Of Truth and Trust

Just a quick couple of notes. This fic was written as a one-on-one RP (role-play), so the focus of the POV changes for the characters being played. My cowriter and I based this off of the famous manga \"Kaze to Ki no Uta,\" though you don\'t need to knoe ste story to follow this one.

// =thoughts
* =emphasis

Thanks for reading--I hope you enjoy.


----------------------------------------------------
Of Truth and Trust
Chapter 9

Sebastian smiled slightly as he leaned in for another few kisses. “That’s right,” he whispered, continuing his massage. He ran his other hand through Nathanial’s hair to disturb its careful arrangement. “You’re so lovely like this.” When he bent in again he teased the boy’s lips with the very tip of his tongue. “Won’t you kiss me back? Don’t you want to…?”

Nathanial felt his legs weakening, and his eyes fell closed once more. //Dear God please help me, but…I do. I…I want to do something….// He took a deep breath, but it did little to calm him, and he let it out in a trembling sigh. //Damnit, Sebastian…. Damn myself, for letting you do this.// His fingers tightened abruptly and lightly tugged the other close, barely tilting his chin to meet soft lips.

Very much pleased, Sebastian moaned softly between them. //Yes, that’s it. You feel it, too.// He pressed closer still, rubbing them together. //The excitement, even the danger. Maybe now you’ll understand a little more….// He deepened the kiss, using his tongue to urge Nathanial’s lips apart. //Let me in, just a little more.//

It had gone this far already…and he was too weak to resist the other much more. Nathanial whimpered as he let his lips part, though at the same time his knees began to buckle. He reached up over his head and caught the curtain with his free hand. //I…I’m falling…. Sebastian….//

Sebastian caught him fast enough—he used the weight of his own body to keep him pressed up against the wallidiliding an arm around the small of his back for added support. //So beautiful….// He wouldn’t let their mouths separated until they were both gasping, and even then quickly returned. Nathanial was sweet and trembling, and it was enough to make even an experienced lover like him loose a little of his characteristic restraint. //Kiss me—touch me. Make me shiver like you do.//

The arm trapped between them began to cramp, and Nathanial found the only place for it to go was over Sebastian’s shoulder. Once there it acted on its own, pulling the other boy closer to keep himself upright. He pulled his head back a moment to get some air. “‘Bastain….” His glasses were slipping to the side and off his nose. //He…God, he looks….// He licked his lips faintly, finding a taste that shouldn’t have been there.

Sebastian chuckled as he carefully removed the glasses and tossed them lightly onto his bed. “Yes, Nathanial?” He didn’t wait for an answer; already he was kissing him again, nibbling at his neck and ear. His free hand began to trace idle circles against Nathanial’s hip. //This can’t last much longer—I want him so badly already, and sooner or later he’ll realize that for himself.// He grinned subtly at the thought. //Can you feel me, Nathan?// He pressed his hips forward. //You do this to me.//

Nathanial’s eyes went wide. //Sebastian….// His arm unintentionally tightened, back arching faintly. //We…we can’t. This can’t keep going or….// Everything was already tense, his hips shifting against the other’s. The hand around the curtain slowly let go, slipping down to press his fingers against Sebastian’s mouth, pausing him. //I’ve never felt quite like this—I feel so…tense…anxious…but we can’t….// He whimpered quietly as his hips moved again. //We…can’t….//

Sebas’s e’s eyes fluttered open as he stilled, meeting and holding his roommate in an intense gaze. He was smiling faintly beneath thin fingers. //Have you had enough? I thought this would be your limit, for now.// Without a word he reached back, loosening Nathanial’s arm from his shoulders so he could take a step back. Nathanial’s eyes, however, were still his.

//Se…?// His arms dropped to his sides like weights, eyes widening slightly. Something cold was settling in him, now that the other had backed away, and he pressed back into the wall. That smile was boring into him…tearing him…. The triumph in that expression….

Sebastian watched the expressions playing across his roommate’s face; the confusion, excitement, fear—he knew them all so well. He lifted a single hand to brush a few strands of soft brown hair into place. “Nathan,” he coaxed. “Are you all right?”

