Rooftop

“Wait! Mom! Dad! Kevin! Stop!”

Ethan was running as fast as he could, but the faint silhouettes of his family continued to speed away into the distance. Every step he took seemed to push them farther away, but his thin legs just kept pumping madly. The landscape was flat and blank, going on forever with no boundaries in sight.

“Please wait! Mom! I love you! Don't go!” Though they seemed to be miles away, Ethan could see each of his parent's faces with startling clarity. They were crying. His brother's face wasn't visible. In alternating turns, his mother and father shouted at him, rage clear in their voices even as they wept.

“You don't need us anymore.”

“You don't love us anymore.”

“You've forgotten about us already.”

“You've replaced us.”

“You love another.”

“How could you?”

“You should have killed yourself.”

“Instead, you let that impostor seduce you!”

“That liar! You let him have you!”

“You're a horrible son!”

“We hate you!”

“We don't ever want to see you again!”

“No, Mom, please! Dad!” His parents were racing away faster now and Ethan soon couldn't see them clearly anymore. All that was left was his brother, whose back was to him. Abruptly, he was right in front of him and no longer running.

His chest heaved with a searing pain that he couldn't feel, though he knew it was there.

Cautiously, he approached his brother, feet not leaving the ground even when he lifted his legs. He stayed connected as if some glue stuck him to the odd surface below. His brother's legs, he noticed, were not connected to the ground at all.

“...Kevin?”

One trembling hand reached out and attempted to touch his brother's shoulder, but his fingers closed on empty air. The pain in Ethan's chest got worse, and he fell to his knees as the ache grew too intense.

Opening eyes he didn't remember closing, Ethan was shocked to see Kevin kneeling right in front of him.

The sight of him made Ethan sick.

Kevin's skin was white and sallow, heavy blue bruising underneath his eyes, which were black and devoid of life. His cheeks were sunken and hollow, and his lips tightly drawn back in a horrible sneer.

It took all Ethan's willpower to not move away when one of Kevin's bony hands reached between them and laid over Ethan's heart, which was suddenly beating loud enough to echo in the immense endless plain.

“This,” He rasped, in a voice of one long gone from the land of the living. “-is mine!” Sharp fingers curled and pressed hard to Ethan's chest, making him gasp. “You killed me!”

Ethan shook and tried to pull away from those digging fingers, but he was rooted to the ground. “No! I didn't do it! It wasn't me!”

Kevin's gruesome lips formed a terrible smirk, and he pressed harder. “Oh yes you did. If not for you, I would still be alive. You had to draw attention to yourself and bring that gun to point at you! I had no choice but to save you! As a brother, I had no choice! And because of that, I'm dead! You should be dead, not me! Instead, you enjoy the luxuries of life! You let someone else unworthy steal your love!” At once, Kevin's sharp-nailed digits pierced through Ethan's chest and freezing fingers curled around his heart. It was yanked out of his chest and Ethan watched, in sick fascination, as it still beat in his brother's grasp. “This belongs to me now. Your heart is ours! We loved you first! You will not choose another to love. You will love only us and die alone!”

The edges of Ethan's vision grew dark, and he felt a vast emptiness settle in his chest. His last thoughts were of guilt and shame.

Ethan jerked upright, gasping for air and clutching his chest as he tried to get his bearings. The car. He was in the car, strapped in the passenger side, and they weren't moving anymore. The car had stopped, pulled over to the side of the road, with traffic passing them by.

Wildly, he glanced to the driver's seat, towards Fen, and he found the larger male staring back, concern and a touch of startled fear in those gray depths.

“What?” Ethan asked, immediately defensive. “Why'd we stop?” Outside his window, a steady rain fell from the darkened afternoon sky, and Ethan fought to quell the rising tide of nausea he felt from being so near to Fen.

He had to get away, or else he was damned.

The dream had been a sign. All that was happening in his life recently, just as he thought, was a mistake. He didn't have the right to love anyone else. It was his fault. It was all his fault. And Fen had caused it.

It was Fen's fault. His parents and brother had come back to tell him so. They would never lie to him. If...If he didn't get away somehow...

{Ethan...} Fen's voice was quiet, softly chiding, but no more words were spoken.

Fen seemed to be at a loss for what to say and Ethan grew suspicious that he was reading his mind. Seeing into his mind and perhaps even having seen...

With concealed mistrust, he asked, “Did you see my dream?”

Fen hesitated, eyes darting away for a split second before shaking his head. {No, of course not.}

Though Ethan knew the other was lying, he refused to acknowledge it. The one little sign. That pause. Fen had intruded on him again. Despite repeated promises not to do that anymore, he had regardless. His dream really had been true.

And last night, right before that mess at the motel, he'd been thinking about leaving Fen. If they hadn't been interrupted, Ethan would have been able to voice his thoughts. But...what with their running away, he'd been deterred. And now, after hearing straight from his parents, he knew he had to get away from the other man.

Every second they were together made him feel increasingly anxious.

“Can we please go? I have to use the bathroom and I'm starting to get hungry.” He said, voice devoid of anything. That was mostly the truth. They had been driving all night, only stopping once in the early morning for donuts, and Ethan did have to use the bathroom, but really, he just wanted Fen to be busy again.

The longer Fen studied him, the greater the sense of disgust.

After a moment of not meeting those searching eyes, Fen seemed to give up and sighed as he shifted the car back into gear, pulling back out into traffic.

