What We Didn't Do

Corey...I just knew the fucker was goin to try and stir up trouble.

I had kicked him in the nuts after all.

HA!

Alex looked at me and then his shoes. Scuffed his foot on the ground.

"I guess I'd better leave you."

Thoughts ran through my head. Had to think quick, had to figure something out.

Click! Got it.

"No, don't. Come upstairs with me."

"Really?"

I took his hand. It was sweaty, "Alex...this isn't really about you, it's about me and him and if there's one thing that's gunna piss off that fucker more than anything is being denied something he wants."

I pushed my lips onto Alex's own briefly, exchanging the taste of cigarette smoke.

"Ok," he whispered.

Evil grin time.

We practically ran up the stairs, my hand still holding his.

Got to the door and made a note to myself - I could handle Jeannie's bitching about locking the door. I couldn't handle Corey just wandering in and settling himself down.

I didn't think for a minute, and nipped the bottom of Alex's ear before walking through the door.

The feeling in my fingers went somewhere other than the tips of my fingers; Alex was gripping my hand with all the force he could manage.

Anybody would think the devil was behind the door.

Well...

"Hey Corey," I said casually as I opened up, Alex still gripping me.

"Rafe I - " The blond-haired motherfucker just had to look beautiful, didn't he?

He'd seen Alex and his face dropped. But that viper mind kicked back into action pretty quick.

"Corey, is there something I can help you with?"

"Sure, can I talk t'you a second?"

"Ok."

I made sure I stayed put, Alex attached to me. Bambi eyes stared at him.

I could give as good as I got.

Innocence looked good on me.

"Alone?"

"I don't see why we need to be alone," I took out a cigarette, "After all...we all know each other, don't we?"

Ooooo, I love the look of defeat.

Shame it never lasts long.

"Just for a minute, Rafe."

I sighed emphatically, before casually placing a hand on Alex's ass, "Go wait in the bedroom, sweetie."

He nodded and left. His eyes never looked up. I hoped he wouldn't cry.

Door shut.

Corey looked me dead in the eyes.

Lit up the cigarette and puffed out harsh smoke, "What d'you want, Corey?"

"Oh Rafe, don't be like that," Sugar...thick, brown sugar. "Look, I don't know what your deal is with this guy, but I want you to know that I forgive you for last night. I'm not sure why I deserved that, but its ok."

Snorting is not my most attractive quality.

"What, y'mean apart from coming on to me and then insulting Alex in front of everyone. Nah, can't think why I'd kick you to shit."

"He told you that?"

The Oscar goes to...

"Don't fuck with me."

"No, don't fuck with me, Rafe," Dramatic sigh. "Look, I'm sorry about coming on to you, I know it wasn't exactly subtle of me but...I miss you."

You know those horror films when stuff gets ripped out of the victim by the scary bad guy? Yeah, my stomach was somewhere in the claws of a freak.

"Like hell," I managed to croak. Not having a stomach made talking difficult.

"Rafe, don't be like that. I know I've been a shit to you over the years but...you know I miss you when you're gone, you know I do. I don't lie when I say I love you."

He was standing right in front of me, blond curls flopping in front of those blue eyes. I exhaled heavily.

"The last time you told me you loved me was just before I came home and found you getting sucked off on the sofa. You never meant it."

"Rafe, please. You know me! I just can't help myself."

"You fuck me when it suits you, Corey. I'm not sticking around for that anymore."

"But Rafe, please - "

"No, no more. I'm not gunna be your toy anymore. Go find someone else to fuck with."

Genuine shock. He stepped back. Then, his face flushed with anger.

"Y'know Rafe, I don't use you as much as you make out to the world. How many times have you called me in the middle of the night begging for it? How many times have you just showed up at my place to get a quick fuck because you're desperate? You're a toy? How bout me you hypocrit! If you were nothing more than a fuck when I needed it I would never have let you come to me at three in the morning, your dick bustin' its seams."

He walked away, "Call me when you're desperate, Calahan. Surely you still remember my number. You've dialled it enough."

The door closed behind me.

There was a draft somewhere, there had to be. How could I feel so cold?

I stubbed out the cigarette I had barely smoked and hugged myself.

So what if I'd called him a few times? It didn't mean he was right.

I could taste blood. Bitten down so hard on the inside of my cheek, coppery blood had seeped onto my tongue.

It didn't mean he was right...

"Rafe, you ok?"

"Yeah."

"He's a liar, Rafe. He's a liar," Hot fingers lifted my chin. "He's a manipulating liar. He's using you, so don't you dare listen to a word he said."

I nodded weakly.

"Come here."

He hugged me. Fingers gripped my back. He was really warm.

"Do you want me to stay?"

"I'll make us some lunch."

**

We didn't talk about much. Alex told me I was a good cook and just ploughed his way through the pasta I'd cooked.

I only knew how to cook pasta.

My one expert dish had been presented to him.

Repertoire...empty.

"Mm, that was good," Alex sat back in the chair and stretched.

"Thanks."

Clear the plates, run the tap, swallow the tablets.

"You got a glass of water I can have quick?"

He had his own pills.

"Sure," I took at a bottle from the fridge. "Is it still weird? I mean, I've done this for years but, you're pretty new. I've forgotten how it feels."

He shrugged, "I got a routine now. I mean, yeah, it's taken three years to sort it out but, it's getting there."

"But is it weird?"

"It will never be normal."

Silence.

True, it never was.

You'd still stare at your face in the mirror while the taps running, the bags under your eyes, the pills in your fingers.

You'd still hate yourself.

You'd still want it to end.

For it to go away.

I swallowed heavily, "It becomes you in the end. You do get used to it."

Alex didn't look convinced.

He knocked back his capsules...Atipla and Norvir, two of each. I missed the days when I took those beauties, there wasn't the risk I was gunna keel over and die any minute when I took those.

I tried to shake the thoughts out of my head.

Alex looked at me, "You sure I can't...y'know, keep you company tonight?"

No, I'm not sure. I want you to stay and hold me, tell me I'm not as much of a shit as I feel. I want you to get over your dead boyfriend and get me lost in ecstasy. I want you to stay so I can wake up in your arms and suck that big bottom lip of yours -

"It's ok. I need sleep tonight, long day tomorrow."

Why was it, the words I didn't want to say I said, but the words I really wanted to say got stuck in my head?

Fuck.

"Ok then," Alex stood. "Well I need to get back, really. My mom calls me on a saturday and she'll freak if I don't answer the phone." He laughed sweetly.

"That's ok."

"So I guess I'll see you soon? Maybe I can cook you something next time."

I smiled at him, my thoughts on his bright eyes.

"That sounds good."

"Ok," He waved his hand a little. "So drop round when you want."

"Ok."

The door closed and I was left alone.

**

The ceiling stared at me in it's blank way.

It was cold.

I was cold.

I was also alone.

Was it too much?

It was too much.

I was in my car before I realised I'd even gotten out of bed.

"Rafe? What're you doing here?" Alex yawned.

"Shit, I didn't realise the time I - "

"It's ok. What's wrong?"

"Alex I...I don't want to be alone."


*************************************

A/N: Review please!