Nathanial flinched at the touch, drawing away. //Another…another test. He…can’t be still playing, ca? T? This is all still a game….// He looked away. “I’m fine,” he whispered, struggling to figure out what exactly had happened.

Sebastian tried to coax his attention back. “Nathan, don’t be afraid. I’m not trying to hurt you—you know that.” He placed both hands on the boy’s face, forcing him to meet his gaze. “It feels good, doesn’t it? It’s supposed to be fun. That’s why I do all this—I like it, and I’m not ashamed of that. I don’t want you to be ashamed, either.”

“It’s something that must be kept hidden,” he pointed out softly, watching his roommate closely. “Something to lie about. Does that not make it shameful?” //Because you know that, outside of this school, you will have to appear as a…normal man. And if this is truly what I am…then I must hide as well.// His hands rose again to gently hold the other’s wrists.

“Do I look like I’m lying and hiding?” Sebastian countered softly. “We must be careful, yas aas all men guard what they deem precious to them.” He kissed Nathanial briefly on the lips. “We were made of a different sort, that’s all. And I would rather live all my life openly, and be dashed to pieces in the end, than to regret every love I ever made. To hate myself like some in this school still do.” And though he wasn’t sure if he believed the words himself, for Nathanial’s benefit he added, “Would God have made us this way if he meant for us to suffer by it?”

Nathanial closed his eyes, and for a moment he released the other with one hand, setting it briefly on the small object beneath his shirt. “God did not make us to suffer,” he whispered, turning his nose into Sebastian’s palm. //Dashed to pieces…than to have not known….// Something trembled within him, threatening to bring tears to his eyes.

Sebastian smiled quietl he he leaned ice mce more, pressing their foreheads together. “You know, now,” he said, very softly. “And I won’t ask anything more of you. Just…live, Nathan, any way you can. Live happily, and never be ashamed. All right?” Another simple kiss. “Even if it’s not me you want.”

He nodded slowly, fingers curling to keep the other close. //Do not go….// Nathanial met the other’s eyes. //You have brought me this far, but I’m…not ready. Not by myself….// He tried to straighten, to get his lbenebeneath him once more without increasing the distance between them. “I understand,”murmmurmured, shivering slightly. //Do not leave me yet.//

“Good. I’m glad.” Sebastian waited patiently until it seemed that his roommate had gainis bis balance once more before touching their lips, coaxing him back into that familiar contact. “Tell me, Nate, if you want me to stop.” His hands slid down Nathanial’s body to his hips, in case he lost his stability again. //You are indeed beautiful, and as strong as I’d hoped.//

Nathanial shook his head faintly, not speaking. //You read my mind easily enough, and it is too difficult to yet speak these…urges.// When Sebastian’s lips touched his again, his eyelids fluttered and drooped. He shifted faintly within the hold of the other’s hands and hummed softly at the tiny thrill it gave him. His stomach was beginning to twist again, though now he better understood the sensation and did not try to fight it, setting his hands on the boy’s shoulders.

//Yes—yes, that’s it. Hold me.// Sebastian slid closer, pressing his companion more firmly into the wall with his chest and hips. Nathanial’s body felt so delicate; he loved the gentle curves and young muscle against him, and he arched his back, catlike, to scrape them together. “Kiss me,” he whispered between their mouths. He encouraged him with subtle movements of his tongue, and moaned deeply when Nathanial did his best to respond.

He shivered, enjoying the way Sebastian’s voice vibrated through him. He allowed his lips to be parted further, welcoming him deeper. It was plain that he was painfully inexperienced, making his movements slow and hesitant as his arms circled the other’s neck. //It does feel good….// A slow smile curled his lips, and his arms tightened. //Don’t stop.//

Sebastian rewarded all of his partner’s meek responses with deeper kisses and murmurs. He sucked gently on his lips, massaged his hips and back, but soon enough he was ac and and needing more. “Follow me,” he mumbled, taking a step back and urging him along with ghost-like kisses.

Nathanial obediently followed him, leaving his eyes shut until he felt the edge of the bed against his calves. He finally came up for air, gasping between them and staringo tho the other’s deep, green eyes. “Sebastian….” //I…am not really about to do this, am I?// He blinked and tried to catch his breath. //He won’t hurt me,// he reminded himself, still watching him. //And…I want to know. I want to know for sure.// Nathanial touched their lips softly, then gradually lowered himself to sit on the bed.