“Where are we anyway?” Ethan asked, peering out the window and seeing nothing but flat fields, much like in his dream. He fought to suppress a shudder.

{I do not really know. I am only familiar with your city. I had never been to any other place.}

“So, we're just driving blind?”

Fen laughed, and the usual deep rumble which usually made Ethan feel breathless, now only irritated him. {No, not exactly. I see signs. I cannot read them, but I understand the symbols.} He chuckled again. This time, a little nervously. {Soon, we shall be in a city with lots of restaurants. So we can get something for you to eat.}

Ethan blinked, glancing over and catching Fen's surreptitious staring at him, who turned back to the road immediately. “You're not hungry?”

In answer to his question, even before Fen could say it, the larger male's stomach rumbled loudly. Fen paused. {Well...yes, actually. I am quite famished. But, I do not care if I eat, I just want to make sure you are fed.} Gray eyes furtively glanced over and studied Ethan's face. {You are very pale, and I think you are getting thinner. I fear I am not letting you eat enough.}

Ethan fumed. Who was Fen to tell him when to eat? Who was Fen to tell him anything? He wasn't his parents. He wasn't anything. Just some thing who decided for him that they would be mates. Ethan's hands clenched in his lap, and he turned back to the window.

Fen wasn't anything at all.

First chance he got, he was going back to his apartment, and he would resume his life as if none of this ever happened. Hopefully, his parents would forgive him when he did. Kevin...Well, Kevin might stay mad, but Ethan would try forever to get him to forgive him too. He just wanted his brother to love him.

{Ethan...?} Fen asked suddenly, voice quiet in his mind. {Are you...okay?}

Ethan scowled. “Are you? I'm fine. Besides, I know you're reading my mind, so just stop pretending you're not. You know what's going on.”

Again, Fen's voice was hushed, like he was talking to a wild animal. {Ethan...I am not reading your mind. I told you I would not do that anymore. Remember?} He asked carefully. {Because I know you do not like that, so I will keep my word. But...the emotions you are giving off right now are a little...alarming.} Fen cleared his throat. {Are you sure you are alright?}

“I'm fine.” He said curtly, barely keeping the tremble out of his voice as a strong buzz began in his ears. Fen was lying. Anyone who lied to him wasn't a good person. Ethan had to get away.

{...Okay then.} Fen was silent, and Ethan switched on the radio, finding some generic rock station and leaving it, not really listening.

Just needing something to drown out that buzzing. His head hurt.

The steady swish of the windshield wipers beat in time to the music, and Ethan felt himself uncoiling slightly, though he hadn't known he'd been wound up. Looking over at Fen, he felt that coil instantly tighten again though and he stubbornly turned away.

All of this had been a mistake. He'd been fine before. Keeping to himself, not hurting anyone, and properly honoring his parent's memory. He'd been fine.

Because of Fen, they were mad at him now. His mom and dad thought he didn't love them anymore, and that couldn't be further from the truth. And Kevin was right, too! His heart did belong to them. If not for his brother, he would have died. Of course, if not for himself, his brother would still be alive. He had to go and be a child and draw attention to himself, and what choice did his brother have but to save him? Kevin was perfect, the perfect brother, and he'd only done his duty. Ethan was a complete disgrace. All because of Fen.

His wrist itched, and he absently scratched at it. It did not help the itch. It felt like it was coming from underneath his skin, and he scratched harder, digging his nails into his flesh.

{Here is our exit now. See? There are lots of little signs for food.}

Ethan glanced up, acknowledging that there was indeed a surplus of restaurant symbols, but he didn't actually care. When the car stopped, would he run? There was nowhere to go yet.

Fen slowed and got off the main road, turning onto a smaller street. {Which place would you like?}

Ethan pointed at a random building, not even bothering to read the name on the sign out front. He really didn't care where they ate, as long as he could eat.

As Fen parked, Ethan was already disengaging his seatbelt and unlocking his door. He stepped out as the car stopped and walked towards the front door, breathing deeply and trying to clear his head.

The buzzing diminished somewhat, and he breathed in relief. The longer he heard it, the more...tense he got.

{Ethan, wait!} Fen called softly behind him, jogging easily and catching up to him in very few long-legged strides. He wove their hands together like he had done the day before, but Ethan felt much different this time.

Wanting to shake his hand away, he tried to move faster, but Fen's grip tightened seeming to know his need to escape.

Without giving him the chance to, Fen pulled them both to the shaded side of the building, crowding in close. {Ethan...Please tell me, are you okay? Is there something bothering you?}

Their closeness was stifling and Ethan could practically hear the enraged screaming of his parents echoing in his head. He fought to keep himself still, though every fiber in his body was shaking. “I'm fine. Please let me go.”

Fen's next words were guarded, full of caution. {Maybe...It was the dream? I mean, would you like to tell me about it?}

Here Ethan knew he had a way out. Some way to get him away. “I...just had a bad dream about one of my foster homes and I don't feel like being touched right now.”

Fen stepped back, silently studying Ethan.

Ethan knew the larger male was trapped now. Fen obviously couldn't come right out and tell him he was lying because that would mean that Fen had eavesdropped on his dream. Fen also couldn't touch him now, because that would be infringing on Ethan's comfort level.

He glowered at Fen, daring him to dispute what he said and admit he was lying. But Fen stayed silent, his face full of concealed doubt.

