Shawn's Voice

XxX XxX XxX 18 years old XxX XxX XxX

They were seniors now.

The Thursday before Christmas vacation found Shawn hiding out in the library while the other students were in the auditorium for the Christmas assembly. He couldn’t stand to be in a crowded auditorium, the noise and crush of people, so he was just waiting for the morning to be over.

There was a big dance tonight in the gym. The annual Winter Wonderland themed dance; which Shawn had not attended even once.

As you can well imagine with the intermittent lack of speech and the fact most social situations left him with heart palpitations, Shawn’s dating life was...less than active. It was expected that boys would ask the girls out, and well...Shawn could rarely even make eye contact with the girls in his class, let alone start a conversation that would lead to a date.

To be fair it didn’t bother him much, there was no girl he was dying to ask out, but when he saw the kids in his class starting to pair off, there were times he was jealous that they had someone like that.

He had Ryan, of course. His best friend was never far from his side, even as the brunette racked up his own fair sharing of girls.

Since Kelsey Nichols in seventh grade, Ryan dated a succession of girls. In high school he averaged one or two a month for one or two weeks each. It was ... a lot of girls. All the same, Shawn couldn’t remember there ever being a time Ryan blew him off for a girlfriend, or couldn’t hang out because he was on a date.

Girls pursued Ryan – probably because of his I-don’t-care-what-you-think attitude. He was a challenge for them, Shawn guessed, or maybe just because of his large toned body and dark looks. Whatever the reason, Ryan was never short on dates.

The boy in question flopped down in the seat beside Shawn. Shawn looked over and arched an eyebrow.

Ryan ignored his look, leaning back on the chair. “Assembly was lame. You looked lost in thought.”

Shawn smirked a little, and scribbled in the margin of his chemistry notes, Thinking about you, actually.

“What about me?”

Shawn reached for his pencil again.

“Use your words, Blondie.” Ryan chided softly.

Over the past few years Shawn had become more and more skilled at speaking. At least in front of Ryan...when they were alone. At all other times he was pretty much still silent, though he could converse with a few classmates when he wasn’t thinking about it. Right now, there was almost no one else in the library; the librarian was behind the desk by the door, and there were three girls on the computers along the far wall, but no one was near the study carrels where they were. Ryan was right, Shawn thought he probably could talk; just it was more natural to type or write than say things out loud Of course, now Shawn was thinking about talking, his pulse was increasing.

But Ryan was looking at him intently, instilling a sense of calm in Shawn. Shawn glanced down at the table top, forcing the words out of his mouth coherently, “Thinking about...dating...you...”

There, not bad at all. Shawn looked up at Ryan, rather pleased with himself.

Ryan rocked forward, all four legs of the chair slamming down loudly. He stared at Shawn, clearly staggered, his lips parted. Shawn was confused by Ryan’s reaction and rapidly rethought his words. Oh, shit. Shawn fumbled with his pencil and rapidly scrawled:

I didn’t mean it that way!
I was thinking about dating girls,
and how you usually go through girls
like bags of chips. Not recently though.
Hey, when was the last time you went on a date?

Shawn looked up; Ryan was still looking at him with an uncharacteristic expression on his face. In frustration, Shawn rapped his pencil several times onto the table. Sorry, he wrote, don’t freak out, it came out wrong!

“Yeah, right, of course.” Ryan finally responded. “I knew you didn’t mean...that.”

Shawn gave him a crooked smile and underlined his previous question, adding, So?

“Well, funny you should ask, Megs asked me to the dance tonight.”

Megan Poole was a blonde, perky cheerleader. She was actually pretty nice. If you liked perky. Shawn was intimidated by perky, but still that was no reason discount the fact she a decent person. Shawn picked up his pencil and wrote, Cool.

Ryan looked down at what he had written and then scoffed. “Yeah, cool.” His tone became teasing, bordering on unkind, “Hey, Megs is friends with Bridgette, I could ask and see if she’ll bring her along for you; sorta like a double date.”

Ryan had teased about things like this before, teased about setting Shawn up with different girls. Shawn always declined, the first few times out of genuine panic, and then lately out of habit and a smidge of basic disinterest in going through all the trouble it would take of him to socialize on that level...but what the hell, he was 18 and he’d never even gone on a date before. Besides, Shawn liked Bridgette, she was his biology lab partner – a red head, curvy, and cute. Shawn was comfortable enough with her that he could actually string words together when they worked one-on-one. And if he couldn’t, she was really nonchalant about him writing out his half of the conversation. Plus, he didn’t want to be home, bored and alone if Ryan was going to the dance.

