Confessions

As if sensing my discomfort, Kevin took my hand and led me to the couch once more. Setting down with me, he offered me a small smile. Before I could open my mouth and make a fool of myself, he spoke quietly. "Nothing really has to change, you know. Not if you don't want it to. But... If you do, I understand."

Good God, he was thinking I wanted to leave? I opened my mouth to protest, but he carefully laid his fingers on my lips to keep me silent. When he pulled them away, my lips tingled where he had touched me.

"I don't want things to change so much as to not have you around. I want you to stay." Looking away from me for a moment, he took a deep, steadying breath, as if the next thing he had to say was so monumental he didn't know if he could get it past his tongue. "I'd... Like to try. If... If it's what you want, too. I know there's at least ten years between us, but... That doesn't bother me. If you want it, I'd like..." He glanced at me and then away again.

It was my turn to bring his gaze to mine. When I touched his face, he winced. I think he was afraid of what I had to say. I offered him a small smile and then opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. All I could do was look at him. The raw emotion in his eyes had simply taken any ability to voice my feelings from me. How had I missed this all these years? How had I been so oblivious to how he felt?

With words escaping me, I did the only thing I could do. I kissed him. The butterflies roiling in my stomach exploded as our lips met. The kiss was soft, and chaste, but it got my point across better than any words could have ever done. It didn't last long, a few seconds, and then it was over. I was pulling away from him, watching him, gauging his reaction. I was so worried I might have misinterpreted what he had said, even though I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no way his words could have meant anything else.

Sitting across from me, Kevin blinked mutely. I had taken his voice from him, it seemed. I was worried when he looked like he was holding his breath. Cautiously I reached up and touched his cheek, my single word barely above a whisper. "Dad?" That one word shocked him into breathing, it seemed, as he drew in a sharp, deep breath, shaking like a dog.

His eyes met mine and he opened his mouth to speak again. "Don't call me that anymore. My name is Kevin. I want to hear it come from your lips." With that, he moved faster than I remembered him being. His lips pressed into mine, taking me completely by surprise. I went rigid only for a moment, but it was enough to confuse him. Slowly he pulled back and looked worriedly at me. God, I didn't want him pull away. Reaching out to touch his shoulder, I looked deep into his eyes. Softly, I spoke two simple words.

"Kevin, please." It was all the prompting he needed.

Coming to me again, he kissed me softly at first. I think he was afraid of me pulling from him again. I was ready for him this time, though, so instead, I leaned into him, returning it. The taste of him was amazing. His lips were warm against mine. Sure and confident. He took his time, tasting me thoroughly, never moving closer.

As he kissed me, my hand came up to rest on his shoulder, and then to move up, tangling in his hair. I had wanted this for so long it hurt. I leaned back, bringing him with me as I lay on the couch. With his weight above me, I sank into the cushions. My other hand soon joined the first, holding him to me, never wanting him to go. As I held him to me, he parted his lips and softly ran his tongue along the crease of mine, asking permission to deepen the kiss. I instantly granted it, a small groan of pent-up feelings escaping me as my lips parted for him. His hands framed my head, using his forearms to support most of his weight as he kissed me.

He was pulling away far before I wanted him to, both our breathing labored. He smiled down at me, laying beneath him. "God, you're beautiful," he breathed into the silence. I flushed softly, not wanting him to move. However, as much as I didn't want him to, he carefully lifted himself off of me, sitting up, offering a hand to help me. I accepted, looking askance at him, to which he shrugged and replied, "Dinner's almost ready. We don't need it to burn." With that, he got up and moved to the stove, pulling a set of potholders out of the drawer nearest it.

Sighing, I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to decide what to do. I finally settled on helping once again. Moving to the dish cupboard, I pulled down the needed plates and glasses, arranging them on the table for us before retrieving the salad and milk from the refrigerator. After setting that in the middle of the table, I went back for silverware. Smiling, Kevin purposely stood in my way, dropping back to our old games. "Oh," he smiled. "Do you need in that drawer? Well, pardon me." But he didn't move. Instead, he wiggled in front of the drawer, using his backside to keep the drawer firmly closed.

Crossing my arms under my bust, I pretended to glare at him. "Fine. You can eat like a Neanderthal, using your fingers, but I don't intend to. I'll go get my chopsticks, if needs be."

Letting go a dramatic sigh, he rolled his eyes and moved. "Fine, fine. Take all the fun out of scalding your fingertips trying to eat baked lasagna. Where's the thrill in that?" While picking at me, he cut the lasagna with the spatula and used the two potholders to take it to the table, placing it on the wooden hot plate we kept there for the hot dishes. Making a scene of dropping the potholders to the table, he huffed again, waiting for me to come and sit down before seating himself. He could be so funny at times.

We sat and ate in each other's comfortable company for a little while, occasionally glancing up at one another. There were so many things I wanted to say to him, to ask him. I just couldn't get the words past my tongue.

Finally, when I thought I couldn't bare it any longer, I got up the nerve to speak. "Da- I mean Kevin..."

Looking up from his fork full of lasagna, he smiled softly at me. "Hmm?"

Swallowing the lump in my throat down, I glanced at my salad, poking a bit of tomato with the tip of my fork. Now that I had his attention, I didn't know where to start. "Um..." Looking back up at him, I think he realized there were a lot of unasked questions flitting through my mind. He smiled at me again and set his fork down.

"I know this is going to be hard. For both of us. I knew that before I decided to ask you to try. However... There's something I have to ask of you. I know it's unfair, and it's going to be hard, but for now, it's what has to be done. We have to keep this between us. No one can find out. Not yet, at least. At least not until the divorce is final. I don't need Carin using it against us. And I don't want to see you get hurt." He reached across the table and gently placed his hand on top of mine. I was trembling.

I knew this was coming. I had expected it. I just hadn't wanted to hear it. I knew he was right, though.