Of Truth and Trust

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Chapter 7


Sebastian hummed softly to himself as he flipped idly through the pages of his science text. As fascinating as the planets were, he wasn’t feeling particularly motivated to study at the moment. His eyes kept drifting to the figure of his roommate, leaning slightly over his desk as he worked on what must have been math, given the expression he wore. He smiled to himself. //He is adorable. And I must be wearing on him at least a little—I saw the face he gave me the other night with Walter. I really should have invited him to join.// “How go your studies, Nate?” he asked idly, scratching out a few notes.

He gave a great sigh, tipping his glasses down to rub at the bridge of his nose. “The one subject I really must to do well in would have to be the one I’m most abysmal at,” he said dryly with a brief glance at his roommate. “I am beginning to fear the finals we have in two weeks.”

Taking that as his cue Sebastian set his own book down, pushing gracefully to his feet. “Maybe I can help,” he suggested, coming up behind the boy. He leaned over Nathanial’s shoulder and placed one hand on the desk, the other on the back of his chair, putting them deliberately closer than Nathanial should have allowed. But before the boy could comment or protest he began pointing to the equation he was working on. “This part is wrong,” he corrected gently. “You can’t use this equation for a problem like this. It’s much easier if you draw yourself a diagram.”

Nathanial frowned, overwhelmed by the sudden closeness and immediate instructions. He shifted in his chair to put some distance between them as he examined his work. //Sebastian, is this another test?// He quickly began to sketch out the requested diagram, brow tense with concentration. “But this should fit into some equation,” he protested as he worked. “Father McKinney said there was one for this problem.”

“You’ll be able to work the equation better if you can visualize what you’re doing,” Sebastian explained. “Here—right out the amounts.” He continued to guide his roommate along, using the diagram to show how the numbers added up, how a formula could best be used to represent them. He was good at this—he had an excellent imagination for visualizing the root of problems, and numbers were all faand and common sense anyway. Meanwhile, he didn’t try to make up for the distance Nathanial had put between them. They were still close enough that Sebastian could feel the heat off his body, could smell the oil he used on his hair. It was enough. Abruptly he plucked Nathanial’s pencil out of his hand and made a few adjustments to the equation they’d made. “There. See?”

Nathanial quickly tried to make sense of the last marks his roommate had made, slowly nodding. “Yes…. Yes, I see,” he said with more conviction. “That’s much easier, thank you.” Offering a brief smile, he reached to take his pencil back.

Sebastian let him, nodding faintly. He did, however, manage to turn his hand so that their fingers scraped when Nathanial took his pencil back. “You’re welcome.” And just because they were so close he tilted his head, giving Nathanial’s temple a brief, affectionate kiss.

He ducked away, startled, and faced his roommate with surprise. Seeing only the calm smile Sebastian always wore, Nathanial unconsciously brushed the mark and shook his head. //This really was a test, wasn’t it.// He shifted, glancing back to his homework and feeling rather foolish that he couldn’t think of something to say.

Sebastian chuckled warmly at the boy’s confused reaction. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it,” he said lightly, laying a hand over Nathanial’s to hold it still. He moved his thumb slightly over the back of his palm. //Maybe it’s about time I really…helped him along.// “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Nathanial carefully retrieved his hand. “I’m fine,” he replied evenly. “Actually, I think I’ve studied enough.” Closing his book, he stood and moved towards his wardrobe. “I believe I’m going to take a bath before retiring.” //Why does it feel like I’m trying to escape? I’m not frightened of him….//

Sebastian watched him; though he was a little disappointed that Nathanial was running away, he couldn’t help a bit of triumph as well. //I did get to him, then.// He quirked an eyebrow. “Shall I join you?”

“If you wish to bathe it’s none of my business,” he replied in a light tone. Nathanial pulled out a thick bathing robe and draped it over his arm. “I shall not be long, though.”

