Any Given Thursday

November 2001

Thanksgiving had proven to be a very special holiday because she spent most of the day with huddled together with Jake in the loft in her father's barn. They had both eaten Thanksgiving dinner separately with their respective families, but she wanted to spend some quality time with her boyfriend.

Celina enjoyed the mellowing quiet that could be found inside of her father's barn. The ladder leading to the upstairs loft allowed her to get away from the hustle and bustle of her family, school, and life in general.

Watching the winter's setting sun with Jake was nice and romantic. They shared a single cup of warm apple cider, just happy to be in each other's company.

Sitting with Jake made her feel effervescent, as if everything around her was teeming with life. Despite the cold chill, she felt as if every cell in her body was brimming with unexpended energy.

She could use the respite from the sluggishness that she had experienced these past few weeks. They were finally seventeen, one year shy from adulthood. She was getting tired of SAT and ACT prep books, or looking through college brochures.

She was looking forward to graduation, to college, and to leaving home. She and Jake had been trying to avoid the issue for the most part, considering that they both had different opinions on which college to attend.

"What are you thinking about kid? You're off in another world."

Jake's pinch of her brown skin snapped her back to reality.

Sometimes, she wished that he wore his hair longer so that she could give his head a few yanking. His obsession with touching her in annoying manner to get her attention was childish.

"I am thinking about how a certain person insists on pinching me to get my attention!"

She snapped, flicking his forehead with her thumb and forefinger. Before she could launch into a lecture about the importance refraining from pinching her very sensitive skin, he pulled her in for a simmering kiss, effectively silencing her.

They pulled away from each other, their breath heavy and their bodies heated. Jake pulled her against him so that she firmly between his longer legs. Their blanket and shared body heat kept them warm despite the cold.

"Celina, final exams are going to be in two weeks and you still have yet to get more than a C+ on your Calculus exam. I promised that I would tutor you so pay attention."

Jake admonished, handing her the spiral notebook that rested forgotten on top of her backpack. Although he loved his girlfriend very much, when it came to studying subjects that she had no interest in, tutoring her became a nightmare.

It wasn't that Celina didn't have the aptitude for the coursework. She simply preferred to coast through the class.

Normally Jake wouldn't care one way or the other, if he were tutoring someone else. But this was Celina, and she was special. He wanted her to have the best grades possible so that they could get into the same university.

"I thought we agreed that we were going to try our best to break into the top ten percent of our class until graduation Celina. If you fail this class, we will end up with different schedules next semester and maybe even next year!"

Celina groaned as she gathered the course materials and reviewed the formulas that would be on next week's test. What difference did it make if she did or did not solve some of these problems? She wasn't planning on being an engineer or a mathematician.

"Okay, okay. You are worse than my mother when it comes to studying. Pass me that calculator."

She couldn't help but be disappointed by the shift of their moods. She didn't fault Jake for wanting her to study more, but it wasn't like she was in danger of failing any of her classes.

Celina maintained a 3.3 GPA. It wasn't exactly stellar, but neither was it a shameful academic record.

"You should really calm down about your obsession with grades Jake. Both of us should be able to get into the colleges of our choices."

Jake, pointedly ignored her comment. He knew that Celina was determined to go back to the Chicago for college, but that didn't mean he had to like it. He didn't want to be so far away from her—she might meet someone else and then forget about him.

"Jacob Collier, boy you better listen to me!"

Celina growled, snatching math notes out of his hand. Jake forced his green eyes upward to stare into her angry brown orbs. The slight furrowing of her brow and unhappy frown on her face signaled that Celina was upset.

"What is it now Celina? Why are you getting annoyed with me when I only want you to succeed? You're my girlfriend and I want to help you when you need it. Truthfully, you suck at this subject and you need help."

She rolled her eyes, moving further away from him. He had already soured her romantic mood and she didn't want to say something that she would regret so she gathered her things, hopping off of the ladder, leaving him there.

"Hey wait, where are you going?"

Celina whirled on him suddenly, frustrated by his behavior.

