What if?
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Original - Misc › -Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
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Category:
Original - Misc › -Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
5
Views:
2,365
Reviews:
40
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.
5.Heartache.
A/N: Soooo sorry for taking so long to update! I hope you're still with me, this chapter was so difficult it gave me hell, but here it is, I hope you like it.
And thank you; saminada, romanticfae, womo, Lygia, L.S and Mathea, for leaving me reviews!
And Lygia, thanks for reminding me, kicking my ass to write *hugs* this chapter is for you. n_n
I won't take as long with the next chapter, I promise.
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5. What if?
He didn’t want to cry, he had decided that he wouldn’t and yet… he could feel the tears, he could feel them trying to force themselves into the corners of his eyes and he blinked rapidly, trying to will them gone. He shook his head continuing to walk, but the images kept returning…
Tony had kissed her, he had kissed Fiona, he could see her smiling face, the look in her eyes when she had been facing Tony; the girl had fallen for him. When? How? It had not been for his eyes, Tony hadn’t meant for him to see, but he had… He had… At the mall, in front of the book store, second floor, close to the railing where you could see down. His hand had rested briefly on her face, sweeping the escaped lock of hair away…
His chest felt heavy, his shoulders sank; did Tony love her? He hadn’t meant to be there, it was by chance that he had gone to the bookstore… He reached home, stepping into the warm hall, starting to take off his jacket. The pain in his chest refused to leave and he wanted nothing more than to forget what he had seen, but he couldn’t.
Tony had told him that his grandmother was visiting… that’s why they couldn’t meet until later, at the evening, after his dance practice. How long had it been going on? When would Tony tell him?
“Oh, you’re home already?” His mother stood at the doorway to the kitchen, looking at him, smiling. “You didn’t find the book?”
“What? Oh the book…” He muttered and then shook his head, “no, not the one that I was looking for… I guess I need to order it.” Michael shrugged his shoulders, hanging his coat on the hanger. He had lurked behind the shelves like some spy, or worse; a stalker. He felt like an idiot when the woman at the bookstore came over to ask if he needed any help, and all he had been able to do was to shake his head.
“Dinner will be ready soon,” his mother told him as he already walked towards the stairs.
“Oh, I think I’ll eat little later, I’m not that hungry.” Michael told her, trying to smile.
“Is everything alright, dear?” She asked,
“Yes, everything is fine,” he tried to assure with somewhat cheerful voice. She nodded, though still seemed doubtful.
Finally, in the safety of his room, he could allow the tears to come through. Why did it hurt so much? He struggled to breathe, walked over to his bed and sat, knees drawn to his chest, resting his chin on them. There had been signs of it for so long, Tony hadn’t stopped flirting; if anything, he had been doing it more now than when they had still been just friends. Michael knew why, he tried so desperately hide the fact that he himself was gay as well, to this, Michael smiled bitterly; no, not gay, Tony was bisexual, though Tony found it hard even admitting to that. In Tony’s words he wasn’t gay; he just liked him that way. But what did that make him then?
Michael didn’t want to think of it much, he had been happy, he loved Tony and had convinced himself that it would be enough, but it wasn’t, was it? For the first time in a long time did he finally allow himself to study his own heart deeper, to list the things that he wanted for himself and his future.
One: for Tony to be his in public, not just when they were alone; two: to feel loved; three: to finish high school, maybe move to London; four: study as a cook; five: somehow bind all of this together; have a boyfriend, be independent and happy. But would that ever be possible with Tony? How long could he be able to wait for him? And would all that waiting eventually be for nothing?
To have a boyfriend… Michael wondered… drifting his gaze outside where it rained. Tony was jealous, jealous if he looked at another, if another looked at him… And at the same time, didn’t he see Tony looking at girls? Flirting with them? And he was suppose to accept it, be quiet about it, and to not suffocate Tony with his want to be together in front of everyone. It wasn’t fair for him, was it? Michael didn’t want to pressure Tony, but didn’t Tony have any more respect for him? Had he forgotten to be a friend when he had become a lover? Was there a future for them? Michael had been too scared to think about it before, perhaps he already knew the answer and perhaps…
He stood up, walked over to the window and gazed outside. He loved Tony with all his heart, even when he hurt him, he still loved him and he remembered all their games as children, Tony had followed him everywhere, been interested in what he thought before making the decision for himself, Tony had worshiped him, looked up to him…and yet they had been equals… Michael touched the cold glass… going back to when it had changed, when it had become complicated…And it traced back to the night when he had confessed he was gay… Something had been lost, when other things had been gained… Michael felt another tear fall down on his skin; he closed his eyes and reopened them… Somehow, he realised, they stopped being friends when they became lovers… And now, hurt by his lover’s actions, he could not go to his friend to make it better… He lost his best friend and this realisation made the pain grow worse than anything his lover could have done; he allowed his forehead to come against the cold glass, his heart was breaking and the pain was tearing him apart.
He wanted to forget, maybe if he would forget what he had seen; it could somehow… turn alright again, deep down, he already knew it to be impossible.
**^^**^^**^^**^^**
That evening he had a dance practice and Michael felt glad to have his thoughts away from Tony, at least he hoped to get them away, but it soon became clear that it was affecting more or less to his dancing. He felt frustrated with himself and with everything. Even Valecio took notice of his absent mind and his clumsiness. The man was displeased, Michael was sure of it and Rachel, she tried to laugh it off, telling him that she didn’t mind, that it just couldn’t work every time, she was nice and understanding but it didn’t help to way he felt; like a failure.
And after the class was over, he asked for a permission to stay behind and continue practising himself, Valecio consented, giving him a little less than an hour, after which he had to lock the place up. He was left alone.
He turned the music back on, stood in front of the mirror and closed his eyes, trying to get into the mood, trying to drift off to a state of mind where only the music would be important, when everything real would grow to be indifferent, unimportant for that time.
Having said goodbye to the rest of his students, Valecio walked quietly back into the dance hall. He stood at the door, watching Michael quietly. Earlier the boy had stumbled, fallen out of the rhythm, seemed absent and forgetful while dancing with his partner, but now…
His movements were back into being graceful and smooth, his feet carried him effortlessly on the floor, making him one with the music and it would have made every viewer fascinated. The boy was beautiful; his features delicate and strong at the same time and even Valecio couldn’t remember ever seeing such a beautiful creature before. All in all, the boy seemed to be a fascinating combination of sexuality and innocence… Perhaps one of the best students he had ever had the pleasure of teaching and he knew… The boy was gay, he had heard the whispers and perhaps this knowledge had only increased his desire, knowing that perhaps it wouldn’t be totally unwelcome by the young one.
