Unintended

CHAPTER 6

I am attracted to Sam.

For a few seconds I let that thought run through my mind...

Attracted to Sam-attracted to Sam-attracted to Sam-attracted to Sam-attracted to Sam-attracted to Sam- attracted to Sam-attracted to Sam…

AHHH!

I can't deal with this right now, I CAN'T. God, I feel a panic attack approaching.

I looked at Sam again, saw the defeated posture, heard his sad sigh, and even though I wanted with all my being to walk over to him, I refused; because even though I realized my feelings - I also realized that I needed to get out of there, before I'll do something I'll reallyregret later. So I managed to tear my eyes off him, turned around and walked slowly and quietly towards the door.

I need to clear my head.

The way down to my car flew by in a daze, I felt weird – probably in shock – but I just couldn't contain this terrifying truth.

Attracted to Sam. Why?

I mean, I never felt something like this before – towards a guy of course – and the question 'why?' just kept nagging me.

Damn, I have no idea why. Leave me alone!

I walked outside, took a big breath and just felt the air fill me…

God, I'm such a girl.

I shook my head for a minute, and when I felt a little less girly and more normal I got into my car and left.

While I drove to Anna's place I tried to clear my mind. I didn't want to think about this all thing, I needed time to let it sink! But my efforts were all in vain, and soon I began to analyze it all again. And then the worst happened - I felt "Evil Jessie" and "Angel Jessie" coming out.

Shit, not again.

The last time they came out was in high school, when I decided what collage to go to. They didn't help me that much actually; my decision wasn't all that wise…

But that's another story! Back to business Jess.

I tried for a few minutes to make them go away, but the bastards just refused to leave. And I was probably still in shock 'cause I gave in to my faith and just let the two lecture me. "Angel Jessie" was first for some reason, god, I'm too tired for this…

'Jess, stay away from this man! You're a good boy, what'll your mama say? She will be devastated. And your dad? He'll go nuts! You must stay in the good path Jess. Avoid this man, you have Anna and…'

'Oh, fuck this nonsense!' "Evil Jessie" suddenly joined the conversation and I could almost see "Angel Jessie" give him a disapproving look

'Listen baby, this feelings, what if you'll never feel them again? Do you really want to miss this opportunity? Who knows you better then me! I know how you want to touch that big body, run your fingers through that shiny black hair, stare into those blue eyes, feel those big hands touch your…"

"Wait, I'm sonot ready to hear that out loud yet!" I said panicky.

'Fine! You know what I mean, don't you? Explore those feelings, you deserve it.'Evil finished.

He's kind of right actually, this attraction – it's possible that it's the strongest attraction I've ever felt…

'Oh, be quiet you big bully! Jess, think of your family, of Anna, your future! Do you see yourself with a man?"

Well, Angel was kind of right too, I mean if I let myself act upon it - It'll change my all life…

'Now listen baby, don't listen to that innocent bitch, we both know that…' Evil started again.

'Oh no! I won't let you sway him to the dark path, you…'Angel tried to answer.

"Oh, shut up both of you! Give me some rest!" I yelled, 'cause really, the last thing I needed was a fight inside my fucking head.

Again I could almost see them glaring at me as they went back to…well, where they came from I guess. AH! And don't come back!

Fuck, I'm actually talking to myself.

Maybe I need a shrink.

And while I was busy organizing my thoughts I didn't even notice that I was driving to my apartment instead of Anna's.

---

"Jess? Where the hell are you?" Anna yelled at me as soon as I answered my phone.

"Ummm, you see… that…"

"You know how worried I was? I thought you got into an accident and…" She actually started to sob.

That's notgood

"Anna, honey, listen, I have this terrible headache and I really need some rest… I drove home 'cause I didn't want to bother you, I would be a horrible companion right now…"

"But 4 hours? And you didn't pick up your phone! I was worried sick! You so owe me for this…" Damn, she's angry.

"I'm so sorry; I just took these pills and fell asleep. I didn't hear anything! I'm sorry, forgive me? Please," yes, it was time to bring out the big guns – the pleas.

She sniffed and then answered "Alright! But only because you sound pretty bad…do you want me to come over? How do you feel now?" Nowshe sounded worried.

Women.

"Its ok, I just need some good sleep, can I talk to you tomorrow?" I asked sweetly.

"Fine, but call me when you wake up! Or else…" I'm pretty sure she smirked as she said it.

"I won't dare!" I promised as always."Goodnight."

"Night! Love you!" she hung up.

I sighed.

