Carnival without Lights

Jesse left the apartment early the next morning, telling Rupert that he had work—which wasn’t a complete lie, he did have a job on the off days that he didn’t work at the shop, but the store was closed every third Tuesday of the month. He wandered down the street that was filled with the mist of morning and the chill in the air was unbecoming and irritating. Jesse wished he lived somewhere warmer…more than that, he wished he wasn’t an idiot.

So what if Rupert pushed things? It was no reason to break down like a hurt little girl and go blabbing about what had happened with Daniel. What really happened didn’t sound like the explanation that he’d given Rupert. Sure, Daniel convinced him to quit his job and to move in with him, so what? That wasn’t anything big. Daniel wanted to spend more time together, and most of the time it was enjoyable. They went out, had dinner, had lunch, had /normal/ sex, had a nice little life together. It was Jesse’s own fault that he started failing his classes and his parents decided they weren’t going to help pay if he was just going to fail. Daniel offered, but Jesse refused and dropped out for awhile to spend more time with Daniel. Daniel didn’t see asking Jesse to quit his job as a way of trapping him forever and ever amen, right? Jesse didn’t know, but it wasn’t as bad as he had made it sound…

Everything sounded worse when you cut out the little details. Saying that Daniel had virtually cut him off from the world was unfair—there had been steps leading up to it. It only got /really/ bad during the last couple of years. Daniel got carried away more and more often because he really got in to making those movies to sell. They made a lot of money together selling those clips—they had a good camera. But each film left Jesse feeling more and more…it wasn’t dirty…the word was…humiliated, used, worthless…he felt /degraded/ each time they’d get money wired into their account—Daniel’s account.

Daniel had asked him once, during the fourth year, “Jess, do you not want to make the videos anymore? We don’t really need that extra money and if you’re not comfortable then…we can just go back to you and me.” But Daniel hadn’t really meant it and Jesse knew it. So he’d said “It’s fine, Daniel. I don’t care.” Even though he really wanted it to go back to just Jesse and Daniel’s “home movies”, no third party viewers…

He’d had a chance to change it back, but he’d let Daniel keep going. He wondered, honestly, if Daniel would have stopped like he said, or if he’d just keep going like that time…

That last time…and the span of time after it… Not a single kind word was said after that. Not one. No “Sorry, I thought you were still playing along!” or “Yeah, I was too harsh. I’m really sorry, Jess.”

That video of that “last time” had made so damn much money though…/Hundreds/ in the first week alone. It generated as much hate mail as it did money.

/How can you treat your sub like that?! It’s just abuse!/

/Disgusting!/

/Uh…hello? Can’t you hear him screaming?

/Sick fucks!/

/I can feel that from all the way over here…what’s your problem, Dan?/

/Woh that’s too brutal for my taste./

/I was a fan of your guys’ vids until I saw this./

But what was that one? There was a really good one, a really good flame that Jesse smiled at the moment he saw it. Something about blood and welts and…oh, what the hell was the damn thing?

Well, he could always go and check. He knew the web address to the video by heart and he looked over the comments page occasionally just to see what people were saying… He didn’t go there to watch the video…no. He had a solid copy lying around somewhere. He used to torture himself with it when he considered going back to Daniel during their first week apart. Watching solely the last five minutes was enough to make his stomach churn. Watching it all of the way through was impossible.

Sometimes he tried to think that Daniel thought that his begging was just part of the act, but when he saw that video and heard his own desperation it was too obvious that he was in sincere distress to mistake it for part of the game…that last time was nothing but abuse, Daniel exerting his power.

And he’d lied to Rupert blatantly about that and would until the day they were done or dead. That last time wasn’t really the “last time”. It was the last time they made a movie, that was for damn sure, but it was also only the final time that Jesse felt any positive emotions towards Daniel for a very long time. That attack had backed him into a self-conscious corner where he could only feel fear, guilt, and betrayal.

It took three months for Jesse to get the nerve (and the funds) necessary to leave—three months after “the last time” was when Jesse quit and made himself disappear. And in that three month period of time they’d had a lot more sex than usual. Daniel seemed to have a fetish for giant, bleeding sores and lovers that couldn’t stand to look at him.

But /before/ that everything had been perfect! Daniel wasn’t an abusive guy. He didn’t do that cycle of beating, apologizing, gift giving, beating, apologizing, gift giving…no, he just yelled a lot when he got mad, and so did Jesse so they worked out fine! When they made up there was good sex, good food, good talks, and good walks. Daniel had a way of touching when he was sorry—the way his hands roamed over Jesse’s body, the way that hands that could inflict so much pain could also feel so lovely…it was /bliss/. It could still be bliss!

Three years had gone by, proving that he could live without Daniel! If he returned now and said he’d be willing for another chance if Daniel /swore/ he’d never get out of control again…

/Please stop! Please!/

/Quit asking me to stop, that’s not your decision./

Jesse closed his eyes tightly and shook his head.

He knew better. For every good thing in their relationship, there was something bad from that /single/ time that made it irrelevant.