"I know that I need help with studying for the final exam Jake but I do not need you to constantly remind me. You ruined what supposed to be a romantic evening for the two of us."

Reaching for Celina's ungloved hands, Jake brought her hands to his lips for a gossamer light kiss. Sometimes being with Celina was like waking from an exciting dream, it was very satisfying, but after the act, he couldn't quite fully remember what had taken place.

He had been so engrossed in studying, that he forgot the true purpose of their being out here. The warmth of her body so close to his was making him lose focus on what was important.

Still, he couldn't let Celina fail, not if they were going to go to college together.

"I just want you to do well so that we can get into the same college. I love you kid, and I don't want this—us, to ever end. I want to be with you forever."

Celina regarded him silently, not knowing what to make of his words. She gently stroked his cheeks with her soft palms, pretending that she didn't see the unshed tears in his eyes. Suddenly, feeling the need to comfort him, she pulled him into a warm hug.

"Jake, nothing lasts forever."

Jake pulled away from her embrace, looking her resolutely in the eyes. How could he make her see that they were destined to be together?

"You're wrong Celina. We last forever. I will never stop loving you or wanting to be with you. I want you to take this seriously so that we can attend UGA just like we planned."

Celina grabbed his hand, shifting her backpack on her shoulder nervously. She didn't like where this conversation was headed. Why did Jake have to talk about their future all of the time?

Why couldn't they just enjoy their youth and face the big college decision when it came? She wanted to enjoy the time that they had left, not spend it on pointless arguments.

"I love you Jake, you know that. But I am not going to UGA. When we graduate I plan on attending the University of Chicago. I've told you this before."

He angrily snatched his hands away from her, this time being the one to walk away from her. Jake headed towards his house, using the woods as a shortcut.

"Wait a minute Jake, what's your problem? Can you please slow down? I can't walk very fast in these boots!!"

Celina yelled, huffing as she raced to catch up with him. Jake slowed, but he didn't stop until he felt her completely behind him. Celina slammed into him, falling on the cold, hard grass below. He turned and gently pulled her to her feet, all while avoiding her gaze.

"How do you expect to even get into the University of Chicago with your grades?"

Jake asked, as they walked together in the growing dark through the woods. He kept his pace slow, keeping in mind that her legs were not quite as long as his own.

"I'll have you know that my grades aren't that bad. I am on the honor roll."

Celina replied, tempted to shove a pinecone in his increasingly annoying mouth. Not everyone maintained a 3.98 GPA like Mr. Knowitall over here.

"They're average grades, but are they good enough to get into this school? You don't really apply yourself in high school, are you suddenly going to do so while in college?"

Her heard her indignant gasp before he felt the sting of a painful slap against his left cheek. He ignored the pain and the tears in her eyes as he neared his home.

"How could you say something like that to me?"

Jake sighed, leaning against a tall pine tree as he thought of how best to answer her. He hadn't wanted to broach this subject now, but perhaps it was time. She needed to know how he felt about her behavior as of late and what it was doing to him and their relationship.

"You want the truth?"

Celina placed her hands on her hips and gave him a look indicating that she would not stand for anything less.

"You have so much potential, so much ability lying dormant within you that you refuse to tap into because you are afraid. Not only are you afraid of what will happen when you allow your brilliance to shine through unfettered, you are afraid to do so with me."

"You don't what you're talking about."

She scoffed, looking away from him, but Jake could tell by the shaking of her shoulders, that she was doing everything in her power to avoid crying in front of him. She didn't like to cry in front in general, but she especially didn't like to show her vulnerability in front of him either.

"Explain it to me then. Explain why you want to leave me, why you are doing your best to ensure that we will not be able to enjoy our adult lives together."

Celina turned to face him, her eyes red and face tired. Even now her beauty took his breath away. The light of the moon reflected off of her, making her look like a woodland creature whose ethereal beauty belonged in a forest such as this one.

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I didn't want my future planned for me by my boyfriend? Whenever we talk about life after graduation, it's always about what you think we should do…I don't want to be the one constantly in your shadow!"

