rate_review Reviews

oooh! i'm glad i kept going! the beginning of this story confused me...but as it goes on your writing just gets better and better! i love martin!!! he's so cute and funny. i hope he gets together with that delivery boy someday...^-~

and you have so much detail! i could never write like that. its tottaly cool thoguh the way you do it. i'm so mad at aff right now...bcause i won't get to see more of your story for so long!!! i hope you update as soon as its fixed. i can't wait to see what happens to martin and alina! and the wolf of course.....and this whole disease thing. i can tell you thought it out so much. i cna't imagine...you must spend so much time and work on it... like...hours and hours. put up more as soon as you can!!!!

o_o I have a bad feeling about that cell-phone...this has to do with the plague thing doesn't it! :gonk: Ok, ok...I'm just guessing now...but really...what happened to Martin? And what was Alina doing? She has magic healing powers? Or is that like...some kind of ancient...I don't know...like the Chinese monks that could stop a heart and stuff...or was that something else...I'm getting off-topic. :gonk: Sorry. ^^; Anyway! It sounds like some sort of magic to me...

All very curious. Especially that fluid. I'm really caught up on the fluid...I think all these little 'insignificant' jobs and tasks are gonna lead up to something...the strange, monotonous seed-planting and substances that no one knows anything about...something is going to happen! It will! I know it! :gonk: But of course something is going to happen...otherwise it wouldn't be a story. :ninja: Anyway! Poor Martin! (And Alina! xD) So did Alina save him...and now only she's unconcious? Can't wait to find out more!

P.S. Sorry it took so long to review. ^^;

-Moonstar

:gonk: So sorry it took so long! My computer is going all bonkers on me. T_T Squee for the chapter though! ^_^ Less of Martin...but your continual add of new characters keeps me thinking. All these young scientists...all this talent...it must go SOMEWHERE...right? ^^; Jake is so the typical guy. -_-' xP ^^; Very well done with him. *nod nod* The mind set was perfect.

No one seems to recognize Alina till they see the wolf...or Martin. Does no one know her? Or am I just interpreting that the wrong way? ^^; Your continued detail on the workings of a gaint office building/workplace/thingamabob still amazes me. I so totally cannot do that. I just don't see places like that...but you make it all work! o_o

Good job. I know this is a really sucky, illiterate review...but I'm trying to get it down while my internet's still up. ^^; (It's crashing so often...making me go nutty. T_T Oh well. Not the place to complain about it.) More! xD I look forward to the next bit! ^_^

-Moonstar

-claps- Ah, absolutley lovely! (Your reply, m'dear, I'll talk about the story in a short bit. ^_~) It's so wonderful to see you have some spite...even if it is 'mannered'. What should I call it...malice with style? Or just a mild touch of cynicism added to your overall accepting and friendly behaviour? Whatever you want to call it, I'm quite glad you don't take everything I say to the point of gloom and doom, hm? Seven point font? Good gracious you do type small. I usually type at a ten. (Twelve is just a bit big, isn't it?) Ah, but enough of that. Onto your story.

Nice to know Dr. Gasteyer has a purpose...along with Jake I'm assuming? I actually enjoy Jake. He seems very...real...to me, acting much as the men I know tend to. He has a very...mm...typical? Male mind set-up. Quite nice. I'm seeing Delia's tendancy to pick up all these brilliant, widely spread and completely unknown young scientists from various backgrounds...and putting them all to work on meaningless, tedious tasks? I look forward to see where you lead it off to.

Martin continues to bring a smile (or at least part of one) to my face. His trick with the keys was well done, showed how well Alina truly knows him. (And another small tid-bit on the delivery boy, hm?) The thing that really intrigues me about Martin though, is not his playful attitude per say (though that part is enjoyable), but the fact that when it comes to actual relationships (besides Alina), he's so much more inclined to hide than come out. Very curious. I look forward to learning more about him.