During the time he had known the boy, he had come to see that Michael wasn’t just a pretty face, or a sexy body, he was intelligent and witty, which made every inch of that outer beauty even more inviting.
Valecio finally decided to make his presence known by clapping his hands together, which made the youth almost jump in fright before he turned and gave his teacher a shy and questioning smile.
“That was very well done…” He complimented.
“Thank you… I didn’t do so well earlier though…” Michael answered, still looking at him.
“Perhaps you’re better on your own, or… with a different partner.” Valecio grinned, walking closer; Michael cocked his eyebrow at him.
“Turn around,” Valecio smiled and Michael did, facing the mirror once more. The man came behind him, placing his hands on his waist.
“Sometimes, it’s the partner who just doesn’t match, they might not be right with you and make you stumble…” he whispered, looking in his eyes through the mirror and the way he looked at him, the way he spoke and the way he touched him, made Michael’s heart beat faster and his skin felt flustered. “…sometimes even fall…”
“Rachel is a good dancer, I don’t believe that…” Michael started,
“I didn’t say she wasn’t, she is good, great in fact… but as I said none of this matters if the partner doesn’t match…” his breath tickled Michael’s neck and he looked at their reflections from the mirror, the man’s hands encouraged his hips to start moving with the music; slowly, slowly…until they both repeated the same move, “Dancing…it’s almost like making love…as corny as it sounds…” Valecio grinned and Michael swallowed; the heat of Valecio’s body behind his heightened his senses. “…there must be passion to make it work for both… and there must be mutual trust…” The man’s hands moved on his sides, almost caressing and the movements grew as the music did as did the heath… “…feel it?” Valecio asked, sliding his hands down on his arms, until he took a hold of his hands and brought them against his chest, his lips almost brushing against his neck.
“Yes,” Michael breathed out; Valecio freed his one hand, keeping the hold of the other as he spun him around so they’d be face to face,
“When it’s right, you’ll know the others’ moves even before they’re made, you learn how to read the language of the body,” The man smiled at him, pulling him close and then spinning him around again, “you are talented, Michael…” he whispered to his ear, “you could become a star if you wanted to…” They were facing the mirror again, “…but you’d have to change a partner, or dance on your own…” Michael looked in the man’s eyes, through the mirror; it almost felt as if he was talking about Tony and not Rachel, though it made no sense… Valecio didn’t know about him and Tony, did he?
Michael turned this time, on his own, facing his teacher.
“And what if…” he started, “it feels difficult to let go?”
“Not every choice is easy, but you don’t know unless you try…you’re still very young Michael…” During some point, they had both stilled from dancing and were now just quietly looking at each other.
“If you want…” Valecio whispered,
“Yes?”
“If you want, I could give you private dancing lessons, at my home?” Michael looked down, unable to hide a smile.
“Private lessons?” He asked, aware that the man’s hands still rested on his sides and… “Mr Moreira,” Michael smiled, “excuse me for being blunt with you, but are you flirting with me?”
The man smiled, amused and pleased with the boy’s courage.
“Would you think that I’m being very bad if I said yes?” He asked, looking straight into his eyes.
Michael was quiet for awhile, grinned.
“No, I wouldn’t say that you’re very bad.”
“Then what would you think about those private lessons?”
Again Michael was quiet, just looking at the man, he couldn’t deny that he wasn’t interested; he couldn’t say that he wouldn’t have thought of it, but he hadn’t expected him to act upon it. Now, however, Tony’s betrayal fresh in his mind, his curiosity woken…
“I might be interested,” he told him, flashing him a brief smile, pushing away the guilt he automatically felt.
“How about we start this Saturday evening?” Valecio smirked at him.
“I will have to check my calendar, but… I think I am free then.” Michael answered, nodding his head.
“I will give you my number and let me know by Friday, ok?”
“It’s a deal.” Michael wondered whether or not he was doing the right thing, in his mind he made a deal with himself, that it would all depend on how Tony would behave next day at school, if he would be honest or if he’d choose to lie.
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Tuesday, Tony was his happy self. He didn’t say a word about Fiona, he didn’t say a word that he had been at the mall, instead Tony complained about his grandmother making it sound like he had spent the whole evening at home. Inside Michael felt angry and hurt, outside he pretended clueless. He wanted to hear it from Tony, he wanted his friend to be true to him, he hoped that by the end of the week he’d tell him, that the guilt would become too much for him to bear.
Of course Michael could have told him, confronted him, but it was easier said than done. He didn’t want to start fighting, he didn’t want to feel more hurt than he already did, everything or at least part would be saved if Tony would just come clean to him, if he’d tell that he had seen Fiona, but that nothing more than a kiss had been shared, that it was over and he had been foolish… But Friday came and such a thing hadn’t happened. Tony even cancelled their date, using his grandmother as an excuse, suggested Saturday instead. Michael’s mind had been made, if Tony cheated on him, he’d cheat him back, something to take the pain away. Michael didn’t answer Tony when he left the school, he didn’t answer his phone calls until Saturday, just before leaving to meet Valecio and he told Tony; he told him that he knew, told him that he was sorry that Tony hadn’t told him himself, he ended the call, giving no time for the other boy to defend himself, what was the use? It was clearly over, but Michael refused to let his world end because of it.
Valicio picked him up from the mall, for all Michael’s parents knew, was that he was out with Tony, he knew that most likely they wouldn’t have approved him meeting with his 25 year old dance teacher on a Saturday evening, especially had they known that he was going at his place.
Michael felt slightly nervous the closer to the apartment they got. Deep down he questioned if this was at all the right choice, whether or not he should have talked with Tony, but what was the use? His friend would surely just give him the same old excuses that he was tired of hearing. He thought back, hadn’t it been him who always had to call Tony now? Wasn’t it always Tony to whom it seemed difficult to find time, they always met in his conditions, he always promised, but lately more and more he had failed to keep his promises.
“My apartment isn’t that big, unfortunately teaching doesn’t pay as much as I would like,” Valecio grinned, letting him in. Michael nodded, giving him a smile.
“I don’t mind,” he told him, taking his jacket off, carefully looking around, he walked further in.
“There is room for dancing though,” Valecio assured, walking to the living room to turn some music on. Michael followed; there were various photographs of people and landscapes on the walls. “My friend is a photographer,” the man told him, “and I’m in love with his work.” He walked closer to where Michael stood, “these are from Brazil, here’s my sister and her husband… here are their two kids… My friend was with me one time and I asked him to take these.”
“Do you miss home?” Michael asked, smiling as he looked at the two small kids in the picture; girl and a boy, the girl smiling brightly, missing two of her front teeth’s.
“Yes, I miss the warmth, I’m freezing here and it’s so grey all the time, or so it seems to me.” Valecio grinned; Michael glanced at him and smiled.
