Internal Affair

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you all for reviewing. For H.S. Lennox and templeton21, as well as anyone who has read my blog, I promised that this would be a bombshell. I hope I didn't disappoint. The setting of this chapter is an actual place in my old neighborhood, and one I used to visit every so often. Again, enjoy, and don't forget to leave a review!


Internal Affair
Chapter Four: Beach Memory


I found myself standing in the middle of the beach in Ashbridges Bay Park, a familiar place to me. I never went there very often, but the times I did go bring back good memories. It’d been a week since I could get a fair amount of sleep, let alone dream, and even then, I was afraid of dreaming again. I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle another encounter with Josie.

I moved onto the boardwalk and walked in one direction, taking in the warmth of the setting sun and the salty taste of the breeze. I heard a young woman laughing, and with a smile, I turned around. I recognized that laugh right away.

My fiancée was laughing, walking down the boardwalk several feet away, with me, or a copy of me, at least. I realized now that this was a memory, and, judging by the pink floral shirt that she wore, it was a memory that I had come to recognize easily.

“Sorry that we only had pizza for dinner,” my memory-me said.

“It’s all right,” my fiancée told my memory-me. “What matters is that we’re back here.”

“Yeah.” My memory-self shrugged as they walked through me, er, my actual dream-self. “It’s been, what, a year since we walked down here together?”

“That’s sweet,” another voice said, and I felt something cold grip my heart and twist it.

“Josie, what are you doing here?” I turned, and I saw her strolling on the beach towards me. She wore a turquoise one-piece with a pleated skirt, a sun hat, and straw-colored sandals similar to the ones she wore during our first encounter.

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” she said. “I needed to see you.”

I furrowed my brow in confusion. “It’s been a week. I thought you’d have gotten sick of me, or my body no longer needed you…or something.”

She smiled and shook her head. “I’ve had restless sleep, just as you.” She looked around. “Is this a memory?”

“Josie, please, you have to go,” I pleaded. I had a feeling I knew where this was going to go, especially where Josie was concerned, and I wanted none of it. “This is my memory. You aren’t welcome here.”

She looked hurt. “I wanted to see you. It’s been a week, yes, and I couldn’t get you out of my mind.”

I snapped my eyes shut and shook my head fervently. “No, Josie, not now. I can’t see you anymore, especially after now. I’m remembering this for a reason, and it’s obvious as to what that reason is.” I turned away and took a deep breath. “What we’ve done wasn’t right. I made that mistake before, and I don’t want to do it again. I don’t trust myself when you’re here, and this is one thing I don’t want to ruin.”

I heard no response. I had to fight hard not to turn around, because I knew I’d see her cry if I did, and, dream or not, I couldn’t bear to see that. I did the next best thing and walked onto the beach and towards the waters, following my memory-self and my fiancée as they came up to one of the taller points on the beach.

The sky began to darken quite quickly for a summer night, though the weather was still beautiful and warm. I remembered vividly what was going to happen in my memory, and I stepped into the waters, the waves rolling around my ankles, though my feet weren’t wet at all. I watched my memory-self and my fiancée in a very heated embrace. I smiled to myself. Even though I was getting to second base, this memory had more to it.

My fiancée and I had come here once before, and though we only had pizza for dinner, as we did in this memory, she and I had never felt closer. It was so peaceful, so serene, so…perfect.

“Someone might hear us,” my fiancée said weakly. “We’d better get going.”

I crossed my arms and laughed gently to myself as my memory-self reluctantly got up and helped her up and back onto the sand. I felt someone staring me down, and the strong feelings I got from recalling the memory just seemed to wash away.

“Josie, please, I can’t do this,” I said, closing my eyes and shaking my head, not turning towards her. I was afraid, I really was, and I had a feeling she knew it.

I watched my memory-self and my fiancée walk away. I was silent when I noticed something was amiss. I had a feeling Josie knew, too.

“You do realize you’re not following them, right?”

I sighed and shook my head. I had a feeling that this would happen, and my fear intensified. Every time I recalled this memory, or any other memory for that matter, my mind always followed my memory-self. In this particular recollection, it was supposed to follow my memory-self and my fiancée as we took in the beach-area nightlife while looking for a bus stop to get home. It always followed them.

…Until now.

“Josie, please, just go,” I said. “Don’t you realize how much this is hurting me? How afraid you’re making me feel?”

“Don’t you think it hurts me?” she snapped. “I missed you for a week, and what do I come across? I see you in a memory!”

