Of Truth and Trust

Just a quick couple of notes. This fic was written as a one-on-one RP (role-play), so the focus of the POV changes for the characters being played. My cowriter and I based this off of the famous manga \"Kaze to Ki no Uta,\" though you don\'t need to know the story to follow this one.

// =thoughts
* =emphasis

Thanks for reading--I hope you enjoy.


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Of Truth and Trust
Chapter 8

“Just this,” Sebastian told him, holding the boy’s hand firmly to his chest. “If you really want to understand me better, listen very closely, Nathanial. Feel it.” With his free hand he tipped Nathanial’s chin back just enough to press a gentle kiss to his throat.

He gasped quietly and pulled back, his heart skipping a beat before resuming at a quicker pace. //No—no this can’t be right. I can’t….// But he couldn’t deny the sudden warmth in his stomach, the way his heart was pounding and anxious, easily felt through his shirt and vest. It sounded in his ears and temples, and he was very sure Sebastian could somehow hear it as well. “Don’t,” he whispered, though his voice was lacking the strength he really wished it to have. “This isn’t….”

“Don’t be frightened,” Sebastian breathed, holding him just tightly enough that he wouldn’t be able to escape completely. “There’s something about a kiss that holds everyone, whether it comes from a man or a woman. Even the most god-fearing, married man can be seduced, but it doesn’t mean they are all sinners. To tell the truth, very few of the boys in this school I’ve slept with were actually homosexual. I like to think of it as God’s way of reminding us that he didn’t make us perfect.”

He leaned in closer still, so that their cheeks touched. “Did you feel it? The way it makes your heart race, your stomach twist? I love that feeling, that excitement. And I love giving it to others. *That’s* why I do it, Nathanial.”

Nathanial fought to keep his breathing steady, eyes closing as he tried to reverse the effects those words were having on him. //He’s playing with me,// he told himself. //He just said they’re not all like him—what I am doesn’t matter. He’s just…using me to enjoy himself.// “Stop,” he murmured, fingers tense against his chest. “You…you’ve proven your point. Stop playing.” //Stop trying to confuse me even more.//

Sebastian couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “I have? So you *do* feel it, then.” Nathanial was as sweet as he imagined: small, flushed, shivering—it made him nearly glow with excitement. //I want him. But…I’ll give him some more time. Just…a little more.// “But all right. If you don’t want me touching you, I can stop.” He gave the boy one last kiss and a pat on the knee before leaning back. He didn’t, however, move to put much distance between them, let alone leave the bed. //After all, I’m not so sure he doesn’t want me touching him,// he thought with a smirk.

Without warm breath against his cheek, Nathanial found he could breathe much easier, and he was quick to slide away from the other boy. He ran his hands through his hair, smoothing it down while he gathered his composure. When he felt a little more in control, he glanced back at his roommate. “I don’t want you to do that again,” he whispered, not trusting his voice to keep from trembling. His stomach, however, was practically aching with the words. “I’m not like you—I can’t be. So just…let me be.” Nathanial returned his book to his desk before heading to the wardrobe.

Sebastian frowned slightly. //Can’t be?// With an eyebrow raised he gathered up his own books to return to his desk. “That’s right—you can’t be like me. I wouldn’t want you to be, as I certainly couldn’t stand the competition,” he added lightly. “All I want is for you to be yourself, whatever you think that is. But….” He set the books down with a dull thunk. “…I don’t want you to be afraid of tutoring me, either. So I won’t do it again unless I’m invited.”

He nodded shortly. “All right then.” //Be myself…. I don’t think anyone can be themselves around you, can they? I wonder…if you’ll be putting any marks in your book now.// Reaching the wardrobe, Nathanial realized he wasn’t as tired as he had been. Instead he headed for the door. “Please excuse me—I think I’m going to take a walk. I shan’t be long.”

