A Desperate Cure

My thanks to those of you who left REVIEWS: (Bless your hearts, you want me to get better!)

MOONSTAR

Posted! ^_^ I already told you most all what I thought already in that email...but I think you deserve a comment. Let's see...I didn't mention much about the wolf, but I think it's interesting the way Martin reacts to it. Has the wolf been Alina's for long? And what exactly is it? You mentioned something about the two merging...so I'm assuming it's a magical beast of some kind? (Not the other kind of merging...please no...T_T). How long has the wolf been a part of their 'team', or is it even really a part of it? Or do I have to wait for those answers...xD

Martin says he loves her...o_O Intriguing. This is platonic love, right? Or is he straight after all...*considers* I'm off to modify, reply, and post my own! Chao!


ah, moonstar, you know answers are so much more satisfying in context. i’ll give you a little bit… but the rest you’ll have to stick around and read for: yes, the wolf is “magical”… but you can’t prove that wolves can’t do that in real life. for all we know, all the wolves are waiting for is someone with a brain specifically attuned to theirs so they can Whisper to them. I refuse to believe these things can’t just happen. And no, i’m not planning on any bestiality. It was just a mental picture Martin had, recognizing how much their personalities are alike. As for platonic love? Yes, Martin’s gay. He has no interest in being anything but gay. Promise. Now that’s a LOT of information to give away without making you read. So no more giveaways!!!

>>>>>

SARAH BRIDGET

The second chapter gave me a brief show of rapid improvement...only for chapter three to hit me in the head with a brick. Learning more about Delia, the children she adopted, the fire; all very much appreciated. Looking over it, I think you just need to realize that when used in the right way, your detail does wonders. For instance, the more information you gave about the chaos in the government, the pressure on her and those like her to adopt, the havoc...all of it added to your storyline. I learned more about your world and your characters, and it made me curious. The truth is though, I wasn't particularly curious about every precious step your Alina made throughout the entire course of her preparation.

When describing the past, your variety is wonderful. The sentences flow and your information fits. As soon as you began talking about Alina, the variety ended. Your first paragraph in her section was twelve sentances and every one but three started with 'she'. The exceptions were 'Alina', 'her', and 'flinging' (not in that order). I did like this sentence though "She stared dully at the square, red numbers, fighting to put 3:27 into some sort of context she could comprehend.", I found it very easy to relate to. ^_~

Your third chapter, as I've mentioned, near bored me to tears. A few, scattered things I found interesting kept me going on several occasions in which I debated simply minimizing and giving up. Sweetheart, if you're gonna tell us every single thing she did on the way from one tedious act to the next...you may as well put little asterisks *here we start the endless description of Alina getting ready* *here we finish* (surely...five pages later?) Of course, some things were important...but tell me what you expect me to remember. I'm not a computer, so you have to go slow and be patient.

I know, from experience (trust me), how hard it is to realize that the fleeting attention spans of your readers just wont't take all that information, and that some wonderful essential tidbits must go. When writing, try looking at it from someone elses perspective. What do you actually want them to remember? If you expect them to remember all about her Turkey carpet, coffee mug, hair pins, paper, pencils, comb....and then later remember all about the silky chremise, wet hair, lacy bra, cheese and crackers, strange sleeping man and oddly added birthday party? My goodness...do you have superhuman readers? If you do I'll gladly quit rambling. ^_~ Oh, and do forgive my winking...I mean to say, agian, don't take it personally. i rarely spend so much time handing out criticism. You should take it as a compliment if you don't already.

Back to a more positive not...Martin is terrific. The way he teases her and trusts her judgement enough to be kept in a car with a wolf...that says something. (Frankly, I can't think of one person I'd get into a car with a wolf for...but maybe I'm just heartless. ;D). I do hope to see more of him. You write better when you're talking about two people and interactions...when you start describing one person working alone...I am convinced you could write a book about how to peel an orange. (A very detailed and beautifully written book...but it'd still be about peeling oranges.)

All in all, however. I'd like to inform you that I do think you're making an effort...and it's showing. Improvement is nothing close to perfection, but then again, perfection is god's buisness. I think you're doing well. I look forward to more. Oh, and I get the impression you're working with Moonstar? Combine your perfect grammar and detail and his creative insanity...and maybe you can come up with some neat balance. I'd love to see the result. Until then, I wait.

Eternity:out.


