Love, Lose, Live

James and I finally make it downstairs and I see Erin cleaning up the glass in the hallway. “Stop Erin! I’ll take care of it. It’s my fault anyways.” I start to go over to her but she puts her hand up and James grabs my hand.
“I’ve got it Lucas. You go get something to eat. You haven’t eaten since early in the morning, am I right?” I nod and allow James to pull me towards the kitchen. When we make it in, he pushes me into a chair and begins to riffle through the fridge. I begin to twist my ring around my finger but only realize it when I notice my hands are shaking. I see the wings and begin to cry anew.
“I guess he really is your guardian angel now.”
“I guess so” I say with a bit of a laugh in my voice but them smile fades quickly and the tears just come faster. I pull my knees into my chest and cover my face with my hands. “I can’t believe he’s gone. It f-feels like he should walk through the door any m-minute.”
James puts his arms around me as best he can. “Shh honey. It’s going to be ok. We’ll get through this together. Shh. You’ll be ok. I’ll be here for you.” I drop my knees, grab his shirt and cling to him needing his warmth and his words. He began to pet my hair as I worked on calming down. “Erin? Erin, can you come here?” Erin walks in, comes over and begins to stroke my back.
She kisses my head and tells me “I’m here for you sweetheart. For now and always.” I look up at her and James and smile even as the tears still run down my face.
“Thank you both. It means a great deal to me.” My stomach chose that precise moment to grumble incredibly loudly.
“You boys go. Go to the living room and pick a movie, book, music, something. I’ll cook some food” Erin said still stroking my back. I nod and they move away enough to allow me to stand. James takes my hand and leads me to the living room. The hall has been cleaned but blood has stained the walls and the carpet is gone. I cringe away from the hall now void of images save the blood splatters. James quickly pulls me into the living room. The carpet is also gone from in front of the couch but no blood anywhere and I am strangely thankful.
“What do you want to do Lucas?” James looks at me. I think but just wasn’t sure.
“I don’t know. A movie I guess.”
“What type of movie?” James asks walking me over to the DVD collection.
“Not the kung-fu. I can’t handle that. Ummm… not some mushy romantic movie.”
“Casino Royale work?”
I think about the movie but remember the girl dying at the end. “No. I can’t handle that either.” James and I look at the collection for a bit trying to figure out an acceptable answer. “Uh, this may be strange and we don’t have to watch it if you don’t want to, it’ll be fine…”
“Tell me what you want to watch Lucas.”
“The Prince of Egypt.” I say in a small voice.
“Not what I would have expected but it’s cool.”
“We don’t have to. I know you don’t like animated movies.”
James puts his hand under my chin, forcing me to look at him. “It’s just fine Lucas. You’ll just owe me later” he says with a smile. I smile back at him. “Go sit on the couch and I’ll get things started.”
I sit on the couch and out of habit pull the blanket off the back to pull it around myself. I look down at Brian’s gift to me and actually feel comfort this time. It feels like his arms around me keeping me warm. I smile even as the tears well up but it’s happier this time. I’ve come to realize even just a little that Brian is still around. I’m not fixed because a shatter takes a long time to fix but a few of my pieces have been put together. James sits down on the couch and I lay my head down in his lap feeling comfort from the blanket and the hand that is petting my hair again. The movie begins and I smile at myself. I used to play this movie whenever I was sad and needed to feel like something else was out there making things better. I never believed it completely but it helped. Plus Brian would know something was wrong and come comfort me just as James and Erin are now.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thirty minutes into the movie, Erin brings in plates of spaghetti and garlic bread. I had forgotten that I had told her that this was one of my favorite meals. “Thank you Erin.”
“You’re very welcome sweetheart.” It was in that moment that I realized everyone was avoiding calling me “baby” because that was what Brian always called me.
“You can use ‘baby.’ It’s ok. It would feel strange to not be called ‘baby’ anymore” I tell Erin.
“Ok darling. I’ll remember that” she says smiling. We sit down in front of the T.V. and continue the movie. When we were all done, I went to get up and take the plates. Erin jumped up and tried to sit me back down.
“I said to call me baby. That does not mean to baby me.” I look at Erin and she sits back down. “You don’t have to pause the movie. I know it by heart.” I take their dishes and go wash them in the kitchen. Washing dishes always gave me a strange sense of calm. When finished I go back to the living room, curl in my blanket and lay again on James’ lap. He starts to stroke my back and neck and the comfort of his touch soon causes me to drift off to sleep.