“I’ll be here,” Sebastian promised, offering him a wink. “Take your time.” He fetched an orange out of a drawer in his desk to peel. //Go ahead, Nate. Think on it a good long time.//

Nathanial slipped out into the hall, taking a deep, fresh breath as the door closed behind him. But he suddenly didn’t want to be alone, and without thinking he was heading down to Christopher’s room and knocking on his friend’s door. //I just…need to think about something else, something new. Just for a while.//

Christopher, who was just on his last set of math problems, called for the visitor to enter. He smiled brightly when he saw who it was. “Nathan, come in. I was just about finished.” He paused. “Are you all right? You look flushed.”

“I am well,” he answered quickly, slipping inside and moving to sit on the edge of the bed. “I was studying, and I need a bit of a break.” He cocked his head to the side. “I don’t suppose…you would be up for a game of chess?” //Something I have to actually concentrate on, so I can ignore everything else.//

“Certainly. If you’ll only give me a moment to finish this last problem; it’s been giving me some trouble.” He waved toward his bed. “The chess board is under the bed, if you want to set it up.” //He looks like something happened, but I won’t ask. It was probably…Sebastian.//

Nathanial silently did so, setting up each piece in a precision way that was probably quite unnecessary, but it kept him busy until his friend could finish.

//This holiday, the baby, Sebastian…. I did not need all of this, all at once. What am I going to do? I’m not like him—I don’t like men in that way—I can’t. I can’t….// His fingers curled around a bishop. //If Father knew…God, he’d take me away from here. He’d send me off just like he did before, just waiting for me to graduate….//

//Something is wrong. He’s awfully tense.// Christopher tried to concentrate on his math a bit longer, at last finishing with a satisfactory answer so he could tend to his friend. “There—finished.” He seated himself on the bed across from Nathanial. “You’re white—go ahead and make your first move.” //I wonder if he’ll tell me….//

Nathanial did so, though he could already tell it would be a swift and embarrassing match—his mind just wasn’t focusing as well as it could. He could easily see the concern working its way into his friend’s features, and after a few moves he decided he had to address it. “Christopher….” He took a deep breath. “I apologize for coming in like this, and in truth…I just need a few moments of esca I d I don’t want to appear like I’m using you, but….” //But I need this—I need to stay away for a while, please.//

“It’s fine,” Christopher quickly assured. “I understand.” //Especially considering who he has to put up with all the time, I’m surprised he’s not in here more often.// He kept that to himself. “Is there anything I can do?” he offered, though he was rather certain he wouldn’t be much help.

Shaking his head, Nathanial returned his attention back to the game with a small smile. “Thank you, but all I need right now is to ask that you not beat me too badly.” //Thank you, Christopher. I am grateful for your understanding.//

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The semester came to a close with much relief on everyone’s part, though Nathanial knew it wouldn’t last for long. He had just finished seeing Christopher off, had waved to Michael and the other freshmen as they too departed. As he made his way back to the third floor, the dorms seemed much too quiet. //I think…Martin, Walter, James, and Seymour are the only ones left on our floor. And Sebastian…//

He entered their room quietly, finding the other reading on his bed. A tremor went through his stomach, though by now Nathanial was no longer surprised by it—it happened every time he saw the other now. It was still a bit frightening, however, as he didn’t understand it, because he wasn’t like that.

“Everyone’s left,” he reported, dropping onto his own bed. “It already seems too quiet.”

“I told you, didn’t I?” Sebastian turned the page of his book—a collection of short plays he’d bought himself as a reward for finishing the semester well. “Don’t worry, it won’t be too bad. If we get some snow, the outdoors will become lively.” He couldn’t help a slight smirk. “Though, Walter’s roommate has gone home for the break, so you might not see much of me.”

The knot in his stomach tightened, though he tried to keep that from showing in his face. “You spend a lot of time with him,” he remarked lightly. “Have you not learned all his secrets yet? Or is he simply a favorite of yours?”

