. She backed away and turned. I'm sorry.

Why must everything I do be so wrong? Why have I changed so much. "You used to be such a good girl. What happened to you?" I don't know Greg. Maybe I need some control, but he has complete control over me. None left for me to grab.

Ryan saw the cut. I didn't hide it well enough. "How did you get this?" How do you think? "It wasn't there Saturday. How did you get it?" Oh how I wanted to tell him to shut up and back off. He pulled me toward him, his face inches from mine. "Did you do this?" I shook. Please let me go. "It's infected. It has to be cleaned. Come with me." No. The rest has been told.

It stung. I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't give him that pleasure. But it burned, a tear fell. Stupid! Go back. I hid my face. He stood me up and I followed obediently. What have I become?

I was thrown into Greg's office. Ryan slammed the door. "What did you do to piss him off so badly." I shrugged, and held out my arm. "He cut you?" I did. He frowned as he reached for the peroxide. He waved me over, and I layed my arm over the sink. He tipped the cap over my arm. It bubbled. He put some type of medicine over it and wrapped it. Too large for a bandage. "Why?" I wanted to die.

I walked back out to my cell and sat in front of it, leaning against the bars. They dug in my back, but I didn't care. Sara came over and asked if I was okay. I told her I was fine. "You shouldn't make him angry like that."

Yeah, I know.