“All right, then. I’ll be here.” With a curved smirk Sebastian flopped back onto his bed, stretching out. “Studying,” he added carelessly. //Or rather, perhaps imagining you in the bath. That will certainly be enough to entertain me until you get back.//

Nathanial nodded and left, knowing he’d have some things to think about before he returned.

He was gone a bit longer than he’d intended, and his mind was no clearer than it had been when he’d left. Of course, he had tried to keep his thoughts from his roommate, from the visions of him with Walter earlier that week. They left him confused and…uncomfortable. //But I can’t let him to mto me, whatever it is he’s doing. I am not so weak.// So he returned quickly to his room and entered.

Sebastian glanced up from his book; he was still lying on his back in bed, his text resting in his lap and propped up against his thighs. His eyes drifted with great attention over his roommate’s moistened body. “You look marvelous,” he commented with a slight grin, though his eyes were flashing almost deviously in the evening light of the room. “Did you enjoy your bath?”

Nathanial quickly avoided the other’s gaze. “It was pleasant enough,” he replied, turning to his wardrobe to hunt up his sleeping wear. “It was a bit loud, though, as most of the freshmen were in there.” He pulled out a pair of warm bottoms, keeping his robe on as he pulled them on.

Sebastian slid quickly to his feet and crossed the room. Perhaps he was being more obvious than was usually his style, but he wasn’t about to let an opportunity like this go to waste. In his socks he was able to move swiftly and silently enough to get to Nathanial before he had a chance to turn. He set his hands on the boy’s shoulders to hold him still, and leaned in just enough to touch his nose to soft, moist hair. “You smell good,” he chuckled.

He swiftly pulled his pants and ducked away from the other, though he wasn’t able to escape the hold on him. “Don’t,” he said simply, trying to turn and see the boy.

Sebastian laughed and let him go. He wasn’t going to apologize this time, though. “Are you all right?” he asked innocently. “You’ve been kind of tense lately. Ever since….” He trailed off, knowing that Nathanial would understand well enough.

“I’m fine,” he replied stiffly, putting some more distance between them so he could quickly slip into his shirt and button it up. “I am just…tired. That is all.” //Please do not do this. Not…until I can figure this out.//

But Sebastian wasn’t ready to relinquish this chance just yet. He stepped forward, taking Nathanial by the shoulder and turning him around, so they could face each other properly. “Have you been thinking about it?” he asked softly. His fingers skated briefly over Nathanial’s stomach. “How we…touched each other?”

Nathanial sternly pushed the hand away, though his moment of strength was partially ruined when he backed into the wall beside the door. His stomach quivered. “Stop it,” he said lowly. “I’m not playing one of your games, Sebastian.”

“I’m not playing,” Sebastian chuckled, pressing his hands up on either side of the boy. “I’m just curious, that’s all. You don’t always tell me everything you’re thinking. Like now.” He slid closer, until their bodies were nearly touching. “I wonder what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours. What’s making you tremble, Nathanial?” He tilted his head to the side. “Are you…frightened of me?”

His eyes narrowed. “I am not,” he replied with more strength than before. “And what I’m thinking is that you are trying to push me, and I don’t like it.” Nathanial lifted his chin and tried to keep his limbs from shivering. //Just back away, back away for a moment.// His stomach tightened again, and he curled his fingers against the wall.

“You don’t like it,” Sebastian repeated, as if not quite trusting the answer. He smiled. “And here I thought I was simply catering to your curiosity. Because I know you’ve wondered.” He didn’t try to move closer, but he swayed a little, as if he might. “They all wonder. What a kiss must be like—a touch. To have someone warm and sweet loving you.”

Nathanial finally reached up, setting his hands on the other’s shoulders and gradually pushing him back. “Maybe ‘they’ do,” he conceded, “but then ‘they’ go and find a respectable lady. That’s the way things go, how they are supposed to be.” His eyes slipped away without him meaning to, staring resolutely at the wardrobe. “I’m not like you.” //I’m not. I’m not…like that.//

Sebastian’s eyes narrowed slightly, but he was still grinning as he stepped back, allowing the boy room. “Maybe,” he conceded. “But things don’t always work out the way they’re ‘supposed’ to.” He turned, returning toward his bed. “I, for one, have no interest in respectable ladies.”