Sebastian chuckled. “Walter doesn’t have many secrets worth keeping, other than that he’s more like me than most. If you know what I mean.” He scratched lightly at his stomach, and after a moment slipped the hand beneath his shirt to warm it—the heating in the old dorms wasn’t always what it could have been. “But yes, I suppose you could say he’s a favorite of mine. He keeps things simple.”

//I wonder what that means.// He decided it would be better not to ask as he flopped down on his bed, lifting his eyes to the ceiling. //It…really is quiet.// “Sebastian….” //I shouldn’t ask this, but….// “How did you know? That you were…you know.” He kept his eyes locked on the ceiling, hoping his tone was light enough.

//If you’re wondering, it might be too late,// he thought with a bit of wry amusement. “I knew,” he answered simply. “Though I suppose I was younger than most.” There wasn’t any harm in being truthful—even if Nathanial told anyone it wouldn’t make a difference. These memories were painless to him. “I just never took any interest in women, and so when an older boy came along that I found could…well, that I was attracted to, it was the obvious explanation.”

“Obvious….” Nathanial closed his eyes. //Last summer…Father held those parties, with all those young girls…. Didn’t at least one of them…?//

He shook his head. “Thank you for being truthful,” he said politely, folding his hands over his restless stomach. //It cannot be that way. I cannot be like that, but….// His fingers curled. //Why can’t I stop thinking about it? Why am I so curious to try? Why…do I want him to kiss me again?//

Sebastian cocked an eye at him. “Thinking about it isn’t going to help,” he advised, by now only giving the impression that he was still reading. “You know when you know; it’s as simple as that.” There wasn’t, however, any harm in helping him along. He sighed quietly and stretched a little, so that his back arched.

Nathanial glanced over and was forcibly reminded of when he’d caught his roommate with Walter on the boy’s bed. Reminded of the way his back curled, his head tilted….

Suddenly overcome with frustration and injustice, he rolled over and stood up. “It’s your fault,” he said with a glare. “You wanted this, didn’t you. This is what you do to all of them, isn’t it. Make them all question themselves, doubt themselves, and then you give them truth.” His eyes narrowed. “That’s what you did to Christopher.”

“Christopher was a little different than most of them,” Sebastian said calmly, not looking up from his book. “He knew what he was and wouldn’t accept it. I made him accept it. The others….” His smile was faint. “Yes, I suppose you could say that about the others. Men grow strongest through suffering. Wasn’t that in one of our philosophy lectures?” He turned the page, unrushed.

//He’s trying to make me mad. Sebastian—// His hands curled into fists, but he kept quiet another moment to be sure he had his voice in check. “Then this has all just been a part of your little game,” he concluded.

This time Sebastian closed his book, setting it to rest deliberately beside him. //This is not a game, Nathanial. This is who I am—this is reality. This is all I can do.// But when he met Nathanial’s gaze there was a slight smile on his lips and in his eyes. “If you want me to kiss you,” he said evenly, “all you have to do is ask.”

“Stop it,” he hissed, trying to cover up his flinch at those words. “I’m not like that—I’m not, I can’t.” //Tell him you don’t want him to.// His stomach protested, shoulders rising. //Tell him! Tell him you don’t want him to kiss you!//

Nathanial fell silent, glaring at the other through his glasses, though eventually he had to turn away. //Why? Why can’t I just tell him to leave me alone?//

“Why not?” Sebastian persisted at his back. He pushed to his feet, though he didn’t follow just yet. “Why is it ‘can’t,’ Nathan? Does it truly disgust you?” His eyes narrowed. “Or is it that your father would scorn and despise you?”

He choked softly, unable to believe how Sebastian could read him so easily. “He would disown me,” he shot back weakly. “He—” Nathanial cut himself off, licking his lips. //I…can’t say anything. I know what he’s going through, it’s just….// He smoothed back his hair. //This is so foolish.// “I can’t,” he repeated, softly. “It’s just…not supposed to happen this way….”