“You have no right to chastise me!” I turned around and stared her down. “You also had no right to say what you did last time we met.”

She looked as if I just hit her. “You can’t mean that…”

I slashed my arm through the air between us, silencing her before she went any further. “Josie, you seeing a memory would be inevitable. You have to remember that in this…affair, if one could even call it that, you’re the third person. How can you possibly say that you love me when I have someone in the waking world and I constantly question your existence?”

“How can you question my existence?” she repeated incredulously. “How can you question what we’ve shared? I honestly thought we felt a connection…”

I cut her off. “We had a connection, but I think we’re thinking on different wavelengths.”

“Why do I keep seeing you?” she asked me. “Why do I end up encountering a memory? Don’t you think that I can fantasize about someone else, someone I’ve seen in the waking world?”

“If you are real, Josie, perhaps it’s time you tried to,” I replied. “I’ve gone through too much turmoil in one night.”

She looked at me intensely. “What do you mean, turmoil?”

“It drives me crazy,” I answered honestly. I turned away again. “You drive me crazy.” I sighed. “I don’t trust myself around you, like I said before. And what’s worse, you’re starting to fall for me, if only in my dreams.”

“Don’t get all one-sided…”

“No matter how hard I try to believe that it is, I know it isn’t,” I replied. “Some part of me still wants you to return to me, and that same part of me wants to return your affection. And it hurts me to know that.”

“Why does it hurt you so much?”

“You’ve never had someone love you even after all the mistakes you made, did you?” I turned back to her and she slowly shook her head. “Even after all the things I’ve done and wished I’d done differently, after all the opportunities and reasons I’ve given for her to end everything that we’ve worked so hard to build for six years, she’s still been at my side. Can you imagine the kind of patience that takes?”

She looked away, unable to refute my logic.

“And yet you’re here, in my memory, and I’m here, still at the beach when about now my memory-self and my fiancée should already be heading into the subway to take her home.” I felt angry with myself, wondering why this was happening, why I still had feelings for a girl that just appeared in my dreams and suddenly wanted me.

“You still want to tell me what you did last time, don’t you?”

She nodded numbly. “I can’t deny this. Why did it have to be you, of all people? Why did it have to be like this?”

I chuckled. “You sound as if you know me.”

She smiled but her eyes still revealed pain. “You know I don’t, but still, I feel like I’m being taunted.” She looked up at me. “It doesn’t make me feel any less towards you, though.”

I nodded. “I know, and it hurts me to know that.” I opened and closed my fists, knowing I would instantly regret what I would say next. “It also hurts that I can’t return that affection to you, even though this part of me that holds onto you wants desperately to.”

She stared at me. “Desperately?”

“Look, don’t make this harder for me than it already is,” I said. “I want to wake up, to leave this and let my memory remain with my fiancée, but at the same time, that small part of me that keeps you in my mind wants to give you what you want right here, right now.”

She turned away from me and hugged herself. “Don’t do it if you don’t want to.”

Those words tore me in half like a sheet of aluminum foil. She offered herself to me, right there and then, but at the same time, she understood my trouble, even though we were in nothing more than a dream. I never realized I could get so choked up over a fantasy girl.

She seemed to be reading my thoughts, even though she still had her back turned. “Do you think you can live with yourself, knowing that you’ve fantasized over another woman?” She turned and walked right up to me, gently cupping my cheek in her hand. “You have to remember now that your memory is over, but we’re still here. This is a dream now.

“You keep forgetting what I told you before: People dream to get away from the waking life. You only make enough to get by in the real world; you’re rich in your dreams, like at the resort. You’re pressured by the hustle and bustle of daily life; you created that grassy field to get away from it all. You have a woman at your side that loves you in the real world; there is a woman that wants…” She shook her head. “…No, needs, your body in your dreams. She loves you for who you are, and I was serious about what I said.

"I’m starting to love you because I’ve never been graced with such uninhibited passion, and you keep that passion locked up for one person and one person only. She’s more than deserving of it, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve shared dreams with you, and the part that keeps us together wants to share that. I’ve tasted what only two others in the waking world have, and it seems unfair that only one person now keeps that to herself. The world needs the kind of love and zeal for both love and life that you have.”

“You really need to stop talking,” I said in a whisper, “because you’re making it tough for me to consider just waking up.”

“But I don’t want you to wake up,” she said to me with a sad smile. “If you’re not going to make your choice, I’ll have to make it for you.”