Nathanial closed his eyes. He…couldn’t move, couldn’t push away from the support of the wall. //Not the way…they’re supposed to….// He smoothed out his shirt as if to cover up the fact that his legs weren’t obeying him. //Sebastian, what have you done? Why can’t I….// Finally, he managed to shut his wardrobe doors and move towards his bed. //Why am I still shaking?// He silently climbed beneath the thick blankets, setting his glasses aside.

Sebastian glanced only briefly over his shoulder. //You’ll wonder, now, won’t you?// he thought triumphantly. Without another word he began to undress, laying the clothes over the end of his bed. //And you may think me cruel, for a while, until you understand. You’re smart, Nathan—you’ll understand.// He stripped down to his underwear and slipped beneath his own covers, laying his textbook aside. “Goodnight, Nate,” he called casually. //And sweet dreams.//

“Goodnight,” he responded automatically, staring at the wall as the lights went out. He continued to watch the darkness long after he heard his roommate settling down.

//I’m so confused.//

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Nathanial found a rare moment to himself the weekend before finals—he spent so much time in study groups, it seemed as though his life consisted of nothing else. He didn’t mind; he even welcomed the busyness, as it kept him from worrying about Sebastian. Now, though, he had some time before dinner, and there was a letter he’d received from home that would probably be best opened in privacy.

Sitting on his bed, Nathanial carefully tore open the envelope and pulled out the brief, scrawled letter. He began to read, paused, and moved through it again, slowly.

::“…Your stepmother and I have made a change of plans for the holiday and will be out of the city. This would, of course, require that you remain on campus for the break….”

“…We have recently been informed that your stepmother is with child….”

“…We have been making arrangements for you to stay with a distant cousin over the summer….”::

Nathanial lowered the letter to his lap, feeling something heavy and thick settle in his chest. It suddenly felt like…too many things were changing. He’d been expecting to go home, had perhaps even been looking forward to the solitude and peace, but….

Sebastian flung the door open with a flourish and a sigh, with a toss of his arm sending his bag of books sailing across the room to his bed. “Ah, sweet education,” he emoted sarcastically. “Would that I could live all my life trapped in algebra and roman politics.” He swept inside, but when he saw the expressions crossing Nathanial’s face he paused, frowning. “Is something the matter? You’ve lost all your color.”

Nathanial quickly folded the letter, returning it first to its envelope and then his pocket. “I am well,” he replied, smoothing back his hair. “I have just received some news from home, is all.” He tried a light smile and didn’t feel it falter. “It seems I will be staying over the holiday after all—I shall have to inform Father Thompson after dinner.”

“Hmm?” //I can read you better than that, you know.// “Are you all right with that?” Sebastian asked, setting a hand on his hip. “It’s not what you were expecting.”

He nodded. “True, it is not, but there is little I can do now, right?” Nathanial stood, pulling out his own books to be ready to study after they ate. “My father writes that they will not be in town. You are staying here, are you not?” He was starting to feel shaken again, though now it wasn’t Sebastian’s fault.

“I am,” he confirmed, still watching the other carefully. //Though somehow it doesn’t seem like I’m the one that’s worrying you yet.// “I don’t suppose there is anything I can do…?” he offered gentlemanly. No one could ever blame him for not making enough of an effort.

Nathanial immediately shook his head. “Thank you, but I’m afraid not.” He set about organizing his texts in what was probably a useless manner, but he needed to be doing something. “It is probably all for the best, anyway. It would be foolish for me to stay in the home alone and troublesome to take me with them. Yes, it is best this way.” //The best way…. This way, they do not have to even think about me at all. They can enjoy the holiday together….//

Sebastian moved at last to his bed, straightening the things he’d so carelessly tossed earlier. “Well, I’m sorry,” he said sincerely. “I know you must be disappointed. But this place isn’t so bad over the break—quiet, but not altogether unpleasant. Christopher is going home, but I’ve heard that Martin and Samuel will still be here. It’ll be hard to be too lonely with them about.”