Celina walked ahead of him then, knowing that he would be upset, and frankly she didn't want to be near him when he inevitably lost his cool. Jake had been right about a few things, but most of what he said stemmed from her inability to assert herself in their relationship.

Admittedly, she could concede that she didn't use all of her potential, because a part of her was a bit scared of what success may entail. She loved and trusted Jake, but she almost always let him lead in their relationship.

She stood on the porch, waiting for him to unlock the door. Jake motioned for her to enter the warm house, both of them glad to be out of the cold. Celina placed her backpack by the door, and watched as Jake made them cocoa.

"Have you always felt this way? Do you think that I am controlling? Do I impede you in any way?"

She could hear the hurt in his voice and see the look of disappointment in his eyes. Returning quickly from the kitchen, he handed her a cup, with a melted marshmallow and a chocolate wafer on her saucer.

"Ever since we got together I have let you be the one to choose…well everything. I know that we love each other, but I just want to know that I can be strong without you. It's like you are a burning comet, I am a mere star in your wake."

Jake said nothing for several moments. He sipped his cocoa quietly, staring out the window with a contemplative look.

"I didn't—It wasn't my intention to ever make you feel that way. I thought you knew that I cherished you, otherwise why would I be trying so hard to…"

He trailed off, letting the meaning behind his words fill the air.

"So is that it then? You're just going to go off to Chicago and leave me behind?"

Celina sighed, getting up to sit closer to her boyfriend. Sometimes, Jake could be such a drama queen. Everything was always black and white with him, with no room for grey areas.

"What's stopping you from coming with me? Why can't you come with me for a change and let me show you something amazing?"

Celina kissed him forcibly then, as if she were marking him with her scent. Her lips explored his mouth vigorously, desperately trying to commit his taste to memory. She broke apart from him as the need for oxygen overwhelmed them both.

"Will you join me?"

Pulling her atop him, he whispered softly in her ear.

"You're mine. You'll always be mine, and I don't like the thought of losing what is mine."

Jake smiled at Celina in a way that he knew would melt her heart. When he echoed back the words that she had spoken to him over a year ago, she knew that things were going to be okay.

-----

Despite walking in the late night summer heat while wearing strappy sandals and carrying two pieces of heavy luggage, Celina was able to get as far down the street as two blocks before Jake managed to catch up with her.

She stole a quick glance at him, her silence relaying the anger and sorrow that she felt towards him at the moment.

At least he had the decency to look a bit contrite. He was more interested in her coming back to the motel room, than anything else at the moment.

Celina knew that he wasn't going to leave her alone until she returned back to their room. Unlocking the door, he helped her put her bags in the back seat of the truck before climbing into the front seat.

The ride back to the hotel was uncomfortable, too full an unsettling disquiet. Once Jake turned the engine off, Celina made to leave the vehicle, but his firm hand on her wrist steadied her movement.

Her eyes moved up the length of his arm to stare into his haunted eyes. He gently caressed her hand, enjoying the feel of her soft skin against his own calloused fingers.

"Celina, before you do anything else there is something that I want you to know. I-I know that I have said many crazy, insensitive things to you, and that as much as I'd like to pretend that you are the worst thing that has ever happened to me, we both know that's a lie."

She turned away from him, unwilling to be swayed by his searching stare. Jake always did have such a strange ability to make her stomach flip flop, and her heart flutter. She wasn't going to let him manipulate her into falling for his lies.

She could not be moved by his words, there was too much at stake. She felt too much loss, too much sorrow, and too much pain to be taken in by his charm again.

The absence of he and their son had left a gaping hole in a heart that she had long since forfeited to the abyss of her psyche.

Jake let go of her hands so that he could softly caress her cheeks with his large palms, bringing her back from her gloomy reverie. His thumb ran across her full lips, as if savoring the feel of her body through the gentle tactile sensation.

"Please hear me out Celina. I didn't mean what I said back there and I want to apologize. There are things that we both need to make clear or we will never be able to move forward with our lives."