Your tastefully biting reply, along with a very enjoyable update, I believe has certainly earned you praise. Your writing has improved dramatically since I first started reading your work, and there was honestly not a single part I felt even remotely tempted to skip over. (But don't think I won't tell you if there is one in the future.) I'm perfectly honest with you, and I appreciate that you had the gall to return the favor. Feel free to tell me when my comments annoy you; I'm not easily offended. (If you hadn't already guessed.)

In sum up, good chapter, I actually preferred the last one (even if my review came out less friendly). Both were well done, but the last had a greater number of those rare moments that make me want to laugh. I appreciate that in a piece of writing. (Oh, here's something I plan never to do again. Only for you, savor it for all time.) My ridiculously mainstream comment: Keep up the good work! ^_~

~Sarah

Quite nice. Dr. Stephen Gasteyer’s purpose eludes me, but perhaps you plan to use him later? You have a tendency to add extreme detail into the lives of minor characters…but then again, I may just be critical. ^_~ The passage beginning with “The offices of Brack, Dever, Poole, and Manhalter…” Started off with a nice description of this “Reitz” building you have created. Somewhere in the second paragraph, I began loosing interest the exact details of the forgotten servant corridors, and by the time I got to the last paragraph, I read about five words in the lot of it. I caught mini-skirted lawyer. I do hope you didn’t put something terribly important in there?

Other than that, you’re most definitely improving, and as hard as it is to admit, your fruity fanboy *throws pom poms at him* does have the occasional good point. Your writing is becoming less wordy…at least when you have a couple characters to work with. Once you get on a roll with a single character, or physical descriptions though...a bulldozer couldn’t stop you.

As a side note, Martin amuses me to no end. (Another point I find myself begrudgedly agreeing with your personal cheerleader…you should put him in a skirt someday…) Compared to the endless paragraphs of block format detail…you add in him in and liven the whole place up. Terrific character, sweetheart (and such a lovely contrast for Alina, no?). Not that anything with a cup-size would ever catch his interest…

~Sarah

Yay! You update! I absolutely LOVE Martin! He's hilarious! And he makes me laugh left and right...xDD He just can't get over it. *squee!* =^.^=

"Martin Caldwell would not be caught dead in trousers and boots." xDD He's perfect I swear! His curtsying, disecting of the dress-code to find acceptable clothes...^-^ So much happiness. You've got his character down to an art.

Anyways...the chapter was awesome too. Not to wordy, some dialogue again (yay!). Nice mix! I envy your imagination on the exact details of this building...goodness gracious...that's the thing I couldn't do if my life depended on it........well...maybe then...but other than that! :gonk: *not a mechanical/building/detail related person* xP ^^;

Waiting eagerly for the next chapter!

-Moonstar

Better.

*squee!* This is my favorite chapter yet! It makes me all warm and bubbly inside! Finally, it's the kind of chapter that I rushed through from beggining to end just to find out what happens...and then it was over! :gonk: This part "he wore socks more to match his pants than to warm his ankles", made me giggle. I absolutely loved Alina and her great passion for chocolate...how she was glaring at him with her playfully threatening tone when he teased about not having any...it was awesome. xD So many parts I like in this one.

None of the descriptions were too wordy...and they flowed and made me happy. I learned bunches about Alina and Martin's 'relationship'...plus the wolf of course. =^.^= Next chapter! *bounce* But wait...you already have it written! xD Now the debate...do I beg you for the next bit...or torture myself so I get the giant bubbly happiness when I finally get to read the next part...:ninja: *chuckle*

Definitely my favorite update...make more like it! *grin* Till then...chao! (*evil laughter*) xD

-Moonstar

An impressive piece of writing showing creative talent, superb writing skills and excellent penwomanship.. !!!

Reading the first chapter, it seemed slow at first but then the pace picked up...It became suspenseful (as all good writers achieve), captured the interest of the reader and had the reader wanting to read on to see what happens next..It had good detailed descriptions which gave a good sense of character...

