To Become

5:30pm - No

I'm sitting outside right now. It's nice weather. So nice that I didn't want to go out. Ryan dragged me. I spit on him. He threw me down then left.

This is our argument this morning. Once again, I'm not eating. And guess what, he can't do anything about it. He can't take me to the hospital now after what Melanie said. She hasn't come back. Ryan left the other night when he found out. He probably killed her too or did something to shut her up. I don't know if he would really kill her or not. Brad did with Sara... But anyway, this is what happened journal. And for my future reference on getting out of things with Greg's help. Make sure Greg is around when deciding to defy Ryan. Then make sure he leaves with him so he doesn't lecture you on why you need to eat.

Ryan: Are you going to eat?
Me: I'm not hungry.
Ryan: I don't care if you're hungry or not. Eat.
Me: No.
Ryan: I'm not going to let you start starving yourself again.
Me: Whatever.
Ryan: Eat your breakfast.

Then after that I just kind of threw the plate on the ground and said, oops. Guess I can't eat it now because I'll get sick. I'll clean it up. Then Ryan got mad and got ready to hit me but Greg grabbed his arm and stopped him and told him to leave. Ryan storms off and Greg tells me to clean it up, so I do because I like Greg. I don't need him mad at me. Then he sits me down in a chair and gets down to my level and says, "You have to eat. If you don't eat, bad stuff can happen. Do you remember what happened last time or is that still vague?" I remember. Ryan slammed my head into the floor and I woke up in a hospital with lots of bandages around it and not even remembering who you were until that jerk showed up.

We went through a long conversation.

This isn't fair! I'm trying to write something to get my mind off of everything and yet Sara still isn't here. Greg said that Brad suffocated her. I'm not sure if that's true or not. I'm not sure if anything they say is true or not. I can't be anymore.

I think I'm going to just lay out in the grass and nap. There shouldn't be anything wrong with that. Ryan is still gone and I hope he doesn't come back. Ever.

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11:57pm - Alone

Guess I lucked out. Ryan came back. He hasn't said anything to me though. That's good. I don't want to talk to him or anyone else. I just want Sara. Why did he kill her and not me? I know he was about to have Brad do it.

They came in that night. Both of them. Brad had his gun out. I was just waiting for him to shoot me. He was looking at Ryan to make sure that that was what he wanted. Ryan walked up to me, and he asked me a question. It was, "If you were going to die and you got to choose how, what would you pick to die by?" What do you mean? "There are lots of ways to die. Brad has a gun. You could drown in the lake, be strangled with that rope in the corner, I could snap your neck or slit your throat. I could have Brad grab a pillow and he could smother you with that. Which one would you prefer?" You're actually asking me to choose how you're going to kill me? How much more of a bastard could you be? "You're right." Then he just left. Brad left with him. He changed his mind.

Greg made me eat dinner. He said he would put it down my throat with his own fingers if I didn't eat it. I don't feel like having food placed straight down my throat. Couldn't a person choke? So I ate. Cereal, half of a grilled cheese sandwich and 2 poptart pastries. Wish I could throw it up. I feel so sick. I'm not used to eating at night.

Jason is down here right now. Ryan is upstairs. He said that when Jason comes up, that he's supposed to bring me with him. You know what Ryan did last night? He tied me up to the cot. Tight too. I have bruises on my wrists from being stupid and trying to get out of the restraints. I guess he decided that it would be better if I was upstairs with him again. I bet I know where he's going to make me sleep.

I wonder how much longer Jason is going to be down here. I don't want to stay down here. There's just a mattress in the cell now. Guess I forgot to write that Ryan took the cot away today. I don't have any blankets or a pillow. I still have the shelf with you on it, Blueberry and my brush. I don't have any shoes or socks for that matter. Ryan took them away when I got inside today. And I'm not allowed to be in the shower by myself. Well, Ryan sits on the outside, I can still have the curtain drawn. He just doesn't trust me I guess. I wouldn't trust me either.

What else...I got some new pajamas. The capris are cute. They have this cinch at the bottom and they're pink flannel! The top is pink too. Must have gotten them from aeropostale because the top says Aero New York. I do have slippers though. They're the same color as the top and all fuzzy. Sadly, I do have to say that Ryan has a good fashion sense. Either that or he just watches what other teenage girls buy.

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A/N:
ladypandarose - Kylie says that she thinks it cute you call her K. She said that it makes her smile because it's not what Ryan calls her. She prefers K.

Linda - anytime! got questions, I got answers! most of the time anyway. haha

to the rest of my readers - I hope you all don't hate me for what happened with Sara, but Ryan had Brad do it! Not me! So blame them! nods That's all I can say. And before anyone asks, I really don't know what happened with Melanie. I really don't know if she's dead or alive because Kylie doesn't know and until Ryan or one of the others inform her, I continue to be uninformed. I'll be posting again soon! Hopefully tonight! lol

Aw my cat just curled up by my head...sort of. hehe I like long author's notes. y'all don't I'm sure but oh well. and a head's up...most likely no post on Tuesday or Wednesday since on Wednesday I have a full day photo shoot from like 7am until about 10pm. Long time I know but it comes with this line of work.

Love you all...in a simply platonic way. Lata!