To Become

12:45am - Play



Ryan finally gave up on making me eat yesterday. Well I happened to sleep until about 4pm. Why he let me sleep? I don’t know. So I open my eyes and Greg is hovering above me. I was in the “nightmare” room again, but he gave me a mattress in the corner to sleep on. Heavy blanket too. It was cold. Anyway, Greg is just standing over me and I jumped not expecting that. He smiled. “Finally awake?” What time is it? “A little past four in the afternoon.” What? Where’s Ryan? “You really don’t want me to get him now do you?” Um, no I think. “Here.” At this point he holds out this glass. He says that it has a full serving of fruit and vegetables in it. Some sort of V8 juice maybe. V8 Fusion! That’s what it was! I took it and was like, what do you want me to do with it? “Drink it.” Why? “I’m guessing that you’re going to refuse again to eat right? So drink it.” What if I refuse to drink this too? Then he brings out this long medical tube. “Then it goes down by means of this.”



I don’t feel like having tubes down my throat again, so I drank. Slowly. I finished half the glass then set it down and he said that he wouldn’t leave until I finished it. I just shrugged. Like I care. “Maybe you should care.” Why? “I could holler for Brad.” Brad doesn’t scare me. “Really? I don’t believe that.” Then don’t believe it.



I stood up off the mattress then next thing, I’m pushed into the wall. This time, Ryan is looking down at me just smirking! I didn’t even realize he was in the room. The way Greg was talking, it didn’t seem like he was. Guess he just wanted to play it out. Bastard.



Then he’s pressing against my jaw to where I had to open my mouth and he just sticks this pill on my tongue. I didn’t want to swallow but he tilted my head back and cut off my air. Didn’t really have a choice. “At least we can get some nutrition in you this way.” Jerk off. “Already did.” And you didn’t ask me to help? How inconsiderate. “Cute. Now lay back down.”



We had our little sarcasm with each other. Good. That was done. So I’m just lying down on the mattress when Greg takes the glass and raises me up and puts it back to my mouth. Liquid sliding down the side. I refused to open. So he pulls the glass back, looks at Ryan. Ryan does his stupid nod and sigh, and then I get slapped! I decided to go ahead and drink it. Now Greg is being a jerk too. I thought that I LIKED him. Guess I thought wrong. I hate him. I hate him and Ryan and Brad and Jason. I hate all of them.



He pulled the glass away then just told me that if I would be obedient that he wouldn’t have to use cruelty. I told him that he was cruel no matter which way he wanted to look at it. He smiled then left the room. Just Ryan and me left.



Ryan then sat on me, back on his heels so it didn’t hurt or anything. Then he leaned forward to where our foreheads were almost touching. “Don’t make this hurt.”



I stayed quiet. I wasn’t sure what he was about to do, but the look in his eyes scared me some. He took his knife out. It was like his favorite knife. He must have gotten it from the case on the other wall when I still didn’t know he was in the room. He had it up to my throat so I’m thinking, okay I’m dead. He finally decided against not killing me and now he’s going to, but he moved the knife away. Then he leant back again onto his heels and pressed it lightly on my face. He drew it down sharply. It hurt so bad that I screamed. It was the same cheek that Greg had slapped earlier so on top of it already stinging, now there was a searing pain going through it. “If you don’t want to feel that type of pain again, then stay still. Like I said, don’t make this hurt.”



He pushed himself up a little and rolled me over. So I’m laying flat on my stomach and trying to look back to see what he’s doing which is pulling my top off. Well, really, he just lifted it up some. Then he starts drawing the knife across my back. Gently so it didn’t really hurt too much. A slight pain but he was still cutting into my skin. I don’t know what he did exactly.



Now it’s past midnight. I’m in Ryan’s bed. Ryan is searching through his closet for something. Maybe something to wear? Now he’s mumbling. I wish he would shut up. RYAN! SHUT UP!



And I just said that out loud. Shit!



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3:31am - Sleep!



I can’t sleep, yet he’s sleeping just fine. I’m not exactly tired, but I should sleep because of tomorrow. Who knows what he’ll make me do or do to me or make others do to me. Oh just please sleep!



