Carnival without Lights

Jesse didn’t feel guilty when he opened the door and stepped into the apartment. It wasn’t because he didn’t regret what he’d done—(He did, but not wholly. It was difficult to understand. Perhaps, Jesse thought, he would feel a bit better if tonight had been his second date with Daniel instead of his first in however many years they’d been apart.)—it was just that Rupert wasn’t acting himself and, somehow, that made the whole scenario easier to cope with.

Instead of having to come home to Rupert’s worrying gaze and frantic questions, he came home to silence. Instead of having to lie to Rupert’s smiling, energetic face, he had permission to leave explanations behind and let the silence bleed on.

Rupert was sitting in the chair at Jesse’s desk. The laptop was on, but whatever video the man had put in had yet to be played.

“If you want to watch a movie, put it in the DVD player. Or is my TV screen not big enough for you?”

“It’s not that,” Rupert said softly, turning to face Jesse and looking at him with a blank face. Jesse felt himself cringe. Those eyes were all-knowing. Rupert knew—Jesse didn’t know how, but Rupert knew where he’d been tonight. “I found the disk lying around and thought I’d put it in. I changed my mind about watching it though.” He stood up and walked over to the couch and sat down. Jesse watched him while taking off his coat and while he made his way to the laptop to retrieve the disk and turn the machine off.

“Why change your mind? That’s not like you.” Jesse opened the disk drive without much thought and grabbed the disk without looking at it and the case he spotted on the desk.

“I didn’t want to make you mad by invading your privacy.” Rupert locked his sad-looking eyes with Jesse who looked down at the closed case in his hand and at the line drawn across the disk’s top. His heart skipped a beat. “I forgot where I found it, so I didn’t bother to try to put it back. I thought it would make me look guilty.”

“Did you watch this?” Jesse asked firmly, turning back to Rupert and glaring firmly. He held the disk within its case up by his head and held his ground, trying hard not to allow his pounding heart to work its way into his throat.

“I already told you I didn’t,” Rupert stated, his all-knowing, sad eyes closing while he sighed in disdain. “I’ve never given /you/ a reason to doubt me. I don’t like being lied to, so I don’t lie.”

“Don’t change the subject!” Jesse spat. “Why would you go through my things to find this?”

“Because you weren’t here,” Rupert replied calmly. “I didn’t know your bookshelf was off-limits to me, otherwise I would’ve left it well alone. What’s on the disk?”

“Don’t play dumb! No one does that—no one goes through another person’s things and puts in a movie that they don’t intend to watch!” Jesse let his hand fall back down to his side and kept his eyes fixed on Rupert who moved to cross his legs.

“You’re right, I /intended/ to watch it, but I /didn’t/.”

“Why?”

“Why? Because I figured it was just a school project, hardly worth my time and probably embarrassing for you. I could hear it all in my head: you coming in the house while I’m watching it, you getting embarrassed and then saying something along the lines of ‘what? Is the camera quality not good enough for you? I was in high school! I didn’t have a fancy camera!’. You’d fight with me about it—about nothing!” It was at that moment that the pain finally showed in Rupert’s face and the guilt set in.

How many fights had the two of them had like that? Fights over nothing, nothing other than Jesse’s own insecurity. How many fights had he had with Daniel? Fights about serious things like wounds, exhaustion, and money?

Rupert was a better man than Daniel, but Jesse didn’t know if he wanted to keep him.

With a sigh, Jesse let his shoulders drop and tossed the disk back onto the desk. What good was it to argue with Rupert? He’d just forget the entire ordeal by morning—or /pretend/ to forget—that’s what he always did, the coward.

“Did you eat yet?” He walked passed Rupert on the couch and into the small kitchen.

“What do you think?” Rupert replied, his words clipped uncharacteristically.

“Don’t get an attitude. I just asked you a question.” Jesse opened the refrigerator door and peered inside with uninterested eyes.

“Where were you today?” Rupert’s voice came from the doorway and Jesse straightened himself, letting the refrigerator door swing closed as his eyes met with Rupert’s tired ones. He hadn’t heard Rupert stand from the couch or walk the few paces to the kitchen, but that was where he now stood, still and dead like a statue.

“Where do you think?” Rupert didn’t answer, but let his eyes fall to the floor, showing his uncertainty and discontent. He was hoping for the best, but expecting the worst, Jesse knew. “You hungry, or not?” Jesse asked softly, keeping his eyes on Rupert’s even though the man wasn’t looking at him.

“No,” Rupert answered. He shook his head and turned to leave the doorway.

“You staying here tonight?” Jesse asked, following him back into the living room, but not sitting with him on the couch.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Rupert answered, looking over the back of the couch and regarding his lover with the wary eyes of a child. “Are we fighting?” Jesse shrugged.

“Guess not.”

“I’ll leave in the morning though,” Rupert responded, turning his head forward and looking at the silent and dark TV.

