To Become

10:40am - Headache

Last night I had this terrible headache. Unfortunately it started after Melanie had gone to bed or I know Ryan wouldn't have acted the way he did. I was laying in bed and Ryan told me to get up because Greg wanted to do some sort of check up on me. I asked if he could do it today. Ryan started yelling at me and told me to get the hell up. Of course then I started crying. I didn't mean to, but my head hurt so much and his yelling certaintly didn't help. So he grabs me by the arm and pulls me out of the bed. The only thing I knew to do was bury my head in his chest. The light was just as bad. Then he pulls me away from him and asks me what's wrong. So I tell him and then he says, "I don't really care."

Sara this whole time is sitting on her bed and then she got up and actually stood up to Ryan! I was thinking, 'oh my god, he's going to beat her.' Fortunately he didn't. He just dragged me out and took me to Greg's office. Greg asked what was up and Ryan told him. Greg was about to give me something for it but Ryan said no. I laid down on the table that Ryan had sat me up on and just closed my eyes. That is until I was slapped. Lightly to where normally it probably wouldn't have hurt, but I guess Ryan wasn't thinking very well or else he really did not care like he said. So I opened my eyes and waited while Greg did whatever he was doing. He pulled the bottom half of my clothes off so it was probably one of those exams that women are supposed to have like every year or something. Mom told me about them but I forget what she called them. Greg never really said. He just does whatever he needs to then says, "You can leave now," or something on that order.

So he gets done then says, "I can give her some tylenol." Personally I think aspirin works so much better but Dr. Houle said that tylenol would be better for my body, so Ryan had Greg pick some up. I don't see what the point was in picking it up because Ryan said no. I started crying again because I just wanted the headache to go away. He sighs. I just want to tell him to stop doing that because it's getting really annoying. I'd rather him just slap me to let me know that he was annoyed with me. Well not at that present time, but other times may be okay. If it was lightly done. I don't like it when he really hits me. Then I know that he's angry or that I'm really in deep trouble for something. Ryan just told Greg that he would take care of it.

Once my clothes were back on, Ryan carried me to one of the rooms that we normally use with the customers. That was a little strange for me. We usually go into the back room whenever he just wants to be alone with us. Then I thought, well he probably would have taken me upstairs but Melanie was up there. So that made sense. He just laid me on the bed and he sat down next to me.

"I can do something that will take the headache away for a while and then you won't have drugs in your system." What? "Undress."

Okay, so now I'm getting freaked out. I didn't want to do anything at that time because of my head hurting, but I didn't want to tell him no either. I guess I looked at him funny because then he said, "Would you rather do this yourself?" I of course thought that he meant taking my clothes off, either I did it or he would. I went ahead and took my jeans off and he said that I could leave my underwear on. That was a relief for me. He wasn't planning on having sex with me. So I just laid there then he started touching me. That was just as bad because I just didn't want anyone touching me anywhere, especially there. I groaned a little at him doing it and he just says to shush that it'll help.

Strangely enough it did. I was too concentrated on what he was doing, and I hate to admit it but it did feel kind of good. He was doing it so gently...but when he started going faster with it I freaked out a little so he just stroked my hair. I don't like it, but I kind of...well you know journal. My headache did go away after it, but he didn't stop. He just kept rubbing until it happened again. He kept doing it and I kept telling him to stop but he didn't listen. He just said to calm down. I know my muscles kept tensing up each time because I totally could feel when they relaxed. I was thankful that my head stopped hurting. He kept going for what seemed like forever but probably only six times. Then he just stopped.

"Does your head feel better?" Yes... "Good." Then he had me pull the covers down and he covered me up after getting into the bed next to me.

I woke up this morning with him still beside me just looking at me. Not expecting it I screamed and jumped away from him and he laughed! He laughed at me because I wasn't expecting him to be right there! I totally forgot about what happened last night until I had woken up more. He told me to put my jeans back on so I did. That's when I remembered about last night. I had looked up at him and I guess he realized that I had remembered at that moment too because he just smiled and rubbed my head. "Still hurt?" No. "Don't mention anything about last night. It never happened. Understand?" Yes, sir. "Good girl." Then we left.

He went upstairs to check on Melanie so she wouldn't be late for work. Before she left she came down to see Sara and me. She gave us hugs. I like her hugs. They're real.

Once she left, we got to eat breakfast. Today we had pop-tarts and one of those small fruit cups. Ryan said the pop-tarts were low fat so I shouldn't have any problems in eating them. I just glared at him. I know now what he was refering to. Like I said, I did read you journal. Maybe I should do that again just to irritate him. Just to see what he would do now that Melanie was here. Maybe if I could make myself starve, this whole situation would be better. I'm not sure how, but maybe then he'll be more caring or something. I mean with Melanie here...but I wouldn't want to hurt Melanie, but if I told her what I was doing...that would be stupid.