“Perhaps you’ll get used to it?”
“Perhaps…” Valecio nodded, looking closely at him. “Michael, have you ever thought about modelling?”
The question surprised him at first, but then he nodded.
“I have, well after few people have asked me about it”
“The reason I asked is because I was talking to my friend the other day, I happened to mention you and well, if you’d be interested, perhaps you could model for him one day? It could be a great opportunity for you both. He lives in London though.”
“I could think about it… Most likely after I finish school this year, I’ll move to London anyway.”
“Really?”
“Yes, my dream is to become a chef one day,”
“Bossing other people around in the kitchen?” Valecio grinned.
“Well, I don’t know about that, I just like to cook.” Michael grinned back.
“A cooking model, how about that?”
Michael laughed,
“Perhaps,” he glanced at Valecio again, “if it gets me where I want to be.”
“And where would that be?”
“Happy, making my own way… you know? I wish to travel and see places, I’d hate to get stuck in one place for the rest of my life and on the other hand, after I’ve seen places, I do want to settle down. Money would be of advantage, it doesn’t make one happy but it certainly makes it easier.”
“That it does, I am forced to count most of my pennies, it’s not fun, you get by, somehow the money seems turn up from some where, just as you’re getting desperate, but... it would be easier to know that it is there when you need it. “
Michael took another look around and saw a shelf filled with cd’s, he walked closer.
“You have lots of these,”
“Yes, that’s what happens when one has a passion for music,” Valecio smiled, “would you like some wine?”
“Yes please,” Michael smiled at him, taking one cd for a closer look.
“Red or white?”
“Hm, either is fine,” Michael replied, hoping that the wine would take away his nervousness. He was still unsure of what he was doing and when Valecio returned with two glasses of red wine, all he could think of was Tony and their first night together.
“Would you like to listen to that cd?” The man asked touching his shoulder.
“hm… yeah, I mean, if you don’t mind?”
“Of course not,” Valecio smiled, took the cd from his hand and changed it, Spanish music started to play, more soft and sensual that the music before had been, it almost made Michael blush.
“Should we start?” Valecio placed both of their wine glasses away, took Michael’s hand and guided him to the centre of the room, with more open pace.
He placed his hand on Michael’s lower back, bringing him closer, they stood in the same height, and Michael found it difficult to look in his eyes just then. What was he doing there? His mind kept asking him, nagging him; he should have talked with Tony. But Tony had hurt him, it was the reason why, and he didn’t want to think of him! Not now.
Slowly they began to move, Michael felt Valecio’s hands caressing him, guiding him, he close his eyes, but still his mind was nagging him. This was too fast, it was wrong…
“You’re too tense Michael, relax…” Michael opened his eyes to look at the man who smiled at him, caressed his cheek, “just relax,” he repeated.
“I try… but my mind…” he shook his head softly. Valecio guided him to sit on the sofa and gave him the glass of wine.
“Tell me?” He asked, taking a careful sip.
“It’s my boyfriend… I- I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I have a boyfriend.” Michael glanced at him nervously and to his surprise he saw the man giving him a slight smile.
“I guessed that you might have someone, that your absence could be due to heartache,” he nodded. “You can talk to me,” he assured, taking his hand in his.
“Well… He’s my best friend; I’ve been in love with him for a few years now and…” Michael took a pause and another sip of his wine, “when I first told him that I was gay, he wanted nothing to do with me, but in the end… he came to me, told me that he loves me as well…but the thing is…” Michael sighed. “I’m out of the closet and some people give me hard time about being gay, and Tony, well he’s there acting nothing more than my friend, but when we’re alone, only when we’re alone are we together and I- I want more than that. It’s been four months now, almost five, I know it’s short but at the same time I don’t see it changing and… I’ve seen him flirting with girls, earlier this week I saw him kissing one, after he had told me an excuse of why we couldn’t meet. This happened on Monday.”
“I understand now, I’m not surprised of why you were so…”
“Horrible?” Michael suggested with a small laughter.
“I was going to say distracted,” Valecio grinned.
“Do you think I’m being selfish? Or unreasonable?” Michael asked looking at him. The man shook his head.
“No, it’s not selfish to want to show your relationship in public. I do understand your friends point, coming out isn’t easy, but I understand your point as well and perhaps it is good for you to consider whether or not you both get what you want out of this relationship.”
“I’m scared of loosing him, he’s always been there as my friend… lately I’ve been wondering if I’ll destroy what’s left of our relationship by continuing to be his boyfriend… I’m afraid that in the end we both find ourselves bitter and blaming the other for things gone wrong, that he would blame me for pressuring him and I would blame him for not giving me enough. What if we end up hating each other?” Michael glanced at Valecio again, almost hoping that he could give him the right answers.
“Sounds to me that you already know what the best thing to do is.” The man smiled, caressing his arm softly, suggestively.
Michael glanced at him, before he emptied his glass,
“Can I have some more?” He asked, he just wanted to forget.
“Sure,” Valecio got the bottle and refilled his glass, watched as the boy began to move in the room, looking at the pictures, sipping the wine.
“You seem nervous.” Valecio took note, tilting his head, “do I make you nervous?” He was still seated on the couch. Michael glanced at him, smiling a little.
“No, and yes…” he admitted, taking another big sip of the wine.
Valecio stood up slowly,
“Why is that?” He asked, smiling as he slowly circled the boy. It made Michael chuckle, he looked away shyly.
“Because…” He whispered, looking at the pictures again, he felt the man coming closer until he stood behind him.
“Why?” He whispered to his ear, running his hand gently on his arm.
“I shouldn’t be here…”
“But you are…” Valecio turned Michael to face him. “Do you want to be?” He asked, lifting his chin up.
“I’ve had dirty thoughts about you…and…” Michael blurted out, hiding his embarrassed with a smirk.
“Really?” Valecio smirked back. “Tell me more?”
Michael pulled away, smiling.
“I can’t…”
“Why?”
“I just can’t…I shouldn’t have come here.” He emptied the second glass of wine, placed it down and looked at him. There was a long moment of silence.
“Do you want me?” Michael asked quietly. Valecio was taken with surprise; he raised his eyebrow and smiled.
“Yes, I do want you,” he nodded, “very much in fact…” He came closer again, touched Michaels face before brushing his lips against his, touching them with his thump. “Do you want me? You can still push me away, Michael.” His tongue licked him carefully; his hand travelling from his neck, lower to his back, gently brushing his butt, Michael couldn’t help but to moan quietly.
“I-I might be just using you…” Michael whispered.
“I know…” Valecio whispered back and claimed his lips to a hungry kiss.