“Why?” Jesse asked halfheartedly. He received no reply. “/Why/?” He demanded more firmly.

“Why—w…I’ve got work,” Rupert choked out with difficulty.

“What were you going to say?” Jesse asked, moving to sit beside his boyfriend on the couch, but not close enough to touch him or feel the warmth of his body. There was a harshness in his tone that he hadn’t intended to use—Rupert wasn’t at fault, he reminded himself. He was the sinner here—but he could think of no way to repair the slip of tongue.

“Nothing,” Rupert answered, moving farther away from Jesse and closer to the arm of the couch. “I’m just tired.”

“Go to sleep then, it’s kind of late.” Rupert just shrugged.

Jesse was at a loss. He’d expected to come home to a worried Rupert, not an all-knowing and depressed one. Rupert hardly ever expressed heartache, so even the emotion itself was new. There was nothing he could say to make the situation any better, and Rupert didn’t seem eager to begin a discussion about the day’s events. What was he thinking about, Jesse wondered. Was he mad? Probably not. Disappointed, most likely, betrayed and sad.

“Jesse…” Rupert started, but nothing else came. Jesse watched as the man’s chest flared and collapsed unevenly, the way a man’s will when he can’t come to terms with what he wants to say. What did Rupert have to be uncertain about? Jesse thought almost bitterly. Did he still have doubts?

Perhaps.

Maybe Rupert thought that all he’d done was hide away and spend a romantic, non-physical date with some strange guy. Rupert knew him better than that. He knew. Rupert knew, and Jesse hated him for it, even thought Rupert wasn’t the one to blame.

“What?” Rupert let out a hissing breath and groaned softly, shifting his weight to lean forward on the couch with his hands clasped between his knees and his head resting on his hands. He looked like he’d been beaten. “Rupert I…” I what? Jesse didn’t know. I’m sorry? No, he was, but at the same time he wasn’t. And sorry for what? Not sorry for anything that would make Rupert feel any better.

He scooted closer to them man whose right leg began to shake the way a man’s will when he’s anxiously awaiting something bad, and placed a hand on his shoulder. The instant he made contact, all movement ceased. Even Rupert’s breathing.

Though Jesse couldn’t see it, Rupert flicked his eyes towards the coffee table and let out the breath he’d been holding slowly. He envisioned himself standing up and flipping the table to release all of his tension and storming out of the room, but found the idea pointless. Sure, it would let Jesse know that he wasn’t unfazed by his infidelity, but so would just sitting there, still and silent.

Still, Jesse’s touch felt like acid. There was affection in it, but Rupert didn’t care for it. He was angry. He was /so/ angry that he could barely even breathe. What had done to deserve something like this? From Lesley it was to be expected, but from Jesse…why? Lesley had been left alone too much because Rupert’s career had been booming while they’d been together, but now it had slowed down and he had more than enough leisure time to give his lover the care and attention he needed…so why?

Why was it that Jesse still had to look elsewhere? He’d done everything that had been asked of him. What did they lack that Jesse had to go elsewhere to find? Not love, not attention, not money, not gifts, not affection, not sex…nothing! Rupert gave him everything! Everything!...and he was still betrayed.

“I’m going to bed,” Rupert stated suddenly. He got to his feet hastily, allowing Jesse’s hand to fall onto the couch and let the thought of flipping the coffee table to relieve his rage trickle into his mind again. He suppressed the urge and meandered into the bedroom, leaving the door open and shedding only his shoes, jacket, and tie before lying down. He left the tie on the nightstand, the shoes beside the bed, and the jacket on the floor. Usually, he’d treat the garment with some respect—the damn thing was expensive—but tonight he didn’t care.

Let that be the signal of his madness since flipping the table was out of bounds.

He felt tears in his eyes, but suppressed them. He hadn’t allowed himself to cry before when he’d realized and accepted that Jesse was gone, out with another man for the day, possibly the night, possibly the week, probably forever…He hadn’t cried then, and he couldn’t cry now. Not with Jesse in the next room ready to pounce on whatever weakness he could find in his partner to blame for his own affair.

He could see it all in his mind. Jesse thinking up something smart to say, storming into the room, flipping on the light, seeing Rupert’s crumpled jacket and calling its display an immature temper-tantrum and then using Rupert’s tears as an excuse to call him a weak mate. “This is why! You’re always so pathetic—you cry about everything! You’re never happy, and when you are it doesn’t ever last! How could anyone love something like that?” But wait…those words weren’t Jesse’s, they belonged to someone else.

Those words belonged to Lesley…

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Rupert woke with Jesse’s body over top of him and with the man’s lips being passionately smashed against his own. It was a wonderful way to wake up once he recognized the face of the man above him. Before he really thought about it, he began kissing back, reaching to embrace the lover he’d missed so much the day before.

