Love, Lose, Live

I turn the light on and illumination reveals the hall with the pictures of Brian and me and the paintings I have done. To the left, I can see the kitchen with the mustard Brian always leaves out and my hot chocolate cup on the counter. The right shows the living room and the blanket he gave me on our one year anniversary. It’s all here like nothing happened. Like nothing fucking happened. I feel my sadness turn to rage and the table next to gets toppled over and the picture, that perfect fucking picture of Brian and I that everyone loves is broken. I see Brian smiling up at me and I stomp that smile into the floor. My rage still unfulfilled turns to the hall where pictures of Brian and I litter the walls. I tear them away from the wall and stomp on them. The glass has cut through my canvas shoes causing my feet and legs to bleed. I look down at my hands and realize that they are bleeding to but I just don’t give a shit. I move through the living room tearing through the DVDs and anything I knock-off the wall. I go upstairs, jerk open the door to the bedroom and stop short. It smells like Brian. I pull the door shut in front of my and fall to my knees sobbing. I rest my forehead against the door and cry. I hear someone yelling my name from downstairs but I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. Nothing does.
“Lucas? Lucas!” Someone runs up the stairs to me. Their hands fall on my shoulders and force me to turn around. I pull my knees up to my chest, wrap my arms around them and try to hide my face in my hair. “God damn it Lucas! Are you trying to kill yourself? Look at damn it. Stop hiding behind your hair and fucking look at me.” My hair is pulled away from my face and my chin forced up. I see James standing in front of me and Erin behind him a look of sad horror on her face. “Get up.” James pulls on my arm but I don’t stand. “Get your ass off the floor Lucas. Right now.” James pulls again and I finally stand. He drags me down to the bathroom, sits me on the tub lip and starts tearing through the linen closet. Erin comes and begins to remove my clothes leaving only my boxers on. James comes to the tub with the first aid kit and begins to remove the glass from my cuts. “Get in the damn shower.” James pulls me up by my arm and forces me stumbling into the shower. “Leave Erin.” Erin walks out and shuts the door behind her. James turns on the cold water and instantly I begin to shiver. “Wake the fuck up Lucas! Brian is dead and there is nothing you can do about so let him go.”
“I don’t think I can” I whisper.
“So you almost kill yourself by destroying your house? What the fuck kind of answer is that?!”
“I don’t want to live without him.”
“So you’ll put your family and friends through your death and funeral because you can’t handle the God damn truth? That fucking selfish.”
“Nobody cares about me. Brian was the one everyone liked.”
James jerks my head around to look at him “Bullshit. Bull-shit. Erin and I care for you. Yes you and we’re not the only ones. I love you Lucas and I want you to live.”
I grab James and begin to cry all over again. I sob asking “why?” James turns off the water and begins to hum. The soothing tones begin to work at my very broken soul and he and both know that I have a long and difficult journey ahead.