Aviary

I was afraid I would never see him again. But he surprised me when I spotted him in the aviary when I returned from my work the following day. But I didn't go to him to apologize. I didn't want to hear what he had done against it or if he'd called the police. I knew I would be in a lot of trouble if the school board found out what I had done to a young boy. He wasn't a minor, but still a young boy and such things always lay sensitive with parents.

For a week he didn't care for the birds, so I knew I'd have to see him. I knew how much he cared for those birds and I really wanted him back. I enjoyed watching him because I could see he felt so much more comfortable around the birds when he was alone than when I was with him near them.

So one day, I crossed the street and rang the doorbell. After about a minute, the door was opened and I found the old lady - Matthew's grandmother - standing there.

'Good day,' was all I said. I couldn't address her because I didn't know her name - Parker was probably Matthew's father's name so the chances hers was Parker's as well were slim. 'I'd like to see Matthew.'

'Oh!' she said as her face lightened up. 'You're the owner of the aviary?'

'Er - yes,' I answered. Matthew must have told her about his new job.

'Oh Matthew is so fond of those birds! He spends so much time with them!'

'Yes, I know,' I answered, smiling uncomfortably.

'Say -,' the woman suddenly said and she stepped closer, scrutinizing my face before she continued to talk in whispers. 'Aren't you from the place where someone died only a few weeks ago?'

'Yes - my wife died,' I answered, feeling a brick had been thrown into my stomach. 'The aviary was hers - I asked Matthew to take care of the birds.'

'How marvelous!' she said as she turned and shuffled back to the living room, leaving me to stand where I was. 'You know - I gave Matthew his first budgie! He was 10 years old when I took him in. And he was such a lonely boy! Never had any friends to play with - bless him. So Mrs. Steward from the bridge said I should buy him a pet. Well I'm allergic to cats and I can't stand dogs and I think rabbits shouldn't be kept in such small cages and hamsters die so quickly - so, I though, I'll buy him a bird!'

During her ramblings I had let myself in, closing the door behind me and following her into the living room. She was sitting in an armchair, knitting as she continued to talk:

'I know nothing of birds so I asked the nurses if they knew anything about them - well, one of them, her little sister works in a pet shop and told me the Australian ones were the favourite of the British people so I'd thought I'd buy him one of those. So when he turned 11 I took him to the shop and he chose his own bird! Oh he was so happy with it and he took well care of it every day! He called it 'Puk', like in Shakespeare and he talked to it every day until it could talk too! Oh such a lovely bird it was! Of course, after a few years, it died. So I had him buy a new one because he really seemed to do well with a bird around! And then he bought this one,' she said as she nudged to the table next to the book case. A cage stood on it and a white-based budgie sat perched on a bird swing.

'Hamlet - he called this one. And it can talk too! You see, birds co-,'

'Ma'am,' I interrupted. 'Can I see Matthew?'

'Oh, yes, of course!' she said as she stuffed her knittings away and got up out of her chair.
'I'm so sorry dear - I get carried away so easily!'

'It's fine, ma'am,' I said and couldn't help but smile at the old lady as she took me by my arm and guided me back to the hallway and to the staircase.

'Oh, call me Lisa, dear,' she said as she patted my arm. 'Let me call Matthew for you - Matthew!' she called up the stairs.

But no reply came.

'Oh what's he up to now?' she said, apparently talking to herself. She was about to ascent the stairs when I stopped her. I could see she stood quite unsteady on her feet.

'Shall I go up and see him?' I asked her, hoping she would allow me because I wanted to see him alone.

'Oh of course, dear - first door on your left.'

So I went upstairs and found the door which she had pointed out for me. I hesitated, but knocked the door. No answer.

'Matthew?' I called silently and I placed my hand on the door handle, silently opening the door. I found him on the bed, laying on his stomach with his face buried in his pillow. At first, I feared the worst but when I entered the room, I noticed he was crying.

'M-Matthew?'

He didn't answer. I didn't know what to do and I felt rather unwanted. But my parental instincts kicked in and I sat down on his bedside, holding out my hand over his back. I withdrew my hand slightly, hesitating again, but eventually placed it down on his shoulder.

'I - I'm so sorry, Matthew.'

I had expected him to push my hand away, like he had pushed me away in the aviary. But he didn't. He allowed my hand to be on his back as he cried and I wondered why he wasn't disgusted by me touching him again. Was he afraid? I had raped him after all so maybe he was afraid of me.

But instead, he continued to cry and I kept my hand where it was. It felt as if I had been sitting there for hours, hearing him cry until he finally stopped.

'Matthew?' I tried again and he finally lifted his head up, resting his chin on his pillow but still not looking at me.

'What do you want?' he demanded softly.

'I want to say I'm sorry.'

He didn't answer. He sniffed a few times but he didn't talk.

'Do you - do you want to go and see the police?' I asked him, feeling it was the most honest thing to do.

'N-No,' he muttered. 'No - it's fine.'

'Are you sure?' I asked him, feeling confused. 'I - I can understand if you want to. I won't stop you.'

'No, there's no need to.'

Secretly, I felt relieved, but I also felt troubled the lad let something happen like that to him without taking action.

'I just wanted you to know - I'm really sorry. And if you - want to stop taking care of the birds, I will understand it.'

'But what will you do with the birds?' Matthew suddenly sat up and looked at me, he eyes wet and red.

'I - I'd have to find someone else to care for them. Or - give them away.'

'I'll stay,' Matthew said as he leaned with his back against the wall, turning his face away from me.

'You don't have to do it for the birds, Matthew. Think of yourself.'

'No - I want to stay.'

'Are you sure?'

He nodded and a long silence followed.

'I don't know why I did it, Matthew,' I told him, moving closer to him. 'I - I was drunk, and you're right. I - shouldn't drink that much.'

'I can help you,' he mouted silently.

'Pardon?'

'I can help you,' he said, this time a bit louder.

I didn't know what to say for a moment until I answered:

'No Matthew - you can't. You're just-,'

'A kid?' Matthew suddely snapped as he looked at me. 'I'm not just a kid, I'm 19!'

'Still a kid to me, Matthew.'

He shook his head, his jaw tightly locked. 'I can do it,' he said as he moved closer. 'I can help you. I want to help you.'

'That's really kind Matthew, but you can't,' I said again, shaking my head. But I felt slightly touched that he wanted to help me so badly.

'Let me help you - please,' he said as his eyes started to water again. The last thing I wanted was him crying again!

'Matthew -,'

'Please,' he pleaded again and threw his face against my shoulder, swinging his arms around my neck and started to cry again.

I had no idea what was happening here. I had raped this boy a week ago and now he was pleading with me to have him help me. I wondered why this lad was interfering with my personal problems and why he was so desperately clinging onto me. This had to stop - now!

But then I thought about what Matthew's grandmother had said. He didn't have any friends and the only thing he liked were birds. I couldn't take that away from him. He really wanted to stay, for the birds' sake - and I felt it would be a horrible thing to do to take them away from him. The birds did him well and so in return, I would help him.

So I agreed, only so he could stay close and I could keep an eye on him.