"Jack" Series, Part 3: Jack Accepts

4. Meeting

On Monday morning I made my appearance at the main house after breakfast. I went straight to the large boardroom at nine, to find the boys all waiting there. They were on their knees as usual, but the deep gloom that pervaded the room today was different. And when I came in, every one of them bent forward to touch their foreheads to the floor. I smiled a little – it was kind of sweet – and went over to my usual chair. I sat down and waited for them to sit up again, but they held their positions.

"OK, boys," I said after a moment. "And Del. That’s very nice. Thanks," I added a little awkwardly; it was probably the first time I’d ever said that word to them.

They leaned up at last, onto their knees, and I looked around the room to see a united front of mournful, despondent faces. Gabe’s eyes were red, and I wondered about one or two of the others as well. If it was an act, it was very convincing. But I thought it probably wasn’t.

"I guess you’ve all heard the news," I said finally.

That got a reaction; nods, and some choking, half-sobbing breaths. I started to think they were laying it on a bit thick.

"Come on, now," I said, almost impatiently. "It’s not as bad as all that." I surveyed the room again, and this time I met Rocky’s gaze. His expression was sorrowful, like the others’, but unlike the others he was also watching me with deep concentration, as though still processing everything that happened, turning it over in his mind.

I smiled a little. "It’s very touching, how sad you all look. I give you credit for keeping up appearances. Yes, I’m leaving today." I grew more serious. "I want to assure you that my decision has nothing to do with any of you, or anything you’ve done. I guess we all knew when I arrived that this wasn’t going to last forever. I’ve enjoyed working with you," I told them, truthfully; I was feeling a little generous, even slightly sentimental, now. "More than I expected to. I won’t … deny that I didn’t have very high expectations when I first arrived here." I laughed slightly, looking around the room and trying to coax a smile onto the glum faces around me. "And I’m happy to admit that my opinion of all of you has improved since then. You’re … " I hesitated, considering, then threw restraint to the winds. "You’re a good group of subs. Under the circumstances, you do a fine job of serving Tiran. And you’ve come a long way even in the … " I paused and calculated mentally; "… fourteen months or so that I’ve been here. I’m proud of you." I stopped, and looked around the room again, trying to meet each gaze individually for a moment. They were listening to me somberly, some looking like they were going to break down, Gabe tearful, Dusty manful, Rocky still thoughtful.

I went into my office for a moment and came back with the box of confiscated items and began handing them out. "You’re on your own for now, guys. I’m not sure what Tiran is going to do next. It’s up to you to keep up the good work. I’ll hear about you, you know." I smiled at them again, feeling a momentary stab of nostalgia already. "So be good."

I stopped, and they pressed forward suddenly, trying to talk to me, plead with me, kiss my foot or hand. For a moment I allowed it; then I put up my hands to stop them. "That’s enough, all of you. I’ll be leaving in about an hour. If you come down to the garage I’ll say good-bye to each of you then." I looked around the room with a note of finality. "Dismissed."

It was hard even for me to walk away. I realized I hadn’t packed up my office yet and it seemed like a good place to go and gather myself, so I made my exit across the hall and through the ante-room, into the office.

Inside, I shut the door and took a couple of deep breaths to compose myself before I began gathering my things from the room. Tools, tablet, accessories … I was lost in thought when I heard the door open and shut quietly behind me. I turned around and saw Rocky standing there, just inside the entrance, watching me steadily.

"You know I’d crawl for you if I thought it would do any good," he said softly. "You can hear me beg if you want … but it won’t work, will it?"

I stood back, behind my desk, and held his gaze. "I don’t want to hear you beg," I told him, and for once it was the truth. He was right; it wouldn’t help, and I didn’t want to drag the scene out pointlessly.

"And I guess there’s nothing I can do for you that will change your mind," he went on, still facing me quietly from the doorway.

I shook my head. It felt oddly good to be having this exchange with him. "No," I said, without rancor. "There’s nothing you can do."

He nodded, and then, to my surprise, he moved over and sat down on the visitor’s chair against the wall. "But you don’t want to leave, do you?" he asked.