Nathanial finally gave up on is books and sat in his desk chair. “I believe you’re probably right,” he murmured, staring at the floor as he thought for a long moment. He knew he shouldn’t tell anybody, let alone Sebastian. What would the other boy do, if he did? But before he could settle his confirmations, Nathanial found his lips parting without him. “My stepmother is expecting,” he blurted out softly, still watching the floor and ashamed of himself for his lack of restraint.

Sebastian was given pause, and he turned to glance over his shoulder at the boy. His demeanor was calm, even, and understanding. //You will have your brother then. Is that not what you wanted?// He smiled grimly. //I know how it feels.// “You don’t sound entirely pleased.”

He shook himself at the other’s words, trying to regain some composure. “No, I am. It’s wonderful news—they’ve been trying for a while, I understand….” He smoothed back his hair. “I’m sure my father must be very pleased, especially if it turns out to be a son.” Nathanial felt his smile wane slightly. //At last, he will have the true son that he’s always wanted.//

Sebastian watched him, as if waiting for more; when Nathanial didn’t offer anything else right away he stood, moving across the room to sit on the edge of his roommate’s bed. “You’d have a brother, then,” he reasoned, still keeping a close eye on Nathanial’s face for whatever hint of an expression he might bear. “It must be something of a shock.”

//A shock…?// Nathanial shook his head faintly. “It is not so much that—I knew they would eventually decide on the appropriate time to start having children. Clarisse shall be happy now.” //Stop—you’re saying too much again. This is not something that concerns him.// He straightened in his chair and tugged at his shirt. “Excuse me. I…should not be bothering you with such talk, and I need to be studying.”

“I don’t mind,” Sebastian answered sincerely. “The truth is, I may understand more than you think. Peter is not my only brother, after all.” He pushed to his feet once more and started back towards his bed. He wasn’t trying to be mysterious—not really. It was just his way.

Nathanial paused and glanced up. //He…has a half brother as well?// He wanted to ask—this was another piece of the puzzle his roommate made up—but his better sense was telling him such talk was inappropriate, especially…knowing what he did about the other. //He’s always said I should just ask, so….// “I see. Then…your father…?”

“…Bred another before me, yes,” Sebastian filled in, setting his books onto his desk. His bag he hung over his bedpost. “Along with the woman he lawfully married. But don’t worry—I’m sure you’ll at least get to meet the lad when he’s born, unlike me.” He flopped into his chair. It didn’t really bother him that he had a brother—he barely gave the matter any thought, even. It would, after all, be only one more person in his life to spite. “You shouldn’t be too concerned with it. At best you’ll be a caring older brother to him, and at worst you’ll hardly see him at all and have no trouble from it. There’s no use fretting.”

//Lawfully married…. Then he, and his brother, are bastards.// Nathanial fell still, staring at his desk. //He must be here on his father’s money—a rich father with a wife…who would be shamed if it is found he has two bastard sons.// He was reminded suddenly of his roommate’s book—lists of names, secrets he used to “protect himself.”

//He’s blackmailing his father,// Nathanial realized with a start. //His father is paying for Sebastian’s schooling to keep him quiet, and then Sebastian will be able to care for his mother and brother….// He shivered suddenly. //If my father indeed has a son, he will name him the heir, and ll bll be left to myself…like Sebastian.//

When Nathanial still did not reply he turned once more, frowning. The boy looked very quiet and still. //Are you so horrified to know what I am? Certainly not.// He rested his chin on the back of his chair. //What troubles you now, Nathanial?// “Is there something else?” he asked abruptly. “You still look pensive.”

