The Shadow I'm In

“She didn’t do anything!” I insisted, sticking up for the girl that I barely knew. I heard him snort from beside me.

“Don’t go near her.” His voice sounded almost deadly as he spoke to me, his eyes glaring at the road in front of him. Was this what Ken meant when he said that he worried about me? His voice sounded almost possessive.

“Sh-she came to-to me.” I stated my head hanging down. The car started to slow down. We weren’t at our house yet, why was he slowing down? I watched out of my window as he turned onto a side road, glancing over at him for a moment, almost afraid to ask where we were going because his hands were gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were white.

He drove for a few more miles before turning off onto a dirt road, the car jumping slightly from the change of pavement to gravel. I was afraid. I didn’t know this person. He wasn’t my brother. My brother never spoke more then a few words to me at any given time. I could feel my inside growing cold, my skin starting to crawl and my body start to shake slightly. This was too much. Hadn’t I been through enough these past two days as it was? Why was he doing this?

He pulled off again to drive into the tall yellow grass into a field, stopping after a few minutes. His hand moved the car into park then shut it off. Both of his hands were still on the steering wheel front of him. I was pressed as close to the passenger door as possible.

“Why do you stick up for her?” Were the words that broke the terrifying silence. My heart was beating so loud in my ears that it took me a moment to understand what he said.

“I-I don-don’t know.” I had been wondering the same thing. The fast movements that he made from beside me took me off guard as he took off his seatbelt and leaned over the consol of the car, his strong muscled arms reached over for my smaller form, gripping and pulling me to his chest. My breath stopped for a moment. This wasn’t like the light touch at the hospital or the brushing of hands or legs at the table. He wanted this. He made this happen.

I could hear his heart pounding in his chest, my ear pressing over top of the spot where it was located. His body was warm wrapped around me. I had longed to be touched like this by him. To be held so tightly in his arms. But it scared me as it happened. I couldn’t make my body relax against him. To relax against the body that I had craved for so long. My body was trembling.

“Do I scare you that much?” His voice was softer now, almost a whisper.

Yes, I wanted to shout at him. Yes, you never look twice at me, have never touched me like this before and yet here you are holding me. I wanted to cry, to scream even. Just to do something, but my body was frozen. My body remembered, even if my mind did not at the moment, what Ken had done to it. He had held me too. Ken had whispered words into my ear, had told me things I didn’t want to hear. He scared me.

Tears prickled at the corners of my eyes. I had cried more in these two days then I had ever had before. I couldn’t help it. All these emotions and feels running around in my head and caressing over my body. It was too much. Why couldn’t things go back to how they were before? Why did Ken have to screw everything up? I can see it now. People in school looking at me. The teachers, the students. Everyone. With worried eyes, and sometimes sad. It frightened me more then what he was doing now. I want to go back to being invisible. I let hot tears roll down my cheeks, my hands going to clutch at the front of his shirt.

“Yes.” I stated to answer his long ago question. His body jerked just slightly for a moment away from my smaller one. It must have shocked him. Shocked him that he scares me.

“I see.” His arms loosened around me a moment later, allowing me to fall back into my seat next to him.

“Scott.” I stated softly, saying his name for the first time, since I could remember. He stopped in his retreat, seeming almost as surprised about his name coming from my lips as when he found out I was scared of him. “Please, I-” I couldn’t find the right words. I felt dirty, clinging to him. Dirty from all the things that Ken had done to me. I felt like screaming again as tears still fell down my cheeks. And dirty from how I felt about my older brother. I shouldn’t feel this way about him. I shouldn’t love him like I do. He’s my world.

“Its okay Basil.” He cooed softly to me, one of his large hands going to rub at my back. This is how I wanted things from the very beginning. For him to hold me like he was now. For him to touch our lips together softly, then to grow more passionate. I wanted him to be the one to-

I pushed on his chest then, pushing him away from me. I’m dirty. I squeezed my eyes shut as I moved away from him.

