Only the Heart Knows Why, Quax's Days

Only the Heart Knows Why, Quax's Days

Seven: These Wounds



The next day was very heavy. I got no sleep and ended up tossing and turning all night. And of course, every time I moved the back of my shoulder would jolt, waking me up. Fortunately, Atarun helped me dress the deep grazes and gashes on my back and bind my shoulder. I didn't have any trouble telling him that my shoulder happened last night either and he seemed interested in it. Apparently it's about how bad a dislocated shoulder gets if it's unattended for a week. I just shrugged it off and said he shoved me against the wall really hard. I don't know if he bought it or not, but it was enough to get him to stop asking about it.



By noon I was starting to get really stir crazy though, and asked Atarun if he could drop me at school. He didn't think it was a good idea, but agreed, even if reluctantly. I didn't have any clothes, but he knew I like wearing girls clothes so he said I could wear whatever I wanted of his girlfriend s. She had a good selection, but it wasn't really my style. Some of the clothes did seem really familiar though, and it was better than going naked though, so I chose a pair of black capris and a red, skin tight top. I gave myself a once over in the mirror and thought that whoever is girlfriend is must have a really flat chest.



There was even some makeup lying around, so I used it to cover the bruise over my eye. I could tell Atarun knew what caused the black eye, but I'll be damned if I'm going to admit to it. I talked to him on the way out and he lent me a pen. He said it was just a cheap pen, but it was still the best pen I'd ever seen. I wonder if he'd miss it...



So, I showed up back at school near the end of lunch in case someone wanted to find out just why I was late. I never would, but people seemed to be rather persistent at wanting to find out things. I'd never let it out though. I'm not the best liar out there, I actually don't like liars. The one thing I can do that no one else does better, is dive so far into denial that it sometimes seems there's more than one of me. There's the real me, and the me that I show to others.



The few people who I saw that afternoon were interested in what happened, but since I timed my showing up so well, they were all too busy with their class work to spend too much time questioning me. I didn't even run into any of the three people who would probe me successfully. Kanau wasn't in class that afternoon, but admittedly I wasn't expecting to see him after what happened to him Yesterday. I did see Hika and Bianca in the hall, but they didn't see me and I was on my way home, anyway.



Home wasn't where I wanted to be right now, but I was still happy when I got home and there was a message saying I didn't have to go in to work. I was happy to get the night off and stay at home. This was the only time that I can ever remember actually wanting to stay home over going out. Tonight was different though. Right now all I want to do is get up into bed and sleep until the morning. I wanted to escape from this mentality. I wanted to get out. My mother was her usual submissive self, and my father gave me a slap or two for running off and not coming home. He knew what really happened, but I didn't care. If it made him feel better to batter me around, then so be it. I just wanted to sleep.



I went to bed just after supper. My sleep was broken and laboured, and it was filled with the flashing images of the night before. It got quite bad that at one point I had to go downstairs and get myself a drink of water from the fridge. I hadn't come down the stairs quietly like normally, so on the way back up my father was there. He gave me a slap to the back of the head and growled at me. I turned to him and let him do what he wanted to me. He just gave me one last slap across the back of my head and went to bed. I resigned to the same.



School the next day was nothing. It felt really drawn out and I barely said a word all day. I was dragged to sit with Hika and Bianca during lunch. They tried to find out what happened Yesterday, why I wasn't at school in the morning, but I didn't say anything. I couldn't. Let's face it, the only reason I was there was so I wouldn't have to deal with my father all day. Call this the lesser of two evils, I guess.



By Friday morning, I was starting to feel a little better. I gave Hika a slight smile when I met her outside and she seemed over the moon. By the time Bianca joined us I was even joking quietly. By the time I had to get to class I'd started talking quite normally, though I still out right refused to talk about what happened on Tuesday night. They could tell it was something rather personal, so they didn't push me to talk about it. So we waved our goodbyes and I headed off towards my Social Studies class. I sighed as I walked through the door and absently approached my usual seat. This class is just boring when there's no Kanau to stare at. He'd been off since Tuesday, and I don't blame him, after what happened. Still, it's a good nap I guess.



I glanced up just before taking my seat and paused for a moment when I saw Kanau. He still had a few bruises on him, but he still looked great. He even looked at me and gave a slight nod, so I guess he'd gotten over hating me.



I smiled. I actually smiled. And I never thought I'd smile again.