When I arrived to my apartment earlier I was so wrapped up in my recent discoveries and the angel-evil talk that I forgot I was supposed to be at Anna's. And because my head was about to explode, I took some painkillers and fell asleep on the fucking couch.

God, my back is killing me.

Note to self – do not sleep on the couch.

Anyway, eventually I woke up by the phone, it was Anna of course. Then I realized my mistake.

OMG, 15 unanswered calls.

10 from Anna and 5 from Sam. Also 7 messages – mostly Anna asking 'where the fuck are you?' and threading 'you are so paying for this.' But one message belonged to Sam 'mate, where are you? You took off so suddenly I was worried. Anna is also worried; call me when you see this.'

Yeah right. As if I would call the cause of this all fiasco.

And then of course - like his purpose in life was simply to torture me – my cell rang again and it was Sam. I stared at my cell for a few minutes…

Oh, I'm sonot ready to talk to him.

I turned off my cell and walked to my bedroom, the last thing I needed was falling asleep on the couch again. I washed my face, changed to my PJS and lay in my bed. Time to sleep!

20 minutes passed and I found myself in the same position – staring at my ceiling. It was weird, I mean I was tired, but this time I couldn't stop myself from thinking about Sam. I remembered his big blue eyes, his perfect smile, his hard body…

NONONONO!

Sleep Jess! Everything will look better in the morning!

I tried again, I closed my eyes, counted sheep, but my mind refused to sleep. I think the thing that worried me the most was not the physical attraction, it was bigger. Those feeling I felt when I watched Sam earlier that evening were not sexual in the least.

They were deeper then that. And I was terrified.

---

"God, baby, this was such an awesome idea! We so needed this quality time." Anna said to me while we were sitting in a café the day after my big breakdown.

You might ask yourself how we ended up sitting there…well, it all started when I woke up earlier that day…

The first thought that crossed my mind was 'Thank god, it's Sunday' 'cause really I slept like shit that night, the second one was 'Shit, the problem is still here'. The said problem was of course the same one that bothered me the night before.

Sam-fucking-Grey.

I got out of bed and checked my phone, another 3 unanswered calls from Sam. For a minute I felt a pang of guilt, I mean the poor man got nothing to do with it…well actually he got a lot to do with it, but its not hisfault…fuck this is so messed up.

I walked to the bathroom, took a quick shower and brushed my teeth. After I felt more like a human being – although I stayed with my PJS – I walked to the kitchen to get me some reallyneeded coffee. Julie was standing in the kitchen drinking some of her own coffee and reading some magazine, she looked up as she saw me coming in.

"Hard night?" she asked.

You have no idea.

"Something like that." I simply said and started making me my own coffee.

Ungrateful brat, she could have made some for me too.

"I saw you sleeping on the couch when I came in last night; you looked like, dead or something. Did something happen?" She looked at me. "You're still looking like a zombie actually."

Ah, thank you for that Julie.

I finished making my coffee and sat down next to her in my small table. "Just a headache," I said shortly, there's no way in hell I'm telling her anything else.

"Are you better now?" She asked.

"Yeah, I'm good."

"Great, 'cause you need to drive me to the airport in….2 hours," she said cheerfully.

Fuck me.

"Of course," I murmured.

"Can we stop at Anna's first? I want to say goodbye…" she asked

"Sure."

"Yay! I'm going to finish packing." She beamed at me and skipped away.

Urgh, damn you Julie! I was hoping for some nice, quite, quality time…

Wait... quality time! I'm a genius.

I ran to my bedroom and picked up my phone. I quickly dialed Anna's number and listened to the dial tone…

This is what I need. Spending some quality time with Anna, it's perfect. It will help me remember how much I care for her, and more importantly, how much I like girlsin general. It will help me forgot all those weird feelings, and Sam Grey.

"Hey there stranger! How are we feeling this morning?"Anna said as she picked up, she sounded it a good mood. Perfect.

"Much better! Listen, I have this awesome idea!" I said cheerfully "How about spending some quality time together? And I don't mean just dinner or lunch, I mean the entire day."

"Uhm sound fun to me, I got nothing planned. But what brought this up honey?" She asked curiously.

"Well, it's just that it's been a while since we spent such a long time together, it's always dinner, or lunch, or simply sleep over." I continued excitedly "this is what I thought, I'm going to drop Julie at the airport in 2 hours and she wants to say goodbye to you before that, so I'll stop at your place, pick you up, and after we drop her off we will go and have some lunch, walk in the park, see a movie, stuff like that….what do you think?"

"Sounds great baby, I'm in!" she said "you're the best boyfriend ever, you know that?"

