Carnival without Lights

Author’s Note: Okay, this chapter jumps a few times. Just look for the break “000”s and know that that means there is a shift in time or location.

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Rupert was worried, but he tried to keep himself occupied so that he wouldn’t be. In doing that, he’d come across a computer disk with a line drawn across it and, in an attempt to occupy his time, he put it in Jesse’s laptop. He spent ten minutes staring at the screen, deciding whether or not it was a good idea to press “play” on the video.


Jesse had left two hours previous…he should be home soon.

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Jesse’s hands shook around the mug of tea in his hands. He’d expected to be led to some café somewhere, but instead he was sitting on a couch he used to spend his days lying in while waiting for Daniel to come home. Daniel was home, now, though, he was drinking black coffee and sitting in his usual place. It wasn’t his usual chair though, this was a new one, but the couch was the same.

The house smelled the same, like Daniel and old leather, but it lacked the reek of sweat that used to hover in it like a cloud. Probably because Daniel didn’t have anyone living with him to get his usual three-times-a-day sex to fill the air.

How many times did each of those three times start on that couch?

Jesse flinched and stood up, some of his tea spilling over the rim and burning the tops of his fingers. He didn’t pay the pain any mind. His eyes were locked on Daniel who, after standing in unison with Jesse, kept rotating his eyes from Jesse to the floor.

“What’s the matter, Jess? You forget something?” Daniel took a step towards him and Jesse immediately sat back down. He wanted to back away, but the couch blocked his path and he wasn’t sure if he was capable of running to the door.

“No,” he answered, looking down at the tea uncomfortably. Daniel chuckled slightly and his chair groaned as he sat back down as well.

“Something bite cha?” Jesse just shook his head and turned his eyes back to Daniel who sighed heavily. The man pulled his right leg up and let his ankle rest on his left knee, his fingers tapped at his right shoe absentmindedly. “Gotta go home? Boyfriend missin’ you?” He saw how Daniel’s lip twitched in a small smirk that he was striving to repress. In the end, he just covered his mouth with his hand in a faux attempt to wipe something off of it until he had himself under control.

“He doesn’t expect me until about three. It’s only…only…” He looked at the clock beneath Daniel’s television. It still read 12:00—of course Daniel never bothered to set it.

“About eleven, I think,” Daniel stated. “You love him?” He asked suddenly. His voice sounded apathetic, but Jesse felt that he knew better. “Your new /boy/friend?”

“Yes,” Jesse answered quietly, taking a tentative sip from his tea. It was the first taste he’d had of it since receiving it.

“It’s not poisoned. You watched me make it.” Jesse looked at him vacantly. “The bag was sealed! You saw it!”

“Do /not/ raise your voice to me,” Jesse stated firmly, eyes sinking into slits. He took a mouthful of tea and swallowed hard.

“Then don’t act like you think I’m tryin’ to poison you.”

“Don’t tell me what to do either,” Jesse said in agitated tone. Daniel rolled his eyes and stood up, causing Jesse to slide back farther into his seat while keeping his eyes locked on the man who came closer and then sank down beside him on the couch. Jesse moved to get up, but Daniel’s arm wound about his waist and the other snagged his tea from his hand and set it away on the floor. “Let go, let go, let go!” Jesse called out, squirming away towards the arm of the couch while another arm wrapped around him, subduing the fist that attempting to strike the side of Daniel’s head.

“Relax, Jess,” Daniel spoke softly. He nuzzled Jesse’s neck and held the struggling man closer.

“Stop it!” Jesse shouted, fighting until the arms were retracted. He attempted to stand, but Daniel grabbed both of his wrists and pinned him back against the couch. “Don’t you /dare/!” Jesse spat, twisting his wrists feverishly.

“Dare what?” Daniel asked, smiling feebly. “I’m just trying to give you a hug—I’ve missed you.”

“You have no right to even touch me!” Jesse called out in distress.

“I know, Jess. Believe me, I know.”

“Then why are you still touching me!?” Jesse pulled his hands free and held them securely to his chest. “What do you want from me?” He growled, staring Daniel in the eye in an attempt to gain some power. He used to always look away, but he wouldn’t stop until Daniel did.