Then, he turned and entered the restaurant without another word.

Ethan followed disdainfully and met Fen at the register, ordering for the two of them and watching as Fen pulled out Ethan's debit card from his back pocket.

Anger quickly coursed through him at the sight.

He glared, brows drawn together. “Why exactly do you think it's okay to just keep using my debit card? Isn't that my money?”

Fen froze, hand outstretched and looking about to pull back, but the cashier grabbed it and ran it through the machine. The larger male's hand closed guiltily on empty air, and he turned to Ethan, biting his lip. {I...} He looked away. {I apologize. I...am not used to-}

“To stealing?” Ethan cut in.

To that, Fen hung his head, face tensing unhappily. {Actually...to that, I am most accustomed to.}

The register beeped, and Ethan entered his PIN number without even thinking, blinking at Fen in confusion as he got his card back. “What's that supposed to mean.”

Fen didn't answer right away, avoiding Ethan's eyes, but when the food was placed on the counter, he grabbed both orders and walked to a nearby table, setting Ethan's food down on one side, and seating himself at the other.

Without a word, Fen sat and began eating, quicker than normal and also a little nervously. Ethan sat on his side, but didn't touch his food. His hands folded in front of him, and he studied Fen closely. “Explain.” He ordered, no patience in his tone.

Fen froze again, hands halfway to his mouth, still for a minute, before lowering them back to his plate. A dejected sigh escaped him, but he didn't raise his eyes from the table. {When I was younger, some years ago, myself and....a friend...were new to this side of Earth, and we did not have any sort of funding or way to get food or shelter. We...resorted to thievery...stealing all the items necessary for an easy life.} Fen dropped further, shoulders slumped as if a terrible weight lay upon them. {Of course, we became adept at stealing, and the longer we did it, the bolder we got. Soon...we were stealing merely for pleasure, not for necessity and I admit we got quite ahead of ourselves in our lavish lifestyle. I would rather not go into that part of my life, but things got very bad for us...and between us.} Fen looked up then, and Ethan could see his eyes somewhat shining with barely formed tears of shame. {I am sorry, Ethan. I never meant to take advantage of you like that. I merely thought, because of the amount of money in your account, and the scarce way you had been living, that you would not mind me using it every now and then, and that I-}

“Well, maybe you should have thought of that.” Ethan said coldly, arms crossing in front of his chest as he leaned back in his chair. “I'm not your pimp. My money is my money. It's a gift from my parents, and they wouldn't have wanted you,” He all but hissed the word. “-to use it.”

Fen gaped at him, eyes wide and somewhat shocked. Then, they lowered slowly, and Ethan caught sight of the pain in them. {I...apologize. I will never do it again.}

“You better not. First, you buy all those clothes with my money. Then you buy a car with my money.” His nostrils flared. “I mean, what do you think I am? A cash cow? Is that why you're with me? Because you want another easy life?”

Shocked, Fen sat up, leaning forward and reaching for Ethan's hands. {No!} He said vehemently, closing his fingers around Ethan's limp hands. {Of course not. Of course not. I just was not thinking. I was being ignorant, and not realizing the error of my actions.} He squeezed Ethan's hands. {I will not do it again. Never.}

Ethan, head still buzzing, sighed and nodded once, pulling his hands away and looking out the big front window at their...no, his car.

Fen didn't resume eating after that, face drooping in a somewhat confused way, like he wasn't quite sure what was going on at the moment. When he noticed that Ethan wasn't eating either, he straightened a little in his chair, still not looking up. {Are you not hungry? I thought you said you were.}

Ethan picked his tray up and walked over to the trash area, where he dumped the whole thing in it. Back at the table, he glared at Fen. “I lost my appetite.” Without waiting for an answer, he left the restaurant, heading back to the car and climbing inside.

He buckled his seatbelt and waited.

After a minute, Fen was at the driver's side, getting in himself, and buckling his own seatbelt. But he didn't start the engine, he just sat quietly, making Ethan antsy.

{Ethan? Are you...} Fen paused.

He ignored him, focusing instead on the faint buzzing in his ears. He shook his head irritably.

There was more silence, and out of the corner of his eye, Ethan could see Fen's hands shaking on the steering wheel.

{Ethan...?}

Again, he didn't answer, turning to look out the window.

Thankfully, when he didn't answer, Fen finally just started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. The drive was completely silent, and Ethan broke it first to ask, “Where are we going now?”

Fen hesitated. {Well, um...I was going to try and find a hotel where we could stay...but I do not want to use...I-I do not have any money for it.}

Ethan huffed, rolling his eyes. “I have money.” He muttered vaguely, purposely leaving it at that. “I want to go to that one.” He said, pointing to a sign on the street with a hotel advertised on it. “It says it's 5 miles up the road, to the left.”

Fen beamed in relief at him, Ethan could feel it, thick and happy and dripping from that smile. He drove them to the hotel quickly after that, still smiling. The parking lot was large and the hotel was much nicer than the motel they had stayed in before, though Ethan couldn't care less. After parking, they got out and Ethan didn't wait before strolling into the main lobby through the revolving door. Approaching the counter, he smiled at the man on the desk, his cheeks hurting from the strain of it. “Hi, can I get a room, please?”

“Of course, Sir. What kind of room would you like?”

Fen came up quietly behind him, their luggage in hand. “A single.”

