Any Given Thursday

August 2000



At the age of sixteen, came the advent of stronger romantic feelings for Jacob Collier. No longer did Celina want to love Jake in a strictly wholesome manner. She wanted to experience a sexual love with him. She knew that premarital underage sex was big step, and by wanting to engage in the act of physical love she was crossing an unspoken barrier. She was entering womanhood with carnal knowledge forever ingrained in her mind. You only got one first time, and she wanted it with the young man she loved.



Of course, with that being said, she still needed to make it clear that she was not a whore of any kind. She was positive that Jake didn\'t regard her in that fashion, but she didn\'t want to be the one to broach the subject. Wasn\'t it the guy\'s responsibility to make these kinds of feelings known? If she were the one to pursue him, he might no longer think of her as the innocent girl he fell for. Perhaps her hormones were acting up and she was being dictated by her body\'s natural urges instead of her heart\'s inclinations. She knew that he desired her, but despite the fact that Celina loved Jake purely and wholeheartedly, she knew that her private thoughts would not come to be for some time.



They were only teenagers, and the deterrent that prevented her from making love with Jake was the fear of pregnancy. Keesha was already twenty two years old and sexually active. Of course her boyfriend of three years had to go through their parents\' rigorous litmus test. Needless to say, when Keesha passed that invisible magic line of age eighteen, their parents loosened up considerably. Keesha was a big girl now and would be responsible for her own actions should she not use protection. As a twenty year old sophomore, Keesha could do whatever she wanted at this point. This meant that their father\'s over protectiveness leaped from her sister to her and her brother David.



While her father genuinely liked Jake, and had even invited the boy over to family events several times during the tenure of their burgeoning relationship; he would stand for no "hanky-panky". Her mother was the same way. They could date as freely as they wanted to, but sex was invariably a no-no. Still, Celina was a young woman, and as such she wanted Jake, but she knew that if she did cross that point of no return, it could ruin their relationship. She didn\'t want to destroy what they had both worked so hard to build together, and yet she didn\'t want him to think that she didn\'t desire him either.



Making matters worse was his nightly visits into her dreams as she slumbered. Just as annoyingly clever and witty in real life, the dream Jake could be even more tempting. Why did her dreams of him have to constantly persist? The thought of him touching her sent her through a feverish state. Frowning at the perversity of her private thoughts, Celina stepped into the shower hoping that the hot water would send her back to the cold reality. She scrubbed herself furiously, as if her mind\'s thoughts had trickled down upon her skin and marred her flesh with words like \'tramp\' and \'slut\'. This was embarrassing, and what was even more embarrassing was the fact that she was acting like some horny frat boy!



The sound of wood tapping against her window alerted Celina to the male who remained permanently situated in her heart. Turning off the shower quickly, and throwing on her fluffy indigo robe, Celina slinked quietly out of the bathroom. Just as she headed for the window to find out what Jake was doing at her home in the middle of the night, she felt a familiar strong arm wrapped around her waist. The other went to cover her eyes. His muscular chest was pressed against her back, and she couldn\'t help but lick her lips. Damn him, he knew that he had an amazing affect that he had on her.



"Guess who?"



A soothing, throaty voice asked in the darkness. Celina silently cursed Jake\'s for his little game. He knew that she couldn\'t resist his voice. His voice, just like the rest of his body had undergone that transition from \'whiny brat,\' to sexy young man in an instant. She smirked, knowing that it was time for her to have a little fun. She brushed against him slightly, inwardly smirking as she heard the hitch in his breath. It seemed as if she were not the only one affected.



"Brian, what are you doing here? You know what\'ll happen if Jake catches us!"



Immediately, the hand was removed from her eyes, and the arm from her waist. She was face to face with the young man who had invaded her thoughts these last few months. In his eyes she could lose herself forever, but before that happened she was going to change clothes. Although it was night, the humid summer heat made her desire cooler clothing. She kissed him gently on the lips, moving around him to her chest of drawers.