However, at first I mixed Martin and Harold up.....I thought that they were one and the same, thus I was slightly confused because of the constrasts in his character and when I saw Delia and Harold get married.... But I realized later that it was my mistake....(though I had to reread to sort things out in my mind)

The writing then moves a bit too quickly at times...seems more like a quick summary in places (This may be intentional)....which may have attributed to my mixing up the characters of Martin and Harold...Another confusing moment.....was when it seemed as tho Delia had left Harold....Then it didn't.....and then it did again....

One final note on first chapter: An interesting way to end ... with "Harold decided to become violent"...I thought that an unsual way to end that section... and I'm wondering if it would have been better with "Harold became violent"...as the 'decided' came in the sentence previous...unless it was to add further emphasis...to the fact that it was a 'conscious and deliberate decision' for him to become that way...

When I started reading the part where Alina Trudeau gets introduced into the story, I thought that maybe I was reading a different story...The setting, descriptions seem so very different..As I read on, it seems that it is a different Time Frame...and that the first part of the story was a 'flashback'....I'm not really sure....However I do like how the character of Alina is developed... with lots of good descriptive details...I'm going to keep reading as more of this story unfolds....Overall super job, thus far ... Elizabeth !!!!!

The second chapter gave me a brief show of rapid improvement...only for chapter three to hit me in the head with a brick. Learning more about Delia, the children she adopted, the fire; all very much appreciated. Looking over it, I think you just need to realize that when used in the right way, your detail does wonders. For instance, the more information you gave about the chaos in the government, the pressure on her and those like her to adopt, the havoc...all of it added to your storyline. I learned more about your world and your characters, and it made me curious. The truth is though, I wasn't particularly curious about every precious step your Alina made throughout the entire course of her preparation.

When describing the past, your variety is wonderful. The sentences flow and your information fits. As soon as you began talking about Alina, the variety ended. Your first paragraph in her section was twelve sentances and every one but three started with 'she'. The exceptions were 'Alina', 'her', and 'flinging' (not in that order). I did like this sentence though "She stared dully at the square, red numbers, fighting to put 3:27 into some sort of context she could comprehend.", I found it very easy to relate to. ^_~

Your third chapter, as I've mentioned, near bored me to tears. A few, scattered things I found interesting kept me going on several occasions in which I debated simply minimizing and giving up. Sweetheart, if you're gonna tell us every single thing she did on the way from one tedious act to the next...you may as well put little asterisks *here we start the endless description of Alina getting ready* *here we finish* (surely...five pages later?) Of course, some things were important...but tell me what you expect me to remember. I'm not a computer, so you have to go slow and be patient.

I know, from experience (trust me), how hard it is to realize that the fleeting attention spans of your readers just wont't take all that information, and that some wonderful essential tidbits must go. When writing, try looking at it from someone elses perspective. What do you actually want them to remember? If you expect them to remember all about her Turkey carpet, coffee mug, hair pins, paper, pencils, comb....and then later remember all about the silky chremise, wet hair, lacy bra, cheese and crackers, strange sleeping man and oddly added birthday party? My goodness...do you have superhuman readers? If you do I'll gladly quit rambling. ^_~ Oh, and do forgive my winking...I mean to say, agian, don't take it personally. i rarely spend so much time handing out criticism. You should take it as a compliment if you don't already.

Back to a more positive not...Martin is terrific. The way he teases her and trusts her judgement enough to be kept in a car with a wolf...that says something. (Frankly, I can't think of one person I'd get into a car with a wolf for...but maybe I'm just heartless. ;D). I do hope to see more of him. You write better when you're talking about two people and interactions...when you start describing one person working alone...I am convinced you could write a book about how to peel an orange. (A very detailed and beautifully written book...but it'd still be about peeling oranges.)

All in all, however. I'd like to inform you that I do think you're making an effort...and it's showing. Improvement is nothing close to perfection, but then again, perfection is god's buisness. I think you're doing well. I look forward to more. Oh, and I get the impression you're working with Moonstar? Combine your perfect grammar and detail and his creative insanity...and maybe you can come up with some neat balance. I'd love to see the result. Until then, I wait.

Eternity:out.