“Alright then,” The man checked the room list on his computer. “-It seems the only single rooms we have available today come with king-sized beds.”

“That's fine.” Ethan said dismissively, tapping the counter. At his approval, Fen seemed to grow warmer behind him, and he just knew Fen was beaming.

How foolish. Ethan would not be sharing his bed.

“And for how many nights?”

“I don't know. Probably for a while.”

“We'll need to see a credit card upfront for that, Sir.”

Ethan took his card out of his wallet and handed it to the clerk, who took it to the back room.

While he was waiting, Ethan pointedly ignored Fen, who was inching closer behind him. Finally, one lone finger brushed against the small of his back, and Ethan jumped, turning sharply and scowling at the larger male. “Stop that.”

Fen's smile faltered, then grew again. {But...We are going to have a nice big bed all to ourselves. Are you...Will you be wanting to mate with me?}

Ethan closed his eyes as the buzzing grew louder, and he turned back to the counter. “Who said anything about 'we'? I paid for this room. It's mine. Not yours.”

Fen seemed to choke behind him, and Ethan heard the bags fall to the floor loudly. {But...You cannot-}

“I can do whatever I want. It's my inheritance. And you're not my family. You can't tell me what to do.”

Fen was quiet, but he picked up the bags again, slowly.

The buzzing in Ethan's ears grew even more intense. He ignored it and shook his head again. The clerk returned with his card.

“Here you go, Sir, and everything's all set. Your room number is 334.” The key dropped into Ethan's open hand. “Have a good stay.”

The key was cold in his hand and he turned half-way to Fen, reaching out his hands. “Give me my bags, please.”

After a moment's hesitation, Fen slowly brought the bags up and held them out, not letting go right away as Ethan grabbed the handles. {I can...I will bring them up for you...if you want me to.} He said hopefully.

Ethan shook his head curtly. “No, I'll get them myself. I'm not an invalid. I can carry two bags.” Forcefully, he pulled them from Fen's strong grip, backing away a step, then turning to the elevator.

As he pushed the call button, he heard Fen's soft sad voice in his head. {But...Where will I sleep? Where will I stay?}

Ethan turned back to see Fen standing in the lobby, still by the main desk, looking at him with eyes full of betrayed anguish. The elevator doors opened and Ethan merely turned away, stepping inside and not meeting Fen's imploring gaze as the silver doors slid shut.

It was quiet in the elevator and Ethan listened to the simple music playing over the speakers. It was soothing music, almost loud enough to block out the buzzing in his ears.

There was a ding as the doors opened and Ethan stepped out onto his floor, checking to see where his room was, and he was relieved to see it close by. Easily, he inserted the key and unlocked his door, met immediately with the immediate rush of sterile recycled air that all hotel rooms shared. The bags were tossed to the side of the foyer and he walked further in to see the nice big bed. There was also a couch near the television.

For a long moment, he stood in the middle of the room, not moving or thinking, and eventually the buzzing stopped.

Then he began to feel guilty. Sure, Fen had been selfish and sneaky for taking his money and not even asking his permission to use it, but he hadn't known any better. And had Ethan even stopped to tell him that it wasn't okay to do that? No, he'd allowed it.

And Fen had been taking care of him, too. Wasn't that worth anything? Wasn't Fen worth anything?

Without the buzzing clouding his thoughts, much like that voice used to as he sat on the rooftop, Ethan was suddenly able to think clearly. Why had he done that to Fen? Did the other male even deserve to be treated like that?

He paused for a moment, thinking of all Fen had done for him, images flashing quick in his head of Fen's smile, the way he held him, his laugh, all the things Ethan had come to really like about the winged man.

Hanging his head, Ethan sighed, rubbing his forehead. He'd been an asshole today. Sighing unhappily, he turned back to the door, walking the short distance down the hall and getting back in the elevator.

At the lobby floor, he stepped out and didn't see Fen right away, but after a moment, he caught sight of the other over in the sitting area, seated in a plush armchair and staring into space blankly.

Ethan stepped in front of him, clearing his throat and frowning as the buzzing suddenly revved up again, making his head immediately ache from the intensity of it. All the words Ethan wanted to say flew out the window and instead he grew angry again.

Fen's eyes cleared a little at the sight of him and he sat up straighter, face hopeful.

“Here.” Ethan said, handing the key over and dropping it in Fen's hand. “You can use the room too.” Then he stepped back as the buzzing grew too fierce, walking briskly towards the exit to escape the pain in his head.

{Wait!} Fen begged, standing and reaching after him. {Where are you going?}

“A walk." He croaked, breathing quicker. "I need to clear my head.” And he left, out into the diminishing afternoon and to someplace he could think.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


New thick clouds loomed in the darkening sky, looking ripe with another rain storm, and Ethan trudged back up to the hotel room, stepping out of the elevator and wincing slightly. His legs ached and he paused to stretch a little before knocking on the door.

All afternoon, he had been walking, anywhere he could go and eventually, he'd found a park. On a bench for long hours, Ethan had drifted, not thinking, just drifting along in his head.

He hadn't figured anything out, but the buzz had ceased almost completely as he sat. And that had helped him think.

Now, it started anew, but still soft, even as the door swung open.

{Welcome back.} Fen said happily, ushering him inside. He was shirtless. {Did you have a nice walk?} Fen's voice was strange, like he was walking on eggshells and unsure of what to say. His nervous energy increased the buzzing in Ethan's head.