Michael felt Valecio’s hands squeezing his butt cheeks and he moaned, answered to the kiss, wanting so badly for the pain in his chest to go away.
It may have been stupid, but once it had started, Michael couldn’t stop. He wanted to feel, he wanted to taste, he was curious, Valecio’s hands felt different from Tony’s, he kissed differently, or maybe it just felt different when he wasn’t in love with the man? It would be just sex, Michael thought, and it was all that it needed to be.
The man’s hands came to unbutton his shirt, his arousal was clear, his breathing heavy and hot on his skin, his eyes dark and lustful…
Valecio managed to remove his shirt fast, his hands caressing his naked chest and stomach,
“Do you want this?” He asked, huskily, looking deep into Michael’s eyes. For a moment Michael was silent. Perhaps it was the wine, perhaps the look of hunger in the man’s eyes, perhaps most of all it was the pain in his heart that made him kiss him again; thus giving him his answer.
Valecio caressed his naked skin, worshipped his body with his hands, played with his nipples.
“Beautiful… you’re so beautiful” Valecio whispered mesmerized with the younger male. He could feel the throbbing in his trousers, achingly hard already, “I want you…please…”
Michael smiled at his plea and leaned forward to catch his lips in to another heated kiss. He moved his hips against him, feeling his arousal clearly, feeling his own waking. He didn’t want to think about what he was doing, he just wanted to forget, get lost with the moment and forget.
It was all that Valecio could take; he collected him in his arms, carried him into the bedroom where he laid him down on the bed. Standing before it, starting to undress himself, casting the clothes away quickly, he leaned on top of the boy, undressed the rest of his clothes before getting on the bed with him.
He had chest hair, Michael noticed, dark chest hair and… Michael felt unsure, was this what he really wanted? Valecio climbed on top of him, smiling at him, kissing him hungrily.
It felt so much different than it did with Tony,
“Relax…” The man whispered, trailing his lips on his skin, further down, down until he reached his erection and took it in his mouth, began sucking on him. Michael grasped the sheets; close his eyes tightly, pleasure was spreading through his body and yet in his mind all he could think of was Tony.
He opened his eyes when the warmth left his organ, he could see Valecio taking something from the bedside table; lube and a condom. He spread some on his hand and smiled at him,
“This might feel cold,” he told him, before bringing his hand down between his thighs.
Valicio leaned over to kiss him, while preparing him with his fingers, and soon enough, the fingers were gone and the head of his cock pushing in. Michael close his eyes again, pain shooting up on his spine, what was he doing? Valecio kissed him again, rocking against him, his groans of pleasure filling the room. He flipped them over,
“Ride me,” he whispered, his hands on his hips, looking lustfully at him. Michael rested his hands on his chest… he close his eyes, started rocking his hips, while Valecios hands guided him. He felt the mans hands sneaking up to his own organ, starting to stroke him, stroking in the rhythm of the thrusts and Michael turned his focus on these sensation going through him, forgetting everything else; it could be just sex, he reminded himself.
Valecio flipped them over once more, fucking him faster now, feverishly almost and Michael soon felt himself coming, breathing fast. It had been different, he heard Valecios loud groan, before his body collapsed on top of him; sweaty and exhausted.
He stared at the ceiling blinking, feeling the others weight on top of him; black wavy hair, brown skin… what had he just done? Remorse took over him, guilt over the fact that during those final moments, Tony had been miles away from his mind…
Valicio started planting lazy kisses on his skin,
“Mmh… you feel so good Michael…” he groaned, “I almost don’t want to leave your warmth…” he smiled, kissing his cheek, “but I guess I have to,” he said before slowly slipping out of him, leaving empty feeling inside.
They laid side by side, Valecios arms around him, Michael still staring at the ceiling.
“I think I should go home…” Michael whispered after some time.
“Are you sure? You could spend the night.”
Michael turned to look at the man, smiling sadly at him,
“I’m sorry…I-“
“Shh… I understand…” Valecio smiled at him, “you don’t have to explain.”
He got up and offered his hand to him,
“Come, lets take a shower together, I’ll drive you home then.”
Michael smiled and took the offered hand,
“Thank you,” he got up, looking in Valecios eyes, almost hoping he could feel more for the man and…
“I understand Michael; your heart is still taken, not ready to welcome another. Do you regret what we did?” He asked once they had reached the bathroom. He was turning on the water, testing the temperature with his hand.
“I did enjoy it…obviously…” Michael told him, biting his lip,
“But?” Valecio smiled, “there’s always a but…”
“Well… I feel guilty, to be honest… I don’t know if I… rushed into this too fast, perhaps I should have talked with my boyfriend first; I mean I know I should have.”
The man nodded, offered his hand for him again and Michael stepped under the shower with him.
“It sounds to me though, that he did the mistake first, so I wouldn’t feel too bad if I were you.”
“I like you Michael,” Valecio smiled at him, touching his cheek, their eyes met.
“I like you too…” Michael answered his smile.
“It doesn’t have to be anything else; we can just be friends who happened to sleep with each other.”
“You’ve had many such friends?” Michael grinned.
“A few,” Valecio grinned, “does that bother you?” He was spreading soap on Michael’s chest.
“Hmm… no, not really.” Michael shook his head softly, “I just… I guess I’ve just always wanted someone, someone to be with exclusively… I guess that didn’t work out too well, did it?” he gave a somewhat sorrowful smile to the man.
“Maybe not this time… But… you’re still young.” Valecio smiled, “Do you really want to bind yourself with one man at just 17?” He was washing him.
“I don’t know…. I wanted it to be possible…” Michael shrugged his shoulders. “It just wasn’t enough.”
After the shower they got dressed, walked to the car, Michael silent and lost in his thoughts. Why couldn’t life and love be as wonderful as it was in ones fantasies? Or in books and movies?
“Don’t worry, it will all turn out alright eventually,” Valecio comforted him, when stopping in front of house.
“Thanks… and yes, it will, eventually…” Michael nodded, “thank you…”
“I’ll see you on Monday, Michael,”
“Yes… I’ll see you then…” Michael smiled, it felt somewhat awkward now. He got up from the car, waved goodbye to the man and walked to the house.
“Where have you been?” His mother asked with an upset voice when he stepped into the hall.
“I told you?” Michael played innocent taking his jacket off.
“Well, you weren’t with Tony, because he’s waiting for you in your room!” Evelyn told him, folding her arms over her chest, “I though we’ve agreed that you won’t lie to us anymore?”
Michael was surprised, Tony was there? What would he say to him? How could he face him?
“You’ve been gone for 5 hours! At least you could give me an answer of your whereabouts.”