He said nothing, but merely took a seat on her bed. She hadn\'t asked how he got into her room, because she already knew. Jake had been climbing the oak tree next to her window for so long, the poor tree was covered in footprints. He preferred the large tree to the front door because tree climbing and boys with together like baseball and hot dogs. There was no one without the other.



"Where\'ve you been kid? It\'s like you\'ve been a stranger for these past few weeks. I miss hanging with my best girl."



Celina shrugged, rummaging through her closet for socks. She didn\'t understand why insisted on giving her pet names. Most boyfriends called their girlfriends \'baby\', or \'honey\' or even sweetheart. Jake insisted on \'kid\' or \'babe\' and yes, sometimes \'dude\' as well. Taking her mind off silly monikers, Celina gathered her pajamas and headed to the bathroom.



She left the door barely ajar so as to continue to talk with him, without giving him a free show. She could hear him slinking around in her room, probably adjusting pictures, messing about with knick knacks and finally laying on the bed when nothing else had caught his fancy. Rolling her eyes, Celina picked out her natural hair, once again wishing that she had just let her sister braid it instead.



"I\'ve been working, Jake. You know that. Not all of us have the luxury of working for family members. I was lucky to get the job at the theatre as it is. The debate team, orchestra, and my math tutorials have kept me extremely busy."



Jake rolled his eyes, knowing that he was in for yet another \'this-is-why-I\'m-too-busy-to-talk-to-you\' speech. How hard was it to take a break once in a while? As much as his baby was capable of doing so much at once, she was still only one person. When Celina finally realized this, the two of them could have a lot more fun. She exited from the bathroom, flopping down on the bed next to him. He scooted closer to her, wrapping his arms protectively around her waist. He missed this—just the feel of her in his arms. He leaned in closer still, smelling her natural scent of cinnamon.



When he had first mentioned that Celina smelled of cinnamon, she had taken his compliment as an insult. She thought it was a crack against her weight, despite his detailed explanation of how he had come to liken her natural scent to one of his favorite foods. It was a fitting description considering Celina\'s, dark nut brown skin in comparison to his own pale complexion.



Aside from cinnamon she smelled of wind and rain, no doubt from her nightly jogs around her home\'s ample acreage. Hopefully, she hadn\'t caught a cold from being outside for too long. He admired her current health kick, but he loved her big or small, short or tall, and as soon as she got it through her stubborn head, the better.



"I work too Celina, but I try to make time for you. Despite school, hobbies, friends, and other crap I still make time for you. We never get to do things with one another anymore. We used to have so much time together. What happened?"



He said turning on his side to face her. She sighed, running her hands through her hair in exasperation. Biting her lip, Celina considered how to best answer Jake. She loved him wholeheartedly, but she couldn\'t deny that they were unwittingly, or was it unwillingly drifting apart. Interest in other hobbies, friends, and work had kept them from maintaining the unspoken connection which first sparked years ago.



"We\'re growing up Jake. Sometimes, that means doing different things. Learning how we fit in with each other can be time consuming."



"What are you talking about Celina?! I know where you fit in—it\'s in my arms. Here!"



Jake barked, pulling her closer so that they were spooned. She rolled her eyes at his literal description, positive that he was missing point. Jake had a sharp mind, which was made evident in his convictions. Nevertheless, her boyfriend could be naïve.



"You fit here, baby. You always have and you always will. I\'m starting to think that I am the only one in this relationship."



Celina hopped off the bed, and out of his arms. Jake grimaced at the empty feeling. How could he have said something like that? Didn\'t he know? Didn\'t he understand? She sat in her lounge chair, crossing her arms angrily. Wasn\'t she supposed to be the insecure one here, the one too afraid to leap for fear that there would be no one to catch her?



She stole a glance at him, transfixed by his green eyes. Didn\'t he see what he did to her? The golden blond hair, his Adonis like physique that was in pristine condition... It was all she could do not to ravish him then and there. They hadn\'t spoken, really spoken in weeks. Despite him being constantly in the back of her mind, she had neglected him. Why did they let things get to this point? Mustering all of her courage, Celina hoped that she wouldn\'t regret what she was about to do.