And that's what settled it for Ethan. Fen was causing the buzzing, so Ethan had to get rid of him. That's what his parents had said, so it must be true.

Fen stood near the bedside table. {Would you like to get breakfast for tomorrow? They have a little menu here. We can circle what we want and-}

“No.” Ethan interrupted, moving to stand in front of the giant window overlooking the city, arms folded. It had just begun to rain again. “I've changed my mind.” He said, voice flat.

Fen immediately fell silent behind him. {What?}

“You said earlier that if I told you to leave, then you'd leave. I want you to leave.”

The air rustled as Fen was beside him in an instant, yanking him around and crushing him in his arms. {You do not mean that.}

Ethan tried to push the larger male away, but he wasn't strong enough. “Yes, I do. I want you to go and I want to go back to my apartment, alone.” Shoving against that broad chest again, Ethan grunted. “Let me go.” One more ineffectual shove. “Let me go!”

Fen did the opposite, arms pulling even closer and that long hair falling to frame their faces. {No. I won't!}

“What?! You said you'd leave me alone if I told you to! I'm telling you now! Leave me alone! Get off me!” Ethan struggled uselessly, thin arms flailing out to beat against Fen's smooth chest. “I want to be alone! Leave me alone!”

Fen's breath was coming faster and he dropped to his knees abruptly, startling Ethan. As tall as he was, while kneeling, his face was still close to Ethan's torso. Gray eyes implored Ethan's blue, denial and fear shining fiercely there. {You cannot mean this. You cannot! I know what I said, but I do not care! I will not leave you! Ever!}

Ethan struck out again, aiming for, but missing, Fen's face. His wrist was captured and pinned above his head, and he screamed in frustration. “Then you are a liar too! You're a thief and a liar and you make the buzzing worse, and I don't want you anymore!”

In obvious turmoil, Fen rose to his feet again, picking Ethan up and pushing him back against the wall, pinning him there. {No.} He whimpered, gray eyes shimmering with unshed tears. {I cannot leave you. You mean too much to me.} His lips descended then, stealing Ethan's fight with a quick kiss. {Please. Just let me show you.}

Ethan recoiled further, feebly trying to push away from Fen's strong embrace. “Show me what?” He spat the words as heat ignited in his groin, and revulsion bloomed in his stomach.

{How we go together so perfectly.} Then Fen dipped down again, long black hair falling forward to brush the sides of Ethan's cheeks, and stole his remaining willpower with a rough insistent kiss, tongue delving inside and claiming Ethan's quickly.

In spite of his earlier resistance, Ethan gave up, leaning into Fen and knowing this was the last time he'd be touched. The last time he'd allow himself to be touched. Why not enjoy it? Think of it as a going away present, so to speak.

Fen, though he didn't say anything, deepened the kiss, wrapping his arms around Ethan's back and lifting him off the floor to prop him against the wall. Ethan's legs came up and folded around Fen's waist, closing the space between their hips and groaning at the heated contact of Fen's growing arousal. The thick ridge of Fen's erection pulsed, straining against the fabric of his slacks.

Deftly and clinically, Ethan reached down between them, not breaking the kiss, and undid the button of Fen's pants, sliding down the zipper and reaching inside to palm Fen's erection through his boxers.

Fen gasped, surging forward and crushing Ethan to the wall, pushing the breath out of him. Ethan squeezed him again, arching his back to get Fen to move away so he could breathe, then he tore his head to side and inhaled sharply, undulating his hips slowly as he closed his eyes for a moment to enjoy the sensation.

“Do it.” He commanded, voice clear and strong. Fen gave him an odd look, but Ethan ignored it, rolling his hips again and secretly cheering as Fen's eyes glazed over.

Ethan was lowered to his feet for a moment and he undid his jeans, kicking them off along with his underwear, then he leaned back and waited, eyes blank.

For a moment, Fen just frowned at him, face full of an undefinable sadness, then he bent forward again and captured Ethan's lips once more, infinitely more tender than the first kiss. His soft mouth molded to Ethan's, carefully parting and caressing along the seam of Ethan's lips, pink flesh clinging and joining together. A soft breath escaped Ethan against his will, and as Fen stepped forward to bring their bodies close, Ethan only relaxed into him.

This time, when Fen lifted him back up against the wall, he linked his bare legs around Fen's waist not to entice, but to keep contact. And when Fen opened his lips and darted out his tongue, Ethan joined in his caress, duel muscles entwining and rolling with each other.

Strong hands stroked down his sides, dipping in and teasing between his cheeks. Ethan's weight was almost completely braced on the wall at his back and where his thighs were resting on Fen's hips. He let his head fall back against the wallpaper as Fen swirled light fingertips around his puckered opening.

Would Fen lick him again?

In answer to his silent question, Fen brought the fingers teasing Ethan's bottom up to his mouth, inserting them into that wet cavern and layering them with that double-slick saliva. Then they were lowered back down and one finger was gently pressed against his anus, not yet breaching him.

Breathing somewhat sharply, Ethan shifted and tensed his thigh muscles, silently commanding Fen to move, and he did, inserting that digit and sliding up deep into him.

He hissed through his teeth, but made no other sound as Fen slowly thrust his finger, removing it and adding one more. Again, Ethan was silent, and he watched Fen through veiled eyes.