I stared at him. Even now, sometimes, I think of the gamble he took with that question. I hadn’t really thought about it until he asked me. "No," I admitted at last, taking myself by surprise with the response. "I don’t."

I sighed suddenly, realizing the truth of it. I didn’t want to leave. I liked it here. But there was no way my pride was going to allow me to stay. "Look, Rocky," I went on quickly, not wanting to lead him on. "It’s … nice that you’re trying. But it’s not going to work. So let’s not waste a lot of time. Either of us."

He half-smiled. "It’s not a waste of my time, sir," he said quietly, with conviction. "No matter what the outcome is."

I sat down behind the desk. "Well," I said, challenging, if a little sad. "I know what the outcome will be."

Rocky looked at me seriously now. "I … heard about what Sal said to you the other night."

I shrugged impatiently. "That’s not important, Van. I don’t care what he said. I’m glad I heard it."

Rocky nodded. "It made you think about what you’re doing here, right? What you’re being paid for … what Tiran wants from you."

Part of me wanted to deny it, to lash out at him. But another part couldn’t help but recognize that there was no one better to talk about this with. If anyone else knew what it was like to be in this situation, it was Rocky. "I realized that … Tiran doesn’t really need my services," I told him finally.

"He does, actually," Rocky said gently, as though correcting me out of form, not trying to convince me. "Even if he doesn’t know it yet. We all need you, sir. Desperately."

I nodded slightly, conceding a little. "I sort of see that you … get something out of it, Rocky."

He leaned forward suddenly, to look into my eyes intently. "It means the world to me, having you here," he said forcefully. "I can’t tell you what a difference it makes to me."

I looked at him thoughtfully, inclined to believe him. "That may be," I said. There was something I’d never understood, and for once there seemed no harm in admitting my curiosity. What did I have to lose now? "But it’s hard to see why you accepted my discipline so willingly," I told him frankly. "I can see that Tiran would never have forced it on you. And I know you didn’t enjoy the punishment. Everything I’ve done to you … why did you take it? What does Tiran have on you, anyway?"

He smiled a little at me, as though he’d sometimes wondered the same thing. "Guilt’s a part of it," he suggested. "Feeling like I’ve never made up to him for what I did. Not just the one big thing, but all the little ways I’ve hurt him, let him down over the years. It feels great, sometimes, to just pay for it all."

I frowned, considering that. "Maybe. But that should be been out of your system a while ago."

He smiled again, yielding the point. "Yes, sir, it’s more than that." He paused and gave me a long, reflective look. "You know … I – I made a promise to Tiran a long time ago. That I’d be here for him, whatever way he wanted me – as his friend, his lover, his slave … whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it. And it turns out … he needs me to be all of those things. At different times. He wants it all; he wants me every way – he can’t let any part of it go. And the problem is, he wants me to know – to know without being told, which one he wants." Rocky’s gaze was fixed on me, watching to see if I understood. "That’s the part I have trouble with, sir. I’m happy to do anything he wants me to – love him, serve him – whatever it is. But it’s fucking hard to know what to do when."

I held his gaze, slightly mesmerized by the intensity of his words. "And what do I have to do with that?"

Rocky laughed suddenly, breaking the spell. "God, sir, you make it so easy! You’re so sure, so certain. It’s an absolute joy to just do what you tell me to. It makes everything so much easier, don’t you see? All these years I’ve struggled by myself, trying to get it right, trying to get the balance right for Tiran. Now you come in and give me orders and all I have to do is follow them. It’s amazing."

His sincerity was unmistakable; his eyes lit up with pleasure as he spoke. I couldn’t doubt the truth of what he said. Even if I still didn’t quite get it.

"But how do I help you know what to do when?" I asked, still dubious. "It’s my job – it was my job to make you a better slave. I don’t tell you when not to be one."

He nodded, his eyes still alight, and lifted his hands a little, helplessly. "I don’t know exactly, sir … I just know it’s so much easier to be Tiran’s friend, knowing that you’ll take care of the slave part. It’s just one thing I don’t have to ever worry about anymore. I really think … " Rocky stopped abruptly, and gave me a look of such sudden, intense wistfulness it almost took my breath away. "I think you and I would make a perfect team. If we could just get ourselves lined up right."