Just then Michael saw Tony coming down the stairs, looking at him with a hurt look in his eyes, Michael felt his chest tighten, only then it truly hit him what he had done and what both of them had done, somehow he already knew that nothing would ever be the same between them.
TBC.
And thank you; saminada, romanticfae, womo, Lygia, L.S and Mathea, for leaving me reviews!
And Lygia, thanks for reminding me, kicking my ass to write *hugs* this chapter is for you. n_n
I won't take as long with the next chapter, I promise.
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5. What if?
He didn’t want to cry, he had decided that he wouldn’t and yet… he could feel the tears, he could feel them trying to force themselves into the corners of his eyes and he blinked rapidly, trying to will them gone. He shook his head continuing to walk, but the images kept returning…
Tony had kissed her, he had kissed Fiona, he could see her smiling face, the look in her eyes when she had been facing Tony; the girl had fallen for him. When? How? It had not been for his eyes, Tony hadn’t meant for him to see, but he had… He had… At the mall, in front of the book store, second floor, close to the railing where you could see down. His hand had rested briefly on her face, sweeping the escaped lock of hair away…
His chest felt heavy, his shoulders sank; did Tony love her? He hadn’t meant to be there, it was by chance that he had gone to the bookstore… He reached home, stepping into the warm hall, starting to take off his jacket. The pain in his chest refused to leave and he wanted nothing more than to forget what he had seen, but he couldn’t.
Tony had told him that his grandmother was visiting… that’s why they couldn’t meet until later, at the evening, after his dance practice. How long had it been going on? When would Tony tell him?
“Oh, you’re home already?” His mother stood at the doorway to the kitchen, looking at him, smiling. “You didn’t find the book?”
“What? Oh the book…” He muttered and then shook his head, “no, not the one that I was looking for… I guess I need to order it.” Michael shrugged his shoulders, hanging his coat on the hanger. He had lurked behind the shelves like some spy, or worse; a stalker. He felt like an idiot when the woman at the bookstore came over to ask if he needed any help, and all he had been able to do was to shake his head.
“Dinner will be ready soon,” his mother told him as he already walked towards the stairs.
“Oh, I think I’ll eat little later, I’m not that hungry.” Michael told her, trying to smile.
“Is everything alright, dear?” She asked,
“Yes, everything is fine,” he tried to assure with somewhat cheerful voice. She nodded, though still seemed doubtful.
Finally, in the safety of his room, he could allow the tears to come through. Why did it hurt so much? He struggled to breathe, walked over to his bed and sat, knees drawn to his chest, resting his chin on them. There had been signs of it for so long, Tony hadn’t stopped flirting; if anything, he had been doing it more now than when they had still been just friends. Michael knew why, he tried so desperately hide the fact that he himself was gay as well, to this, Michael smiled bitterly; no, not gay, Tony was bisexual, though Tony found it hard even admitting to that. In Tony’s words he wasn’t gay; he just liked him that way. But what did that make him then?
Michael didn’t want to think of it much, he had been happy, he loved Tony and had convinced himself that it would be enough, but it wasn’t, was it? For the first time in a long time did he finally allow himself to study his own heart deeper, to list the things that he wanted for himself and his future.
One: for Tony to be his in public, not just when they were alone; two: to feel loved; three: to finish high school, maybe move to London; four: study as a cook; five: somehow bind all of this together; have a boyfriend, be independent and happy. But would that ever be possible with Tony? How long could he be able to wait for him? And would all that waiting eventually be for nothing?
To have a boyfriend… Michael wondered… drifting his gaze outside where it rained. Tony was jealous, jealous if he looked at another, if another looked at him… And at the same time, didn’t he see Tony looking at girls? Flirting with them? And he was suppose to accept it, be quiet about it, and to not suffocate Tony with his want to be together in front of everyone. It wasn’t fair for him, was it? Michael didn’t want to pressure Tony, but didn’t Tony have any more respect for him? Had he forgotten to be a friend when he had become a lover? Was there a future for them? Michael had been too scared to think about it before, perhaps he already knew the answer and perhaps…
He stood up, walked over to the window and gazed outside. He loved Tony with all his heart, even when he hurt him, he still loved him and he remembered all their games as children, Tony had followed him everywhere, been interested in what he thought before making the decision for himself, Tony had worshiped him, looked up to him…and yet they had been equals… Michael touched the cold glass… going back to when it had changed, when it had become complicated…And it traced back to the night when he had confessed he was gay… Something had been lost, when other things had been gained… Michael felt another tear fall down on his skin; he closed his eyes and reopened them… Somehow, he realised, they stopped being friends when they became lovers… And now, hurt by his lover’s actions, he could not go to his friend to make it better… He lost his best friend and this realisation made the pain grow worse than anything his lover could have done; he allowed his forehead to come against the cold glass, his heart was breaking and the pain was tearing him apart.
He wanted to forget, maybe if he would forget what he had seen; it could somehow… turn alright again, deep down, he already knew it to be impossible.
**^^**^^**^^**^^**
That evening he had a dance practice and Michael felt glad to have his thoughts away from Tony, at least he hoped to get them away, but it soon became clear that it was affecting more or less to his dancing. He felt frustrated with himself and with everything. Even Valecio took notice of his absent mind and his clumsiness. The man was displeased, Michael was sure of it and Rachel, she tried to laugh it off, telling him that she didn’t mind, that it just couldn’t work every time, she was nice and understanding but it didn’t help to way he felt; like a failure.
And after the class was over, he asked for a permission to stay behind and continue practising himself, Valecio consented, giving him a little less than an hour, after which he had to lock the place up. He was left alone.
He turned the music back on, stood in front of the mirror and closed his eyes, trying to get into the mood, trying to drift off to a state of mind where only the music would be important, when everything real would grow to be indifferent, unimportant for that time.
Having said goodbye to the rest of his students, Valecio walked quietly back into the dance hall. He stood at the door, watching Michael quietly. Earlier the boy had stumbled, fallen out of the rhythm, seemed absent and forgetful while dancing with his partner, but now…
His movements were back into being graceful and smooth, his feet carried him effortlessly on the floor, making him one with the music and it would have made every viewer fascinated. The boy was beautiful; his features delicate and strong at the same time and even Valecio couldn’t remember ever seeing such a beautiful creature before. All in all, the boy seemed to be a fascinating combination of sexuality and innocence… Perhaps one of the best students he had ever had the pleasure of teaching and he knew… The boy was gay, he had heard the whispers and perhaps this knowledge had only increased his desire, knowing that perhaps it wouldn’t be totally unwelcome by the young one.
During the time he had known the boy, he had come to see that Michael wasn’t just a pretty face, or a sexy body, he was intelligent and witty, which made every inch of that outer beauty even more inviting.
