Take Me From This Pain, Kevin's story

When Lee and Ryan stepped into the dorm room later that night, Ryan quickly shut the door and locked it before turning to his boyfriend. Lee knew something was up so he hadn’t turned around. He’d just frozen in his tracks, his back to Ryan, afraid to move. Would this be a good conversation or a bad one? Danny had given him a reassuring look before everything changed. Would Ryan do the same? The smaller boy struggled to hold his trembling in check and prepared himself for the worst.

“You shaking, baby?” Ryan purred as he encircled Lee’s waist from behind. “You need me to warm you up?”

“N-no,” Lee answered warily, leaning into the taller boy’s warmth and hoping it wouldn’t be for the last time.

“What’s wrong?”

Lee mutely shook his head.

“Lee Lee?”

The nickname. Ryan wouldn’t use it just before he broke Lee’s heart, would he? It was all so confusing for the smaller boy. This was only his second relationship and he didn’t know what to expect.

“Baby, we need to talk,” Ryan began carefully.

Lee’s stomach about dropped out of his body just then. Talking was bad. Talking meant a reality check and Lee wasn’t ready for that yet. ‘No!’ he silently screamed, yet he slowly turned to his boyfriend, trying desperately to keep a neutral look on his face.

‘Why does he look like he’s resigned to something?’ Ryan thought suddenly. ‘Oh, shit! I hope I’m not too late! Please don’t let him have found someone else!’

“Okay,” Lee said in a monotone. “Should we sit down?”

‘Just do it!’ Ryan ordered himself. He grabbed Lee’s face between his hands and pulled him close, kissing him soundly before pulling back.

“U-um?”

“I love you, Lee,” Ryan interrupted. “I’m such an ass for letting you go so long without knowing that. I thought you’d known from our kisses, but now I can see I was wrong.”

Lee stared at him for a long moment, unable to make it past the first statement. “You love me?” he asked tentatively, afraid he was dreaming.

“God, yes! I’m so sorry I left it hanging like that, baby,” Ryan pulled Lee into a tight embrace and buried his nose in the smaller boy’s hair. “I just thought, well, you seemed so embarrassed on Valentine’s Day, that I didn’t want to push you. I thought you’d want to talk about it eventually.”

Lee began to tremble again as he slowly wrapped his arms around Ryan’s neck. He loved him? Was he sure? Was this a dream?

“I was afraid you’d leave me,” Lee admitted softly. “That’s why I never bring it up. I’m afraid one day you’ll tell me you’re going back to girls.”

Ryan cringed as he heard the hitch in Lee’s voice. He knew Kevin was dead-on right about Lee. That the boy was waiting for things to end because he didn’t believe that Ryan loved him, or could love him, apparently.

“I keep telling you, I’m not Danny,” he sighed patiently. “And I’m not going back to girls.”

“But you’re bi,” Lee said trying to pull out of Ryan’s arms to looked at him. The larger boy held him in place easily, nuzzling his neck as he did so.

“Lee, I’ve never loved anyone before. I’ve never told any of my past girlfriends that I loved them because I don’t lie about things like that. It’s too important.”

Ryan pulled back and looked down into Lee’s teary turquoise gaze.

“When I tell you I love you, keep that in mind,” he smiled. “And keep in mind that I don’t think I ever could love someone like I love you. No girl has caught my attention since you and I won’t leave you.”

Lee’s lower lip began to waver as a tear slid down his cheek. He stared at Ryan long and hard as he tried to gauge the truth of the words he was told. Ryan’s dark eyes held only sincerity, and it thrilled and scared Lee at the same time. The tears gave way to a torrent as he threw himself back into Ryan’s embrace and cried in earnest, letting out all of the pain and panic he’d been holding in.

“I’m s-sorry,” he choked out between gasps.

“What’s there to be sorry about?”

“I’m n-not very strong, am I?”

Ryan chuckled softly as he guided Lee to the bed and sat them both down on the side. He pulled a tissue out of the box on the table next to the bed and wiped his love’s eyes before getting another for Lee to blow his nose.

“You’re one of the strongest people I know,” he said while Lee blew.

The smaller boy snorted in reply.