"You\'re right. I have ignored you, but it wasn\'t because I don\'t care. Believe me when I can honestly say you\'ve been running through my mind all day."



She suddenly spoke, breaking the silence that had festered between them. Walking back to the bed, she sat in his lap, her back to his chest. She leaned back into his hard body, his back warming her heart and her body all at once. Taking his hand in hers, she grasped it gently, marveling at the feel of his calloused hands in her smaller ones. His thumb rubbed her palm, and she sat quietly for a moment, savoring the feel of him.



"Listening to you speak, has opened my eyes to many things. I never knew you felt this way. You know me Jake. You know how hard it is for me to find the right words. When you pursued me, I was so scared, and unsure of that love you presented to me. It was so strong, and I thought that I couldn\'t handle that devotion. You still scare me to that extent."



His other hand encircled her waist, lightly tapping a rhythm there. He leaned his chin into the crook of her neck, holding her as if he were afraid she might disappear. He kissed her cheek gently, and the feel of his cool breath against her skin sent her body into shivers.



"You don\'t have to be afraid, Celina—never with me."



His voice rumbled in his chest, and she could feel the vibrations of it through the thin camisole she wore. Celina reached towards her chest, his right hand still firmly in her own. She rested her palm above her heart, positive that he could hear the frantic beating. She wanted him to know how fast her heart beat, probably in time with his own, if he was as nervous as she was.



"There are so many things that I want to do with you, to show you Jake, but I am afraid to tell you. It\'s embarrassing, but it is the only way that I can think of to answer the unspoken question that you have posed."



He swallowed then, nervousness beginning to take hold. Her hand moved to rest on top of his hand again, as she dragged both of their hands down to rest atop left breast. She squeezed his hand, and it in turn squeezed her breast, causing them both to gasp. She wriggled in his arms, backside brushing against his lap, causing him to whimper in pleasure.



"The first thing that entered my mind was just three words. Show. Him. How. I want to show you how deeply you affect me the only way that I know how Jacob."



She used his full first name, a sure sign of the importance of their discussion. Her voice had suddenly lost its timbre, becoming deep and seductive. She turned her head to face him, catching his mouth. Their lips hungrily did battle as they moaned in pleasure. She couldn\'t take it anymore, and she turned around fully, straddling his lap, while her arms wrapped around his neck. They broke for air, as the necessity to breathe overtook their bodies need for lustful satisfaction.



"You\'re mine. You\'ll always be mine. I don\'t like to think about losing what is mine."



Celina stated locking eyes with him, hoping that he caught the deeper meaning of her words. He had not meant to frighten her to the point that she thought he wanted out of their relationship.



"Understand?"



Her sepia hued eyes brimmed with tears. He licked them away, savoring the salty flavor.



"Yes."



Jake stated, as he pulled her atop of him, to fall on the bed. Soon their positions switched and she lay beneath him, undulating in pleasure. This was it, the culmination of the love and trust that they had in one another. As clothes were ripped off each other\'s bodies, both of their minds joined in spirit, just as their bodies would momentarily. As they gazed into one another\'s eyes, they both knew what had just been surrendered. She had given him the key to her soul, and he repeated the exchange. Could a love like this, in its purest form, last?



--



Nina Simone\'s melancholy voice rang out through the quiet, dank, hotel room. Another day gone by, another interview completed. Celina was beginning to wonder if this assignment was worth the work. It was her in conjunction with her senior thesis however, and she did dream of law school after graduation. Acing this project was paramount, even if did have to be conducted with the man of her nightmares, Jacob Collier. He had left the room several hours ago, no doubt off to court his slut of a girlfriend Melinda.



Melinda was so annoyingly typical, that it was no surprise that Jacob went after her. She didn\'t like to think of herself as self centered, but she always thought he had yet to date anyone who came comparatively close to her. She herself had dated down, convinced that after the heartbreak with Jake that there would never be another great love to waltz into her life. With thoughts like that floating in her mind, she had nothing to console herself with, accept the bottle.