Sebastian smiled with approval. “Do you remember?” he asked as he urged Nathanial to lie down. Ever so slowly he pressed the boy’s back into the mattress, hovering over him. “How you found us that one day? Did you wonder what it might have felt like?” He settled himself over Nathanial’s hips with a quiet groan. “Yes, just like this….”

He whimpered softly as his back arched, unconsciously pushing against the warm weight. “I remember…” he murmured in return, now staring up at the other. “But I only thought…of what you looked like….” His eyes slowly closed as he shifted beneath Sebastian. //He’s so light…. Come closer.// His hands pawed faintly at the boy’s chest.

“I’m flattered,” he laughed. Sebastian bent down obediently to grant the silently requested kiss, grinning at the way the movement shifted their bodies against each other. He could feel his own heart beginning to race expectantly. “And? What *did* I look like?”

“Mmm….” His hands curled around thin shoulders and pulled him back into another kiss. He could easily see the curve of Sebastian’s spine, the way his hips pressed the older boy down into the mattress. Nathanial made a soft moan as Sebastian moved against him again. “…Beautiful…” he finally answered, smiling to himself. //I have never called another person beautiful before, but…that’s what he was, right then.// He opened his eyes. //Right…now….//

Sebastian laughed again. “Thank you.” In return he began to rock his hips forward in a slow, steady motion. “If you really think so,” he breathed, tightening his thighs, “I should have invited you to watch the rest. When I was inside him, moviike ike this.”

Nathanial made a soft cry even as his cheeks flushed darkly. //I…can’t even think about it. I don’t think I could…handle that….// To make up for his embarrassment, he took the other’s neck in a gentle hold, pulling him down for a deep, slow kiss—it made his heart pound, thick and warm, behind his ribs. //Don’t talk about him now—I don’t want to be reminded of…how often you’ve done this.//

//Absolutely charming.// Enjoying himseore ore than he had in a while, Sebastian continued to move against him, gradually adding strength to his thrusts. Nathanial was kissing him in earnest now, and that more than anything tightened his flesh and quickened his pulse. //I want him, but…not yet. This should be enough for him, for now.// He groaned, deep and loud, against Nathanial’s throat, as if coaxing him to do the same.

Breath catching a moment, startled by the sudden rising of the other’s voice, Nathanial let out a low moan and clutched the other close. //Sebastian…how can you do this to me so easily…?/ His right leg abruptly bent, pushing up against his roommate’s anxious hips.

This time Sebastian’s voice was less deliberate as he moaned, pressing down on him. //You’re doing much better than even I imagined, Nathan.// Taking that as a sort of cue he distracted Nathanial with a kiss long enough to change their positions; he slid instead between the boy’s thighs and arched into him once more. //Want me. Beg for me.//

Nathanial groaned, back curling. “Oh God…’Bastian—” Both knees bent unconsciously, holding the other’s hips tightly. His fingers ran back through Sebastian’s thick, wild hair, moving over his scalp and searching for another kiss. “Don’t—”

“Nathan…how sweet you sound.” He dug his knees and palms into the mattress, giving him the leverage he needed to pump harder and faster against the smaller body. //Let’s see how long you last.// His lips pressed to Nathanial’s curved throat, so that his mouth would be free to speak again.

The harsh friction of his school clothes finally brought a sharp, sudden heat that coursed up and down his spine. His voice erupted in a strained groan as he clutched the other boy to him. //Oh God, oh God…I never knew it could….// He shuddered as his hips continued to shift, slowing as his energy quickly left him. “Se…bastian….” All at once he pulled the other boy to his lips again, holding him close and firm.

