Confessions

Instead of crossing the plaza and eating at the Beef Hut, Kevin decided we were going to go grocery shopping and make dinner at home. In all actuality, however, I think he just wanted out of the shop. I had enough good sense not to call him on it, though. Point for me.

As we entered the mega-store, Kevin grabbed a cart and disappeared around the corner. I tried to stay on his heels, but man, that man was quick. Especially with a cart. When I did find him, he was half way down the bath products aisle, head bent as if he were deeply considering the ingredients on the bottle of shampoo he was holding. I stood there, at my end of the aisle, watching him. He had left the top three buttons on his red and white striped dress shirt open, but he had tucked it into the top of his jeans and rolled his sleeves up to his elbows. Finally, deciding I couldn't stand there forever, and tired of the cat calls from the teenage boys flocked around the soda machine, I moved down the aisle to him, grabbing the bottle and chucking it into the cart.

Looking up at me, he smiled softly. "Want to push?" He moved before I ever answered him.

Pushing the cart along beside him as he moved along the aisles, listening the the background sounds of the other patrons, I thought hard about my next words to him. I knew it was a long time coming but that it had to be done. If I didn't do it soon, I'd loose my nerve and never tell him. As I opened my mouth to speak, he broke the silence first.

"You know... I've been thinking. With Carin gone now, I won't be able to make enough on my own for us to keep the apartment..." He glanced at me as he spoke, weighing my reaction.

My turn to smile softly, I stopped pushing the cart. "Dad... What are you trying to say?"

To that, he turned to study a box of noodles. "I'm just saying... If we want to keep the apartment... You're going to have to get a job now." He decided he didn't like those noodles and bent to look at the ones on the next shelf down.

I had to laugh at his concern. I reached out to poke him in the ribs; an old gesture between us. "You silly man. I've been working for the past two years. Where do you think the extra money has been coming from? You don't actually think Carin was contributing, do you?"

He turned to me, blinking in surprise. His reply was stammered and drawn out. "Well, I... I... uh... well, huh. I guess... I never really thought about it..."

I started pushing the cart again, glancing at the items on the shelves as we moved comfortably down the aisle. I was glad he knew I was the one keeping us afloat all this time, and not that two-timing back-stabbing whore he was unfortunate enough to be married to. I didn't want her leaving to affect our living arrangements in any way.

As we walked, I continued to think, trying to screw my courage back up to broach the subject again. We were out of the dry foods and into the produce before I was able to manage it. We had already amassed a quarter cart full of things we didn't need when I finally broke the comfortable silence once more.

"Um... Dad... I need to, uh... I need to talk to you about something. Something really important." I glanced down into our cart, not wanting to see the worry I knew would be painted all over his face. I couldn't believe I was finally going to tell him. That he would finally know. I was so worried about how he would react, and how this would change our relationship. Because it would. Forever. We'd never be able to go back to what we had after this, and it was my fault. I just prayed it would pan out well...

After walking another twenty feet in silence, he put a hand on the cart to halt it. Taking his other hand, fingers crooked to cradle my chin, he lifted my face until our eyes met. I looked away first. Moving his head to pull my gaze back to his, he offered me a small smile. "It's going to be okay. We'll take care of each other. It's what we do, right?"

I nodded, exhasperated that he thought I was still talking about Carin. I didn't care about her. I never had. I had known she was hurting Kevin all along, but I couldn't prove it. The fact that we happened to walk out of the apartment and catch them kissing was the only way we knew for certain. And now, I was on the verge of telling him my deepest, darkest secrets, and he thought I was concerned about her. I wanted to shake him, make him understand. Make him forget about the pain she'd stabbed into him, only to leave me, and my two little brothers, adopted though I was, to clean up her mess.

I looked at him long and hard after nodding. "It's not about that," I said, barely above a whisper. I was glad I was pushing the cart, as it was the only thing keeping my knees from buckling out from under me.

Looking a bit confused, he tilted his head to the side. "What's the matter, then? Everything's alright, right? I mean... You're not going to leave now that Carin's gone, are you? I don't want you to feel awkward with it just being us now..."

I wanted to leap into his arms and tell him how happy I was that she was finally gone. That I wouldn't leave him for all the money in all the world. I wasn't planning on going anywhere... Unless he made me. Instead, all I managed was a weak, "We'll talk about it when we get home, okay?"

To this, he reluctantly stepped back from me, scanning the section we were in, reaching out and grabbing two tomatoes bigger than his fists, giving them a gentle squeeze. I looked at the contents of our cart again and realized what all this stuff was for. Kevin was going to make our favorite dish for dinner. I found that a bit odd, considering the circumstances, but I was elated all the same. No one made lasagna quite like Kevin.

After putting a few more things in the cart, we finally headed toward the register, electricity jumping in the air between us. Something big was about to happen, and we both knew it, though I'm sure he had no idea what. As we unloaded our things onto the conveyer belt, a few more guys started making eyes and whistling at me. I recognized them as belonging to the gang I had recently helped bust up. I didn't want to tell Kevin my job was so dangerous, but I wasn't sure how to keep it from him if I was going to be taunted by the remainders of the gangs I helped to disband. He glared in their direction, assuming, I'm sure, that they were just being rowdy, obnoxious twits, trying to egg me on.

Outside, he kept watching to make sure none of the delinquents were following us to our car. He had suddenly become very protective over me. It wasn't something I was accustomed to. Granted, as close as we were, we didn't take guff when the other was concerned, but the way he was acting now was beyond that. He was acting more like... Like he was jealous. The idea made a small smile curve the corner of my lips, and thankfully, he didn't catch it as we loaded up the car. Taking the cart back to the return, he jogged back over and climbed into the passenger side, buckling up.

Once we had lugged all our groceries up the stairs and into our apartment, Danny came out of his hiding place. I knew this would happen. He, at twelve, did his best to keep out of the way of any kind of work. Including unloading groceries. He peered around like he was surprised we had brought things in with us, knowing full well we had had to make three trips to get it all inside. Poking into the bags one by one, looking for anything he could possibly misconstrew as being soley for him, he could feel the tension in the air. His posture spoke volumes of what he was feeling. After deciding nothing was for him, he turned to Kevin. "Dad, can I go over to Brian's house? His mom said it was okay if it was alright with you."

Kevin first looked at his oldest son, then at me, and then at all the groceries I had started dutifully putting away. Considering it, he finally relented. "Yeah, sure. Go have fun."

Danny let out a whoop of joy and bolted for the door, snagging his jacket as he passed it. Slamming the door, though there was no need to, he poked his head back in a moment later. "Uh... What time do you want me home?"

Standing there, a box of noodles in his hand, Kevin considered it, again taking in me, the kitchen of food, and the rest of the empty house. "Uh... You can spend the night, if it's alright with Brian's family. If you can't, I want you home by eight."

Glancing at the clock, Danny realized that even if he couldn't spend the night, that still gave him better than four hours. He smiled at Kevin and his words filtered through the crack in the door as he closed it. "I'll call and let you know, Dad." With the stomping of his feet as he bounded down the stairs, Kevin and I were alone, Carin having taken Jacob, my five year old youngest adopted brother, with her when she had left.