Unhappiness was the mother drunkenness, the personification of sorrow made real. With a bottle of Jack Daniel\'s in one hand, and a Newport in another, Celina was the picture of self pity. She inhaled deeply, cringing as the smoke burned her throat. She knew that she had no business smoking, but Celina didn\'t have any other vices that were damaging physically. She rarely drank, and never smoked, but there was no time like the present, right?



After the recalling the angry words that she had exchanged with Jake, Celina knew that pain was a reminder that she could feel. She was not an empty shell, and if Jake thought so then he could kiss her ass. Smiling mirthlessly, her mind wandered to their previous teenage rendezvous\'.



Celina tried to make the smoke billow from her mouth, but she was thus far unsuccessful. If anything, she resembled a first time smoker failing miserably to look cool. Of course, that wasn\'t too far from the truth. This was only her second attempt at smoking. The first time, she vomited on her mother\'s sectional, earning a lashing that would go down in annals of child rearing history.



Still, by engaging in the undesirable act of smoking Celina could seek solace from painful memories. She could almost laugh aloud at the irony. Here she was, trying so desperately to escape pain that she wanted to wallow in it so deeply. She was not an empty shell. She could emote, she could feel, and she could love. In fact, she wanted to love and be loved, but somehow as she ventured into adulthood, she lost the way. When had become so jaded?



She flicked the cigarette to the side, stomping it out with her indigo slipper. At least getting drunk didn\'t require practice. Already she felt a buzz, but she continued to drink regardless of the consequences. Maybe then her mind wouldn\'t wander back to their previous argument. So what if she was a near virgin. Sex was not everything, and just because she was a youthful coed, didn\'t constitute engaging in rampant sex left and right with every man that she came across. Telling that to the peanut gallery that made up her peers was another story.



Her iPod, a lovely marvel of high tech wizardry, switched songs on its player, and soon Bob Marley\'s voice softly rang through the room. She had hooked it up to mini speakers when she showered earlier. Closing her eyes, Celina allowed the somber lyrics to wash over her. She could easily imagine herself on a tropical island, swaying gently to the music with a sexy Jamaican man by her side.



Maybe that was the problem. Having fallen in love with, and still loving the formerly awkward, gangly boy had ruined her to other men, black or white. No, the dream of being wooed by a Billy St. John deep on some Caribbean getaway was dead. Could this mystery island native set her heart a flutter with a smile? Could he ignite the heat between her legs by a simple kiss? Could he make her yearned to be caressed, held, and filled by the whispers of what was yet to come? Hell no.



Bob Marley could take his merchant ships, his bottomless pits, and redemption songs to someone who gave a damn. As if her prayers were answered, the shuffle played another Marley tune, a personal favorite of hers. Is This Love, with its jamming hook, smooth drums, and saxophone rhythm, Celina could lose herself in the song. Is this love? What other sentence could best describe the maelstrom of feelings that this man had put her through?



"Is this love - is this love - is this love - is this love that I\'m feelin\'?"



Her eyes opened suddenly and she nearly smiled at Jake\'s weak attempts with singing. But why should she offer a smile after everything that happened between them? He deserved nothing but her contempt when it was all said and done. More to the point, since when was he down with Marley? Last time she remembered, he was enamored with bands like the White Stripes and The Strokes. As if reading her thoughts, Jake shrugged. Crossing his arms, he sank into the bed gathering the materials needed for the second leg of their trip.



So far, they had interviewed over three dozen people, and were well ahead in research of their classmates/rivals in second place. They had typed their discoveries on their laptops, emailed and forwarded new information to their professor, and were well within their own personal budgets for hotels and other expenses. They proof read each other\'s work, realizing that by working in with each other, they could achieve much more than by working alone. She had read enough copies of the Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The Nation, and Huffington Post blogs to last a life time.



However, she believed that he would be best suited for her in regards to this report. He knew her political temperament like the back of his hand. Celina had been well versed in Jake\'s ideology, and that was what had initially attracted to her to him. After they were no longer enemies, and had become friends, she would marvel at every new discovery she made about him. He was so multifaceted, and she had never met any boys like that in Chicago. They could wax philosophical about the hidden meanings of Queen\'s Bohemian Rhapsody, or the mixed blessing of gangsta rap, and still have time for a quick game of kickball later.



