Ghost of you

A huge thank you to all of you, who have reviewed, wish I could hug you for real and give you real cookies, but we just have to settle for the imaginary things, yeah? =)

I know you must be frustrated that Alexander can't bring himself to tell them. All I can say, that in the end everything will reveal, just how and when and by whom: will remain a mystery, for how long? can't tell ;)


A song that inspired me with this chapter; Josh Groban: Remember when it rained'

You can hear it from here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Yr6UDIQODU

BETAD by: Teeta

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Chapter 9

The boy had so much spirit, so much life. He was warm, innocent and loving; so pure, so untouched by the cruelness of the world and yet he knew of it, had experienced it.

“My mother, I know she loved us with all her heart, I don’t remember much, but I do remember what it felt like to be held by her. She usually kept her hair up, but I remember times when she let it down, falling down to her waist, like soft, golden hay. To me, she looked like an angel.” The boy had told him one night.

Olavi liked to talk about his family, though he remembered so little of them. He would also ask him to tell stories of his family. Alexander had remained silent for so long and he had been alone for what felt like a lifetime, that now, having someone to hold, to talk to, made him remember things long ago forgotten and he realized that remembering didn’t always have to be painful, that one could actually smile at the memories of the people long ago lost and loved.

“My mother was a wise, beautiful woman, she always wanted more children, but I was the only one she got and she did love me, spoiled me even. We were rich once, lived in a fine house in Moscow, had everything one could ever ask for. As a child I was happy, up until she died; father changed after that, I believe her death broke his heart, he never remarried…” With that Alexander realised how much he and his father were the same; he had almost ended up the same way as his father had; never able to love anyone beside the one love lost too early.

But now? Every time he looked at Olavi, he felt such warmness, he felt at peace and he longed to hold the boy when he was not around, he longed to touch him when he was near and feared for him, feared the day when it would be taken away from him, nothing good lasted forever, it was the lesson that life had taught him well.

Secret meetings, stolen kisses, stolen moments. Gazing at the moon at nights outside in the forest, in each other’s arms, the only time of day that they could be like that with each other, outside in the darkness of their usual meeting place; the guestroom where he slept.

The boy was quite a gifted artist, he had shown him his work and spoken of his dreams; of going to Paris, of learning the language and painting there, becoming a true artist.


“When the summer ends, I want to go with you…” Olavi said one night as he was lying in his arms by the tree, beside the lake. “My stepparents want me to return to Stockholm, but I want to go with you. I don’t want to go back there.” Alexander was quiet for a while.
“Where would we go?” He asked then, with a voice no louder than a whisper.
“Anywhere, to Moscow, to your home, if you’d like.”
“I will not take you there.” Alexander said firmly.
“Why?”
“I-, I just can’t take you there,” He said, wanting to tell the true reason, but not finding the right words. ‘Because there are people who are trying to track me down, people that might hurt you…’ He thought to himself almost saying it out loud but the words got stuck to his throat; it was his greatest fear; that he would find him, that he would find Olavi.

“Well, come with me to Paris then, to be honest; I’d rather go there anyway.”
“And your sister?” Alexander asked. Olavi was quiet.
“I don’t know… I wouldn’t want to leave her, I’m not sure if I even could, but I-,” The boy glanced at him nervously. “But I wouldn’t want to leave you either and you… You’re the one I love… I would even follow you to your home land.” It had been hard for him to say, the strong words of love, the fear of what the man would answer, what his first love would answer, the man that had been closer to him than anyone before, the man who had been inside of him. Alexander touched his face, kissed his forehead and his lips, smiled.

“What would people think when seeing you with me?” He asked then. Olavi lowered his gaze, swallowing down the lump in his throat; the disappointment that the answer had not been the one that he had hoped.
“I guess they’d think that you’re my father.” He tried to joke, but his laughter was weak.
Alexander shook his head, smiling in amusement.
“So you do think I’m old then?” He asked. Olavi shook his head, smiling as well.
“No,” he said and looked up.
“Well I am, and it is true that I could be your father considering our age difference, but as soon as we would open our mouths; I think it would quite clear that we’re not the same blood. And besides we don’t exactly look alike, now do we?” He asked with a grin.
“You’re right, we don’t. You look like a Russian…. I knew you were from Russia, the moment I first saw you, before I heard you speak… And you were looking at me, staring at me even.” Olavi said bemusedly.
“Really? Well sorry, I suppose I was.” He smiled.
“It was because I look like him, wasn’t it?” Olavi asked then.
“I-,”
“No, don’t say anything, I understand.”
“Olavi, there’s something I need to tell you.” Alexander said then, Olavi glanced at him, squeezed his hand.
“It’s alright Alex, we can talk about it later. You love him, it’s hard to forget, I understand. We can talk about it later.”