I haven't been with anyone yet today. Maybe no one will come in for me! That's a total lie. I'm sure there will be plenty in later on. People are at work now. Ryan is on the laptop with the guys again. They're all just gathered around there. Probably checking our earnings. I really hope that I'm doing okay. I don't want to get in trouble for not making enough. I want to look but no chance of that happening. "It's none of your concern," is what Ryan says. None of my concern! If I don't make enough he lectures me then beats me! How is that not my concern? Okay, calm down Kylie. Everything will be fine. Yeah, trying to get myself to calm down works perfectly. Sara is giving me odd looks. Maybe I should stop writing.

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7:11pm - Pasta

Today has been so boring!

About yesterday, Ryan said no about cutting my hair even just the dead ends. Well, at first he said it was okay until he asked Melanie how much she would have to cut off. Almost 2 inches. He changed his mind. "No more than half an inch." Another argument between the two about why she should cut off the dead ends and how it would grow faster and things. She finally succeeded in it. Ryan just can't say no to her...like we can't say no to him. Of course with her he really does have a choice. With us, we say no, we're in painful trouble.

So anyway, Melanie cut my hair some and it looks good. She said her aunt was a stylist and had taught her how to do trimmings and other things. She even cut it a bit around my face for a layered look. Ryan actually approved! I'm glad!

She wants to experiment with makeup on me next. I'm a little nervous. Truthfully journal, I've never worn makeup. I mean I have a few times while I've been here. I remember dressing up for this one party that the guys had. I had on a really pretty dress and Ryan had me put on makeup. It wasn't very good. Maybe Melanie can teach me how to put it on right. She wears make up all the time and she's so beautiful. I've noticed some scars on her arms before though. I asked her how she got them and she said that it didn't matter. I asked if Ryan had ever hurt her but she glared at me and said that he would never hurt her. I didn't mean to offend her. I just know how Ryan is.

And journal, one of the best things happened today! Melanie cooked dinner for all of us! Melanie has no idea that we normally don't get dinner or lunch except for on Sundays since she works the other days. Well she doesn't work Saturdays but she's not here usually. The past Saturdays since she's been here, her and Ryan have went out. Anyway, we got to eat a little bit. She fixed pasta. It was really good. It was fettuccine and pasta sauce and then we had bread slices too. Ryan let Sara and me eat upstairs with him and Melanie. He kept watching us which freaked me out a little until I noticed him smiling. Nothing dark. It was almost sympathetic. I don't think it really was though. Ryan being sympathetic? He has no reason to be.

So we just got done eating. Sara and I are back downstairs and we still have 3 more hours to work. I hope no one comes in. I just want to lie back and maybe ask Ryan for a book to read.

Mallory has been upset lately since Myra's been gone. She's only been gone a few days, but I know what it's like from when Emma left. It's lonely. I don't even know why I care. I mean Myra was awesome and I miss her too, but why should I care how Mallory feels. She's never nice to Sara or me. Then again, she's a part of Megan's little group. Whatever Megan says goes. She thinks she has so much authority around here just because of Brad. Brad had brought her here like a year and a half ago or something. The story that Sara told me that she had heard from Greg was that Brad and Greg had found Megan out on the streets by herself but it was a freezing night and she said that she had nowhere to go so Brad told her that she could come with them. I guess Brad gave her a choice whether to stay in which she would have to work for him or she could leave and go back to living on the streets. It was in middle of winter so what else did he expect her to say! Well I don't know really what I would choose. Maybe I would or maybe I wouldn't. I've never been in that situation to where I had no home to return to.

And with Mallory, Jason actually bought her off of some freaks. That's what Myra told me. Something about her parents selling her to this group of people so they could pay their bills off...Anyway, I was told that this group had bought her for so much and then basically raped her over and over again. Myra said that Mallory told her that she was kept in a basement also but it was set up like an apartment almost and that there were lots of rules to follow. The whole point was to train her to sell her body. Probably for something like this. Anyway, Jason bought her from them or so I'm told. It sounds like she has it much better here than there though. I mean Jason can be cruel too but he can also be really sweet at times. I don't see him much but he does talk to Sara and me every now and then when Ryan isn't around.

Mentioning Ryan, he just came back downstairs. He said that he was going upstairs to do a few things after he brought Sara and me back down. Personally I think him and Melanie just got done having hot, passionate sex. I totally cannot believe I just wrote that, but it's true! His hair is a little disshelved and he seems happy. Maybe I should ask. No. He might see that as a reason to punish me. Then again, he may find it amusing that I would even think that. I find it amusing that I thought that.

He's coming over. I'll ask Melanie later. She wouldn't get angry over a question like that. I don't think so at least.

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A/N:
A new chapter of "A Lost Life" is up too after what...28 days? lol sorry about that! udpating again tomorrow night on to become! yay! SVU SEASON 10 JUST STARTED! W00T! I LOVE YOU MARISKA! *ahem* yeah...