Somehow, that last part re-awakened my resistance. I shook my head quickly. "It’s not about you, Rocky," I said, more harshly than I intended. "It’s about Tiran."

His candid excitement slipped away then, replaced with the usual humility. "Yes, sir," he agreed quietly, looking down.

I went back to the main point. "And I still don’t have reason to believe that Tiran needs my services."

"I need you, sir," Rocky said, suddenly firm, his eyes looking up to meet mine. "And … Tiran needs me. Isn’t that a reason?"

I considered his proposition, then shook my head almost reluctantly. "No. I didn’t come here for your benefit, Rocky. I came for Tiran." The irony wasn’t lost on me. Tiran had always said that his boys had asked him to hire a disciplinarian and I’d always dismissed that as so much manipulative bullshit. Now, the one thing I did believe was that the boys wanted me; it was Tiran I wasn’t convinced of.

Rocky smiled again, as though he hadn’t expected to win that round. "Of course, sir … I don’t mean to suggest that your work doesn’t help Tiran. Haven’t you seen how he looks when you discipline us in front of him?"

"Amused," I responded shortly. "He looks amused. Sometimes worried."

Rocky tilted his head, a slight concession. "He does worry sometimes – he’s always been afraid we wouldn’t be able to handle your discipline. He knows how easy we had it, how soft we were, before you came along. And he wouldn’t want to lose face in front of you, if his subs couldn’t cope. But that doesn’t mean he wants you to stop, does it? Has he ever said anything, tried to stop you?"

I shrugged, considering it. Yesterday I had thought of Tiran’s looks of concern as resistance or lack of support but really, I had no basis for that. He had never interfered or tried to restrict my action. "No," I admitted finally.

Rocky went on, more persuasively now. "Amused … yes. Tiran enjoys it, he likes watching me get my come-uppance from you. You see that, don’t you? And you know he … " Rocky hesitated, then went on delicately, as though afraid of offending me. "Tiran has his moments of insecurity, sir. He needs to know I’m his. All of us – he needs the occasional reassurance that he still has his hold over us. And you give him that, every time you discipline us, every time he sees us take your punishment. Doesn’t that count for something?"

This time I thought about what he said for a long time. There was a truth to it. In a way it was typical of Tiran to hide his need behind a mask of amusement and indifference. He wouldn’t want to show his weakness openly.

Rocky was watching me, waiting. Finally I looked at him. "It counts for something," I admitted. "But not enough." His arguments were forcing me to the heart of my resistance. "I can’t stay here to give Tiran occasional moments of amusement," I said. "I’m a professional. I’m not going to let people think he’s paying me to keep him company … like you."

Rocky smiled at me faintly, accepting the implied insult without protest. "Is it so bad, to be like me?" he asked mildly.

I felt an unexpected stab of remorse. "It’s not … I didn’t mean that, Rocky. I know you … have your reasons." I realized as I spoke that it was true; I believed Rocky’s feelings for Tiran now, accepted them as genuine, even if I still, often, found him infuriating. "But I’m not you."

Rocky nodded, smiling again. "Definitely not, sir," he agreed. He got up from the chair and came around the desk now, to kneel in front of me. "You’re a professional, a disciplinarian. We asked Tiran to hire you – because we knew we needed discipline. Not for our own sakes, but for his. And he agreed – not for our sake, for his own. You said it yourself, earlier this morning – our behavior has improved since you’ve been here. Do you really think Tiran doesn’t benefit from that?"

I shook my head in frustration – I’d said those things this morning to be nice, not to have them used against me.

Rocky reached up tentatively and took one of my hands in his. "Mr. Obernikoch, you don’t realize – you don’t remember how things were before you got here." His voice was low and pressing now. "You saw it when you first arrived. We really were undisciplined." He looked up at me. "Do you remember when you first got here? How appalled you were at our behaviour, how little we understood the concept of service?"

I did remember, though it seemed a long time ago now. Back then I had no doubt that Tiran needed me.

