Ghost of you

A/N: Thank you for reviewing: Yblue, womo, Rosiel, epica, madlodger and teeta :) I love reading your comments and thoughts! *hugs* I'm so glad that you liked.

Since it's our independence day; I have been enjoying a day off, and thought that this was the perfect story to write and update on this day.

Hope you like.

Betad by: Teeta
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Chapter 8.


Olavi laid on his bed, facing the wall, blanket drawn up high. Soon enough he heard steps echoing from the hall; coming closer to his door and he faked asleep. The door creaked open, opening his eyes a little he could see the light coming from behind. He knew it was her, he could feel her worry; she always worried. This time; maybe she did have a reason to do so?

He hoped that she would leave, knowing that he couldn’t face her now. He couldn’t let her find out what had happened.

The door closed softly after a gentle whisper of goodnight. He closed his eyes, few tears fell down on his cheeks, it still hurt. He trembled; what if the man would never want to see him again? And what had they done? Olavi listened, waiting until it got quiet.

He stood up carefully, feeling like he should wash himself; still dirty from the man’s cum. Walking hurt, he cursed silently, wondering if he would be able to walk better the next day, hoping that he could.

He walked quietly, outside, towards the sauna building. It was cold inside, but water in the boiler was still slightly warm, as it had been boiled earlier that night for the sauna, before the dance had started.

He undressed and started washing himself. He shivered, touched himself carefully down where it burned; moist and slippery. He took some soap and washed it all away. Still feeling slightly confused and scared about what he had done with the man. It had felt good in the end, feeling he had never before known it existed. But what would happen now? What should he do?

He closed his eyes, remembering the kisses, how good it felt to feel his body against his own. The man’s lips around his - … He blushed slightly in the darkness, a small smile on his lips. And then there had been pain, pain that he could still feel inside. Another man had been inside of him and it was…it had been… Painful, yes, but he had liked to be held so, kissed so… He knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t help but to want more.

He dried himself up, dressed his clothes back on and walked outside.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Alexander could not fall asleep, he was tossing and turning and finally gave up on trying. He stood up, dressed and decided to go out for a smoke. The night was slightly chilly, but beautiful and still. He watched the stars and the moon, remembering, regretting, mourning. His voice, his touch. The green eyes, smile on the pale lips; the sadness, the goodbye. So many things had been left unspoken.

Closing his eyes, he found himself thinking of Olavi; the blue eyes, the innocent. It felt good to hold him, taking him. He opened his eyes again.

Hearing something, he turned to look and saw the boy. Olavi stood few feet away, looking at him with insecurity. Alexander put out the cigarette and walked closer.
“Hey.” He said softly, their eyes met.
“Hey.” Olavi whispered, looking down at his shoes.
“Couldn’t fall asleep?” The man asked.
“I had to wash…” He told him, raising his gaze back up. There was an uncomfortable silence, until Alexander finally closed the distance and touched his cheek and his hair.

“Are you alright?” The blue eyes looked up to him, nodding softly.
“Um, what-“ Olavi gulped. “-What happens now?” He finally dared to ask. Alexander was quiet for a while which made him feel more nervous.
“What would you like to happen?” He asked.
“I-, I’m not sure…”
“If I hurt you, I’m sorry. I just got a little carried away with the moment, I shouldn’t have…” He started.
“No, I- … I’m not sorry and you shouldn’t be either…” The boy blushed slightly.
“You’re so young… I’m old enough to…” A finger was placed on his lips.
“I know what I feel, I know what I want and… you don’t seem that old.” He smiled and Alexander couldn’t help but to smile back as he looked at him.

Looking around carefully and seeing no one Olavi gave a light kiss on his cheek. Alexander turned his head so that their lips meet, Olavi smiled to the kiss.
“Can I sleep next to you? I would go back before the others wake.”
“Yes of course you may…” Alexander whispered.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Waking up to the first light of the sun, Olavi turned and saw Alexander lying there next to him. He smiled, watched his peaceful sleep, calm expression on his features and couldn’t help himself; he kissed the man’s cheek gently, waking him up.

Alexander opened his eyes and met with his, the boy smiled shyly and he returned the smile. The man moved his hand to touch the boy’s cheek, looking at his face more closely; observing the differences; Olavi’s nose was slightly smaller, the shape of his chin was different, his eyebrows… Small differences but differences still, differences that made him not the copy of his brother, but a person of his own. The most striking difference was the color of his eyes, though the shape was very much the same. He studied the light, small birthmarks on his skin; one on the right side of his upper lip…

“Why do you look at me so closely…” Olavi whispered.
“I’m storing your image in my mind.” He answered, smiling, letting his hand travel down his naked chest. “You are beautiful.” He whispered then. Olavi blushed.
“Am I?” He asked muttering, holding back a smile.
“Yes.”
“Women are beautiful and men…”
“Men can be too, handsome, beautiful; you are both, don’t ever question it.”
“Well, thank you… You are handsome too Alex, very much so.” Olavi whispered, looking at him, smiling.
“Thank you.” Alexander smiled back and played with the boy’s soft hair. Olavi sighed, turned to lie on his stomach and looked outside.

He turned his head then to the side and looked back at Alexander.
“This feels strange, being here, laying here naked with you, but I feel comfortable here, I wouldn’t want to leave your bed.” Alexander was silent and stroked his naked back. “But I know I must, the sun is almost up, they will wake soon… I wonder what they’d do to us if they’d found out about us.”