He looked up, finally meeting the other’s eyes. //We are not so different then. Perhaps…I am coming to understand you? At last….// Nathanial shook his head faintly. “I am merely thinking,” he replied softly, “that…perhaps…we might have more in common than I originally thought.”

A slow smile made its way across Sebastian’s features. “Does it frighten you?” he asked plainly. “To find yourself allied with a bastard and a scoundrel? Don’t worry, Nathan—there is still much that separates us.” He turned back around in his chair to begin his own studies.

Nathanial continued to watch the other. //You cannot fool me so easily now. No one else knows this much about you, right? You cannot ignore me.// “Maybe I am frightened, a little,” he admitted honestly. //If I am truthful with him, he will be the same for me.// “I am used to being alone, but now I will have to be on my own as well.” He turned at last and picked up his algebra book. “I suppose it is time I grew up a bit.”

“Your father will continue your schooling, at least,” Sebastian offered, “until you are graduated. You can be sure of that—it would disgrace him to do otherwise.” He knew that wasn’t exactly what Nathanial was probably thinking, but it might put him to ease at least. His smile grew somewhat bitter as he lay open his texts. “It’s not like he’ll abandon you to become a whore.”

Nathanial felt himself falter again. //Is that…how you see yourself?// He shifted in his chair and peered over his shoulder. “Are you saying you don’t want to…do all that? The other students…. Is that just to keep in school?” //Are you really not…a homosexual?//

Sebastian blinked, and then was laughing so hard he nearly fell out of his chair. “Nathan, you really are adorable,” he chided humorously. “I sleep with the other students because I love it. If all I was after was material for blackmail, I could have easily gained enough leverage with merely two or three of the teachers, which I’ve had all along.” He ran a hand back through his hair. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m no martyr.”

Flushing, Nathanial returned to his books. “Excuse me,” he mumbled. “I should have known—you never seem to do anything you wouldn’t want to.” He opened his text and sternly told himself to start studying even though he knew he would not have an easy time of it.

Still chuckling Sebastian returned to his own as well. //Though…perhaps that’s not quite right either, Nathanial. Maybe someday you’ll understand.// “That’s not entirely true. I am, after all, about to study classical Latin.” He rolled his eyes as he paged through the book to the poem they’d been working on in class.

Nathanial smiled. //I do not think you would do well as a martyr, Sebastian.// He was suddenly feeling warmer towards his roommate, and he spun around in his chair. “Then let us make a deal: I will assist you with your Latin, if you will again lend me your skills with this horrible mathematics chapter.”

Sebastian glanced back with a curved eyebrow. “Deal,” he agreed instantly, trying not to smirk too horribly. //If it means you’ll let me closer to you.//

Something in him flickered oddly with those thoughts, and he shook himself slightly to throw it off. //He is adorable, after all. In the right setting…he could be beautiful.// He lifted his book off the desk. “Should we move to the bed where there’s more room?”

//He won’t try anything,// he immediately told himself. //And if he does, I shall simply correct him, like before.// Perhaps he wasn’t being as careful as he would normally have been, but…he already felt closer to the other after what had just passed. So with a nod he stood and moved to his bed. He sat with his back to the wall so it would leave plenty of room for the other boy. “Let’s start with Latin.”

“I’m most grateful.” Victorious, Sebastian gathered his things and skipped across the room to join him—he bounced lightly on the mattress on Nathanial’s right side. //He bed is a little stiffer than mine. It gets less work.// Humming to himself he showed his roommate the poem from his assignment. “I’ve been having a little trouble with this section,” he admitted, pointing out the third line.

Nathanial bent over the text, reading through the whole thing quickly before focusing on the specific line. “Ah, I think I can guess what the problem is.” He pointed out a specific word and began to explain its root and how it was being conjugated. Once that wade ade clearer, Nathanial continued to go through the different poems, letting Sebastian do his best to figure it out before assisting. By the time they were about halfway through, he’d practically forgotten the note still sitting in is pocket, or even that he was close enough to the other that their shoulders kept brushing.