**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**


The heat of the sauna, sweat glimmering on their naked flesh, skin touching another, making the heat grow. Olavi wriggled on his lap. They kissed, held each others.
“Your sister wouldn’t like this; me being here with you.” Alexander said as he held the boy tighter on his lap.
“She doesn’t have to know everything, besides it’s quite normal for two men to go to the sauna together.”
“Not quite like this I believe.” Alexander breathed out, kissing his neck.
“Yes, not quite like this. They don’t know what they’re missing though” Olavi chuckled. They kissed again, Olavi could feel the older man starting to harden a bit and smiled into the kiss.

“It’s too hot…” Alexander whispered finally.
“Aye, might not be the best place for this…” Olavi agreed, though they still continued, both of their skin hot and slippery, hard to breathe because of the hotness and the state of arousal.
“Come to my room this night?” Alexander asked him breathing heavily.
“I couldn’t stay away, not after this.” Olavi whispered. “I want you inside me so badly that it’s driving m crazy.” He moaned then, moving his hips, getting full erection from the man.
“I don’t think I’ll have to say anything to you, to know what my answer to that is.” Alexander laughed softly. Olavi smiled and kissed him.
“Just few hours before the night fall, you think that you can wait?”
“If I must, I’ll wait, I’ll wait forever if necessary, but oh gods I do hope I won’t have to wait that long.”
“You won’t.”

All of a sudden the door to the sauna opened and Olavi almost had heart attack, he got up from Alexander's lap as quickly as he could and looked to the door where he found Emma’s son Elias. The boy had placed his thumb into his mouth and was sucking on it looking both of them back and forth.

“Elias.” Olavi breathed out, trying to calm himself down. The boy frowned, bending his head to the side, clearly not knowing what to think.
“Alexander and I…” He stared then.
“You were kissing.” The boy said. Olavi felt the corners of his mouth twitching as he tried to smile.
He got down onto the floor glanced at Alexander, who looked just as frightened as he felt.
He took the small boy into the changing room, and covered his own nakedness with a towel.
“Okay, Elias, um… We weren’t really kissing, we were just, um…uh…You see I-,…” He was lost with words. How could he explain this to a three year old. “You see we are very close friends and I-, I was…”
“You were making babies?” The boy asked innocently. Olavi stared at him with his mouth open, then he had sense enough to laugh.
“Babies? Oh heavens no. Two men can’t make babies… I. We’re just friends; Alexander and I... and there’s a secret, just for us men. You mustn't tell your mother or to aunt Aino, or anyone for that matter okay? This is between us?”
“Um, okay.” The boy decided.
“Mom just wanted you to know that the supper is ready.”
“Okay, thank you, tell her that we’ll come to eat as soon as we have finished washing.”
“Okay.” The boy said and ran off.

Olavi took a deep breath before returning into the sauna.
“Do you think that he’ll tell?” Alexander asked
“I certainly hope not. I’m sure he won’t” Olavi said and hoped that he would be right, he knew that they would both be in big trouble if the truth came out.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**

The supper was a quiet affair, even Elias ate quietly. Occasionally someone tried to start up a conversation, mostly it was Emma, who in the end gave up on trying and lost herself into her own thoughts.


10.00 pm Olavi told them that he would already be going to bed, glancing quickly at Alexander who looked back at him quickly, nodding his head so that no one wouldn’t notice. Aino went to her room a little later after her brother. Leaving Alexander alone with Emma.

It had begun to rain, they lighted up some candles. Alexander tried to read a book that he had taken with him from home, a book that he had read almost a thousand times already; it somehow reminded him of Elias. He sometimes feared that he would forget and he didn’t want to forget. He felt guilty of the new feelings he had for the other boy, somehow fearing that Elias might think that he loved him less now because of it, partly knowing how stupid it was. Elias was dead, Olavi was alive and he should concentrate on the living, not to the dead. But it was easier said than done.