Sebastian allowed him to control the kiss, his own movements slowing to a halt. //I’m still so wound up…but oh well.// Once Nathanial released his lips he relaxed, stretching out for a moment across his chest. He kept quiet. //I want him to be the first one to say anything.//

Nathanial slowly came back to himself, drawn by the soft glow of emerald eyes. He lay still, content to regain his breath and take in the other’s flushed face. After a moment he realized that Sebastian…hadn’t…. He blushed. “What about you?” he asked in a whisper, trailing a hand over the boy’s chest. //It hardly seems fair that I…but he….//

“Don’t worry about me,” he chuckled, passing his fingers through Nathanial’s hair. “This was for you.” And before he could think too deeply on the matter Sebastian began to withdraw. “And speaking of which, you might want to get tidied up a bit.”

Blushing, he nodded and waited for the other to get up. He felt a bit bad, knowing that Sebastian hadn’t experienced the same…release. Moving to the wardrobe, he slowly began to peel off his vest and shirt. “Sebastian…are you sure?” he asked without turning, rotating his shoulders to get the sweat-dampened t oft off.

Sebastian turned to glance curiously over his shoulder. “Why?” he asked with an almost wicked smile. “Did you have something in mind?”

//Can my face get any darker?// “No, but….” His fingers curled in his nightshirt, feeling the air cooling his skin. //I don’t know such things—you know that. I just….// He shook his head and tugged the thick fabric on before reaching to undo his pants.

Sebastian laughed warmly as he approached the wardrobe, plucking his bathrobe off the inside of the door. “Don’t worry about it,” he assured, ruffling Natal’sal’s hair affectionately. “You don’t finish every time, after all. I’m just going to slip down to the bath for a bit.”

Nathanial sighed but nodded. “All right then.” //I…like his laugh—his real laugh, anyway. When he honestly seems to be enjoying himself.// A faint smile curled his lips as he smoothed his hair bacce mce more. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll be asleep by the time you get back.”

“That’s fine; you could use the rest.” He darted in to steal one last kiss before making his retreat towards the door. “Sweet dreams, Nathan.” With a wink he slipped outside and closed the door behind him.

//Nathan…how sweet you are.// He wore a smile all the way down to the baths. //This break may be worthwhile after all.//

--------------------------------------------------------

Three days later a snowstorm swept in, covering everything with a thick blanket of white. Nathanial found himseltsidtside, dressed in layers and a heavy coat, smiling as the last few flakes brushed his cheeks. He was thinking about Sebastian, about the occasional kisses and fleeting touches that the other had been teasing him with the past few days. Somehow, with no classes and a dorm almost completely to themselves, ethinthing felt so different, like a world separate from reality where it was safe to speak the truth. He even felt, if the occasion arose, that he could bear to show his roommate his tears.

But for now he was on his own while Sebastian wrote to his family, strolling over the grounds with muffled footsteps.

When Sebastian had finished with his personal letters he was quick to go in search of his roommate. //My Nathanial. I hope…I don’t seduce him too deeply,// he thought with wry amusement as he donned his winter gear and set out into the courtyard. //I can see myself becoming quite attached to him.// He was still laughing when he spotted Nathanial across the path, and he quickly hushemselmself so he could sneak up behind him.

“Nate!” He pounced, grabbing Nathanial around the waist; a turn of his body was enough to send them both tumbling into a large, nearby snow bank.

Nathanial yelped as they fell, but began to laugh at the feel of warm breath against his ear. “There you are,” he chuckled, trying to peer over his shoulder at his roommate. For barebarest moment he feared that they might be seen, but he let it pass quickly. There was nothing to fear, here, wrapped in cold snow and strong arms. “Did you finish you letters?”

“Indeed,” Sebastian chuckled, wriggling against him. “It was a little too quiet for me up there.” He leaned back just enough to urge the boy to turn over. “But then, it may be too cold for me out here. Such a dilemma.”

Smiling, Nathanial wiggled closer, touching his cold nose softly to the other’s cheek. “Quiet or cold…I can see how that would be a problem.” His gloved hands played with Sebastian’s scarf. “What is an even bigger dilemma is what *I* am to do with you.” //Do I ask for a kiss…or do I try to escape? I’ve never gotten away before, but it would be interesting to see if it might work this time.// He continued to nuzzle lightly at his roommate’s cheek and jaw.