//He really is soft.// Sebastian smiled slightly to himself as he continued to make his way through the poetry. He was taking advantage of their situation at every opportunity: catching quick glances as Nathanial’s gentle profile; breathing in the sharp aroma of his hair; shifting every once in a while so that their arms or knees would brush. It was a quiet, intimate kind of excitement that had settled in him, the kind he hadn’t felt since perhaps his days with Christopher. //I like it, though. He’s a simple boy—he’s best like this.//

Nathanial finally began to notice the little looks and touches, though he didn’t comment or react to them. Strangely, he didn’t mind the contact. It…was almost nice,n, jn, just being close to someone. He couldn’t remember ever really having such a thing, and a soft smile curled his lips as he continued to calmly explain their current problem verb.

Some time later, they’d managed to finish the assigned poems—along with a few practice verses, for Sebastian’s sake. When finally they’d decided the work was finished he slumped with an exaggerated sigh against Nathanial’s shoulder. “Ahh…I am glad that I’ll have no need for Latin as a bureaucrat,” he mumbled, flipping the book shut. He straightened reluctantly. “But thank you, Nathan, for you help. I feel I have something of a better grasp on it now.”

His smile strengthened. “Do not give up on me yet,” he teased. “You still have to assist me with this mathematics horror.” Nathanial pulled his own book into his lap and looked to the other expectantly. “I’m afraid I still do not understand factoring.”

“Oh, it’s much more simple than it looks,” Sebastian promised, scooting a little closer so he could indicate the problems in the book once Nathanial had found the correct page. Relieved to be on a subject he understood well he began to guide Nathanial through the exercises, giving out tips when he could. He was even more pleased that his roommate didn’t seem bothered by the closeness, and hadn’t yet tried to protest or correct any of his tiny advances.

Nathanial worked through the problems with more and more confidence; Sebastian’s explanations were simple and easy to follow, and it wasn’t long before he could complete one on his own. Pleased, he moved on to another area. It took a bit longer than the Latin did, and he was beginning to grow tired. Nathanial reached up and lifted his glasses to rub briefly at his eyes. “I think I’m starting to get it,” he admitted, “though the numbers are beginning to swim in front of me.”

Sebastian chuckled beside him. “It’s all right—as long as you understand the basics, you should be able to work everything out well enough in tomorrow’s class. Good work tonight.” And just because the air was still light and friendly he tilted his head to nuzzle Nathanial’s temple. “And thanks again, for helping me with mine.”

Feeling his cheeks redden, Nathanial quickly replaced his glasses. “You’re welcome,” he replied, closing his book and setting it aside. “It’s…getting late, right? We should get ready for bed.” Not sure why his limbs were moving so slowly, he began to push away from the wall.

“Shh.” Sebastian set his hand over the boy’s wrist, halting him. //Not yet. I’m not letting you go yet.// He smiled against Nathanial’s scalp so that his lips brush faintly against warm, soft skin. “Shh, be still a moment, and you’ll hear it.”

Nathanial paused, fighting the urge to duck away from the other. “Hear…what?” he asked, staring across the room as his fingers curled. //What game are you playing now, Sebastian?//

Sebastian lifted the boy’s hand, pressing it against his own chest. “Shh. Can you feel it?” he said in little more than a whisper against Nathanial’s cheek. He turned his body slightly inward—but just slightly, not wanting to frighten him off just yet. “Your own heartbeat?”

Nathanial frowned, glanced down at his hand. “Sebastian….” //It’s happening again—my stomach is already twisting. What is he doing?// He tried to lean away from the other a bit, though not quite enough to escape the press of warm skin against his face. “What are you getting at?” he asked softly.

“Just this,” Sebastian told him, holding the boy’s hand firmly to his chest. “If you really want to understand me better, listen very closely, Nathanial. Feel it.” With his free hand he tipped Nathanial’s chin back just enough to press a gentle kiss to his throat.

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