“Okay.”

“Nah, I kn – What?” Ryan practically did a double take.

Sure, ask Megs to ask Bridge for me, Shawn scribbled on the last free corner of his page.

“You sure?”

Shawn nodded.

Ryan looked at him critically for a moment and then looked away and stood up abruptly. “I better go.”

Shawn put his head down to write, ‘K, see you at lunch, but by the time he looked up again, Ryan was walking out the door.

XxX XxX XxX XxX XxX XxX

At the end of the day, Shawn turned the corner into the west wing of the school where Ryan had his locker. He hadn’t seen the other boy since the library and was hoping to meet him so they could walk out to the student parking lot together. Ryan’s parents had helped him buy a used car at the end of junior year and he drove Shawn home every day, saving the anxious blond the trouble of having to catch the bus and ride to and from school trapped in a small confined space with 40 other students.

Shawn’s clear blue eyes scanned the streaming sea of students. Megan Poole’s blonde hair shone like a beacon from the vicinity of Ryan’s locker. She was standing next to him, a small frown pouting her artificially pale pink and glossy lips. Shawn approached quietly, not wanting to interrupt.

“What do you mean the dances are lame? Ryan, you already said you would go and the dance is tonight!” Shawn heard a mixture of confusion and irritation in her voice.

Shawn’s brows drew together, Ryan didn’t want to go to the dance?

“Yeah, well...” Ryan started with a slow, unconcerned shrug of his shoulders.

“Oh, hey Shawn.” Megan had noticed him and nodded glumly towards him.

Ryan straightened from the lockers, half turning towards Shawn.

Shawn glanced up into Ryan’s eyes and then back down to chest level. He nodded a little in Megan’s general direction and forced out a ‘hey’ that may or may not have been loud enough to be audible.

“So, about the dance...” Meg prompted.

“Yeah.” Ryan flexed his jaw then slammed his locker shut, he exhaled long and slow. “Think you can see if Bridgette will come with us. For Shawn.”

“Oh!” Megan’s voice lifted happily. “That’s what you were getting at? So, I bet Bridge would double with us.” The cheerleader already had her phone out, texting away. “We’re staying after school to help decorate; you guys wanna meet us here at like quarter to nine?”

“Yeah, okay.” Ryan replied. Shawn thought he sounded irritated – apathetic at best – but Megan didn’t appear to notice anything amiss.

“Great, see you then! You too, Shawn!” She added as an afterthought.

Shawn made a noise of agreement, while Ryan said nothing.

With a wave and a little flounce, Megan took off down the hall towards the gym. Ryan started walking in the other direction towards the parking lot and Shawn hurried to keep up.

Ryan drove home in silence and pulled into Shawn’s driveway. He tapped his hands restlessly on the steering wheel, staring straight out the windshield, waiting for Shawn to get out. “I’ll pick you up around 9, okay?”

Shawn blinked and then pointed out, “Supposed to be at the dance before 9.”

“Just real impatient for your big date?” Ryan taunted almost cruelly.

Shawn recoiled slightly. Fumbling with his backpack, he tried to get out of the car.

“Shawn, wait.” Ryan reached out a grabbed his shoulder.

“I don’t have to go.” Shawn said with surprising force.

Ryan looked taken aback. “Huh?”

“To the dance. I don’t have to go if you don’t want me there. If I’d be in the way...”

“No, of course I want you to come. Just,” Ryan grit his teeth, flexed his jaw, “You know, they’ll be lots of noise. Lots of people. You sure you can handle it?”

Shawn considered it then answered honestly. “I don’t know. But I want to try.”

“Okay.” Ryan tone was a forced calm. “I’ll pick you up at quarter to nine then, okay?”

Shawn bit his lip and fiddled with the door handle. “Okay...”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

Shawn sighed, tone softening. “Blondie, tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t think I have anything to wear...”

Ryan huffed and put the car in reverse, backing right back out of the driveway. “We’ll get ready at my place, then.”

XxX XxX XxX XxX XxX XxX

Up in his room, Ryan dug through the back of his closet and threw out a pair of black dress pants and a white dress shirt he had out grown a year or two ago. “See if that fits.”

Shawn took it into the bathroom and changed. It fit okay; the height was good even if it was a little too big in the waist and collar.