Valecio finally decided to make his presence known by clapping his hands together, which made the youth almost jump in fright before he turned and gave his teacher a shy and questioning smile.
“That was very well done…” He complimented.
“Thank you… I didn’t do so well earlier though…” Michael answered, still looking at him.
“Perhaps you’re better on your own, or… with a different partner.” Valecio grinned, walking closer; Michael cocked his eyebrow at him.
“Turn around,” Valecio smiled and Michael did, facing the mirror once more. The man came behind him, placing his hands on his waist.
“Sometimes, it’s the partner who just doesn’t match, they might not be right with you and make you stumble…” he whispered, looking in his eyes through the mirror and the way he looked at him, the way he spoke and the way he touched him, made Michael’s heart beat faster and his skin felt flustered. “…sometimes even fall…”
“Rachel is a good dancer, I don’t believe that…” Michael started,
“I didn’t say she wasn’t, she is good, great in fact… but as I said none of this matters if the partner doesn’t match…” his breath tickled Michael’s neck and he looked at their reflections from the mirror, the man’s hands encouraged his hips to start moving with the music; slowly, slowly…until they both repeated the same move, “Dancing…it’s almost like making love…as corny as it sounds…” Valecio grinned and Michael swallowed; the heat of Valecio’s body behind his heightened his senses. “…there must be passion to make it work for both… and there must be mutual trust…” The man’s hands moved on his sides, almost caressing and the movements grew as the music did as did the heath… “…feel it?” Valecio asked, sliding his hands down on his arms, until he took a hold of his hands and brought them against his chest, his lips almost brushing against his neck.
“Yes,” Michael breathed out; Valecio freed his one hand, keeping the hold of the other as he spun him around so they’d be face to face,
“When it’s right, you’ll know the others’ moves even before they’re made, you learn how to read the language of the body,” The man smiled at him, pulling him close and then spinning him around again, “you are talented, Michael…” he whispered to his ear, “you could become a star if you wanted to…” They were facing the mirror again, “…but you’d have to change a partner, or dance on your own…” Michael looked in the man’s eyes, through the mirror; it almost felt as if he was talking about Tony and not Rachel, though it made no sense… Valecio didn’t know about him and Tony, did he?
Michael turned this time, on his own, facing his teacher.
“And what if…” he started, “it feels difficult to let go?”
“Not every choice is easy, but you don’t know unless you try…you’re still very young Michael…” During some point, they had both stilled from dancing and were now just quietly looking at each other.
“If you want…” Valecio whispered,
“Yes?”
“If you want, I could give you private dancing lessons, at my home?” Michael looked down, unable to hide a smile.
“Private lessons?” He asked, aware that the man’s hands still rested on his sides and… “Mr Moreira,” Michael smiled, “excuse me for being blunt with you, but are you flirting with me?”
The man smiled, amused and pleased with the boy’s courage.
“Would you think that I’m being very bad if I said yes?” He asked, looking straight into his eyes.
Michael was quiet for awhile, grinned.
“No, I wouldn’t say that you’re very bad.”
“Then what would you think about those private lessons?”
Again Michael was quiet, just looking at the man, he couldn’t deny that he wasn’t interested; he couldn’t say that he wouldn’t have thought of it, but he hadn’t expected him to act upon it. Now, however, Tony’s betrayal fresh in his mind, his curiosity woken…
“I might be interested,” he told him, flashing him a brief smile, pushing away the guilt he automatically felt.
“How about we start this Saturday evening?” Valecio smirked at him.
“I will have to check my calendar, but… I think I am free then.” Michael answered, nodding his head.
“I will give you my number and let me know by Friday, ok?”
“It’s a deal.” Michael wondered whether or not he was doing the right thing, in his mind he made a deal with himself, that it would all depend on how Tony would behave next day at school, if he would be honest or if he’d choose to lie.
**^^**^^**^^**^^**
Tuesday, Tony was his happy self. He didn’t say a word about Fiona, he didn’t say a word that he had been at the mall, instead Tony complained about his grandmother making it sound like he had spent the whole evening at home. Inside Michael felt angry and hurt, outside he pretended clueless. He wanted to hear it from Tony, he wanted his friend to be true to him, he hoped that by the end of the week he’d tell him, that the guilt would become too much for him to bear.
Of course Michael could have told him, confronted him, but it was easier said than done. He didn’t want to start fighting, he didn’t want to feel more hurt than he already did, everything or at least part would be saved if Tony would just come clean to him, if he’d tell that he had seen Fiona, but that nothing more than a kiss had been shared, that it was over and he had been foolish… But Friday came and such a thing hadn’t happened. Tony even cancelled their date, using his grandmother as an excuse, suggested Saturday instead. Michael’s mind had been made, if Tony cheated on him, he’d cheat him back, something to take the pain away. Michael didn’t answer Tony when he left the school, he didn’t answer his phone calls until Saturday, just before leaving to meet Valecio and he told Tony; he told him that he knew, told him that he was sorry that Tony hadn’t told him himself, he ended the call, giving no time for the other boy to defend himself, what was the use? It was clearly over, but Michael refused to let his world end because of it.
Valicio picked him up from the mall, for all Michael’s parents knew, was that he was out with Tony, he knew that most likely they wouldn’t have approved him meeting with his 25 year old dance teacher on a Saturday evening, especially had they known that he was going at his place.
Michael felt slightly nervous the closer to the apartment they got. Deep down he questioned if this was at all the right choice, whether or not he should have talked with Tony, but what was the use? His friend would surely just give him the same old excuses that he was tired of hearing. He thought back, hadn’t it been him who always had to call Tony now? Wasn’t it always Tony to whom it seemed difficult to find time, they always met in his conditions, he always promised, but lately more and more he had failed to keep his promises.
“My apartment isn’t that big, unfortunately teaching doesn’t pay as much as I would like,” Valecio grinned, letting him in. Michael nodded, giving him a smile.
“I don’t mind,” he told him, taking his jacket off, carefully looking around, he walked further in.
“There is room for dancing though,” Valecio assured, walking to the living room to turn some music on. Michael followed; there were various photographs of people and landscapes on the walls. “My friend is a photographer,” the man told him, “and I’m in love with his work.” He walked closer to where Michael stood, “these are from Brazil, here’s my sister and her husband… here are their two kids… My friend was with me one time and I asked him to take these.”
“Do you miss home?” Michael asked, smiling as he looked at the two small kids in the picture; girl and a boy, the girl smiling brightly, missing two of her front teeth’s.
“Yes, I miss the warmth, I’m freezing here and it’s so grey all the time, or so it seems to me.” Valecio grinned; Michael glanced at him and smiled.
“Perhaps you’ll get used to it?”