Celina leaned away from him, upset that his truck didn't offer more space. She didn't like where this conversation was headed and she didn't think that she was ready to hear him reveal another heartbreaking secret.

Worse yet, Jake's hands were now firmly holding her in place, making a quick escape impossible. She didn't like it when he touched her as if she were precious, as if she were loved by him. Since the death of their son he had made it clear that she was persona non grata in his view.

"I know that I have hurt you, and I am truly sorry for making you feel as if you were less than worthy. But you hurt me too Celina. You broke my heart."

She scoffed then, snatching her hands roughly away from him. She hadn't meant to break his heart, but what about what he had done? Were they going to play the blame game for the rest of lives? Hurting each other seemed to be germane to both of their existences.

"I loved you so much back then. I thought that we would last forever and I was a naïve kid for ever believing that we could be happy together. I didn't mean to break your heart, but can you blame me for running away from you? You betrayed my trust!"

The steel in her voice and the sound of her heartbreaking sobs was more than he could stand. Jake thought that he had long ago hardened himself against the sound and vision of her locked in the throes of despair.

He thought that after that fateful June night, when they had both made such a fatal mistake that he would never be moved by her tears again.

"I know that I should have listened to you and never left the house with Nathan, and that it is my fault that he is gone, but I—"

He cut her off before she could continue by pulling her back into his warm embrace. He wasn't yet ready to relive the memory of that night. The anniversary of Nathan's death was fast approaching and to hear Celina speak of the accident now was too much to bear.

"Listen to me Celina. Listen. You loved our son more than your own life. He was your world and as well as mine. We both wanted to share so much with him, but we have to move on now."

She pulled away from him once more, to stare with shocked eyes at his declaration. How could he say that to her? How could he expect her to just move on so easily from Nathan's death?

Celina had been so angry when Nathan died—angry at Jake, angry at the world, and most of all she was angry with herself. Their little boy was never coming back because of her poor judgment.

"How can you ask me to just move on Jake? Losing a child is not like losing a girlfriend, or a house. It is emotionally devastating! I carried him in my womb for nine months. He was the combination of everything beautiful that you and I could ever create!"

She spat angrily, upset that Jake appeared to be trivializing their son's death. Jake gently rubbed her back in a circular motion, silently willing her to divest herself of the guilt and pain that she still carried within her.

Celina was right about Nathan in that he was greatest thing that either of them had ever done.

Just because he didn't give birth to their son didn't mean that Jake didn't have his own special bond with the boy. He pulled Celina against him so that her head lay against his chest.

"Just because I didn't birth him doesn't mean that I don't love him. I will never stop loving him, but Nathan would want us to move on with our lives and get over our pain."

He gently wiped her tears, kissing away the tear tracks on her face. Even immersed in her pain, she was very beautiful, but she could be so much more if she so wished.

"Celina, you didn't kill our son. He died in a tragic accident which was never your fault. You are not to blame for his death."

He wrapped his arm around her waist, inhaling her familiar cinnamon scent. Being in such close proximity to her was once again awakening feelings that he thought were long since buried in the deep recesses of his mind.

"I was a coward to allow what other people thought of us drive you away from me. I helped place you in that precarious position and I realize now that you only wanted what was best for our family."

Celina exhaled softly, obviously surprised to hear his admission. It was nice to hear Jake finally admit to playing a part in the breaking of their shared trust. Hearing Jake refer to her as family made Celina feel warm all over.

"Why are you saying this now, Jake? I know that I hurt you when I left you without hearing you out, but I was scared and alone. Everything that I believed about our relationship, in my view, was a lie."

She looked away from him, absently playing with her hair, wishing that she could be anywhere but near him at the moment.

"You worked so hard to convince me that you truly loved me, that when I finally believed you, you abandoned me. I had no one. My family was so disappointed with me, and nothing that I could have said or done would have made them feel any different."

Celina whispered, as the tears fell down her brown skin like tiny twin streams. She covered her face, suddenly embarrassed.