“Please, stop.” I stated, my voice tearful. I couldn’t let him touch me. I would only make him dirty. Why did Ken have to do this to me? I can’t handle this. Him being so nice to me. Acting like I really was there. He never has done that before. Its all because of what Ken did to me. I heard a sigh before the warmth of his body pulled away from me. I moved to push myself close to the door again, pulling my legs up onto the seat with me. He righted himself in his seat and re-buckled his seatbelt.

My heart was beating quickly within my chest, my body shaking. We had been so close. He had held me. We pulled back out onto the main road after a while, heading to our house for sure this time.

He held me. He held me like he would have someone he really cared about. Maybe what Ken had said was right. He cares about me, and worries about me. I can remember all their faces back in the classroom, worried expressions. Even the teacher’s. Why did they care about me? Why does he care about me? I’m nothing. I’m not good at anything like he is. I’m dirty. I let myself be used like a common whore. I didn’t stop Ken from using my body. He would have stopped someone from doing that to him. I didn’t though.

“I was scared.” He broke the silence as we turned onto the road to our family’s home. I looked over at him. “I was scared when they told me that the ambulance was there to take you away. That you had collapsed in the hallway and had banged your head on the floor rather hard and wouldn’t wake up.” He paused for a moment, his teeth coming out to bite on his bottom lip. “I felt my whole body grow cold. I was so scared that I wouldn’t get to see you again.” He just left it at that as we pulled into the driveway. He parked the car next to mom and dad’s and left.

I sat in the car, my mind processing the new information that he had just given me. Why did he just leave after he said those things? Why couldn’t he have told me why? Or when he started caring about me? He never acted like it before, why start now?


The next day of school was filled with questions, mostly from my teachers and Crimson. Who, despite my attempt to not speak to her like he said not to, followed me and talked to me anyway. My head was still filled with the words that he had said yesterday. He didn’t say anything to me the rest of the night, seeming to avoid me when we were in the same room as each other. I was wondering why he had been like that when only earlier that day he held me, and spoke to me like he cared. His behavior after we got home was nothing like the him beforehand.

A knock came at the door to our classroom, making the teacher stop mid-sentence and the students to look to the door. A ‘come in’ was yelled from the teacher before the door opened. My heart started pounding as Ken walked through the door, a smile blooming over his face.

“I’m here for Basil Aden. The office wants him.” Every eye in the room turned to look at me. Why would one of the baseball players want me, was probably going through their minds. I felt fear grip my stomach as I stood from my seat. “Oh! And you won’t be returning. This will take the rest of the day.” That wasn’t saying much, seeing as how we only had about 30 minutes left of school.

I picked up my stuff, carrying it in my arms as my eyes pleaded with someone to stop me. I didn’t want to go with him. Please someone stop me! Save me from him. My feet were going as slowly as I could without causing it to look like I was going slow for some reason. My mind was going totally blank as I reached the older boy and we left the classroom.

He gripped my arm as the door closed firmly behind us. I wanted to run from him. To get as far away as possible. We walked a little ways, toward the hall of lockers, there were no classroom doors around there. No one would see what he would do to me unless they walked by.

“Put your stuff in your locker, they‘re waiting for you in the office. Something about the school’s liability or something like that.” The smile had dropped from his face, leaving a hard frown in its place. I trembled as he let me go and I headed over to do as he said. The metal rattled as I opened my locker, quickly stuffing my books and binders inside, trying to be as quick as I could, not wanting to make him mad so he would hurt me more.

My body was visibly shaking by the time I walked back over to him. He took my arm again and led me around some more through our school. Is that all he was there for? He wasn’t going to hurt me, use me again? My body was starting to calm down slightly, my breath coming easier.

My brow frowned after a moment. This wasn’t the way to the office. My eyes grew wide as I missed a step and stumbled, my form hit his form, my free hand clutched at his clothing to keep myself from falling to the hard floor. His eyes were on me as I regained my balance, a smirk now present on his face. This was the way to the gym, a place I tried hard to evade.

“Aww, Basil. Falling for me?” My eyes went to the floor, it was an over used line for sure and a corny one, but it wasn’t what mattered at the moment. Our journey began again, he never once let go of me as we moved. I did try to pull myself free from his hold, but he only made it tighter making me wince. I was sure I was going to have a bruise there come morning.