Fen was looking at him intently, eyes flickering with something bittersweet every now and then. Another finger was slid up into him, and he finally moaned, ever so softly, as Fen brushed against his prostate.

With one powerful arm holding Ethan up against the wall, Fen stepped back from him and shoved down his pants, kicking them off and stepping back to press his skin to Ethan's. Watching him closely, Fen transferred Ethan's weight further up the wall, and he hooked his elbows underneath Ethan's bent knees, spreading his legs and baring his erection.

Fen raised one hand and licked his palm, lowering that slicked hand and coating his cock liberally before placing his length to Ethan's stretched opening. He pushed, easily sinking into Ethan's body.

It was nowhere near Fen's normal size, and his body quickly adjusted to the smaller length. Did Fen change it to make him feel better? Perhaps he did it so he wouldn't have to wait as long or be as gentle during sex.

Either way, Ethan didn't care, and he pulled Fen's mouth to his, parting his lips and darting his tongue in between Fen's. The larger male adjusted his stance, shifting on the balls of his feet, then he pulled out and pushed back in, and Ethan moaned into Fen's mouth, not breaking away just yet as Fen began to fuck him.

Cause that's all it was. Fucking. Evan as Fen ran gentle fingertips down Ethan's sides and made love to his mouth, all Ethan would allow it to be, was fucking.

In his restrained position, he wasn't able to move much, but he flexed his legs muscles and squeezed the muscles in his ass, drawing a breathless whimper from Fen, and making his breath hitch.

Fen sped up, bracing his palms on the wall and slamming into Ethan then, making him cry out, despite his need to stay quiet. He wrapped his arms around Fen's neck, pulling him closer, so he wouldn't have to look him in the eye, and quietly moaned with every hard thrust as it reached deep inside him.

Suddenly, Ethan felt Fen shudder and there was that slick heat splashing onto his inner walls. But he was still hard, and he whimpered once, wiggling around Fen and asking for completion.

Fen pulled them both away from the wall and moved them to the bed, carefully leaning forward until Ethan's back was on the mattress, then laying down on top of him. Slowly, Fen knelt back and pulled out of Ethan, swiftly sliding down his narrow chest and taking his aching cock into that mouth.

“Ah!” He couldn't keep the shameless moan from escaping, nor could he stop himself from reaching down and fisting his hands in Fen's soft hair. “Uhhn!”

Fen sucked on him, taking him all the way in each time he sank down on his length, and Ethan squirmed, trying to stay quiet, but it was useless.

“Oh, Fen! Ahh! Uhhhnn!” And he came, legs tightly locking around Fen's neck and his hands almost clawing at the black-haired male's scalp. Fen drank him down, giving him one last lick before pulling back and climbing back up Ethan's body.

He smiled down at him, eyes shining and he kissed him again, softly this time, before laying his chest against Ethan's.

Ethan lay there, mind deliciously blank and he smiled back, all guards broken down for the moment. The buzzing, for the moment, had stopped, and he felt a small flicker of contentment again.

Then Fen spoke, words beaming directly from mind to mind. {I love you, Ethan. I love you so much.}

The contented blankness of Ethan's post-orgasmic mind suddenly went black.

At the bottom of the stairwell, he whipped open the heavy wooden door and breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of them still in front of the building.

But something was wrong.

People were shouting.

His parents were screaming something at a man in the middle of the street.

The man was waving a gun, and Ethan felt his heart thud as the gun stopped aimed at his mother.

He tried to scream to warn her, but then there was a roar and she flew back onto the pavement, limply bouncing on the hard cement.

His father lunged at the madman, only to be shot point-blank in the face.

Ethan saw red erupt from his skull.

Belatedly, he realized that he was screaming at the top of his lungs and that the gun was now pointing at him.

Out of the corner of his eye, there was a flash of blue, and he was thrown to the ground even as the gun went off again.

He blinked slowly, looking up to see Kevin, pinning him to the ground, red blossoming across the front of his blue sweatshirt. He was staring down at Ethan sadly even as his eyes began to dim.

“We love you Ethan. We love you so much.” He choked out before collapsing down onto Ethan's chest and becoming still.

Ethan was still screaming as another shot went off in the distance and the warm weight of his brother grew cold.

Ethan kicked Fen away him and squirmed out from underneath that massive body. Surprisingly, he was able to actually get the larger male off of him, and he rolled off the bed, face tight with something terrible as he stumbled to his feet and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him and locking it. The buzzing was unbearable now, vibrating his whole body to the point of physical pain.

He had to get it to stop.

{Ethan?!}

Fen was outside the door in an instant, pounding on the door frantically, but Ethan ignored him as his eyes darted all over the bathroom. There was a little bag on toiletries on the bathroom counter near the sink, courtesy of the hotel, and he ripped it open, little bottles flying everywhere and scattering across the floor.

At the bottom of the bag, there was a shaving kit and in that, a razor. He picked it out and smashed it against the floor, stomping on the head to crack off the blade.

Must stop the buzzing.

{Ethan! Let me in! What are you doing?!}

Ethan picked up the cracked blade, slicing his fingertips open in the process as he brought the cold metal to his left wrist.

The buzzing slowed down, in anxious anticipation.

No one...No one had said they loved him since his brother. That was the last time. It will always be the last time. To accept anyone else's would be a threat to that memory.

He increased the weight on the blade.

The door was kicked in and Fen reached for him, panic in his eyes, but Ethan just looked straight at him, and pushed down before Fen could reach him.

