To Become

1:13pm - Punishment

Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Ryan says that since I was bad, he's not feeding me for a week. Not only that. He's making me work again. And there's more! I'm still stuck sleeping on the floor downstairs. It's so cold down there. And it's supposed to rain all night! The basement always has water creep in. I'll probably wake up all wet and sneezing.

I'm happy though. He noticed me finally. I got something out of him even if he's being really mean right now. Yes, I'm happy. I don't feel so lonely.

Oh I forgot one thing that he's going to do sometime today most likely. He said that he had to seriously punish me for what I did so he's going to whip me. I'm not too happy about that. I don't remember much about the last time. I remember it at least which is good, but all I know is that it hurt. Really bad. He said 100. That's a lot... Maybe he'll do it throughout the day! Yeah right. Besides, that would hurt more.

My life is a mess.

Oh about the other night. Nick came in. I don't know if I mentioned him before, but he's one of Ryan's friends. I recognized him easily. I hate him so much. Ryan must have called him. Nothing serious happened like I thought it would. He came in..."fucked" me for a while. At least a few hours. I know he wasn't done until past midnight because I saw his watch and it was around 12:10. He's always really rough so of course there was blood. I hate it when I see him SO MUCH! Not to mention, he likes to slap me around which is just mean. He's completely brutal and I never want to see him again. Yeah right...like that will happen. I bet Ryan called him to tell him to go over as part of my punishment. Wouldn't put it past him.

So once he left, no one came in for a while. Then when I had finally just gotten to sleep, Greg opens the door. He came over to ask me if I was okay. I said no. He said that he had to do something so I said whatever. The mattress has like hooks in it and he put my hands above my head and tied me to it. At this time, I really didn't care what he had to do until he put duck tape over my mouth. For reference journal, duck tape doesn't work very well. I guess he didn't need it to though. I did learn something through this though, Greg smokes. I knew Ryan and Brad did but not Greg. I mean he is a doctor. Doctors know better. But anyway, Greg brought a cigarette out and lit it. By that time I knew what he was going to do but I just laid there. I figured, might as well get it over with. I did get his attention before he started and he pulled the tape off my mouth so I could talk. Can Ryan do it? "You don't want him to. Trust me." Then he put the tape back over my mouth and I tried to just concentrate on my breathing but it hurt so badly! I didn't keep track of how many times he placed that stupid cigarette to my skin, but he kept going until the cigarette was gone and he put it out with my skin too. I know Ryan told him to do it.

After though, Greg put ointment on the burns after releasing my arms and taking the tape off my mouth. He said I did good and that he would tell Ryan. I asked him if he would stay with me until Ryan got back but he said no. Then he just left.

I would have wrote yesterday, but remember that closet downstairs journal? He had me in there all day. It got so cold! He brought me upstairs and put me in a bath. The water was really hot, but it felt good too at the same time. Ryan cleaned me up and then he took me back to that one room and laid me on the mattress. That's when he told me about how he was going to punish me. I think he was surprised that when he finished I didn't complain. I just said okay.

After he left, I couldn't sleep. I did maybe for a couple of hours before he woke me up and told me it was morning and time to get ready.

Now I'm here. I'm surprised I've had this much time to write journal. All the men that usually come here for me I guess really missed me or something. They've commented on the burns and bruises though. Asked if I got myself into trouble. I nodded.

I still have bad bruises from what Alex did. Where Ryan shot me, it's healed up a lot. Antonio did a really good job on treating it. I miss talking to Francesca. I wonder if she's okay with what her husband and son do. Maybe she doesn't know. Or maybe she just pretends that they aren't involved with illegal things. Maybe she's just used to it.

Knew I wouldn't have that long to keep writing. Got a customer. I'll write later. But I do have to put this. Ryan just dealed $300 for me. He better buy me something with that. I still want a dog...

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3:35pm - Freezing

I swear, Ryan better give me a blanket tonight or I'll scream until he does. It's freezing. I'm going to end up freezing to death because of him. My fingernails are purple and I'm shivering. I want him to hold me. I should go up to him and say, Ryan let's have sex. He'd then probably have Greg check to see if I have a fever.

Good grief! Is sex all that is in a man's mind!

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10:41pm - Trouble

I got in trouble again. I never figured that telling a man to stop for a minute would get me in trouble! It never did before. It's just that I had never been with this man before, and he was hurting me so I just told him to stop for a minute. And then he told Ryan and he got mad at me. Probably because he was already mad at me so it made it a big deal.

So the man left and then Ryan grabbed my arm and took me into the punishment room as we call it. All he does is push me down and tell me not to move. I tried explaining but he kicked me. I could have sworn he broke one of my ribs, but Greg said it was just bruised. Anyway, I just laid still after that and waited while Ryan did whatever he was doing which was absolutely nothing. He was trying to freak me out.

Almost 10:30. I'm tired, hungry, cold. He's torturing me. This should be illegal. It is illegal!

Sorry journal. Dazed off for a minute there. Okay, more like seven minutes. Just listening to Greg and Ryan argue over me. Gotta love it.

I'm going to try to sleep. On this cold, hard, slightly wet cement floor.

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11:59pm - Nick

It hurts too much. I didn't think Ryan would ever let him, but he said that he didn't care and then just turned his back to me. Nick came over and Ryan asked if he wanted me for a while and he said sure. Then Ryan told him that he could do whatever. I'm thinking, what! You don't tell Nick that! He went, you know journal, backwards. I kicked out at him. He was being really rough again. I swear, he was TRYING to make it hurt. He just laughed. He must be a dacriphyliac. I don't even know if I spelled that right. I asked Ryan once why one guy told me that he wanted me to cry. He called it dacriphyllia. I think that's what he said. If that's not it, I'm putting out some other weird fetish.

I'm sixteen! I shouldn't know this stuff! Almost midnight. I can't sleep. Ryan is still downstairs with Brad and Jason. Greg left a while ago. Be right back journal. I need to get Ryan's attention.

He told me to shut up and go to sleep! That's so rude! I told him that I couldn't sleep, and he said, not my problem. Why does he have to act so cold toward me now?

I just sneezed. Not again! RYAN!

Ack.

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A/N:
Very long chapter! and I really need to get to bed. R&R. Love ya all!