That’s when he remembered /why/ he’d missed his lover so much the day before. He’d been gone, doing /this/ with another man.

Rupert groaned in discontent after turning his head away from the kiss and moved his arms from the embrace to attempt to push Jesse off. The man resisted, fighting to move Rupert’s arms out of the way while kissing his throat.

“Jesse, stop it!” Rupert fought harder, coming back to full consciousness and, with a hard shove, managed to put some space between him and his cheating assailant. “What the hell’s your problem?” He exclaimed, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed while wiping at his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt.

Jesse shushed him and grabbed Rupert’s arm away from his mouth with one hand while turning the man’s face towards him gently with the other, taking the time to gently caress the cheek beneath his fingertips. He leaned in, attempting to steal another kiss, but Rupert stood up and shoved him aside.

“Quit it!” He commanded. Jesse, unused to hearing the rage that now consumed Rupert’s voice, obeyed. Jesse stared up at him and regarded the abhorrent scowl on Rupert’s usually calm face. “I love you, but I can’t stand having you touch me right now!”

“Shh,” Jesse whispered. “I’ve got neighbors.”

“I don’t /care/ if you’ve got neighbors! Don’t do that again!” Rupert moved back farther from the bed and stooped to pick his jacket up off of the floor. Jesse rolled his eyes and got up. He took the chance to get closer while Rupert pulled on his jacket and wound his arms around the fuming man’s shoulders. He knew it wouldn’t work to the calm the rage as it used to when Rupert was mad about simple things, but it was worth a try. In the end, though, he was once again shoved away—more forcefully this time. “Stop it! Do you know what that means? It means quit doing what you’re doing! Stop!”

“I know what it means!” Jesse spat back, finding the conversation oddly familiar.

“I hope so!” Rupert said, his face suddenly looking sad and his eyes glistening with tears of either rage or pain. “You sure said it enough in that video,” he spat. Jesse faltered backwards a step, embarrassment and hurt cutting through his chest like a knife.

“You said you didn’t watch it!” He choked out.

“I lied!” Rupert shouted. “Of course I watched it!”

“You lied to me,” Jesse cried out. Rupert hissed at the hints of betrayal in his words.

“/You/ lied to /me/! You were with him, weren’t you?” Jesse looked away, biting back damning comments and tears. “Why would you go back to him after what he did to you?” Jesse heard Rupert sob through the panting breaths he was attempting to take, but he still couldn’t look at the man. “Jesse, I’ve done nothing to hurt you on purpose like /he/ did. Why would you do that?”

“He didn’t do it on purpose,” Jesse whispered, shaking slightly.

“Yes he did!” Rupert sobbed. “I’ve done everything I could to make you happy and you went off with a guy who—who…” Rupert couldn’t spit out the remainder of his sentence, so he settled for trying to read the expression on Jesse’s turned face. “Do you even love me at all?”

Jesse closed his eyes and sighed heavily.

That question again. Did he love Rupert? Yes. Very much. Did he love Daniel? Yes, but he was afraid to.

“Yes,” Jesse replied quietly, still not looking at Rupert afraid that the pain he knew was there might infect him.

“Well you have a pretty fucked up way of showing it.” Rupert shouldered past Jesse and grabbed his shoes off of the floor beside the bed before storming out of the room. Jesse didn’t move, but watched Rupert go while feeling mixed emotions. He felt betrayed and disgusted, but he also felt that he had brought it upon himself. Rupert, however, was feeling nothing other than sheer rage. He put on his shoes and remembered that the rest of the clothes he’d brought with him were sharing space with Jesse’s back in the bedroom.

With an inward growl, he slipped back into the room, brushing by Jesse without looking at him, and gathered his things. He stuffed everything into his suitcase, which had been resting by the wall, in a haphazard way, only folding the jackets he’d brought and treating them with care. The rest of the articles, the thought, could just go to hell.

He made sure he had his keys, his wallet, and his phone, and then left the room with his bag. Jesse followed him this time, only unconsciously. He watched through bleary eyes as the man unlocked the door, opened it, and then left with a slam.

There had been something he’d wanted to say, but he didn’t feel like chasing Rupert down to say it. He retreated back into the bedroom and sat down on Rupert’s side of the bed.

It had already turned cold.

He glanced at the disheveled sheets and then turned his eyes towards the nightstand. Rupert’s tie was laying on it still and Jesse’s heart skipped a beat.

He wasn’t sure that he wanted to leave Rupert for Daniel. He could always, if he felt too desperate, use the tie as an excuse to go see him and beg for forgiveness. Or perhaps Rupert would come back for it—he hadn’t left his key behind. Maybe Rupert wasn’t sure if /he/ wanted to leave Jesse.

Feeling distraught and confused, Jesse lay down on the bed and stared at the tie until the sun shined through the bedroom window and hit his eyes.

He felt as if he could have lain in bed all day, but he had work that night.