"I know you think we’re a – a bunch of dilettantes," Rocky went on quietly. "Sort of playing at being subs. But for whatever reason, Tiran owns every one of us. We owe him our submission; he has a right to it. It’s not something we get to choose – when we’re going to submit or not. You said that yourself, when you first came here, remember? And … and remember the other day, when Tiran needed me to go to the convention with him?" Rocky stopped again and looked up at me, still holding my hand. "He wasn’t asking me to go with him as a friend. It was an order. It wasn’t for me to decide if I wanted to obey him. But what did I do?"

"You argued." I looked down at Rocky skeptically. "But Tiran didn’t need me for that. He would have got his way without me. Eventually."

"Maybe, sir - eventually. I do back down usually – or maybe I would have talked him out of it, I sometimes do that too. But Tiran’s entitled to my obedience, he shouldn’t have to fight to get it. And with you there, he didn’t have to. When you stepped in, I knew I had no choice but to obey. Now Tiran can give us orders and he knows you’ll enforce them. He needs you to do that for him, just like you did with me that day. You brought me in line, and you even made sure he enjoyed it. Isn’t that your job?"

Rocky stopped and waited for me. I was almost out of arguments now, but I had a question left. "Is it?" I asked him. "Is it my job to be the enforcer and step in when I’m needed? If I’m a professional, aren’t I supposed to … do something bigger than that? Shouldn’t I be changing behavior, not just responding to it?"

He smiled up at me suddenly – a bright, sunny, reassuring smile. "Yes," he said simply. "You should be. You are. You do, every day."

I frowned. "I don’t think Tiran sees that."

Rocky nodded. "I agree, sir. That’s what I mean, he doesn’t realize how much he needs you. He sees the results but they’re so gradual, he doesn’t realize what they’re coming from."

I put my head to the side, looking at him thoughtfully. "Is that why I get the feeling that he doesn’t take my work seriously? Why does he never seem to care about what I do with you guys?" I guess it was my own insecurity speaking. But after all, that’s what Sal had exploited so successfully.

Rocky was quiet for a moment. "You might want to talk to him about it sometime," he said at last. "But I think … I think there’s a couple of reasons for it." At least he didn’t try to deny what I was saying. "For one thing, sir … hiring you wasn’t Tiran’s idea in the first place, so I don’t think he really likes to admit what a good one it was." He shot me a sudden grin. "That’s just human nature. And Tiran … he doesn’t like to be dependent, he doesn’t like to show his weaknesses. So he probably doesn’t want to acknowledge how much you’ve improved his life, even to himself. Another thing is … he’d rather think of you as his friend than his employee – he doesn’t want to think about you working for him. He thinks it’s more respectful to pretend you’re just his friend … because he doesn’t really understand how important work is to a professional, like you. He never really took that kind of pride in his own work."

I mulled over Rocky’s words as he spoke, nodding slightly. He knew Tiran well, I had to admit it. Everything he said rang true.

"Tiran should appreciate you more," Rocky concluded. "But it doesn’t change what you do for him. You give us the discipline we need. And that’s why we get a little better every day. So who could possibly say you aren’t providing a professional service to Tiran?"

I answered his rhetorical question sardonically. "Sal."

I saw Rocky’s anger flare. "You let me take care of Sal, sir. Please."

I looked down at him, my smile growing a little warmer now. "You make a convincing argument, Van."

Rocky must have known it was over then; I could feel him almost wilt with relief at my feet. "Do I, sir?" he breathed. "Does that mean I can move on to the crawling and begging now?" He spoke lightly but I could hear his voice tremble slightly underneath the playful words.

I reached down and brushed my hand faintly through his hair. "Not necessary," I told him, to put him out of his misery. "This time."

As I moved my hand away, he seized it, and brought it back to his mouth to kiss the palm in fervent gratitude. I gave him a minute, then pulled my hand away sternly. "There’s just one problem," I said, and he looked up at me apprehensively. "How the hell do I stay here after that spectacular good-bye speech I just gave?"

Rocky laughed out loud in relief and bent forward, this time to kiss my foot. "Please," he said as he straightened. "Allow me take care of everything."

"Oh, what - and let you take the credit?" I complained, mock angrily.

He leaned back and gave me another laughing look. "I’d say I can’t win, sir … except I think I already have."

Maybe we both did, I thought. Out loud I just said, "Come on. Let’s go get this over with."

I headed to the office door, and Rocky followed me out.