"My former roommate was a huge fan of Marley. I know the entire Legend cd, by heart. Although Redemption Song is a classic, my favorite song is—"



"Let me guess, it\'s One Love?"



Jake smiled stiffly at her then, his eyelashes hiding his green eyes. Snatching, the bottle of Jack Daniel\'s from her hands, Jake took a large swig. The burning after taste was terrible, but at least Celina knew her liquor. He shook his head no, and stared at her for a moment. His favorite Marley song was Stir It Up. The song brought him to the past and back. He remembered the first time that he and Celina tasted alcohol at the tender age of thirteen. She had hated the taste of his father\'s brandy, and while Jake didn\'t abhor the flavor, even he could admit that the drink was an acquired taste.



He liked the song Stir It Up because he was reminded of their first truly sexual experience. The seemingly innocuous lyrics certainly fit the mood of that fateful day. While the song itself was not solely about the physical act of sex, it reminded him of how she had stirred up new feelings inside of him. As a teenager burgeoning through puberty, a hot girlfriend far more physically developed than him had definitely brought forth strange new feelings. More importantly though, was the need to stick to what was important—finishing this project unscathed.



"We don\'t have time to analyze classic Marley songs, Celina. We need to get to Hampton for the third leg of our tour. I called Dylan the other day and he and Anna are only three interviews behind us. Personally, I want to win. We need to check out of the hotel in two hours so that we have enough daylight to reach the courthouse."



She rolled her eyes at him, but gathered her folders. Her hair was a mess, and she was sure that she wouldn\'t be winning any beauty contests any time soon. Nevertheless, this assignment basically sealed the deal for her entrance into law school. As a rising senior with a 3.8 GPA, Celina would heavily benefit from a glowing review of her work by Professor Gaither. Surely, she too could appreciate the importance of punctuality.



She stretched her arms up high, enjoying the feel of blood flow. They were sedentary for far too long on this trip anyway. As she briefly flexed muscles, she couldn\'t help her chest jutting out, or her backside sticking doing the same thing. Jake\'s unabashed stares were really starting to annoy her. She would note this moment, and be sure to ogle him like a piece of meat the next time his shirt was off. Maybe then he would learn that staring was rude, and that Melinda would hardly appreciate his behavior.



As if reading her thoughts, Jake\'s smirking grin did nothing but cause her face to flush a ruddy hue. She was thankful for her dark skin at that moment. If he knew the effect his stares had on her, he would get the wrong impression. A Jake Collier that thought he was the man was last thing that she neither needed nor wanted. However, every woman enjoyed the flattery of a man\'s attentions now and then.



"Have you had your fill, Jake? I doubt Melinda would be too keen on your actions."



Jake rolled his eyes, upset that she had once again brought his girlfriend into the conversation. He never understood why she insisted on changing the course of the mood or discussion whenever things got uncomfortable for her. He had always thought her to be a rather brave person, but in this instance, Celina Thompson was a coward. Instead of facing what made her scared or displeased, she ran away from it, perhaps believing that things were better left unsaid.



Admittedly, there had been a time when she would have reason to feel justified in avoiding the 800 lb gorilla in the room. This was not that time. Looking at her, he noticed that she seemed much more somber than before. Even when they argued earlier, she wasn\'t nearly as depressed. Then again, the anniversary was coming, and he could understand her pain. He would become gloomy as well over the tragedy that befell them as teenagers.



In just two weeks they would both have to make a stop back in Bainsbridge. In a small town, nestled on the edge of a large cemetery, their son was buried. He would have been about five years old now. Yes, he really could identify with Celina\'s pain, but it was time for her to move on. No, things did not work out the way he wanted to. He had broken the heart of his soul mate, and she had crushed his. They fussed and fought and loved and laughed, but it all ended the day that he died. He never thought that he could nurse such malicious feelings against the woman who had carried his child, but damn it, he had a right to feel that way!