“Nathan, hush,” Sebastian murmured, his voice considerably softer than a moment ago. He slid forward slowly to rest his hands on the boy’s shoulder. “Hush now, all right? Nathan….” Carefully he turned the boy about. “I know. I know, Nathan, it’s not. But there’s nothing to be ashamed about here—don’t ever be ashamed. Understand? Not ever.”

Nathanial closed his eyes, not wanting to see the other. //It’s too late for that, Sebastian. It…might be too late for everything.// He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing would come out. After a moment of struggling, he simply gave up. “I can’t…” he helplessly repeated. “I’m…I’m not….”

“Shhh. I know.” It was the perfect opportunity—he knew that—and yet he hesitated to take it. Instead of the kiss he normally would have granted he pulled Nathanial gently into his arms. //He’s…more important than the others. He’s my roommate—he deserves to be treated better.// He tightened his embrace about the boy’s shoulders to hold him still. //And I haven’t yet been invited.//

He should have resisted, should have pushed the other away…but his body wouldn’t listen. Nathanial leaned into his roommate with a soft murmur, reaching up to curl trembling fingers against sharp shoulder blades. //How can he do this…? It’s not fair….// Luckily, he didn’t cry; he simply huddled within the circle of thin arms.

Sebastian held him for a while, innocently, humming soft, comforting murmurs in his ear. And when he couldn’t help it anymore his hands began to move; he rubbed Nathanial’s back and shoulders, trying to get him to calm. “It’s all right,” he whispered. Slowly he eased back so that their cheeks scraped, so that his lips could feather over fair skin. “It’s all right, Nathan.”

Nathanial held very still, letting the gentle attentions run over him. //Please…please don’t….// His fingers flexed, not daring to pull closer or push away. For once his stomach was calm, his breath even, and he wasn’t about to disrupt that.

“Shhh.” Sebastian continued to murmur softly as he spread tiny, whispered kisses along the boy’s cheeks and jaw, daring closer and closer to his lips. His fingers slid to cup his face, his eyes slipped shut. //Don’t fear me, Nathan. Don’t fear yourself.// At last he brought them together in a gentle kiss.

Nathanial whimpered and pulled back, just enough to separate their lips. His hands hesitantly grasped the other’s wrists, though he made no move to pull the thin, cool hands from his face. “Se….” //Please….//

Sebastian drew him carefully back in. “Shh—don’t,” he mumbled against flushed lips. He offered another brief, skating kiss. “Stay. Shh…” Ever so gradually he traced the contours of Nathanial’s face with his mouth and fingertips. //Stay. You’re all right—it’s all right.// He ended with another full kiss, taking a step closer so that they’re bodies pressed.

He tried to turn his head away, but Sebastian seemed to be everywhere, gently pulling him back in with every touch. When he felt the warmth of another body he took a fearful step back, only to find himself bumping against the wall. Soft folds of fabric brushed along his sides from the thick curtains. Nathanial finally managed to get away long enough for a quick, gasping breath. “Se…bastain…. I….” His voice trailed off in a frightened murmur as his stomach began to twist again.

“It’s all right,” Sebastian assured. Normally he would have backed down by now, but Nathanial was too sweet, too beautiful with his wide eyes and reddened cheeks. He stole the boy’s hand and pressed it against his chest. “Do you feel it? Do you feel me?” He pressed in closer, setting his own hand against Nathanial’s chest to rub over where his heart lay. //Can’t you feel how wonderful it is?//

//Please…this is….// Nathanial pressed back against the wall, turning his head to the side. //I can’t even move….// His fingers curled against Sebastian’s chest. //But, it’s not so….// He finally opened his eyes to peer up at his roommate. //I…I do feel….// “Sebastian….”

Sebastian smiled slightly as he leaned in for another few kisses. “That’s right,” he whispered, continuing his massage. He ran his other hand through Nathanial’s hair to disturb its careful arrangement. “You’re so lovely like this.” When he bent in again he teased the boy’s lips with the very tip of his tongue. “Won’t you kiss me back? Don’t you want to…?”

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