My lips suddenly met hers with such want I felt an electric shock when we kissed. I held her nearly to the point of crushing her, but she didn’t fight back. I gently bit her lower lip and kissed it as I left a trail of kisses down her chin, along her jaw, and at her ear lobe. She moaned and raised her head, granting me better access to kiss behind her ear and down her neck. She writhed in my grasp, even as I pressed my hips against hers.

I didn’t waste any time. I kissed the hollow of her throat and lowered even further to pay attention to her breasts as one hand pressed against her front, teasing her nether regions through her skirt. She let out a breathless whimper as my fingertips massaged her sensitive little button.

She whispered my name as I moved backwards with her still in my arms. We reached the point, the same one that my memory-self and my fiancée shared a tender moment, and I sat down, had her straddle my leg and fervently kissed and nibbled on her nipples while my other hand pressed against the small of her back, forcing her to rub against my thigh. I felt her getting wet through her panties quite quickly.

She started to shake her head. “No, no,” she whispered. “Please, please…” She forced me to stop my actions, and she immediately unbuttoned my jeans and released my aching erection from my boxers. She stroked me teasingly for a few seconds, drawing a gasp from me, and she smiled.

“I can tell you want me now as much as I want you,” she whispered. “Are you still considering waking up?”

I narrowed my eyes and she just laughed.

“Remember what I said…”

I nodded. “Us alone.”

Slowly, she eased herself around me and she wrapped her arms around my neck to keep her steady. She gasped when my hips met hers, and she stayed still for a moment, resting her forehead on my shoulder.

“God, I’ve never done this before,” she said after a few breaths. “Go slowly…please.”

I nodded and began to move her at a leisurely pace.

“It’s good,” she whispered, wrapping her arms tighter around me. “Just like that.”

I closed my eyes and continued to move her against me. I pressed her down to meet my hips as I pushed upward suddenly and was awarded with a surprised gasp.

“Oh my God!” she exclaimed as I continued to press my hips harder against hers. Her nails raked my back, and I sucked in air through my teeth.

“Keep going,” she panted. “Don’t stop. Just fill me…”

I continued to move her while I moved in perfect time against her. She whimpered when I moved away and nearly slipped out of her, and she moaned when she felt me filling her.

I opened my eyes and looked at her, and I found her staring at me. She gave me the most sincere smile, and I nearly had tears in my eyes with all the love and want I saw in hers.

“I love you,” she said to me as I pressed my hips against her. She held me close to her again, her voice escalating with every stroke. “I love you! I love you!”

I couldn’t bring myself to say it, even as I felt her tightening around me. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, even as I closed in on my own climax.

She panted my name repeatedly, and she arced her back as I pressed her down hard against me and held her close as she reached her peak. Her voice was like a Siren's call across the beach, a forlorn melody resounding in my ears. She trembled and her body tightened once again as another wave of her orgasm swept through her, prompting my own. I couldn’t hold back anymore as my own climax filled her, and wave after wave swept through me, leaving me enervated and shaking as I held her close to me.

I lay down with her still in my arms. Her dress was soaked, as was my shirt. She managed to lift herself up, and she shook as I slipped out of her.

“I love you,” she whispered again.

I was about to say something as I shook my head, but she put a finger to my lips.

“Shh,” she said, shaking her head. “You don’t have to say anything. I know you can’t love me, not even in the way I want you to. You’re a special person, and one that I wish I had for myself…”


* * * * *


My eyes fluttered open, and I realized I was no longer at the beach, though the scent of the salty breeze still lingered.

6:30 p.m.

“Hey!” I heard my fiancée’s little brother call me as he pounded on my bedroom door. “Wake up! A manager from your work called! They said it’s busy and they need help!”

“All right,” I called out groggily. I tossed the comforter aside and reached blindly for the phone. As I dialed the number, I immediately recalled my dream, and how much I wanted to cry. I felt like I betrayed my fiancée, but more importantly, myself. I was never used to having such words said to me and never before have I felt anything so powerful as the truth I heard in everything she said to me.

I barely recall the conversation I had with one of the other managers at work, but I knew that I was going to go in anyway. As I grabbed my towel and headed for the shower, all I could do was mentally berate myself for feeling like I was coerced into what happened in my dream, though a little part of me was starting to think that it felt…right, somehow…


=[ End of Chapter Four ]=

A/N: The next chapter takes a slightly fictional turn, though I'll leave you to ponder what that means. Don't forget to leave a review!