Uhm, I'm not so sure about that…

"Well… you know... I try HAHA" I said nervously "so be ready in 2 hours?"

"Sure, see ya!" she hung up.

YAY! This is exactly what I need right now. I did a little happy dance and walked to the kitchen again.

"Jess! Have you seen my photos? They're awesome! Sam is like my godfrom now on, I should call him before I leave." Julie said happily with her photos in her hand.

And again, thank you for that Julie. Just what I needed, to be reminded of Sam Grey.

---

Anyway so this is how we got to this café. After we dropped Julie off we did just what I planned - we walked in the park and around the city, had some lunch, watched a pretty bad movie, had dinner and ended up in this café having some coffee, and milkshake.

I would sum up this day as a pretty good one, I had fun with Anna, it was just like the old days, and the best thing about it was that I didn't think about Sam Grey even once. HAHA!

Wait, I just did.

Fuck, well it doesn't count.

"Oh, btw, are you mad at Sam for some reason?" Anna asked out of the blue.

Hell, here goes my not-thinking-about-Sam day.

"No! Not at all! Wh..why do you ask?" I asked her nervously.

"Well, Sam called me earlier and asked if I managed to talk to you, 'cause you didn't return his calls…"

Shit.

"Ummm, you see… it's nothing. It's just that…with the headache and all, I didn't feel like talking to anyone, but you of course." Man, I sure can lie pretty smoothly.

"I see, then talk to him later, he's pretty worried."

Oh, I don't think so.

"Of course." I continued to lie with a smile.

She beamed at me "you're the best," she said, and continued to drink her milkshake.

An hour later we ended our 'couple' day when we got to my apartment.

"Thanks for today, it was perfect." Anna said as we got out of my car, then she gave me a soft kiss and a hug. I hugged her back, and for the 100th time that day I realized that I still care for her, I'm still attracted to her, I still can sleep with her later. I still want her. This thing, with Sam, I can resist it, and I will. It's for the best.

Afterwards we reached my apartment, and as I unlocked my door I realized I forgot my cell in my car. "Shit, I forgot my cell, go inside I'll be right back." I said to Anna.

"Alright, don't be too long." She said with a seductive smile.

I smiled back and left.

I walked to my car with a smile on my face, determinate to do as I decided, to avoid Sam and ignore any kind of emotions I might have for him, it would go away, I was positive. I reached my car and found my cell on the driver seat.

Damn, did I seat on it?

As I tried to remember if I did I heard someone scream my name.

"JESS!"

I turned around and saw none other then Sam Grey running towards me.

Oh, god is so not fond of me these days. Now I know it for sure.

Ok Jess, be strong, you can do it!

I walked towards Sam and gave him a polite smile "Sam." I simply said.

When he reached me he stopped and panted a little "thank god I caught you! I was worried 'cause I couldn't reach you."

I allowed myself a moment to look at him. He looked tired, his hair was messy like he ran his hand through it a few times, and his eyes – they looked at me with a desperate look.

I ignored the pang I felt in my chest.

"Oh that, HAHA. You see, I had a terrible headache and you were on the phone and I didn't want to interrupt, so I just left. It's no big deal, really." Again I managed to smile at him. "So, I'm ok as you can see, you can go now! Bye!" I said with a fake cheer and turned around towards my building.

But before I managed to walk away he grabbed my arm and turned me back around.

"Don't grab me!" I said angrily and snatched my arm out of his hold.

Suddenly he didn't look so desperate, actually he looked angry. "So don't walk away from me and tell me what's wrong! That fake smile doesn't work on me."

"I don't know what you're talking about, I said that everything is ok, and you don't have any right grab me like that! Go home Sam." I gave him my epic glare and started to turn around.

"NO! Wait! Just…" again he sounded desperate. And because I couldn't help myself I stopped.

"Please, just…I need to know…if it's because…if you feel something…" he gave me a lost look.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Just…I need to know if it's all in my head…even if it won't mean anything I just need to know if you feel anything…" he gave me an intense look "for me." He finished.

For a few minutes - that felt like forever actually - we stared at each other.

He knows, he can see it. But what should I do?

I made a decision earlier today; I'm going to keep it.

"As I said, I have no idea what you're talking about, so I guess that it's all in your head." I said and stared at him for a few seconds. At first his eyes looked like they were searching something in my eyes, but then they stopped and filled with understanding. "I see." He said.

"Go home Sam." I said again and turned around, and as I walked I could feel him staring at me with those intense blue eyes of his.

Again, I ignored the pang I felt in my chest.

---

The angst is here!