I took my seat and put my bag down beside me. The teacher started his lecture, but my thoughts, as they had been doing so much lately, drifted to thinking about Tuesday night. I opened my eyes lightly and stared around the room so I wouldn't at least have to see those images. I wasn't surprised at all to see my eyes drift to the back of Kanau's head. After a while, he turned to me and, with a light sneer, whispered "take a picture, it'll last longer." I guessed I had been staring, so I shook my head and looked away. Of course, I didn't look away for long. I just glanced at the back of his head for seconds at a time.



Slowly, I started thinking about Tuesday night. My thoughts were oddly specific, and I remembered particularly that what little physical pleasure I got was interlaced by pictures of Kanau. I stared down at my book as my mind flashed with those thoughts, and suddenly I saw the whole scene played out, but the drunk man was replaced with Kanau. I could feel my cheeks slowly start to get red and I slowly eyed Kanau, hoping that he couldn't read my mind and that I wouldn't get too excited here.



At the end of the class, I started putting my books away and Kanau stood over me. "Want me to walk you to your next class?" he asked and I blinked, blushing deeply. He certainly couldn't read my thoughts, then.



"Uh, s-sure." I stammered, my cheeks getting hotter. I stood up and for the first time in a while, even from before Tuesday, I felt bouncy. This is probably how most people feel after their crush wants to spend time with them. And even if he doesn't want to be with me, I'm really glad just to know he doesn't hate me. He certainly seemed to before.



When we were out in the hall, everyone seemed to let us through. Are things normally like this for confident people? I wondered. I usually get pushed around and have to hug the wall. Still, it felt good. Well, until I felt a leg stick out of the crowd, tripping me to the ground. I landed on my chest, feeling it shoot with a passing pain, then got back up to my feet. Everyone was laughing at me, except Kanau anyway. He just watched me quietly. My eyes looked around slowly. I was surrounded by so many eyes. So many eyes were staring at me. Their gaze and their laughter shot right through me. I needed to get away from them.



I shot across the hall and dove into the bathroom. There was no one in there, and I paced across the room slowly and pounded my fists on the wall. I was feeling better, and now I felt like I was going to regress back to that place. That quiet place. Where it was lonely and all I did was think about the past and get more and more depressed. I didn't want to be that person. I'm happy! I'm the happy guy who's there to cheer up other people who feel that way. I don't do that myself. I can't deal with it. I don't know how.



I stood in that bathroom for that whole class. A few people came and went, but no one talked to me. When I finally went out I still talked to people and I felt better than Yesterday, but I wasn't quite as open as I had been earlier. So it ended almost as a regular day, and when I finally got to work, with nothing of note happening at home, I was ready to put my head down and toil, scrub away the hours.



A few more people than usual came through than the last night I worked, but everyone always liked to stock up for the weekend on Fridays. There were even a few people who did their weekly grocery shopping on Fridays, in order to keep their weekends free. The more people were good for me, too. The more people that came through, the less time I had to think and the more time I got to talk to some cool people I hadn't met before. After all, it's just like people say, a stranger is really just a friend you haven't met yet . There was even one man who came through who seemed really rich. He said something about how he usually got one of his workers to come here, but they were off for the weekend. He was really nice; he even tried giving me a $100 tip. I told him I didn't feel comfortable accepting it so I convinced him to drop it into a charity bin I keep on the counter.



After those hours, I was glancing at the clock every now and then. I still had forty five minutes to go and the number of people coming through had died down dramatically. It was now more like one every ten minutes, instead of ten every minute like it was earlier.



A woman came up to me and I started ringing up her items. She had a little girl sitting in her cart and though I waved, she wasn't looking so didn't wave back. She looked up at something else and out stepped Kanau. They smiled at each other and the little dickens giggled. I smiled at them and took the lady's money as she put her bags in the trolley and headed off.



I looked up at Kanau, who still had a light smile on his lips. "You like kids?" I asked him and he looked over, almost surprised to see me. I guess he'd forgotten I worked here.



His smiles broadens, though, and it made me gush. His smile was even more beautiful than his eyes. "Kids are... luckier than us," he said, his voice sounding confident, almost speaking with such wisdom. "They don t have to worry about as much shit." I just nodded, unsure whether I agreed with his choice of words or not. He took his ID from his pocket and flashed it at me. I knew what he wanted. I could smell it on his breath. "Camel lights," he said.



I don't like smokers, but as long as he had the money and was old enough, I had to sell them to him. "You're smoking yourself into an early grave," I muttered, ringing a pack up for him and dropping it onto the counter.



"Maybe then I wouldn't have to deal with anything," he said, then adding more softly, "if I were in the grave."



I frowned as he took some money from his wallet and handed it to me. I reluctantly slid the pack to him and he snatched it up. "See you at school Monday, Clumsy," he said on his way out.