”I found some pictures.” The woman said as Alexander was ready to go to bed. He looked at her; sitting in the living room, close to the window, darkness outside, rain falling down on the roof. There was sadness in her eyes, in her voice, loneliness in her being.
“Pictures?” He asked, stepping closer.
“Yes.” She smiled slightly, without joy. “Please, sit down, I could use some company.” She asked gesturing to the seat next to her. Alexander looked at the time; 11.00pm. In all truth he wanted nothing more than to go to his room, crawl into his bed and wait for Olavi to come and sleep next to him. But he could hear in her voice how much she needed someone to listen, so he stayed.

“I know that he is dead, I know I should mourn for the death of my husband more than the death of him. A love of two children, such an innocent love, purer than anything I’ve ever had.” Emma spoke holding pictures and finally giving one to him.

“Elias and I, at the age of 6.” She said quietly, almost whispering. And Alexander looked at the picture in his hand. A black and white picture of a blond boy and a girl sitting on a blanket in a garden, both of them were smiling. The woman handed him another picture, he didn’t need her to tell who the boy was in it; Elias, at the age of ten, with his parents it seemed, a handsome man and a beautiful pregnant woman holding a baby in her arms, small smile gracing her lips as she held the hand of her eldest and hold the young girl on her lap and the baby boy in her stomach, her husband’s arm on her shoulders. Elias was smiling brightly, his father had a serious look.

A rush of emotions washed through him as Alexander watched the face he had longed to see for so many years. The boy in the picture was young, the horrors of the future still unknown to him, the future must have seemed carefree and it showed on his face and it showed on the face of his mother. A young woman, with everything that she had ever dreamed of; a beautiful, happy family, secured future, or so she must have thought at the time.


It was hard to keep himself neutral, it was hard to comfort the woman, mourning a lost love, a life that he missed just as much as she did. And he wanted to tell her, he wanted to get it from his chest, for it weighted on his heart every single day. But everything had turned so complicated; he hadn’t expected to fall in love with the brother, he hadn’t expected to find the peace that he had searched for in this place. And at the same time, he was torn more with each passing day; he knew that eventually he would have to tell them and he knew it would be hard, he knew that the information would both confuse and hurt Olavi. He knew he had messed everything up big time; the story of his life.

After comforting Emma, the woman was ready to go to bed and he was left alone, with the tormenting memories and the photographs of his first love. He felt enormous pain and guilt inside, Elias had stopped visiting his dreams, and he had been a constant visitor in them for so many years. “You must hate me now.” He whispered to the darkness and then looked at the picture in his hand. “I was right about your smile….” He whispered then, caressing the picture with his thumb. “I’ll never stop loving you, I hope you know that.”


It was past midnight when Alexander finally laid down on his bed. The door opened softly, the sound of Olavi’s bare feet on the wooden floor. The boy climbed onto the bed with him and snuggled close to his chest.
“I’m sleepy.” He yawned, “but I couldn’t fall a sleep without you.” He said then. Alexander kissed his forehead and held him.
“I’m sorry that I’m so tired, I would really want to…” Olavi muttered, but Alexander shushed him.
“Just sleep, it’s alright. We have time later, I can wait.”
The boy fell asleep fast and Alexander couldn’t help but smile when looking at him. “I do love you Olavi.” He whispered, knowing that the boy was fast a sleep by then.

That night, in his sleep, Alexander returned into the old school building, the dark room with the stove and the old mattress on the floor. He looked around, finally seeing Elias standing in front of the window, more light filling the room, a gentle smile on his lips.
“Elias.” He spoke his name and the green eyed boy only smiled.
“I’m sorry.” Alexander said. The boy still smiled, but didn’t say anything for a long time.

“Good bye Sascha, it’s time.” Elias whispered, coming closer, almost touching, but only almost. “Keep him save.” Was the last thing that Alexander heard before he woke.

He snuggled closer to Olavi, never wanting to let go, fearing to lose him like he had lost Elias.

TBC...

A/N: Please review =)