When Daniel finally did, he turned away for less than a second before turning back with a full glare on his face that reminded Jesse too well of another one. He swallowed hard and felt his hands start to shake. What had he been thinking coming here? This was /Daniel/. Daniel who hit harder than a train.

“I just want to tell you that I’m /sorry/,” Daniel breathed. “I’m /sorry/.”

“Well it won’t change anything,” Jesse hissed in response. “I’m not going to forgive you! You don’t deserve it!”

“You think I don’t know that?” Daniel said, letting his temper drop. His eyes remained in a glare, but only because Jesse’s did as well. “You think I’m unaware of how badly I messed up? Have you /seen/ that video?” His eyes dropped their glare and turned sympathetic.

“I don’t need to see it,” Jesse spat with venom. “I lived it.” A period of odd silence fell over them as Jesse kept his narrowed eyes fixed on Daniel who stared at a well-remembered stain on the couch.

Jesse felt trapped again. He worried that, if he shoved Daniel aside and made a mad dash for the door, the man would follow him and find out where he lived. He didn’t need Daniel showing up out of the blue one day. Knowing Rupert, he’d be the one to answer the door and end up being the victim of some sort of kinky abuse rape…or end up breaking down into tears of anger.

Rupert was so pathetic sometimes.

“Jess?” Jesse ignored him for a moment as he wondered about Rupert. Rupert, like a puppy, got in to things if you left him alone for too long. Why, Jesse wouldn’t even be surprised if he came home one day and found his only pair of dress shoes chewed up—it would be a good excuse to buy Jesse new ones like the rich bastard kept asking to do when he wasn’t asking to buy other things. “Jesse?” Daniel reached up and touched Jesse’s cheek gently, only to have his hand slapped away.

“Stop it!” Jesse barked, turning to face Daniel and making it known that he was unhappy. “Stop! Do you know what that mean? It means quit doing what you’re doing! Back the hell off! Stop touching me!” Daniel looked away almost self-consciously and pulled his hands away.

“I know what it means,” he said softly.

“Then quit touching me! I don’t know what you want, but you’re not getting anything from me!” Jesse found himself speechless when Daniel said nothing to warrant a comeback and felt his fury ebb to annoyance.

“I don’t want anything from you, Jess,” Daniel said blankly. Jesse flinched. That tone was bitterly familiar. It was the same apathetic tone as before. When the beating ceased, only to commence again after being told that his screams for mercy were unacceptable…

How many times had the implement fallen on him before he was forced to get on all fours and take it like a dog while a collar around his neck choked him, the blood in his throat gagged him, and the bag covering his head smothered him? Two hundred? Three hundred? More? Did Daniel know? Probably not. Daniel didn’t care that night, Daniel didn’t care how many times he struck or how bad it hurt when he thrust in—Daniel didn’t care and Jesse had no option but to accept the torture until it was over because /if ya try to move from this spot, we’re going to start all over again. Understand? I don’t care if you’re bleeding! Be quiet! We’re not done!/

In those few moments he had been so helpless. There was nothing he could do. He could barely shift his legs, he couldn’t think of running. Daniel was closer to the door that he was, he couldn’t leave. Daniel wasn’t going to stop, and the more he begged the worse it got. There was nothing he could do…nothing…he was trapped and completely at Daniel’s mercy because the game progressed until he was too hurt to retaliate. How could Daniel do that? The same Daniel that helped him tell his parents. The same one who liked to take him out to dinner to “show him off”. Hands that could reach through his flesh and caress his soul had inflicted so much pain that his soul was left weeping as well. Left him lying on the floor screaming even though his throat was throbbing and tearing.

Daniel had practically forced Jesse with affection to make him the center of his world—why did he have to shatter it? What they’d had had was almost perfect! There were flaws, sometimes the sex hurt a bit, sometimes Daniel said hurtful things, but it had been okay aside from that. Daniel always apologized right until the very end. He’d loved Daniel so much and gave him all of that affection without any self-respect or dignity. He’d loved him until the very end—and he only stopped because he’d been so afraid and so wounded.