What happened to the vow that she made to herself? What happened to not being made to feel sad or afraid by people who were not worth her tears?

"I am saying it because you are the mother of my child. God, what happened to us? We used to be so good together. We used to have fun, to make each other laugh and smile. We used to complete each other."

Celina rolled her eyes then, wondering how Jake could be so naïve. Or perhaps it wasn't naïveté—perhaps it was arrogance that made him think that the end of their relationship was a sudden, unexpected occurrence.

Their relationship went out with a whimper, not a bang. There were tears, accusations, and of course, the funeral, but there had been no point in time in which they both got to hammer in a final, painful jab.

"We grew up Jake, when I got pregnant. We realized that we could never truly fit into each other's world. I would never be good enough for your friends, and I barely passed muster with your family."

Apparently, these words didn't sit well with Jake and he dragged Celina against him, into a rough bear hug. His arms encircled her waist, holding her so tightly that it was beginning to constrict her breathing.

Before she could speak a word of protest against his rough manhandling, he broke their silence.

"You cannot tell me that you didn't know that I loved you. Celina, you were my first love, my first sexual partner, my best friend. You were everything to me. Yes, my friends were assholes, but I was the biggest one of all for making you feel this way."

He lifted her chin, wanting to look into her eyes as the well of his emotions finally broke. He would never accept that Celina had been a mere childhood dalliance.

Celina said nothing as she listened to him. She had no idea that Jake housed such deep, unrelenting guilt.

Perhaps she had been selfish for thinking that she was the only one who had been deeply hurt. Jake had lost Nathan too, and the bond between father and son had been severed forever.

"I knew that you loved me Jake, but that didn't make it any less hard to take when I saw you with that woman. I wanted to be accepted by your circle of friends, and to be welcomed by your family. Brian and Rhonda were the only ones who cared enough to even see the baby."

He sighed loosening his arms around her, but not fully releasing her from his embrace. Celina was right about one thing—his parents and grandparents had been less than thrilled when they learned that he had impregnated that chubby little black girl from up the street.

His parents, Richard and Deborah Collier, were not racists, but neither had they been very accepting of Celina. They saw the difference in class between the two and the discrimination that they would face as an interracial couple in the Deep South.

Moreover, it wasn't that Celina was African American, or that her figure was not svelte, it was that her family was more financially successful than his own.

His parents believed that he and Celina were only interested in each other because of some forbidden taboo of dating someone outside of their own race.

They believed that Celina wanted the country, working class white boy, and he wanted the well to do, black girl from the city. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Their love had been exacerbated by several outsiders who had no right to butt into their lives.

"My parents have never disliked you Celina, they just never believed that we could find love with and in each other at such a young age. You have to realize that my family is not quite like yours.

"They thought that we were both passing fancies to each other, that our love was a momentary bout of puppy love."

Celina extracted herself completely from Jake, briefly rendered silent by his confession. What was wrong with him?

Hadn't his parents been proven correct? They hadn't been together for years. They had hated each other for just as long. Why was he suddenly acting as if they could just pick up from where the left off?

"Why are you telling me all this now Jake? This conversation is too little too late."

Jake chuckled, gently yanking on a stray tuft of curly hair. He smirked when she grimaced, upset that he would resort to such a childish trick to divert her attention from their serious conversation. Apparently some bad habits transferred over into adulthood.

"Kid, if there is one thing that I have learned from you, it's that it is never too late to start over and begin again."

His use of her old nickname touched her heart, but the moment was gone as quickly as it came. She too wanted to make peace, to get over the pain, but when she needed him the most he had been enraged. They were both so devastated by Nathan's death that it led to their eventual estrangement.

"I don't want to continue to have an antagonistic relationship with my son's mother. Whether we like it or not, we will always be connected to each other."

Celina nodded, agreeing with Jake's thoughtful assessment. She honestly did not want to think negatively about Jake or to speak ill of him. They were both too old to resort to childish remarks when there was so much left unspoken between them.