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11:21am - Engaged



I’m sitting in a chair downstairs in major pain and Ryan doesn’t care. Why? Because he caused it. I don’t feel like writing about it right now. Maybe tonight. Right now I just wish Ryan would allow Greg to use some cream. It hurts so bad…



Ryan isn’t even bothering with me. He’s not selling me out which is worrying me. I’ll have to make up so much! I’m scared.



I asked him about Melanie. He said that it didn’t concern me. I did get a little bit of information. He didn’t refer to her in the past tense, so she’s probably still alive, but she and Ryan are engaged! What the hell? I bet it’s just to tie her in. She profits, she’ll go down too if they’re caught. It will keep her quiet. She might not see it, but I know that’s what he’s doing. He’s smart.



I can’t believe tomorrow is the first day of October. Everything has gone by too fast.



I’m so cold.



I keep looking over to the cell to where Sara and I used to be kept together. She’s gone so I should just accept it. She’s not coming back. Jason said they burned her body already. Cremated… Not sure what they did with her ashes. Probably just dumped them.



I feel nauseous from not eating. I drank some water earlier and Ryan gave me that one vitamin again. Greg made me drink the V8. I hate this but I just can’t eat. If I could starve to death, I would.



I have goose bumps everywhere. I’m shivering. Help… Why won’t Ryan come check on me? I’m not allowed to get up. He said he’d beat me if I did. I’m already in enough pain.



I want to go home…



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9:00pm - Porn



I ate French fries today. Ryan went to McDonalds and got a large, and then when he got back home, he shoved them down my throat. I choked quite a few times before I grabbed the box from him and ate them. He started smirking at me. I wanted to smack him, but I held back.



I found out why he didn’t have me working. He wanted me to model for him. He didn’t take the pictures, he just overlooked. The guy who did, his name is Oliver. He was really nice and I didn’t have to have my clothes off or anything. Some he just had me raise my shirt or drop my shorts just a little. Ryan said I couldn’t wear a bra. I just had to do some suggestive poses, but it’s okay. Better than straight nude modeling.



Oliver handed Ryan a huge wad of cash. He said that he had rented me out basically. After what happened earlier this morning, he doesn’t want me with anyone but him. He’s scared they’ll hurt me really bad and make things worse.



Guess I’m just doing child porn…



Jerk.



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A/N:

Last entry there, I took from my own experience from the day. I had a large French fry from McDonalds which my Uncle got me...I'm like Kylie at the moment. I know it's bad...but I don't eat right like I should. I starve myself half the time like she's been doing. And when I wrote that part about her feeling sick, I didn't eat that day and mog I was SO sick! and I really did have the meal mentioned I think in the first entry. But anyway, the modeling thing, everything that Ryan had her do, I did at my photo shoot. I think in the next chapter you'll find out other stuff that I did there. I just put it more in the context of the story to where Kylie isn't wanting to do it. I had some issues with a few of the things that I did that I was uncomfortable with but all is okay. Strangely I model lingerie with girls better than anything. And the photographer is thinking about getting some really CUTE guy to model with me in lingerie too. I'm excited... crap! that's part of the next chapter. go away! haha



just a warning on stuff coming up. most of the stuff with kylie will be not only from what i'm seeing in her experiences but things I've gone through or a person that is very, very close to me has gone through. i'm not sure how graphic things will get. a lot is going to be left to the imagination and i will try to explain different things at the end of the chapters in the author's note. what i'm wanting to start show is different things that do happen. this person that is extremely close to me, at 14, was brought into one of the largest child prostitution rings in the United States. He had no idea until the man he had thought of as a father began touching him and forcing him into more and more things until eventually he was selling him off at this same age at strip clubs for men to go back into the rooms and do what they wanted with him. this person said that they would be willing to help with this story to help me understand more of what does happen. he was forced with this from the age of 14 until 21 when he finally was able to get out of it. the whole time he had been threatened not only with his life but the guy's life that was doing the threatening and since this person thought of him as a father, he didn't want him to commit suicide because of him leaving, so he stayed.



so i'm letting you know, things will get A LOT more serious from here on. Some chapters will be first person, others third person so I can explain in detail what is happening because most of this Kylie will probably not write in her journal. I know I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to be reminded of it.



anyway, this is long. hope you liked and R&R of course! thanks for the reviews already. y'all are amazing!