Sebastian grinned at the boy’s affection. “Whatever you like,” he replied teasingly. “I trust you—you’ve been adorably open lately.” He wasn’t used to these kinds of simple touches, but they seemed to calm him somehow, especially when Nathanial was the one offering.

Nathanial sighed quietly and closed his eyes. “It is your own fault,” he pointed out, gently pulling the other down so they could lie close together. “You are the one that swooped down upon me like some starved dog.” He chuckled softly and pressed a kiss to Sebastian’s temple. “And you you have pounced on me again.” One hand slipped up to the back of the other’s head, playing lightly with thick hair.

“And you were waiting for me to gobble you whole,” he shot back playfully, shifting atop him some more. He paused, however, when he saw the soft serenity in his companion’s face. “Hey.” He nuzzled Nathanial’s jaw with his nose. “You’d better not fall for me.”

Nathanial sobered. Then he pulled back his quiet smile. //Such touching concern, though…he is right. I…cannot afford such a thing, no matter what we may do or how wonderful it feels.// He touched their lips together—not a kiss, just a brushing of cool skin and warm breath. //Things will change when the holidays are over. I…must make sure of that.// “You should not be worrying about such things. This is just fun, right?”

//I hope you believe that as much as you sound like you do.// Sebastian smiled and playfully licked the boy’s lips. “Yes, it is. I’m certainly enjoying myself.” He spread a few whispered kisses over Nathanial’s face. “And there is still much more fun to be had. I haven’t given you a taste yet of what you can feel.”

Nathanial couldn’t help a faint shiver, both at the touch and the words. //He has been right about me—the whole time. Can I…really deny this at all anymore?He lHe leaned up for a more substantial kiss. “Why do you always speak of this in one direction?” he asked, wiggling closer even though it was impossible with their thick coats. “Things you will show me; is there no way that we might…both feel…?” He could feel his cheeks warming again, surprised by his own bravery.

Sebastian laughed. “No need to worry—when you at last allow me to take you into my bed, that will be all I need. Until then….” He joined them in a deep, passionate kiss that left even him breathless. “…I am quite satisfied simply feeling you tremble, and enjoying that rosy color in your cheeks.”

“I fear that such color must be spreading thr all all my face,” he replied thickly. “Your woare are too crass.” //But they make me shiver more.// Nathanial arched his back, pressing them together. //I like it.//

“I only speak truth,” he replied in kind. “And you would have no different.” He offered another kiss, just as long, sucking lightly on Nathanial’s tongue. “And speaking of which, it is quite cold out here. Are you all right?”

He chuckled. “It is difficult to tell, as both you and the cold have the same effect of making me shiver….” //Especially when he…kisses me like that.// Nathanial smiled and rubbed their noses together. “Had you a better location in mind?” he asked softly.

“Would it be too forward of me to suggest a bed of some sorts?” Sebastian bit at him lightly, just teasing, and arched his hips slightly. “I can’t guarantee you’ll stop shaking, but at least then we’ll both be a bit warmer.”

Nathanial met the movement happily. “You usually bring us there anyway,” he pointed out, knowing how scandalous that sounded, but knowing that Sebastian understood his meaning easily enough. He began to urge the other off so they could both stand.

With a laugh Sebastian pulled them both to their feet. He darted in for a kiss before starting back towards the dorms. As the grounds were empty—and he wasn’t concerned about them being seen anyway—he had no qualms in circling Nathanial’s arm along the way. “You’ve be pre pretty bold,” he noted approvingly. “I think it suits you well.” //It means you’re beginning to understand at last.//

“It is not so much boldness,” he answered, eyes darting around—he wasn’t quite so confident in their not being seen. “I suppose…I am accepting myself, what I like. Besides,” he continued with a brighter smile. “If I did not, you would only lecture and tre mre me until I did, right?”

“That may be true,” he confessed with amusement. As they approached the dorm, however, they were stopped by a familiar figure. “Ah, Walter,” Sebastian greeted. He couldn’t help a slight curl of his lips. “It’s good to see you.”

“Sebastian.” Walter glanced between the pair curiously. “Sorry to interrupt, but I’ve been looking for you.” As if it were the most casual action in the world he slid up beside the boy and set his arm over his shoulders. “To extend an invitation.”

-----------------------------------------