To Become

2:04am - Love?



It's been such a long time since I've written in you! I'm so sorry I forgot about you! Ryan told me. He gave you to me. He said that I was starting to remember more so he thought it would be okay. So much has happened I don't know where to start!



I went into the hospital. I remember that. Then I woke up and didn't remember anything! Not even about writing the last time in you. Ryan said that I tried to kill myself. I don't remember that, but it's right on the page before this in my handwriting. I read through you so many times. I read everything.



Myra is gone. They just got rid of her! I forget where Jason took her to but I know it wasn't with Michael. Michael owns a club in Minneapolis. Ryan said that I'll get to go there someday. Michael was over to look at Myra a few days ago, but instead of Myra, he decided that he'd rather look at me even though he knew that I wasn't for "sell." He wants Ryan to take pictures of me! I'm not stupid! I know what type of pictures he's wanting. All men are disgusting!



I found out a couple of weeks ago that Ryan has a girlfriend. Her name is Melanie. She's 23 and pretty and her and Ryan are perfect together. She's so nice too! She says that she's a math nerd so she's been teaching Sara and me new math problems. She went to this store a few towns over and got a math program for us. It has pre-algebra to AP Calculus. It includes AP statistics too! I don't think I'll ever get to there. I've never really liked math but it's fun. Ryan said that we can practice on the weekends. That means that we don't have to work Saturday evenings!



Sara and I have both had algebra and Sara has had geometry. I didn't get to finish the second half of my sophmore year so I've just had half a year in geometry. Geometry isn't very easy, but Sara is really good at it! I'm better at algebra and she's better at geometry. We're opposites! Melanie says that a person is usually good at one or the other.



Melanie got angry with Ryan last week for something he did. She was screaming at him and she grabbed me from him! Next thing I know, I'm inside of her car and Ryan is chasing us outside. He was so pissed off! I was just completely numb. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. I was sitting in Melanie's car while those two were arguing. I had wished that she had left her keys in the ignition so I could just drive off, but that would be stupid to do. Ryan is always carrying a gun and he's a good shot. Or so I've heard from Jason.



Things calmed down between them I guess because Ryan grabbed Melanie and they were kissing. I could see through the rear view mirror! I'll never understand love. I'm glad Ryne and I aren't together anymore. I mean we never broke up but I haven't seen him since March...I miss him but if we would have ended up anything like Ryan and Melanie, we're better off now.



What got Melanie so mad is that she had gotten a phone call from her cousin. I think it's her cousin. His name is Chris. She was upstairs and when she came downstairs I guess to tell Ryan, I was with Greg who was rushing me into the other room when he noticed her coming down the stairs. She caught us though. One of the customers had gotten upset with my performance or something. I found out later that he didn't like it that I was just lying there and not moving with him. I was told before that my job was to stay still. I'm supposed to have the easy part while the guy on top is the one who does all the work. If he would have said something then perhaps I would have listened and did what he wanted me to do. A person can't just assume that I know what they're thinking.



Sorry about the tangent journal. The guy of course got mad and ended up punching me in the face. My lip busted open and then he threw me on the ground and kicked me in the stomach. Of course then I started throwing up blood. Ended up being just minor damage. Nothing to worry about. I heard the man shouting at Ryan when he left. I made my way out of the room slowly knowing that Ryan would be back there eventually. He just gave me a disappointed look then grabbed my arm and dragged me back into the main area of the basement. Then I was thrown on the ground again. I remember looking at him trying to figure out what he was going to do, but he didn't do anything. He just sighed. I'm starting to get tired of his sighing.



Greg came out and helped me sit up while he treated my lip. I had a bruise forming on my left cheek according to him. That's when the door opened.



So Melanie immediately started yelling at Ryan asking what had happened to me, if he had did it, why he didn't stop it, if he even cared...stuff like that.



All is confusion in my head. It can be kind of comedic watching them though.



Today, well yesterday since it's almost two in the morning, Sara and I went swimming! Ryan and Melanie sat on the dock. That is until Melanie pushed Ryan in. It was too funny. He pulled Melanie in and dunked her. He got Sara and me a few times too. I don't remember having that much fun in a while.



I should probably get to bed. Sara and I have another long day of work tomorrow. I wish Melanie was here during the day, but she works at this gas station in town. I'm not supposed to know this, but she said it's called Drag Race. She also told me that I'm about an hour and a half away from home. She said that's going southwest from St. Paul. I know two cities down that way. Northfield and Faribault. I wonder if I'm anywhere near them? I'm scared to ask. Some things we just don't speak of.



I'm glad we're back together journal. Good night.



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A/N:

Journal entries are back. I'm sorry for the skip into the future thing by so much. The last chapter is dated on September 5, 2008, so this is a little over 2 weeks since that chapter.



I am officially moved again now. Ryan says hi. Okay, so this guy I met from Minneapolis looks a lot like how I picture Ryan to look. The eyes are a bit different, but other than that, so freaky! So a few things happened between us that I was really uncomfortable with and I think he realized that because he sent me flowers! The note that came with the flowers said something along the lines of, "sorry about last night - josh (ryan)" I still have the note with me, but I don't feel like getting up to get it. lol But yes, I told him about Ryan and the story. He's supposed to read to become and a lost life when he gets the chance. I'm anxious to see what he says about them.



A Lost Life WILL be updated. I promise! When, I don't know. Since that isn't on a real time schedule like this one, I'm able to update it whenever I feel like it. lol In other words, whenever I'm not at a writer's block. I'm researching at the moment. I found two books that I'm going to read. They're by the same author, an ex-cop from Minneapolis who wrote one book about stopping a prostitution ring in Minnesota that actually sold girls to other rings in New York. It's non-fiction as well. I'm hoping that, as sad as it is, it will be able to help me in writing these two stories.



Too long of an A/N! Thanks for reading. Now review!