Oh, Sarah… You have no idea how much worse I was expecting that to be. After your first review, I began ruthlessly slashing, making MAJOR alterations; I was thrilled to know exactly WHAT to change. I knew Alina’s section was going to drive you mad, it fairly drove me crazy, but now it’s over, and we can move on! Thank you so much for reviewing and not just giving up on me (i smile though i realize it was a very real possibility) and for letting me know where to go next. Hope this one’s better! And no more bricks, please!

PS to moonstar: i wouldn’t mind giving Sarah’s idea a try… want to try writing something together? could be fun!!!

>>>>
SEAWIND

An impressive piece of writing showing creative talent, superb writing skills and excellent penwomanship.. !!!

Reading the first chapter, it seemed slow at first but then the pace picked up...It became suspenseful (as all good writers achieve), captured the interest of the reader and had the reader wanting to read on to see what happens next..It had good detailed descriptions which gave a good sense of character...

However, at first I mixed Martin and Harold up.....I thought that they were one and the same, thus I was slightly confused because of the constrasts in his character and when I saw Delia and Harold get married.... But I realized later that it was my mistake....(though I had to reread to sort things out in my mind)

The writing then moves a bit too quickly at times...seems more like a quick summary in places (This may be intentional)....which may have attributed to my mixing up the characters of Martin and Harold...Another confusing moment.....was when it seemed as tho Delia had left Harold....Then it didn't.....and then it did again....

One final note on first chapter: An interesting way to end ... with "Harold decided to become violent"...I thought that an unsual way to end that section... and I'm wondering if it would have been better with "Harold became violent"...as the 'decided' came in the sentence previous...unless it was to add further emphasis...to the fact that it was a 'conscious and deliberate decision' for him to become that way...

When I started reading the part where Alina Trudeau gets introduced into the story, I thought that maybe I was reading a different story...The setting, descriptions seem so very different..As I read on, it seems that it is a different Time Frame...and that the first part of the story was a 'flashback'....I'm not really sure....However I do like how the character of Alina is developed... with lots of good descriptive details...I'm going to keep reading as more of this story unfolds....Overall super job, thus far ... Elizabeth !!!!!

Seawind, thank you so much for your review! I very much appreciate it. I’m sorry for the confusion in the beginning. I had a very specific image in my head of how the story would open. Unfortunately, it was more of a screenplay than a novel or a story in my head, and that led to some odd passages (which i still like, but) which can mislead. Now that i have a better handle on the chapter segments and such, I think it will be less confusing. Thanks again for coming… hope the story keeps you interested!

>>>>



IV.


The right-side passenger door opened hard, the wind forcing the door back on its hinges. Frigid tendrils snaked in through the door in swirls of penetrating cold, and Martin shivered; he wore socks more to match his pants than to warm his ankles. Alina bundled into the car, her hood up and shielding her face from view. The truck pulled away from the curb, swung into traffic. Pre-dawn stillness owned the streets yet; there were few cars on the road. Martin stared good-naturedly at the side of her hooded head. “Not so sunshine-y?”

Alina’s silence spoke volumes. “Well, fine then, don’t talk to me. But your heathen beast is here, and I think he’d like your attention.” Martin continued to fidget, tugging his wool coat collar closer to his neck against the snuffling of the animal.

Alina flipped around immediately, her eyes alight with anticipation. She tended to save her surliness for adults; she was all smiles with children and animals. Martin loved it about her, but smiled ruefully as she tugged the latch of the wolf’s cage free. He squelched a little upsurge of jealousy at the warmth of her greeting. The giant dog was sniffing comfortably into Alina’s neck, blowing puffs of warm air that pushed her hair up over her shoulder and nosed her hood off her head. Alina’s soft-hearted giggle cut right into Martin’s pity party, and he reminded himself that there’d be plenty of affection for him later. Alina looked up at Martin suddenly, only one eye visible over the wolf’s grey head. “You called him wild?”

Martin silently damned the wolf’s mental acuity. “Is he telling tales out of school again?” He sighed, and tried to explain. “I didn’t call him wild out loud, I—“

“You didn’t have to.” Alina’s face was full of reproach, save for a wee twinkle in her eye. “You know he can hear you anyway.”

The wolf had been quite a find for Alina. She was not quick to make friends, ever vigilant and more than a little defensive. Martin was thrilled that she had someone to love; Alina was thrilled that the wolf was technically termed ‘government property’ and was kept in a military kennel along with the K-9 units. The wolf was thrilled that Alina was here—Martin was such a drag. Alina scowled at the wolf. “That’s not nice!” Properly chastened, the wolf dropped his head onto her shoulder and mewed in a decidedly feline manner.