The large area was empty as he pushed the door open and pulled me through. His large body pressed me against the wall right next to the door, his hand leaving my arm so that both could be placed on either side of my hips. His breathing was growing heavier as my hands pushed against his chest to try to dislodge him from his place.

“Remember. Make a noise and more pain will come.” I bit my bottom lip to keep from crying out as he pulled me from the wall and fast stepped over to the boys’ locker room.

“Please don’t.” I whispered out to him.

“You didn’t protest much last time. Scott wouldn’t like it if he knew you were arguing with me.” Once we entered the foal smelling locker room he pushed me up against the wall again, claiming my lips. My eyes closed, my mind trying to make this all go away. To make it a part of my imagination, but the way his tongue ran across my tightly closed lips kept it from being so. “Come on Basil. Open your lips for me. I promise you’ll like it.” This boy. He took away everything from me. I shook my head, my lips staying closed along with my eyes.

“He wouldn’t want you to do this-” His mouth covered mine, his tongue slipping into my mouth as soon as we came into contact. My eyes opened wide, my hands once again going up to push against his chest. He was so much larger and stronger then I was. It was my fault for opening my mouth to talk, to give this to him as well. I don’t want this! I could feel his tongue running over my teeth, over the soft flesh of the insides of my cheeks, touching my own tongue that coward at the bottom of my mouth.

One of his hands held my chin, keeping my chin in place for him to violate my mouth. The other was caressing my skin through my shirt, working its way down so that it was at the hem before long. His finger tips moved under my shirt. Making my body try to squirm away from his touch on my bare skin. My eyes were squeezed shut again and I tried with all my strength to pull away. I pushed on his shoulders and forcefully turned my head to the side.

“Please. Let me go. I don’t want this!” My voice rose slightly but not enough to bring anyone else. I heard him snort.

“I don’t care what you want.” His hand brought my head up again. “Look at me.” I kept my eyes shut. “Look at me!” His fingers gripped so tightly it forced my jaw open, my eyes slid open to look up at Ken. “All he does is talk about you when we’re together. That’s all he talks about nothing else. I couldn’t even talk to him yesterday because he was pulling his hair out because you were hurt.” My expression must have looked confused because Ken laughed softly. “Basil this, Basil that. That’s all he ever says when we’re alone.” Was Ken jealous of me? But he has nothing to be jealous of! He doesn’t even talk to me. Doesn’t do anything. A brush of limbs, that’s it. “He called me last night crying and whining about how you didn’t want him to hug you and that you are scared of him.” Did he really? I felt tears coming to the corners of my eyes. No matter what he said my jaw was hurting!

“Hurts.” I managed to get out from my lips.

“I know something that hurts more.” He released my jaw and spun me quickly around so that my chest was pressed to the wall more. My hands braced me there as I felt his working their way down to the waist of my jeans.

“No!” I pushed against the wall to try to dislodge him but nothing worked. His hands had unfastened my belt, the two ends clicking together with my struggle and Ken’s hands in their way. The button on my jeans came next, then the sound of the metal zipper being pulled down. “Please, stop.” I sobbed out. We were in school! Anyone could come in here and see this. See him using me. “Please.” My pants had been dropped down my legs, pooling around my feet. He could come in here. He comes to this place everyday. I felt his hands at the waist band of my boxers, pulling on the hem to make them slide down my backside. “Please Ken.” I begged. “Stop.”

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A/N: Okay if you e-mailed me about being my beta, I’ve e-mailed you back! Check your e-mail guys! I sent everyone one so no one would be kept wondering. Because I hate when I email someone about something and they never e-mail me back. If you didn’t get the e-mail, then I don’t have your right e-mail address. I got a few of my emails back even though I pushed the reply button on the messages that you sent me and didn’t type out your e-mail addresses. *sigh*

Oh! And for those that want, I can give you and e-mail every time I update so you don‘t have to keep checking back! Just leave your e-mail address in a review! I've already doing it for a few other people, why not do it for everyone? Lol.