Celina had lied to him, on numerous occasions about several issues regarding her pregnancy. She had been relentless in her mission to punish him for doing what guys his age had done. There was nothing she could do that would ever make him forgive her. His son, his seed made flesh, had died, and she was at fault. There was no other explanation. Jake couldn\'t remember what hurt worse, recalling the night that their son was conceived or, the night that he was lost to him.



He could have easily forgiven the earthquake lies, if only she had been willing to forget his mistakes. It really was funny how the more things changed, the more they stayed the same. Celina had been his first love; a true love he thought would last for time immemorial. That was a boy\'s selfish dream, and not a man\'s reality. He didn\'t hate her, but the sorrow had grabbed a hold of his heart. It was clenched in sorrow\'s grip, unyielding.



"I think we should take the week of October 20th off."



Celina said suddenly, drawing Jake out of his reverie. She refrained from saying the anniversary of our son\'s death, but it was just the same anyway. Nathan Collier would have been five years old had he lived. In his mind, Jake could see the precocious little boy. He would have had curly hair the color of sable, eyes a tint lighter than his mother\'s brown orbs, and caramel skin darkened from summers spent in Central Georgia amid the butterflies and honeysuckle.



"Celina, we are not taking a week off. While we are ahead of Dylan and Anna in research, they can easily interview more people than we can if we skip a week of work!"



He hadn\'t meant to yell, but this spirit of dissension was weighing him down the moment that they were assigned to one another. He couldn\'t stand to return to Bainsbridge, the place of the \'incident\' so effortlessly.



"Do you honestly mean to tell me that this project is more important than remembering Nathan? Have you lost what little mind you had left?"



He ignored the barb. Celina had dished out far worse during the course of their acquaintance and would no doubt issue some zingers this evening. She had best watch her words when it came to his son however.



"Unlike you Celina, I have moved on. Nathan is gone and it is time you realized this. Yes, I know that you wish it was me who died instead, but that is not what happened. You need to stop playing the victim and accept that you had a hand in his death!"



They were screaming now, no doubt waking the occupants in surrounding rooms by the shrill sounds of caustic accusations. She stared at him, immobilized by his words. Her eyes rimmed with tears as she faced the truth of what lay in his heart. All this time, she had suspected he felt this way but never did she think that he may have actually entertained the idea. She loved Nathan more than her own life.



She had proven it when she realized that her baby was in danger, and yet she still failed to protect him. A mother had an instinct to protect her young and she had tried her best to protect Nathan and had failed miserably. She never forgave herself, but to know that Jake blamed her was simply too much. No, she couldn\'t do this. They couldn\'t do this. Practicing her tai chi breathing exercises, Celina relaxed her shoulders and returned to the bed. They would get nowhere arguing.



"I can\'t do this anymore Jake. There is too much bad blood between us to ever move forward. I know – I know that we had a child together, and you can\'t forgive me. I can\'t forgive you either."



Jake knew he messed up. He didn\'t mean to callously throw out the ill will he harbored against her, but he couldn\'t deny that he loved her even still. How could they reconcile such feelings?



"Celina, I didn\'t mean to—"



She shook her head, the curls covering her red watery eyes. She sniffed intermittently, in between his protestations. He moved closer to kneel in front of her on the bed. She waved him away. She stood then, never looking as bold and as beautiful as she did now. Pulling her hair back away from her face, Celina narrowed her eyes at Jake.



"Over the years, you have said some out of pocket things before, but this takes the cake. I\'m not going to complete this assignment with you, and if I have to retake this class so be it. I can\'t do this anymore."



He felt his body lock up, unable to move himself now. It was as if he was having an out of body experience. Had things gotten this bad? Were they really doing this?



"I am tired, and it is emotionally draining playing out the \'who was hurt more\' game with you. Deep in your heart, we both know that you wanted to break me as punishment over Nathan\'s death. Congratulations Jake you did. Good bye."



She reached for her bag, purse and jacket and slammed the door loudly on her way out. Jake could hear the echo of her heels on the stairs adjacent to their room. With each step she took, he knew that she was going further and further away, out of his life forever.