He’d loved him.

He loved him.

“Hey,” Daniel said, his face softening. “Hey, don’t cry, Jess!” Jesse jerked; stopping his rapid blinking that masked his welling tears ineffectively. “Jess! I can’t send you home crying. What’s your boyfriend gonna say?”

“Rupert?” Jesse asked, trying to fight off more tears even though several were already falling.

“Yeah,” Daniel muttered. “What’s Rupert going to think?” Daniel reached out and caressed one of Jesse’s hands gently. Slowly, he was able to work himself closer. From one hand to two, from hand to cheek, from that on to an arm around the shoulder…Daniel found himself smirking with his mouth buried in Jesse’s hair as he held him close.

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Rupert had decided against it. Jesse would get mad, and the disk probably wasn’t anything entertaining anyway. Probably just old music or a class project or something from when he was in school. Whenever Rupert felt his curiosity turn toward it, he moved to the apartment’s window instead and looked down at the sidewalk that led towards the building’s front door. When Jesse came home, he’d notice before he even got inside.

Jesse was running late and, although Rupert knew he wasn’t really at work like he’d said, he still should have been back by then—six-thirty. It would be dark soon.

Rupert didn’t care so much that Jesse had lied about going out—it was obvious that he needed the time to himself, but he was afraid that something like this would happen. Jesse would go out, stay out, stay out, stay out, and return home later the next day…if then.

He took a deep breath and leaned against the window, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes vacant, surveying the sidewalk for his lover.

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The mattress screamed with the weight of their bodies again, but Jesse didn’t scream with it. His mind did, but he was silent aside from his heavy panting and soft groans. Every time he’d think “How can I be doing this? Have I gone insane? What about Rupert?” Daniel would touch him in some fantastic way that left him moaning with lights of pleasure exploding like fireworks behind his eyes. Of course it would be like that. Daniel knew him so well. If he started to fade out, Daniel noticed. If he was already gone, Daniel knew just the things to do to bring him back.

“I missed you,” Daniel breathed into Jesse’s ear before licking it slowly. Jesse moaned softly and wrapped his legs around Daniel’s bare waist. Daniel had been magical in his ways of consoling him. He apologized and he’d meant it, he’d explained in so much detail about why he’d done it and what had gone wrong and then all of the magnificent ways that he would try and make it up.

All he would have to do was leave Rupert and start over. Jesse wasn’t sure if he was willing to do that, but he was more than willing to play along. It had been so long since he’d had a lover that was willing to just /take/ him without worrying about foreplay and preparation. Sure, Rupert could be hasty, but not like Daniel.

He’d been trained by Daniel, it was only natural that he’d like his sex best.

“Last time,” Jesse moaned as Daniel’s hand began to pump him. “I-I have to get home or he’ll be suspicious.” Daniel hummed and licked Jesse’s ear again.

“What’s the rush? Stay the night.” Jesse moved in synch with Daniel’s commands, gasping softly when the other pushed inside.

“I /can’t/,” Jesse insisted. “Not yet.”

“Stay with me,” Daniel said softly, beginning to thrust gently as Jesse relaxed around him. “You don’t need him anymore.” Jesse moaned softly and fisted his hands in the sheets and Daniel’s hair. He said nothing and Daniel spoke of it no more for the evening.

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Jesse stepped out of the bathroom, showered, redressed, and dry. Daniel was sitting on the bed, smiling softly and had a piece of folded paper in his hand. Jesse took it from him after giving him a soft kiss on the cheek and put it in his pocket.

“My number. I guess that since I’m the ‘other woman’ it wouldn’t do either of us any good if I called you.”

“Thanks,” Jesse muttered quietly. “I’ll call you when I get around to it.”

“I called a cab for you,” Daniel said with a smile. Jesse kissed him once again, on the lips however, and then forced on a smile.

“Thanks.”

“Anytime, Jess.” Shaking his head, Jesse moved quickly towards the door, not wanting to keep his back turned towards Daniel for very long before exiting the house.