But it was only one time…

Daniel learned fast—one time is all it took for him to know that “no” meant “no”. He might not have thought anything was wrong if he was blind enough to mistake the terror his sub expressed towards him after the last video since the sub never /spoke/ a word against it after it was done.

Maybe if he’d said something when the camera quit rolling…but how could he? Daniel had made it impossible. His throat had been fucking /bleeding/ because he’d been screaming so hard. That should have been enough of a hint!

Jesse knew better than to consider…

Consider what?

Giving up Rupert? The “sweetest” boy ever who just tried to surprise his boyfriend by picking him up from work and didn’t even hold it against his boyfriend when he retaliated against it? The guy who he can hit and not get hit back? The man who just wanted his lover to move in with him so that they could genuinely be together more often?

But the only reason they were together—aside from the fact that Angela kept pushing—was because what was to have been a one-night stand had somehow evolved.

Maybe if Rupert hadn’t woken up at five a.m. like he always did and started making coffee and breakfast it would be different. Maybe if Rupert hadn’t gotten in his way of waking up, dressing, and leaving all would be different.

Different, but not necessarily better.

“Jess?” Jesse flinched internally, the voice drawing him out of his thoughts like a car wreck. He was so familiar to the trepidation in the tone of the spoken name that he turned around expecting to see Rupert—he was even mentally preparing a speech about how rude it was for him to follow him around when all he wanted to do was get some space—but when Rupert was not the man standing behind him, all words vacated him except for one.

By the time it had flashed in his mind, Jesse was beyond registering it. His mind was too busy scouring the sallow looking, drooping face of his former lover while his mouth was busy swallowing the back of his tongue as his mouth ran dry.

“Hey, it is you! It’s been a long time!” Daniel reached out with a glove-clad hand and slapped Jesse’s shoulder. Jesse’s only response was to back off a step. In his mind he was telling himself to look tough, to act strong and to quit being a wimp, but he could feel his face widen with horror and, simultaneously, fall with disappointment (he had almost hoped it was Rupert, just to see the man who could give him an excuse to stop thinking about the man that now stood before him). “You okay?”

/No,/ Jesse thought, but thought better than to say.

“I went to go see you at work last week, but they told me you were on vacation.” Daniel smiled around his lip-piercing and his eyes sparkled lightly. They always did when he talked and when he cared about the person he was talking to. It made Jesse nervous. “I thought that maybe they were lyin’, but I couldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to see me.” All Jesse could force out was “Yeah”. “So you /were/ there then,” Daniel said with a laugh. “Ah, geez.”

“No!” Jesse called out, retracting Daniel’s attention from the sidewalk. “I really was gone,” he added, not sure why he was even still standing there. The smart thing to do would be to say he was running late and then disappear somewhere in the streets. “I went out of town with my…boyfriend.” He was supposed to be strong! Why then did he look away from Daniel when he spoke? That gave Daniel power! Daniel didn’t deserve any power or respect…Daniel was…

“New boyfriend, hu?” Daniel asked, smiling the beautiful way he always had. “I knew you wouldn’t be single for long before someone took you off the market.” Jesse said nothing, but met Daniel’s gaze until /Daniel/ looked away. “As for me, I haven’t gone steady since—every man’s dream, right?” He laughed again and Jesse just stared at him, trying to think of something to say. All he could think was that he wished Rupert was nearby so he could look more honest. “Ah—but it’s not as great as it sounds.”

“No,” Jesse retorted, allowing his widened eyes to fall into a glare. “It isn’t.” Daniel’s smile faltered.

“That’s not really what I wanted to say,” Daniel said, his face taking on the nervous look it always did when Jesse started getting angry. Jesse was pleased to know that he could still find his anger while in Daniel’s presence…

“Then get to the point,” Jesse said coolly. “I’ve got somewhere I need to be.” Daniel smiled and opened his mouth to say something, flinched, closed it quickly, and then opened it again with a less euphoric expression.

“I took that video down after I watched it again—I don’t know what came over me that night. I didn’t mean to do that to you. I’m sorry, Jess.” That look on his face…really? /That/ look? Was he expecting to be forgiven?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jesse said, blinking snobbishly. “Which video?” Daniel’s eyes narrowed and Jesse’s brow rose.

“You /know/ which video—that last one.”

“Last one? You know, they all seem to blur into one these days.”

“Jesse!”

“Stop it!” Jesse snapped, letting his arrogant air drop and filling it with his anger. “What do you want from me?” Daniel’s face contorted with a sort of anger, but he licked his lips, glanced away, and when he looked back his face was clear.

“To apologize,” Daniel said, his face softening. He reached out and tapped Jesse’s shoulder gently. “Will you let me do that?” Jesse, recovering from the shock that the contact left him with, found himself nodding dumbly. There was something in those eyes, those ever-changing warm, cold, violent, friendly eyes that made him obey—made him /want/ to obey. “Will you take a walk with me? Let me buy you a drink? A cup of coffee?—No! No! Tea, you always liked that best, right?” Jesse nodded again, his face agape and uncertain, and he didn’t know if he was nodding in response to liking tea or to going for a walk. Regardless, he found himself being led down the sidewalk with a heavy arm around his shoulder and alarums ringing in his head.