To Become

7:53am - Crap

Ryan left me alone for just a few minutes and I did something stupid. Very stupid. He's going to be so mad... I cut my hair. It's up to my shoulders. He's going to kill me! I don't know why I did it, but I did, and oh crap! I found the scissors in one of the drawers. I mean, I saw him get them out before so I knew where they were. It's not like I was looking around or anything. I think I hear him coming down the hall. I'm going to hide in the closet.

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9:12am - Hair

Ryan finally left after yelling at me for an hour. He opened the door to the room and saw that I wasn't in sight and he says my name loud and stern so I got scared and said, I'm here, don't look for me. Of course that made him wonder why I didn't want him looking for me. He opened the closet door and I had hid behind his jacket. He pulled me out and his eyes went wide and he actually stuttered. "Wha-wha-what did you do?" Nothing. "Your hair..." It fell off. "Bad excuse. Who did it?" No one. "Who did it?" No one... "Did you?" Maybe...

Then he pulled me out of the closet and sat me on the bed and just stared at me. I'm freaking out by this time. Then he starts yelling. "How the hell did you cut your hair! Why did you cut your hair! I didn't tell you to cut your hair! If I don't tell you to do something then you don't do it! I mean why the hell would you even think about disobeying me! And how the hell did you cut your hair!" You asked that twice. "Because I want to know dammit!" Scissors. "Where did you get them?" That drawer. "You went through my stuff?" No. I saw you get them out before. "Never touch my things without permission, understand?"

Then a long lecture then more yelling then Jason came in wondering what was going on. When he opened the door, he started to talk but then noticed me then just paused. I mean is it that big of a deal that I cut my hair? Ryan is still angry. It was just a spur of the moment action. I wasn't even thinking.

I'm going to do the Ryan sigh thing. SIGH!

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5:07pm - Administration

Ryan left me in his room for a while by myself and then when he came back in, he hit me! I knew he was mad...but he didn't have to hit me. My cheek still hurts. It was open handed but still. He put me back in the scary room. I'm sitting on the mattress in here. I don't think he's coming back in today. I don't like being alone.

Before he left, he fixed my hair. Or tried to. I guess I cut it unevenly.

He got a call on his cell phone while he was in here with me. It was Melanie. I found out that she's in New York. Red actually came here to pick her up and bring her with him.

Ryan says that I'm going to have a visitor tomorrow. I'm kind of nervous. I don't like visitors. Ryan said that it was to be some sort of business meeting with him and a member of this administration. He said he wanted to meet me. They're supposedly really good friends as well.

I can't breathe again. I'm still sick. I wish I would get better. Greg gave me some cold-eeze earlier. He said it has zinc or something in it. It's supposed to shorten the length of a cold. I just hope it works.

I smell something yummy. Ryan must be fixing dinner. I wonder what they're having. Maybe I'll get scraps. That's what I remember being in this room. I hate it here. I want out. I'd rather be back downstairs serving those pedophiles than being in this room. Too many bad memories.

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7:46pm - Email

Ryan came back in. He brought me more kleenexes and orange juice. He said I had to drink it. I did. I was thirsty anyway. He's in here with me sitting at the desk looking over some papers. He said that if I'm good, he'll let me play on the laptop before I go to bed. Maybe I can get on the internet and play a game! Or check my email which probably has a million messages in my inbox now! If I got on the internet, he'd be over my shoulder the WHOLE time. I still want to check my email, not that I'd be able to send one, but I could read them. Maybe Ryne sent me emails! Maybe Katie too! More dreaming.

He just told me to do something and I'm not going to do it. I'm just going to ignore him. If Ryan wants me to do it, then he can come over here and help. Did I seriously just write that? What is going on in my head? I just told him to do it. He's getting up now...And now he is in fro

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10:19pm - Hungry

I'm hungry. I told Ryan and he just said "So?" I haven't ate since two days ago. I've had orange juice and this one vitamin, but that's not food. I said that I'd been good when he asked why he should feed me. Still nothing. He did let me get on the laptop. He let me play this one game. It's called Runescape. He watched me closely while I was playing though. I like chopping down trees and making fires. I would never do that in real life though. It's bad for the environment.

I'm really hungry. I'm not trying to starve myself. He isn't feeding me...What did I do? Didn't anyone ever tell him that for a sick person to get better they need to eat. It's called nutrition. My stomach hurts.

I'm going to ask again. He can't deny me food forever.

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10:47pm - Closet

I asked him again. Guess what he did journal? He said, "Okay I'll be right back." When he comes back he has the yucky dog food stuff again. The canned food. I'm not eating it. "I guess you won't be eating at all then." Ryan, I hate you. "Good."

He's back to doing whatever he was doing before. I'm back to doing what I was doing before. He says it's time for bed. I get to sleep in here tonight. Or no I don't.

Sorry I'm back journal. I'm in Greg's room for some reason. Well sort of. I'm actually in his closet. He has a walk in closet. Ryan pulled the mattress out that was in the other room and put it in Greg's closet. It has a light so I asked Greg to leave the light on until he goes to bed. The switch is on the outside. He usually doesn't go to bed until after midnight, so I have time. He said he may bring in a book for me to read. I'm excited.

Maybe I can ask him to sneak me some food. Yeah right. Ryan sigh thing again. SIGH.

I wonder if me being in Greg's room has something to do with this person coming tomorrow. Of course it does. My book! I'm going to read now. Night journal.

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11:09pm - Unfinished

I remembered that I didn't finish my entry from earlier. I was writing "front of me," but Ryan grabbed you away. He laid on top of me for a while just staring at me and running his fingers through my hair. "God you shouldn't have cut your hair." I'm sorry...

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A/N:
That was a longer chapter. I guess Kylie was talkative today. lol and runescape isn't as fun as World of Warcraft but would Ryan really pay $15 a month for an account that probably won't be used that often?

to Linda: I am so sorry that happened! I went through an attempted rape but got away before anything happened. I've also been molested...but being sexually abused by a family member is just wrong. I mean...being sexually abused by anyone is wrong but family you're supposed to trust. *hugs* I really hope that in a way you've been able to put that behind you and have not let that hold you back. Terrible experiences can bring a person strength if they learn to turn it around to do something for the good. The person I mentioned before in my a/n, what happened to him, he has used to help many men who were sexually abused as well and even once stopped a man from suicide. He's really made a difference.

to everyone else: hope you are still enjoying the story. show kylie love. she needs it right now. (me too. kylie and I are both sick with a cold. lol)