"Yes, I agree with you completely on that point. I know that I am not a completely innocent party. Back then, I should have given you the chance to explain yourself and to apologize. We should have trusted each other and I realize that believing in Drew was a fatal mistake."

He nodded silently in agreement. Trusting Drew had been a mistake on both their parts and it was the catalyst for the events that led up to Nathan's death.

However, if they were going to have a frank and open discussion, it was best to do it in a private place. The parking lot wasn't the seediest that he'd ever seen, but he didn't want to remain in the truck for too much longer.

"Celina let's continue this conversation upstairs in our room."

They grabbed her bags and quickly returned to the motel room. Jake boiled a pot of coffee, not missing the queasy look on Celina's face. She never did like coffee. She thought that the bitterness of the drink was foul. He handed her a bottle of water, and reclined quietly on the bed.

Patting the spot next to him, he gestured for her to join him on the bed. Previously in such a situation, Celina would have thrown a pillow at him and walked off in a huff.

Yet now, after the revelations of this evening, she didn't see the harm anymore. Smiling when she complied, Jake couldn't help but throw in a playful dig.

"You always did have a tendency to fall into my bed."

She snorted, but rolled on her side to face him. She never thought that she would be at a point in which they could speak this freely to each other again. This conversation had been heart wrenching, but there was something freeing about finally getting her thoughts out in the open.

"Well you did once tell me that I belonged right here, in your arms."

As soon as they were out of her mouth Celina regretted her words. Averting her eyes, Celina felt embarrassed. She didn't mean to awkwardly drudge of their former love.

She had been enjoying the tender camaraderie that Jake tentatively provided. Being so close to him, Celina could still recall the feel of his skin against hers, as his hands ran along the valley of her breasts, his legs holding her in place.

Lying on the bed with him was just as relaxing as she remembered it to be. Simply talking in hushed tones proved to be cathartic and it reminded her of happier times that they once shared.

"Truer words were never spoken."

He growled. He scooted closer to her, so that there was less than an inch of space between them. Celina licked her lips nervously, causing Jake to instinctively follow her movement. He moved in closer to steal a gentle light kiss.

"You still taste as sweet as candy."

Celina backed away, moving so far that she nearly fell off the bed. Jake forcibly dragged her body against his own, enjoying the moan that escaped from her mouth.

"Let's not do this Jake. Let me go."

Pouring all of his feeling into another kiss, Jake silenced her protests, yearning for her touch once more. They broke apart as the need for oxygen overcame them all too quickly.

"Why did you kiss me Jake? Aren't you seeing Melinda Banes?"

Jake rolled his eyes amused where he would once be upset by Celina's ability to stop a sensual moment in its tracks. Inhaling her sweet scent forced his olfactory nerves into overdrive. She smelled divine and her warm, plush, pliable body was delectable.

"Melinda is a friend with benefits. We have fun, but we are not dating."

Celina didn't know what was funnier—Jake's cluelessness about the woman who wanted him to marry her, or the fact that he thought women didn't take sex seriously.

"She doesn't see view your relationship that way. If you will recall I could overhear her accusing you of sleeping with me."

"First of all, I am a grown man. I can be intimate with whomever I desire. I don't need Melinda's or anyone else's permission to do anything. Besides, I know you want me as much as I want you."

She sat up then, moving to sit opposite from him on the other bed. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, unsure of how to broach what was on her mind. Suddenly Celina found the hem of her skirt more interesting than the young man in front of her.

"I know that you probably pity me because I am the mother of your son and I haven't slept with anyone else since we were together. I don't need your pity, Jake. I am not that hard up!"

Sometimes Jake couldn't believe the things that came from Celina's mouth. He thought that they had made real progress tonight and could possibly work towards being friends, if nothing else.

"Celina, I don't want there to be any more misunderstandings between us, so you need to know that no matter how much I love Nathan, you're something entirely different."

"I know."

That didn't make the admission hurt any less. She had always suspected that he only really cared even a bit about her now because she had birthed his son. His confession merely affirmed this fact.

"And I am in love with you."