Martin’s eyes met hers. “Is he talking about me, again?” Alina’s giggle seemed to fill the back of the truck, and Martin felt his heart fill with light. “You’re slipping. You’re supposed to be sulking, remember?”

“Well, I am, mostly. But you know Gerad makes me happy.”

“Then I suppose I should thank him?”

“I think you just did.”

“You think?”

“It’s four o’clock in the morning, Martin. Leave me alone.”

Martin smiled gamely. “It’s not four o’clock, Alina.”

The wolf growled low in his throat. Alina didn’t bother to pitch her voice any higher than the wolf’s. “Close enough.”

Martin laughed. “Hey, now, call your dog off. I brought you coffee. That’s supposed to earn me your undying affection.”

Alina looked at him, full in the face. Her eyes narrowed on his, and she laid a hand on the wolf’s head. “That was unlike you.”

Martin squirmed, shifted his weight in his seat. He fiddled with the stitching on the back of his kidskin glove, laid delicately across his thigh. Alina’s worried eyes followed his face, absorbing and weighing. He swallowed, she observed. He could feel the bump of the wolf’s consciousness against his own, a gentle nudge that made him suddenly want to share, and he pushed it away violently. He fixed the wolf with a glare.

He wanted to keep it to himself, liked the feel of the tension in his throat when he didn’t give everything away all at once. He hadn’t sorted his thoughts yet, and it only seemed like he couldn’t get a grip on his emotions and translate them properly into words when the damned wolf was around. Felt like the wolf was hauling the feelings out of him through his pores before he could properly couch them in platitudes and clean them up for the public audience. Couldn’t put on a brave face and pretend things were fine when they weren’t with that brain-leech sitting next to him, sending his thoughts like a megaphone straight to Alina. Yes, she was his best friend. Yes, she was the heart that beat in his chest. He trusted her with everything. But that didn’t mean he trusted the wolf. And there was nothing he could do about it. The wolf only Whispered to Alina. The frustration built in his lungs and compressed the air in his chest until he erupted, his words coming out choked and making him gasp for breath. “You’re pretty damned perceptive without the wolf, you know. You don’t have to suck the thoughts out of my head. I’m perfectly willing to share with you, if you’d just be patient and wait for me to say it. Aloud.”

The harsh sound of Martin’s voice made Alina pull back; she dropped her eyelids to cover her gaze. Instinctively, she stroked the wolf’s head, her forefinger hooking into the depression in the skull behind his left ear, feeling the animal’s energy rise to meet her pulse and keeping him calm. “Early for you, too, huh?”

Martin had surprised himself with the outburst, he’d only meant to make his own statement sound less needy and exposing, and here he’d dropped the veil on a whole new set of issues. He exhaled loudly. “I’m sorry.”

“He can’t hear you if you don’t want him to. Sometimes, I just know things. I’m not always peering into your skull.”

“I know that! I do. Please, just…” He sighed softly, smiled. “Coffee? “ He picked up her cup and held it in two shaking hands, offering it like the sacrifice of a scared peasant to a vengeful god.

She spoke softly, smiled softly. “Thank you.” She looked down at the wolf for a moment, and Gerad nudged her hand with his nose, then turned meekly and went into his cage. She reached a hand back to the swinging door of the cage and closed it, leaving it unlocked. She took the cup from him, stared down at the steam-opaqued plastic lid, and put it down in the cup holder. “I don’t suppose you brought chocolate, too?”

Martin smiled, enjoying her pretense of dependence. “As if you didn’t?”

Alina’s eyes widened, her hands held up in denial. “I didn’t! Honest! It was two o’clock in the morning.”

“It was not two o’clock in the morning.”

“There you go again.”

“Well, it wasn’t!”

“That kind of accuracy must get you lots of friends in the bar.”

Martin looked at her, wounded. “Now, that was unlike you. No, unworthy. It was unworthy of you.”

Alina paused. He was right. He didn’t have few friends because he wanted it that way. He had few friends because it was safer that way. It may have been an enlightened world for women, but for a gay man employed by the government, the ground was full of land mines, and the blindfolds came free. She sighed, lightened her tone, and sued for peace. “You’re probably right. But it’s one o’clock in the morning and we both know you’re going to forgive me, so how about you fork over the chocolate and make nice to the ‘guard dog’?”