"Clumsy?" I murmured after him. Through the window I could see he had just stopped outside for a cigarette. All I could see was the light of it burning, but for some reason I felt better knowing he was there. I just wish he would offer to walk me home like he offered to walk me to class. I really didn't feel safe on the streets at night anymore.



A little later, as we were nearing closing time, I had my attention on cleaning the counter when I heard someone moving behind me. I turned around and Kanau was there, standing rather nervously. I raised an eyebrow lightly, wondering what he wanted. Did he need more cigarettes already?



"Could I, maybe," he said, shifting about nervously, "stay at your place tonight?"



I stared at him for a while. He did just ask that, right? He asked to stay over at my place. I looked him over with my eyes. He didn't look like he wanted to come over for anything lewd. I really thought hard about it. My father would kill me if I brought some guy home, even if nothing happened between us. But, didn't he have a home? I know he did, it had that beautiful garden. I even went passed it Yesterday after class, and not just to see if Kanau was okay.



"I don t think that s a good idea," I said, looking down lightly. I didn't want to disappoint him, but I knew my father would absolutely kill me if he came.



"Please?" He blurted out, putting his hands on the counter and looking me in the eyes. "Just for one night, please."



"Well," I said softly, trailing off as I glance down at his hands on the counter. I'd have to clean there again if he leaves any marks.



"Do I have to beg?" He whispered, leaning even closer.



"Okay," I sighed, resigning to the idea, "you can come over." I lowered my gaze slowly, then glanced at him.



He nodded and stood back upright, relief across his face. "And I'll be gone as soon as I wake up in the morning."



"Okay..." I muttered, taking my cloth and absently whiping down the counter. I'm dead. I don't go back on my word, so I'm dead..



"When do you get off?" Kanau asked.



"Pretty soon, actually," I said, flashing him a cheap smile.



"Cool," he said, rapping his fingers on the counter. "I'll just... Go wait outside then," he said as he turned to head outside. I glanced at the counter and sprayed a little cleaner where his hands were and whiped it down.



I sighed as it was closing time. I stepped outside and found Kanau there. He muttered a goodbye to whoever he was talking to and turned to me as I stopped in front of him. "So," he said, looking about a little, "are we ready to go then?"



I nodded to him and swallowed hard. This could be my last night on Earth. My father always finds things out, and if it weren't for the fact that I've already looked and found nothing, I would swear that he had hidden cameras or microphones in my room. Kanau just stared at me as I started walking. Today I brought a jacket with me, just in case my father was going to lock me out. I put my hands in the pockets, as deep as they could go. It made them warm and toasty as I walked. Not that I spent too long thinking about it. Images flashed in front of my eyes. Feet in my stomach, fists in my face, canes across my back.



"How are you liking the school?" Kanau asked, breaking the growing silence, as well as my train of thinking. It's just as well.



"It's," I began, trying to find the right words, "well, interesting."



The answer must have satisfied him, since he didn't ask anything more. I closed my eyes lightly. What can I do? This is my last night alive, so there must be something I can do to make it a night to remember. I could go on a nude run through town. I could go up to my dad and tell him exactly what I think of him. I usually don't even curse, but that would be full of it. I smiled lightly to myself. That would be fun, yes.



Then I had the best idea ever. Kanau was coming to stay over, so maybe I could do something to him. I could wait until he was asleep and jump him when he was asleep, and then I could-



"You won't have to worry about Rufus anymore soon," Kanau said, making me blush at what I was about to imagine.



"Why's that?" I asked, turning to him slightly.



"Kaddar's pissed off at him," he explained, rubbing his chin lightly, "I think he might actually hurt the guy."



"Because of what he did to you, right?" I asked, "heh, I wish I had a boyfriend willing to go to the trouble for me..." My mind flashed with the image of Kanau beating up the drunk guy from the alley.



Kanau took a few quick steps and looked down at me. I blinked and he grinned a lot. "What are you, Jealous? You don t really look like the jealous type."



"Yeah, well," I said, almost indignantly, "how could I not be jealous of what he has, hm?



"Once again, you're weird," he responded, then his gaze turned rather stern ,"and that is not an invitation to call me hot again."



I just shook my head and lowered my gaze. "Whatever," I muttered, once again remembering what was coming. I was scared now, bordering terrified, as I looked up at the house. Kanau looked around a little, trying to see what it was like, but it was too dark to see. I sighed, walking up to the door with Kanau behind me. I unlocked the door and found it able to open this time. So I pushed it in slowly, trying not to let it creak, and peeked around. The place was deserted, so I grabbed Kanau's hand and led him inside. Tonight was going to be an interesting night.