“Looking good, Peters.” Ryan eyed him appraisingly, then tossed him a dark red tie. “Here.”

Shawn hung it over his neck and then stepped forward, chin tipping up hopefully.

“Can’t tie it?”

Shawn nodded.

Ryan clenched and unclenched his fingers at his sides and then reached up and knotted the tie, his father had taught him how years ago. His fingers brushed Shawn’s throat and if they lingered too long, at least Shawn didn’t notice.

Ryan changed into his own semi formal wear, black pants and a charcoal shirt and black tie.
“Okay. Let’s go watch a movie and get our formalwear wrinkled before we have to go.”

XxX XxX XxX XxX XxX XxX

When Ryan parked in front of the school after 9, the parking lot was getting full. Music could be heard faintly in the winter air, coming from the gym.

The boys walking in the front door, Ryan paying for their entrance. The girls descended on them as soon as they walked into the heavily decorated gym.

Megs was in a red strapless dress that poofed over her hips with layers of taffeta. Bridgette’s dress was simpler, black and sleeveless, falling straight to the middle of her thighs.

Shawn tried to smile, following half a step behind Ryan as the dark haired boy lead the way towards them.

Ryan gave Megs an obviously leering look once he was close, then made a low whistle of approval. “Sexy girl.”

Megs smiled confidently in return, preening slightly. “Thanks, Gorgeous.”

Shawn wiped his palms nervously on his pant legs. Bridgette looked at him with anticipation. He swallowed once, trying to fit together the right words. “You look...Bridgette.” You look Bridgette? Fuck! “Um...Nice. Pretty. Bridge.” Ugh, not much better.

Bridgette seemed to appreciate the tongue-tied compliment regardless. She smiled showing off her perfect white teeth, “Thank you, Shawn. You look great, too.”

Shawn’s eyes flickered around the crowed gym, taking an unconscious half-step closer to Ryan’s tall, solid body. The music too loud, flashing lights too bright.

“We were just about to get a drink. You guys want?” Megs nodded her head towards the concession stand set up by the drama club.

“Sure.” Ryan agreed, inconspicuously using his body as a barrier between Shawn and the dance floor. He passed Megs a twenty-dollar bill. “We’ll go find a table.”

Megs and Bridgette agreed and disappeared towards the other side of the room.

Ryan led Shawn to a table that was against the left wall, it was a little darker there, and away from the speakers. “Doing okay, Blondie?”

Shawn nodded, eyes still darting around. “Think so.”

“Tell me when you want to go.”

Shawn shook his head, blond hair catching some of the light. He was determined to see this through. “No. I’ll...be okay.”

Ryan turned to watch the dance floor, expression set, jaw line stiff.

The girls were back in a few minutes. Their eyes sparkling with mischief as they slid plastic cups of pop over the table and sat down.

Ryan frowned with suspicion, reaching for his glass. He sipped it, finding it heavily spiked with what he suspected was spiced rum – exactly what he expected from the girls’ impish expressions. He looked across at Shawn, willing the blond to detect the alcohol, too.

Shawn lifted his cup, faltering once it got under his nose. The smell of alcohol was infinitely familiar to him.

Ryan reached across for the glass, practically snapping at the girls, “Shawn doesn’t drink.”

Bridgette’s eyes widened with guilt, concern evident. “Oh, sorry, Shawn! I didn’t know. I can get you another...”

“Nnn.” Shawn made a sound of disagreement; he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. “S’okay.”

“Shawn, you don’t – ” Ryan began with a sigh.

Shawn cut him off, looking at Bridgette with a faltering smile, “One...won’t hurt.” He gamely took a sip and swallowed successfully without grimacing.

Megan ran a hand down Ryan’s sleeve. “Let’s dance.”

He shrugged carelessly, “Maybe later.”

The petite cheerleader pouted slightly and sat back on her chair, fixing her hair.

Bridgette leaned forward towards Shawn who was sitting on her right, elbows propping on the table. Shawn wondered if she knew the position made her cleavage push up and strain against the cut of her dress; he decided she probably did. “Do you want to dance, Shawn?”

The list of things Shawn would rather do was about a mile long and started with ‘shoving burning splints under his nails’, but his was his first dance, possibly his only dance, and he ought to try it at least once. He didn’t want to disappoint anyone. “Uh...” looked over at Bridgette, hoping she’d understand, “Try.”

“Yeah, sure, we’ll just give it a try.” She smiled and stood up.