Martin smirked. “Maybe there is no chocolate.”

Alina narrowed her eyes playfully. “There better be chocolate!”

“Ah, but this early in the morning, maybe they didn’t have any!”

“Don’t toy with me, Martin. There is chocolate, and you’d better hand it over.”

“Oh, fine!” Martin huffed. “You never play along!”

“Martin, it’s damned early, ok? And I had that dream again, and I didn’t even get to sleep again when the phone rang. I didn’t bring any chocolate, because I didn’t think of it, and I really, really, want to have my coffee and be awake when your mother starts in on whatever plague I’m supposed to rid the earth of by midnight tonight. So please, please can you just give me whatever you’re hiding behind your leg, and let me wake up like a normal person?”

Martin reached one slender hand down to the waxed paper bag on the floor, muttering under his breath, “That’d be a stretch.” Immediately, he looked over his shoulder, self-conscious of the wolf’s Hearing. Alina just stared at him, hand out, waiting for the bag.

“You were the one who said I didn’t need the wolf. I heard you just fine. Give.”

Martin wordlessly handed her the bag, which she snatched quickly, eyes light and lips parted. She bit her lip as she peered down into the bottom of the bag, shaking it a little to see under the bakery napkins. Martin found himself once again captivated by her expressive face. She gave so much of herself to him. In a few minutes, they would pull up at the office, and Alina’s face would close. He knew it was necessary, but still he hated to see the mask slip into place. A sudden squeal brought him back to reality, and he grinned broadly.

“Chocolate bread!! You remembered! Oh, thank you!!” Alina launched across the seat and hugged Martin tight, tucking her head into the side of his neck, her face soft against his freshly-shaven throat. Just as quickly, she resumed her seat, and Martin found himself bereft at the sudden lack of her presence. He sat forward in his seat to avoid the wolf’s excited panting, absorbed from the careless spray of emotion Alina had allowed. Yet another thing he’d miss when she remembered she was on duty.

“It would have been hard to forget, you cooed over it so much.”

“Not as much as you cooed over the baker.”

“He was not the baker! He was the delivery guy. And I did not coo. How unmanly would that be?”

Alina talked around a mouthful of bread. “You cooed. I think he liked you, too. Did you ever talk to him again?”

Martin turned his head away to hide a sudden flush. “No.”

“You did! You talked to him! What did you say? What did he say? Did he like you, too? Was I right? I was right, wasn’t I?! Did—“

“Whoa!” Martin was entertained by the sudden flood of questions. “I’ll tell you everything later. Drink your coffee. We’re almost there, and it will get cold. You know Mother will never let you drink that in her office.”

Alina conceded the point and reached for her coffee. Sitting back in her seat, she brought the coffee to chin level, peeling back the lid and inhaling the steam. Martin sat sideways in his seat to face her, one trouser leg riding high on his calf as he carefully avoided touching the sole of his shoe to the upholstered seat. Alina looked at him sidelong, and deliberately crossed her legs in front of her on the facing seat.

No one ever sat there, anyway; the government only had two options of trucks available for this year, and this was the only one with room enough for the wolf. Alina kept a mental snapshot of Martin’s horrified face for later. She dropped her tongue into the hot liquid, winking at him as she lapped up the first sip. She tucked her lip behind her front teeth, savoring the warm bitterness, and her eyes looked up at him, smiling gratitude. Martin looked down at his own cup of abandoned tea, cold in his hand.

The car rocked as the driver lurched into a spot in the parking lot. Martin looked slightly mournfully at Alina’s face as she suddenly started gulping the steaming coffee. He could see her putting on her game face, and he wished she’d get comfortable with his mother already. It wasn’t like she wouldn’t understand Alina. After all, she had been married for close to two years before Harold had died. Mother had been in several relationships since then, and none of them had been in secret. Martin had liked some of them more than others, but no matter how agreeable or disagreeable her lovers were, not once had she hidden them from her children. Martin’s brother Max had been uncomfortable with Cameron, but then he had had the unfortunate experience of walking in on her when she was in Delia’s bed, and… Martin cut off that train of thought.

All that mattered was Alina’s safety. Delia knew her job well, knew her son better. Alina and Gerad would be fine, as long as Martin had breath in his lungs. And eventually, Alina would become comfortable with herself. Martin just hoped he’d be there to see it happen.


(A/N: ETA Chapter 5 friday 20jan2006)