“I mean it,” Ryan said raising one dark eyebrow. “You endured a breakup with your best friend and stayed at the same school until you graduated, not even retaliating against him by outing him after he kept you closeted with him for months. Then you came here and decided to take a chance on love again, even though you still had the sting left in you from the last time. Then, when you found out your new boyfriend was bi, which was, I can only assume, the farthest thing from what you wanted, you still didn’t dump me. You had every reason to, especially since I’m so dense I didn’t even realize you were waiting for me to either love you or leave you. And I love you, Lee Lee. I really love you. Please don’t doubt that.”

Lee looked back to Ryan and smiled softly. He couldn’t believe things were turning out so well with him. Here he’d been thinking that Ryan was just biding his time until a more suitable relationship came along, when he hits him with this. And he could see that Ryan was being absolutely sincere when he said he loved him. He could see it all in those dark eyes. Ryan never hid his intentions. He was so far from Danny that Lee finally began to relax.

“I don’t doubt you,” he whispered and Ryan flashed him a relieved smile before leaning in and capturing his lips in a soft and tender kiss that melted away any other reservations Lee had been entertaining.

“Let me show you anyway,” the dark-haired boy purred back. “I want to make love to you.”

Turquoise eyes shot open in surprise.

“Let me show you how much I need you,” Ryan added as he kissed Lee’s neck. “God, I need you, baby.”

“Physically?” Lee finally found his voice, and it was hoarse with a new fear.

But Ryan wasn’t so thick this time, and he picked right up on it.

“Not just physically,” he replied. “It’s like a connection to you.” He sighed as he searched for the words to explain it. “It’s like the final connection I haven’t made yet. The one that will bond me with you.”

“A bond?” Lee sounded skeptical. He hadn’t even really had intercourse with Danny. They’d tried a few times, but Danny was rough and Lee couldn’t get past the preparation stage. He doubted Ryan knew that or even suspected what he was asking. He was sure the larger boy had been with lots of girls before. Sex was probably as natural as eating.

“Mmm hmm. A connection.”

Lee swallowed and looked down. “I guess it’s probably been a while since you’ve been, um, connected with someone, then?”

Ryan drew Lee’s gaze back up to his and kissed his nose.

“You’ll be the first.”

Lee rolled his eyes. ‘Big deal,’ he thought morosely. ‘I figured I’d be your first guy.’

“I don’t think you quite understand,” Ryan frowned as his cheeks reddened. “I mean you’ll actually be the first. As in The First.”

Lee’s eyes widened again. No, that couldn’t be right. But Ryan only nodded slowly in response to his questioning glance.

“B-but you dated a lot,” he stammered out.

Ryan shrugged.

“But you were POPULAR!” Lee spat the word out like it was a crime.

“But it didn’t ever feel right,” Ryan shrugged again. “Most of the ‘popular’ girls are pretty superficial.”

“You don’t say,” Lee smirked.

“And, contrary to popular belief,” Ryan grinned at his own pun, “not all guys will overlook that just to get sex.”

“Really?” Lee sounded playfully skeptical again.

“Really,” the dark-haired boy affirmed. “The only one with a brain was my friend Sherry. But she was dating my best friend when I met her. Call me old fashioned, but that made her permanently off limits after that. And now that we’re in college, where real girls and boys become real men and women, I’m happily taken by you.”

“Happily?”

“Ecstatically. Now do you understand?”

Lee nodded. “But I’m still not ready for that yet,” he looked down. “It’s not you. It’s just . . .” he trailed off.

“Just?” Ryan prompted gently.

“Just that I’m a virgin, too,” Lee sighed, feeling the heat in his own cheeks.

“But Danny?” Ryan pulled his gaze back up again.

“Never was able to be gentle enough to get inside me,” Lee whispered.

“And he was never willing to let you, was he?”

“H-how did you know?”

Ryan shrugged. “Well, I’ll wait however long you need me to,” he said with a loving smile. “And if you decide you’d like to . . . I think they call it topping . . . if you want to start with you topping, I’d be happy with that, too. Whatever you want, Lee Lee. I just want to make you happy.”

Lee’s heart felt like it wanted to burst from his chest. He suddenly pulled Ryan into a vise-like embrace and lay back on the bed with him.

“You’d do that for me?”

“There isn’t much I wouldn’t do,” Ryan laughed.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Lee sighed. “Now cuddle with me!”

“I love you, baby.”

“I love you, too, Ryan.”