Ryan stood up as well.

Megan looked up at him, confused. “But...”

“What? Didn’t you want to dance?” His tone was impatient.

“Well, yeah, but... Nevermind.” She hopped up and grabbed Ryan’s arm, pulling him towards the dance floor.

Shawn watched them go, feet planted in place.

Bridgette cleared her throat and nodded her head towards the dancers. “Shawn?” Out of his depth, he trailed her to the dance floor, ducking and swerving to stay out of the way of other students.

Once he was out on the floor, Shawn’s eyes searched out Ryan. The dark haired boy was dancing, pressing up close to the blonde cheerleader. Shawn tried to mimic how Ryan moved except he left more space between himself and Bridgette. It felt incredibly awkward, more so when the music switched to a slow song.

He froze up. Bridgette stepped closer, “Do you want to, Shawn? It’s easy. I promise.” She reached up and wound her arms around his neck. Shawn carefully placed his hands on her hips. Automatically, he looked back over to where Ryan was, trying to imitate him. He was so focused on copying the movements of Ryan’s body, he was startled when he looked up at one point to find Ryan staring back at him over the dance floor. Shawn’s blue eyes locked onto Ryan’s black ones, his nerves quieted; suddenly more able to block out the booming music and flashing lights.

As the song ended, Shawn blinked, a little startled to find Bridgette pressed against his body. And more startled to discover he was hard in his pants, flushing with the realization that the redhead could probably feel it against her. He instantly pulled away, biting down on his lower lip. Bridgette looked at him, knowingly.

She leaned up closer to his ear so she could be heard over the new song playing. “How about a walk outside? I think it’s supposed to be a full moon.”

Shawn nodded and smiled, naively eager to get away from the panic-inducing press of bodies and noise. Bridgette’s smile in return was rather more predatory. She latched onto his hand and started to lead him back towards the sidedoor that was being propped open for smokers.

There was a bright moon, though, Shawn noted, it definitely wasn’t full. Bridgette lead him over to a dark corner, she was smiling, but clearly a little nervous. She shivered faintly; it was cool out, snow blanketing the ground, but thankfully there was no wind. Shawn hesitantly shrugged out of his jacket and held it out to her.

She smiled at him, wrapping herself in the jacket.

“I was really excited when Megs told me you wanted to come to the dance with me.” Bridgette admitted.

Shawn nodded, wetting him lips anxiously, wondering what exactly Megan had said.

“Truth is, I’ve had a crush on you all year.”

She had? Shawn shifted, flattered but ill at ease. “I...Um...” He smiled at her weakly.

She took that as an invitation and stepped closer so their bodies just touched. She leaned up and kissed him, it was slippery with her glossy lipstick and her teeth banged his lip slightly.

Shawn’s pupils dilated; the feelings new and frankly a little exciting.

Bridgette kissed him again, this time it was a little better. Less wet, no teeth. It wasn’t bad, Shawn decided distractedly, it really wasn’t. He just wished she didn’t taste like lipstick and cherry coke and rum, Ryan hadn’t... Shawn quickly pushed away the hazy memory of his only other kiss year ago under the mistletoe.

He should try to just relax, who knew when he’d ever get another chance to do something like this. He turned off his brain, or at least attempted to, boldly leaning down to press his mouth over Bridgette’s mirroring her actions.

He wasn’t sure how long they stood there making out, more than 5 minutes, less than 10 he decided fuzzily. Bridgette broke the kiss, face still tilted up towards him. She pressed her hips against him, her hand against his left front pocket, making his heartbeat faster. “My parents are at some office party tonight. If you wanted to come hang out after the dance.”

Even Shawn, with all his social blocks, could grasp the meaning behind ‘hang out’ in this situation. Could he do it? Did he want to? A million different scenarios ran through his mind. She looked pretty in the moonlight, her skin soft and flawless, featured fine and feminine, so different from...

“Shawn!”

Shawn pulled back, a little breathless, at the sound of Ryan’s forceful bark. He looked up, feeling inexplicably ashamed, as if he had been caught doing sometime wrong. Ryan stalked across the pavement towards them, Megs hurrying behind him, slowed by her heels.

“Ryan?” Shawn choked out, taking a step back that left him pressed against the brick wall of the building.

Bridgette looked over at Megan and both girls shared commiserating looks.

Ryan barely spared either girl a glance. “I need to talk to Shawn.” With that, he grabbed one of Shawn’s arms; Bridgette still had a hold of the other.