“Well, I doubt they’d do anything to you, but as for myself, well who knows? They might hang me or shoot me; for seducing an underage boy, taking his innocents… I’m a grown man, you are but a boy still…”
“I’m not that young, do I look so young?” Olavi asked.
“Let me see…” Alexander disappeared under the blanket making Olavi laugh quietly when he started kissing his body in a way that tickled him. “Stop…” He giggled and Alexander lifted the blanket up revealing himself. Olavi laid on his back and Alexander laid on top of him.
“You are a man, a beautiful young man.” He whispered. They looked in each other’s eyes and kissed.

“I really should go, though I wouldn’t want to leave.”
Alexander kissed his lips once more before rolling to lay on his side.
“I would like to keep you here longer, but I think it would be a death wish to do so.”
“And I wouldn’t want you to get killed so I’ll go.” One more kiss was exchanged before Olavi was able to make himself leave the room, he missed his touch already when the door close after him. This was going to be hard, no doubt about that.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**

Aino followed her brother closely when he came to breakfast that morning. She noticed the pained expression on his face when he sat down and the slight smile that appeared on his lips later, seeming to be lost in his own world somewhere. Almost as if… could it be? That look… could it mean that?
“Okay, who is that girl?” She finally asked. Olavi looked at her in surprise, almost choking to his tea.
“What girl?”
“The one who got that goofy smile on your face, the dreamy look in your eyes?” This was the exact moment when Alexander stepped in, hearing her question. Aino met with the man’s eyes and quickly he looked away helping himself with the coffee, but listening carefully.

“I uh, um…” Olavi didn’t know what he should do, how he should answer.
“Did Hanna finally manage to capture your heart?” She asked with curiosity.
“Um, there were other things on my mind, a dream I had… I uh… I saw a dream of mom and dad, Elias was in it, too and they all seemed so happy and that is what got me to smile… I think they’re happy.” He told her and didn’t even have to lie much. He had seen a dream of them.

“Good morning.” Alexander said to them as he sat down.
“Good morning.” Olavi smiled. Aino, however, didn’t even look at him and stood up, clearing her dishes from the table

“Olavi, remember that we’re leaving to the church soon. Finish your breakfast and get dressed.” Aino said and walked away from the kitchen, leaving them alone.
“Your sister doesn’t like me much, does she?” Alexander whispered quietly. Olavi stood up.
“She doesn’t know you, if she did, she couldn’t help but like you; Russian or not.” He whispered back, touched him briefly, secretly, before he had to go and get dressed in his church clothes.

**^^**^^**^^**^^**^^**

He sneaked into his room the following night and the nights after that, unable to stay away. A new kind of pleasure, a new kind of excitement, a secret. Olavi loved being held by him, feeling his closeness, telling him things.

“My Swedish stepbrother Anton and his cousins hate me, they treated me like a second class citizen; Get this, Olavi, do that.’ They called me a stupid, ignorant, Finnish orphan… They made me feel like I didn’t belong there… I think he was jealous, that his father shared his love to me and my sister.” Olavi told him, while drawing circles on the man’s chest after love making. “I’m happy to be home, though at first I felt odd coming here from Stockholm, after getting used to the city life there. My Swedish writing skill is better than my Finnish and sometimes the other boys here give me a hard time for it. They think that I’m smug for it, that I believe I’m better than them because of it. I’m not though, in my heart, I’m as much Finnish as they are, even though I’ve lived most of my live in Sweden… It’s funny in a way, I can’t seem to please anyone…”
“That’s where you’re wrong; you please me.” Alexander whispered, getting him to smile.
“I’m glad then. ”

“What about you Alex, tell me about your family; are they still alive?”
“No, my parents are dead, my mother died when I was 10, my father raised me, he was a good man, though a very busy man and I didn’t get to see him that often. He is dead now as well, killed in the war like many others.”

“Do you miss him much?”
“Who? My father?”
“No, I mean the boy you said you loved, the one who got killed?” Alexander hesitated for a while, before he answered.
“Yes, I miss him at times. He was young like you, too young to die like that.”
“How did he die?” Olavi asked looking up to see his expression. Alexander met with his eyes.
“It still feels hard to talk about it, to remember it… I-, I watched him die and I couldn’t do anything to save him…” Olavi reached out to kiss his lips and looked deep into his eyes.

“We never really lose the ones we love, they’re still here; in our hearts and in our memories. Think of the good things you shared with him, do not think of the darkness of how you lost him… And no, I do not believe he would blame you for being with me like this now. If he loved you, he would want you to move on and be happy, he would want you to live... Remember him in your heart and all I ask, is for you to make a little room there for me as well…” He whispered and kissed him again. Alexander looked at him in amazement, placed his hand on his cheek.
“You truly are not a child anymore, are you?” He whispered and Olavi smiled.
“I told you that I’m not. Yes; I might have my childish moments, but I do understand things, I know of things… I’m not that ignorant an orphan as they accused me of being… And I’m on a mission; I’m on a mission to get you to live again. I’m determined and I will not fail,“

Alexander held him even closer, smelling his hair which smelled like sweet apples.
“I think you’ve already succeeded in it, for I haven’t felt more alive in years.” He whispered then.

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Yeah, you were right madlodger; they couldn't stay away from each others for long. *grins*