To Become

7:38pm - Cooking

I haven't written in a couple of days. The other night, I stopped breathing. Sara woke up from a bad dream and came over to me. It was luck that she did because she told me that she tried to wake me up, but she couldn't. Greg told me that Ryan heard Sara screaming and woke up extremely angry. I guess he came downstairs to the basement and started yelling at Sara to shut the fuck up, but then he realized something was wrong. Sara said that she told him and that he picked me up and ran me upstairs. Greg told me that I had just stopped breathing, but he doesn't know why. He ran a few tests and had Dr. Houle take them to his lab to get the results. He said everything was normal when he called.

I've been sleeping upstairs with Ryan every night. He said that he just wants to make sure that it doesn't happen again. His bed, the mattress is so soft and I just sink into it. It's still uncomfortable sleeping upstairs though. He has to handcuff my left arm to the bed. He said that it's more for my protection than anything. He just doesn't want me to try running off. I wouldn't anyway. I have nowhere to go. The thing I was worried about though when he first mentioned me staying with him at night was him doing things, but he doesn't. He stays on his side and I stay on mine. It's a huge bed! He said it's a king sized! Our cots are barely twins, not to mention the mattress being so hard it's like I'm trying to sleep on wood.

I get to stay with Sara again though. Greg said that it hadn't happened again, so it was okay for me to sleep in my own bed for now. It's not even a bed. I'm not complaining. Really I'm not. It has to be better than sleeping on the floor. It's complete concrete! cold and moist too. when it rains, water seeps in through the cracks. it's disgusting.

Something fun did happen though. Yesterday when Ryan woke up, I woke up too, but he told me to go back to sleep for another hour. I told him that I couldn't, so he took the handcuff off and told me to come with him. I followed and he brought me into the kitchen upstairs. He told me to sit down at the table, so I pulled out a chair and did so. He brought out a skillet, spatula and some eggs from the refridgerator. He said that he was fixing breakfast for the guys. I just nodded and watched.

While he was scrambling the eggs, I asked him if they had any spices. He said that they did and asked why I wanted to know. I told him that adding a certain blend of spices can make the food much more flavorful. He said that he was aware of that, so I asked if I could try something. "What are you wanting to try?" I told him I wanted to try mixing a certain blend of spices into the eggs to see if he liked it or not. He gave me the silliest look, but nodded anyway. "Sure..." I smiled and took out a few spices that work well together. Chives, parsley, tarragon and black pepper. I took down some salt too. I asked if he had milk, and he got it for me. I told him that adding milk makes the eggs fluffier. He just nodded as he kept watching and I kept cooking.

It was funny because Brad came in and said, "Ryan, what are you cooking?" Ryan pointed at me and said, "Ask her." I just waved at him. He came over next to me and looked in the skillet. "Eggs?" I told him that they were special extremely heatlhy eggs. "What's the difference between regular eggs and these eggs?" I pointed at the herbs I used. "Okay." He went and sat next to Ryan and they started talking. I wasn't paying attention. I had to make sure that they liked what I was cooking. Jason and Greg came in a moment later. Jason looked at me then at Ryan and back at me then shook his head. Greg just sat down. It was definitely interesting.

Well, when I was done cooking and they ate it, I was really nervous, but they loved it! I'm really happy they did. There is actually more to the recipe than just that, but they're ingredients I'm sure they wouldn't have. I used to fix breakfast for Casey when he would come home on holidays from the Air Force Academy. It was his favorite thing, but only my secret recipe.

I'm glad to be back with Sara though. Their clients seem to have stopped coming in for tonight. Chastity and Haley are out for the night. They'll be back in the morning around 7. Different people unfortunately. Sometimes you get lucky and they take you and someone else then you don't feel so lonely. They've been here quite some time though, so it's not an extremely big deal for them anymore.

It's just past 730, and I'm starting to get tired. I can't go to sleep until 10 though, just in case more come in.

I had a dream the other night about Emma. She was in here with me before Sara came. It was right after I got here. She was 18 at the time, 19 now I think, but she was sold to someone. She told me that at 18, they begin asking the strip clubs downtown in St. Paul and Minneapolis if they want to buy. If they turn the offer down then it goes to the highest bidder. In other words, they auction the girl off. A modern day slave trade if you ask me. If the girl doesn't sell there, they dispose of her. In lament's terms, she's killed. Emma told me how, and I think I wrote about it before. I just don't understand why I would dream of Emma all of a sudden. Sure, I miss her, and I hope she's okay, but I've tried pushing her out of my mind. Forgetting about her because I won't see her again.

I really am tired.