“Ry-an.” Megs drew out his name with a roll of her eyes. “Let’s go back in; they obviously want to be alone.”

“It’ll just take a second. Meet us back inside. Come on, Shawn.” Ryan physically jerked him away, pulling him around the corner of the building out of sight and hearing of the other students.

“What are you doing?” Shawn whispered, twisting his arm free with a glare.

Ryan pressed his lips together for a moment, looking off over Shawn’s left shoulder to make sure no one was following. “Looking out for you.”

Shawn gave him a WTF look.

“It’s your first date; I’m just making sure... You’re kind of naive about these things. I’m not going to let her take advantage of you.”

“I can take care of myself!” the blond hissed.

“No, you can’t. Fuck, Shawn, she’s like throwing herself at you. It’s embarrassing. She thinks just by batting her lashes and pushing up her tits she’ll get you hard and ready.”

“That’s a bad thing?” Shawn felt his cheeks heat at the mental image Ryan was painting, but he wasn’t just going to back down.

Ryan grabbed his shoulder, scowling fiercely. “Megan told me that Bridgette is going to ask you back her place.”

Shawn nodded his head with short, abrupt jerks. “She already told me that.”

Ryan’s expression became grimmer. “Do you know her parents aren’t going to be there?”

Shawn just nodded again.

“You know what she’ll expect, don’t you?”

Shawn nodded, then shrugged, again with stiff, small motions.

“And you’re going with her? You’re just going to screw the first thing that opens its legs for you?”

“N...”...o But wasn’t that what he had been doing? Was his criteria for his first time really ‘nice enough’? Did he need more? He was 18 already, why not just... do it? It’s not like he had a lot of options, and Bridge was nice and cute and...available.

“Quit it!” Ryan snarled, giving Shawn’s shoulder a shake, his fingers pressing in.

Shawn gave him a confused look.

“I know what you’re thinking – quit it! You can’t just give someone your virginity because you can. That’s just pathetic.”

Shawn growled, speaking ability leaving him. He searched his pocket for a scrap of paper and pencil he always carried. He pulled it out and scribbled furiously, What’s your problem?

“She isn’t good enough for you.”

What?

“You need someone better, stronger, someone who will take care of you.”

Shawn squawked softly, insulted.

“Someone who gets what a big fucking deal taking your virginity should be.”

Whatever, Shawn wrote dismissively, Do you even remember losing yours, all those years ago? All those girls ago.

“I’m not you. I could do it with all those girls because I don’t let emotions get involved. You’re not like that. You’d fucking fall in love with the first thing you put your cock in! It’ll change things.”

Shawn inhaled quickly. It wasn’t often he saw Ryan lose it like this. If this...whatever with Bridgette was freaking Ryan out, well then, there really was no choice to make. He certainly didn’t want anything to change, not with Ryan, the one solid, unfailing thing in his life.

Shawn wrote on the paper and then handed it over to Ryan. Watching the dark haired boy noticeably let out his breath as he read what Shawn had wrote: Let’s go home.

Ryan nodded. “Alright, I’ll go tell the girls, meet me at the car.”

XxX XxX XxX XxX XxX XxX

Ryan didn’t take them home right away, he drove them to the top of the Plechmann’s escarpment, you could see the whole subdivision from there, nearly every house decorated with hundreds of tiny lights. He parked the car. It was starting to snow; pinpoint little flakes that melted when then hit the window.

Shawn just stared out the windshield silently.

“You haven’t said a word since we left the dance.” Ryan’s voice was a soft rumble.

“You’re starting college next year.”

“Yeah? So what?” Ryan twisted a little in the driver’s seat to look over at Shawn. “You’re starting that apprenticeship that the Markham airport.”

Shawn nodded, taking another silent moment to collect his thoughts. “I don’t want things to change.”

“Shawn...”

Shawn looked over him, blue eyes sincere. “Promise me things won’t change.”

“Things change, Blondie.” Ryan gave him a poignant look. “Sometimes change is a good thing.”

“No. Not us. Promise me things won’t change.” Shawn’s tone bordered on imploring.

“Does it really mean that much to you?”

“Yes, I want us to be friends. I don’t want that to change.”

“Friends...”

“Please, Ryan, promise me. For Christmas.”

Ryan’s eyes dulled, though Shawn couldn’t see that in the dark. “Ok, I promise, Shawn.”