“Perhaps…” Valecio nodded, looking closely at him. “Michael, have you ever thought about modelling?”
The question surprised him at first, but then he nodded.
“I have, well after few people have asked me about it”
“The reason I asked is because I was talking to my friend the other day, I happened to mention you and well, if you’d be interested, perhaps you could model for him one day? It could be a great opportunity for you both. He lives in London though.”
“I could think about it… Most likely after I finish school this year, I’ll move to London anyway.”
“Really?”
“Yes, my dream is to become a chef one day,”
“Bossing other people around in the kitchen?” Valecio grinned.
“Well, I don’t know about that, I just like to cook.” Michael grinned back.
“A cooking model, how about that?”
Michael laughed,
“Perhaps,” he glanced at Valecio again, “if it gets me where I want to be.”
“And where would that be?”
“Happy, making my own way… you know? I wish to travel and see places, I’d hate to get stuck in one place for the rest of my life and on the other hand, after I’ve seen places, I do want to settle down. Money would be of advantage, it doesn’t make one happy but it certainly makes it easier.”
“That it does, I am forced to count most of my pennies, it’s not fun, you get by, somehow the money seems turn up from some where, just as you’re getting desperate, but... it would be easier to know that it is there when you need it. “
Michael took another look around and saw a shelf filled with cd’s, he walked closer.
“You have lots of these,”
“Yes, that’s what happens when one has a passion for music,” Valecio smiled, “would you like some wine?”
“Yes please,” Michael smiled at him, taking one cd for a closer look.
“Red or white?”
“Hm, either is fine,” Michael replied, hoping that the wine would take away his nervousness. He was still unsure of what he was doing and when Valecio returned with two glasses of red wine, all he could think of was Tony and their first night together.
“Would you like to listen to that cd?” The man asked touching his shoulder.
“hm… yeah, I mean, if you don’t mind?”
“Of course not,” Valecio smiled, took the cd from his hand and changed it, Spanish music started to play, more soft and sensual that the music before had been, it almost made Michael blush.
“Should we start?” Valecio placed both of their wine glasses away, took Michael’s hand and guided him to the centre of the room, with more open pace.
He placed his hand on Michael’s lower back, bringing him closer, they stood in the same height, and Michael found it difficult to look in his eyes just then. What was he doing there? His mind kept asking him, nagging him; he should have talked with Tony. But Tony had hurt him, it was the reason why, and he didn’t want to think of him! Not now.
Slowly they began to move, Michael felt Valecio’s hands caressing him, guiding him, he close his eyes, but still his mind was nagging him. This was too fast, it was wrong…
“You’re too tense Michael, relax…” Michael opened his eyes to look at the man who smiled at him, caressed his cheek, “just relax,” he repeated.
“I try… but my mind…” he shook his head softly. Valecio guided him to sit on the sofa and gave him the glass of wine.
“Tell me?” He asked, taking a careful sip.
“It’s my boyfriend… I- I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I have a boyfriend.” Michael glanced at him nervously and to his surprise he saw the man giving him a slight smile.
“I guessed that you might have someone, that your absence could be due to heartache,” he nodded. “You can talk to me,” he assured, taking his hand in his.
“Well… He’s my best friend; I’ve been in love with him for a few years now and…” Michael took a pause and another sip of his wine, “when I first told him that I was gay, he wanted nothing to do with me, but in the end… he came to me, told me that he loves me as well…but the thing is…” Michael sighed. “I’m out of the closet and some people give me hard time about being gay, and Tony, well he’s there acting nothing more than my friend, but when we’re alone, only when we’re alone are we together and I- I want more than that. It’s been four months now, almost five, I know it’s short but at the same time I don’t see it changing and… I’ve seen him flirting with girls, earlier this week I saw him kissing one, after he had told me an excuse of why we couldn’t meet. This happened on Monday.”
“I understand now, I’m not surprised of why you were so…”
“Horrible?” Michael suggested with a small laughter.
“I was going to say distracted,” Valecio grinned.
“Do you think I’m being selfish? Or unreasonable?” Michael asked looking at him. The man shook his head.
“No, it’s not selfish to want to show your relationship in public. I do understand your friends point, coming out isn’t easy, but I understand your point as well and perhaps it is good for you to consider whether or not you both get what you want out of this relationship.”
“I’m scared of loosing him, he’s always been there as my friend… lately I’ve been wondering if I’ll destroy what’s left of our relationship by continuing to be his boyfriend… I’m afraid that in the end we both find ourselves bitter and blaming the other for things gone wrong, that he would blame me for pressuring him and I would blame him for not giving me enough. What if we end up hating each other?” Michael glanced at Valecio again, almost hoping that he could give him the right answers.
“Sounds to me that you already know what the best thing to do is.” The man smiled, caressing his arm softly, suggestively.
Michael glanced at him, before he emptied his glass,
“Can I have some more?” He asked, he just wanted to forget.
“Sure,” Valecio got the bottle and refilled his glass, watched as the boy began to move in the room, looking at the pictures, sipping the wine.
“You seem nervous.” Valecio took note, tilting his head, “do I make you nervous?” He was still seated on the couch. Michael glanced at him, smiling a little.
“No, and yes…” he admitted, taking another big sip of the wine.
Valecio stood up slowly,
“Why is that?” He asked, smiling as he slowly circled the boy. It made Michael chuckle, he looked away shyly.
“Because…” He whispered, looking at the pictures again, he felt the man coming closer until he stood behind him.
“Why?” He whispered to his ear, running his hand gently on his arm.
“I shouldn’t be here…”
“But you are…” Valecio turned Michael to face him. “Do you want to be?” He asked, lifting his chin up.
“I’ve had dirty thoughts about you…and…” Michael blurted out, hiding his embarrassed with a smirk.
“Really?” Valecio smirked back. “Tell me more?”
Michael pulled away, smiling.
“I can’t…”
“Why?”
“I just can’t…I shouldn’t have come here.” He emptied the second glass of wine, placed it down and looked at him. There was a long moment of silence.
“Do you want me?” Michael asked quietly. Valecio was taken with surprise; he raised his eyebrow and smiled.
“Yes, I do want you,” he nodded, “very much in fact…” He came closer again, touched Michaels face before brushing his lips against his, touching them with his thump. “Do you want me? You can still push me away, Michael.” His tongue licked him carefully; his hand travelling from his neck, lower to his back, gently brushing his butt, Michael couldn’t help but to moan quietly.
“I-I might be just using you…” Michael whispered.
“I know…” Valecio whispered back and claimed his lips to a hungry kiss.
Michael felt Valecio’s hands squeezing his butt cheeks and he moaned, answered to the kiss, wanting so badly for the pain in his chest to go away.