There was no pain, and the skin of Ethan's arm spread, blood blossoming from wrist to elbow as he slit though, filling the gap like water and spilling to the floor.

Ethan blinked at Fen, who stood there in shock, mouth open and eyes wide even as he knocked the blade out of Ethan's grip, then Ethan collapsed, vision going blank.

{Ethan! Ethan!}


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Floating. Weightless. Empty. There was nothing for eons of time, and it passed slowly.

Where am I?

A face materialized, and two blue eyes opened to see white all around.

What happened?

Two arms grew from a lengthening torso and waved out in clear openness, searching for something to hold.

What is this place?

Legs kicked out suddenly, though they hadn't been there before, and met a solid surface.

Is this...?

The ground shifted and everything was suddenly right side-up.

“Ethan, my dear.”

Ethan whipped around as his name was called, at once knowing who he was and what had happened. “Hello? Who's there?”

“Sweetheart. We're right here.”

He turned again, recognizing the soft feminine voice and dreading seeing them again. His parents stood together, Kevin off to the side. But this time, they weren't angry.

They were smiling.

At him.

“Mom?” His voice was tremulous. “Dad?” His took a hesitant step forward. “K-Kevin? Are you still mad at me?”

His mother tilted her head to the side sadly, peering at him with her beautiful brown eyes. “Of course not, Honey. We love you, you know that.”

Ethan felt reduced to his 16-year-old self, and his lower lip trembled. “But...But, you said you hated me, that I-” He broke off, eyes burning with hot tears at the memory.

“Oh, Sweetie,” His mother cooed, stepping closer to him. “That was just a dream.”

Ethan gasped when warm, strong, alive arms wrapped around him, drawing him in to press tightly against his mother's chest. After a moment's shock, he buried his face in her neck and sobbed, inhaling the fresh, flowery scent of her favorite perfume.

“Mom, oh god, Mom, Mom, I love you, Mom, Mom!” He brokenly cried out, his whole body trembling as his mother patted his back and stroked his hair like she would do when he was younger.

“Shhh, it's okay, Sweetheart, it's alright. Just let it out.”

For forever, Ethan let the tears fall from his eyes and soak into the soft fabric of his mother's clothing. They were different than what she was wearing that day. They were pale in color yet bright at the same time.

Finally, when there were no more tears to cry, he heard his father speak, in that deep commanding way he had.

“What's this, Ethan? Your old man doesn't get a hug too?”

Sniffling and wiping at his eyes, because you just didn't let your dad see you cry, Ethan reluctantly stepped back from his mom, afraid she would disappear when he did, and turned to his father, who stood smiling at him.

He only had a moment before his was pulled into a fierce bear hug, his father lifting him off the ground and spinning him around, just like he was a kid again. A giggle bubbled up in his throat and spilled out, seeming to echo in the whiteness. But it wasn't distant. It chimed throughout, bouncing back and seeming to laugh with him as he was spun.

Then his dad dropped him to his feet and hugged him properly, pulling Ethan's face to nuzzle in his neck. The scent of aftershave burned Ethan's nose and his dad's stubble rasped against his cheek, but he stayed close nonetheless.

After another eternity, he was released, and he turned expecting to see his brother, but he was surprised by Kevin's immediate closeness. He was yanked into his brother's arms even before he finished turning and for a second, he couldn't breathe.

It was the best way to suffocate.

His brother released him and looked down at him, smiling sadly. “How've you been, Squirt? Not too good, I hear.”

Ethan could only gape up at him, still lost in the reunion of seeing his family. Then he jumped slightly, jolted by his words. “What?”

“You've been trying to kill yourself. And just now, you succeeded.”

Still in his brother's arms, Ethan felt a rush of regret. “I'm dead?”

His mother spoke at his side, resting a hand on his shoulder. “Yes, Honey. You killed yourself.”

“So...I...I can be with you now?” He asked hopefully.

“No, Ethan. It's not your time.” Said his father, standing at his other side. Now his family had formed a little circle around him. Protecting him.

He blinked, confused. “But...If I'm dead, then why can't I be with you?”

Kevin spoke next, loosening his ams a little and allowing Ethan to stand in the middle of their tight circle. “Because right now, Fen is using all his power to heal you and bring you back from the dead.”

Ethan shook his head. “If I'm already dead, then he should be dead. It doesn't work half-way. He told me so.”

“But it is.” Came the soft voice of his mother. “You are dead, and he is killing himself to save you. Either you can let yourself stay dead, and he will die as well, or you can go back and save both your lives.”

Ethan thought for a moment. “If I don't go back...Can I stay with you?”

“No, Ethan.”

“But why?!” He whined, brow winkling unhappily.

“We're dead, Ethan.” His father reminded him. “You know that.”

“But I'm dead too! You said so! I want to stay with you!”

“Ethan!” His mother reprimanded, shutting Ethan up immediately. “Stop whining this instant! You know we're gone and you know you must go back.” She paused. “Do you want to go back?”

“Why would I?” He sulked, reverting to his childish self.

“Don't be a dumbass, Squirt.” Scoffed his brother. “You know why you've gotta go back. You have a man back there who loves you just as much as we do, who wants to make you happy and protect you, who wants to be your family-”

“But you're my family!”

“And so is he.” Kevin pulled him close again.

Ethan gasped on dry air as he clung to Kevin's warm body. "But he wants to replace you! He's bad!"

Kevin shook his shoulder lightly, drawing back to glare at him. "He is not trying to replace us. He is trying to love you." Kevin pulled him back, sighing. “Are you so willing to give up the future so you can chase the past?”

“But...” Ethan whimpered, clenching his fingers in his brother's shirt. “I miss you guys so much.”

“And we miss you, Sweetheart.” Soothed his mother at his side. “But, what is past, is past, and we all must move on. No matter what happens, we will always love you, and we will always be family. No one says you have to forget us or stop being our son just because you found someone new to love.”

His dad spoke next. “That's right. You are my son. You're your mother's son. And you are Kevin's brother. Why can't you also be Fen's, too? Do you really think us so selfish? That we wouldn't share you?”

They were right. But Ethan still felt a little unsure. “But...What about those dreams?”

“Those weren't real. You know in your heart that we aren't like that. It was just your guilt eating away at your soul. Don't think like that anymore. Open your heart and let new love in. Just know our love will never leave or be replaced.”

Ethan trembled, on the verge of a great epiphany.

“Do you want to go back now?” His father asked gently.

“How long have I been here? Fen can't possibly still be alive.”

Kevin laughed, the sounds lighting up Ethan's heart like wildfire. “You've only been here for one second, Ethan. But,” His expression turned grave. “If you're here for one more second, you'll be too late. And that second is almost up. What do you say? Do you want to go back?”

Ethan nodded without thinking, then knowing instantly in his heart that he did. He belonged with Fen. He owed Fen everything. Least of all, he owed his love.

No, not owe. Fen wasn't owed anything. But he did deserve it. Fen deserved everything. Though, Ethan thought sadly, it would be a wonder if Fen ever forgave him for doing what he did.

The edges of his vision grew slightly smudged and Ethan felt a pulse in his left arm, right where he had cut himself. Before he left, though, he had to know one thing. He looked to his mom.

“Was this...Is this...a dream? Or is it real?”

With a soft smile, his mother raised one hand and stroked his cheek lightly. “Do you think it's real?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

“Then it is.” She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, lingering for a moment in goodbye. His father did the same next, then his brother too. His cheek felt hot, and he closed his eyes, whispering his goodbye as well.

There was movement, and Ethan felt himself lifting, his family's voices raising along with him as he drifted away.

“We love you, Ethan! Don't ever forget that, or think we'll ever stop! Goodbye!”

Then nothing again.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


{...E...than...Love...you...}

Whispered words woke him, and he glanced over to see Fen's blank gray eyes sliding shut. The larger male was laying near him, on his side, hands still gripping Ethan's forearm, but already slipping off to fall limply to the floor.

The stark white bathroom light hurt his eyes and red was splashed all over the floor. It stained the pristine marble tile and gave the whole room an eery slaughterhouse feel. Sitting up easily, Ethan glanced down at his arm, where Fen had been holding him.

The cut was healed, completely seamed shut, but there was still blood on his arm and clothes. Both of Fen's hands were stained dark red and Ethan knew it must have been enormously difficult to heal him. Bones were one thing. But closing off slit veins and arteries were another, and Ethan glanced at the man passed out beside him.

Fen's breathing was shallow and pained, though Ethan knew instinctually he would be okay.

For a moment, he sat there, blinking slowly as a startling clarity settled over his mind. The ache was gone, the buzzing was gone, everything...was gone. He felt as if a great big lump of waste had been wiped from his mind, leaving it open, clean, and fresh. It was the single most wonderful feeling he'd ever had in his entire life and he glanced over once more towards Fen, frowning.

It was his turn to protect.

A strength never before felt burned inside him, and he leaned over to hook his arms underneath Fen's massive shoulders, standing and planting his feet firmly on the ground as he slowly but steadily dragged Fen out of the bathroom and into the main room, towards the bed.

For being so lithe in his human form, Fen was extremely heavy and Ethan was pretty sure he was nothing but thick, corded muscle.

The carpet dragged against Fen's clothing with each small step, and Ethan began to sweat as his muscles started quivering, but he managed to get Fen propped up against the side of the bed. He climbed on the middle of it and re-situated his grip on his mate's shoulders. It took close to 10 minutes, but he was able to raise Fen off the floor and get his torso on the mattress. After getting off to push his legs up as well, Ethan stripped off Fen's soiled clothes and covered him with a sheet, nestling the larger male's head on several pillows and gently arranging his black hair around his face.

After taking a minute to catch his breath, Ethan got a small towel and the water pitcher from the front table, filled it with warm water and soap, then brought both items to Fen's side. He sat on the edge of the bed and cleaned his blood off of Fen's elegant fingers, making numerous trips as the cloth and water got too dirty.

He pressed a gentle kisses to Fen's hands when he was done, silently apologizing.

Then he went over to the window and sat in front of it, staring out at the emerging sunlight and the shining slick pavement that reflected it's vibrant luminance.

In a moment, he would take a shower, dress in fresh clothes, and go down to the main desk to request some cleaning supplies. He would refuse any assistance and come back to clean the bathroom of his mess.

Then he would wait for Fen to wake up.

It was a new beginning, he thought, as he watched the newborn sun chase away the clouds. For him, and for Fen.

He had much to tell his mate, and much to apologize for.

And for the first time in three years, he felt he was sane enough to do just that.

TO BE CONTINUED