It may have been stupid, but once it had started, Michael couldn’t stop. He wanted to feel, he wanted to taste, he was curious, Valecio’s hands felt different from Tony’s, he kissed differently, or maybe it just felt different when he wasn’t in love with the man? It would be just sex, Michael thought, and it was all that it needed to be.
The man’s hands came to unbutton his shirt, his arousal was clear, his breathing heavy and hot on his skin, his eyes dark and lustful…
Valecio managed to remove his shirt fast, his hands caressing his naked chest and stomach,
“Do you want this?” He asked, huskily, looking deep into Michael’s eyes. For a moment Michael was silent. Perhaps it was the wine, perhaps the look of hunger in the man’s eyes, perhaps most of all it was the pain in his heart that made him kiss him again; thus giving him his answer.
Valecio caressed his naked skin, worshipped his body with his hands, played with his nipples.
“Beautiful… you’re so beautiful” Valecio whispered mesmerized with the younger male. He could feel the throbbing in his trousers, achingly hard already, “I want you…please…”
Michael smiled at his plea and leaned forward to catch his lips in to another heated kiss. He moved his hips against him, feeling his arousal clearly, feeling his own waking. He didn’t want to think about what he was doing, he just wanted to forget, get lost with the moment and forget.
It was all that Valecio could take; he collected him in his arms, carried him into the bedroom where he laid him down on the bed. Standing before it, starting to undress himself, casting the clothes away quickly, he leaned on top of the boy, undressed the rest of his clothes before getting on the bed with him.
He had chest hair, Michael noticed, dark chest hair and… Michael felt unsure, was this what he really wanted? Valecio climbed on top of him, smiling at him, kissing him hungrily.
It felt so much different than it did with Tony,
“Relax…” The man whispered, trailing his lips on his skin, further down, down until he reached his erection and took it in his mouth, began sucking on him. Michael grasped the sheets; close his eyes tightly, pleasure was spreading through his body and yet in his mind all he could think of was Tony.
He opened his eyes when the warmth left his organ, he could see Valecio taking something from the bedside table; lube and a condom. He spread some on his hand and smiled at him,
“This might feel cold,” he told him, before bringing his hand down between his thighs.
Valicio leaned over to kiss him, while preparing him with his fingers, and soon enough, the fingers were gone and the head of his cock pushing in. Michael close his eyes again, pain shooting up on his spine, what was he doing? Valecio kissed him again, rocking against him, his groans of pleasure filling the room. He flipped them over,
“Ride me,” he whispered, his hands on his hips, looking lustfully at him. Michael rested his hands on his chest… he close his eyes, started rocking his hips, while Valecios hands guided him. He felt the mans hands sneaking up to his own organ, starting to stroke him, stroking in the rhythm of the thrusts and Michael turned his focus on these sensation going through him, forgetting everything else; it could be just sex, he reminded himself.
Valecio flipped them over once more, fucking him faster now, feverishly almost and Michael soon felt himself coming, breathing fast. It had been different, he heard Valecios loud groan, before his body collapsed on top of him; sweaty and exhausted.
He stared at the ceiling blinking, feeling the others weight on top of him; black wavy hair, brown skin… what had he just done? Remorse took over him, guilt over the fact that during those final moments, Tony had been miles away from his mind…
Valicio started planting lazy kisses on his skin,
“Mmh… you feel so good Michael…” he groaned, “I almost don’t want to leave your warmth…” he smiled, kissing his cheek, “but I guess I have to,” he said before slowly slipping out of him, leaving empty feeling inside.
They laid side by side, Valecios arms around him, Michael still staring at the ceiling.
“I think I should go home…” Michael whispered after some time.
“Are you sure? You could spend the night.”
Michael turned to look at the man, smiling sadly at him,
“I’m sorry…I-“
“Shh… I understand…” Valecio smiled at him, “you don’t have to explain.”
He got up and offered his hand to him,
“Come, lets take a shower together, I’ll drive you home then.”
Michael smiled and took the offered hand,
“Thank you,” he got up, looking in Valecios eyes, almost hoping he could feel more for the man and…
“I understand Michael; your heart is still taken, not ready to welcome another. Do you regret what we did?” He asked once they had reached the bathroom. He was turning on the water, testing the temperature with his hand.
“I did enjoy it…obviously…” Michael told him, biting his lip,
“But?” Valecio smiled, “there’s always a but…”
“Well… I feel guilty, to be honest… I don’t know if I… rushed into this too fast, perhaps I should have talked with my boyfriend first; I mean I know I should have.”
The man nodded, offered his hand for him again and Michael stepped under the shower with him.
“It sounds to me though, that he did the mistake first, so I wouldn’t feel too bad if I were you.”
“I like you Michael,” Valecio smiled at him, touching his cheek, their eyes met.
“I like you too…” Michael answered his smile.
“It doesn’t have to be anything else; we can just be friends who happened to sleep with each other.”
“You’ve had many such friends?” Michael grinned.
“A few,” Valecio grinned, “does that bother you?” He was spreading soap on Michael’s chest.
“Hmm… no, not really.” Michael shook his head softly, “I just… I guess I’ve just always wanted someone, someone to be with exclusively… I guess that didn’t work out too well, did it?” he gave a somewhat sorrowful smile to the man.
“Maybe not this time… But… you’re still young.” Valecio smiled, “Do you really want to bind yourself with one man at just 17?” He was washing him.
“I don’t know…. I wanted it to be possible…” Michael shrugged his shoulders. “It just wasn’t enough.”
After the shower they got dressed, walked to the car, Michael silent and lost in his thoughts. Why couldn’t life and love be as wonderful as it was in ones fantasies? Or in books and movies?
“Don’t worry, it will all turn out alright eventually,” Valecio comforted him, when stopping in front of house.
“Thanks… and yes, it will, eventually…” Michael nodded, “thank you…”
“I’ll see you on Monday, Michael,”
“Yes… I’ll see you then…” Michael smiled, it felt somewhat awkward now. He got up from the car, waved goodbye to the man and walked to the house.
“Where have you been?” His mother asked with an upset voice when he stepped into the hall.
“I told you?” Michael played innocent taking his jacket off.
“Well, you weren’t with Tony, because he’s waiting for you in your room!” Evelyn told him, folding her arms over her chest, “I though we’ve agreed that you won’t lie to us anymore?”
Michael was surprised, Tony was there? What would he say to him? How could he face him?
“You’ve been gone for 5 hours! At least you could give me an answer of your whereabouts.”
Just then Michael saw Tony coming down the stairs, looking at him with a hurt look in his eyes, Michael felt his chest tighten, only then it truly hit him what he had done and what both of them had done, somehow he already knew that nothing would ever be the same between them.
TBC.