Noticed

Time moved so quickly for Kirsten, she was shocked. While she felt like it was only yesterday that she had started college, she was now sitting in her dorm with Nina and five or six other students, studying for midterms.

Some of how that time passed so quickly by her seemed clear. Kirsten smiled a little to herself as she thought of late nights talking nonstop with Nina in the dorm, the lights out but both people too excited by the new experiences going on around them to sleep. She also thought of Patch, of the two of them having coffee, or grabbing lunch, or just sitting together on the wide green lawn outside the University Center, talking about Berkeley and their families, and childhood, which also seemed not-so-long-ago.

But the reason Kirsten had a hard time believing how quickly the past two months had flown by was the person sitting to her right. The study group for her English midterm consisted of Nina and Hunter, cuddled up together in the corner as they usually were now; two other female students, both of whom were friendly and sweet; a friend of Hunter’s who had a hard time understanding the most basic concepts being taught to them; and Him.

Derek. He was the reason Kirsten couldn’t believe that time had moved so quickly, because every time she thought of him, time seemed to come to a complete stop.

Whether it was when she thought of that night at the beginning of the semester, when he had kissed her at the club; or the next week when he had surprised her by showing up at her dorm room late one night, smelling just slightly of scotch and offering a single red rose and a chaste kiss without a word before leaving; or the many times other times he paid attention to her, or ignored her, or flirted, or spoke with a friendly grin, or kissed her passionately at this party or that club, or patted her shoulder like an older brother after class or when running into her on campus.

Glancing over nervously from the corner of her eye and praying not to be caught, Kirsten took in Derek’s perfect profile as she watched him reading through his notes. She had never met anyone like him – so beautiful, so confident, so confusing. Aside from being gorgeous, he had proven several times in class that he was also very intelligent. He was also funny when he was around a crowd, unconsciously cracking jokes and teasing those around him.

But Kirsten knew there was something about Derek she just couldn’t quite grasp. He could obviously have almost any woman on campus that he wanted, but he still pursued Kirsten at times, with a visit or a call or a small gift. Between those rare moments of compliment, though, he put Kirsten through excruciating frustration. He would go a week or more without even saying hello, or flirt openly with other girls in front of her. Kirsten didn’t know what he wanted her to do in response – get mad? ignore him? throw herself at him? – but this was the reason she was truly surprised by how quickly the last two months went by.

Because, when it came to Derek, Kirsten sometimes felt like she was holding her breath for hours, when she knew in reality only a few short seconds were passing.

“I’m starving,” Nina shut her book with a loud thud and looked around the room expectantly. “I say that if we expect to get anymore studying done tonight, we’re going to all have to take a break and get some pizza. I vote Uncle Vinny’s – they make the best thin-crust in town. Anyone else with me?”

With sighs of relief, the other people in the dorm room closed their books as well and nodded towards Nina. Kirsten pulled her eyes away from Derek as quickly as possible when he looked up to hear everyone’s response, but from the smirk on his face, she could tell she had taken a second too long; he knew she had been staring at him again.

“Will you bring us back a couple slices?” Derek called out to Hunter, who was rising from the floor alongside Nina and the other students. Looking over at Kirsten, who wouldn’t meet his eyes, Derek grinned a little wider before turning his gaze back over towards his friend. “I think I need Kirsten to explain how to write procedure and specifications to me again.” Seeing Nina’s eyes looking at him untrustingly, Derek shrugged and continued. “What? We all know she’s the smartest girl in the class. And I don’t think she’ll mind helping me. Will you, Kirsten?”

Hating herself for always feeling so at a loss for words around him, Kirsten looked shyly at Derek for a moment before speaking. “I’m happy to stay and help you study,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady.

Although Nina was rolling her eyes at Kirsten’s response, this seemed fine with everyone else in the room and they started heading out the door. “We’ll be back in thirty minutes,” Nina said in a hard voice, looking between Derek and Kirsten. “Or less…”

“Thirty minutes or less,” Hunter repeated as he walked beside Nina, but his voice was soft and joking. “Or the pizza is free!” He immediately saw the look Nina gave him, but ignored it. “See you guys soon.”

As soon as the door to the dorm room shut behind Nina and Hunter, Kirsten moved her eyes over to meet Derek’s steady grey stare. “Do you really need help studying?” she forced herself to ask, feeling her hands shaking with nervousness and hearing her voice quivering slightly, but hoping she appeared calm enough to fool Derek.

Chuckling, Derek didn’t respond. Instead, he stood up and stretched his arms over his head, causing his shirt to raise momentarily to show his flat, muscular, tight stomach. Kirsten couldn’t help but stare at it, but as quickly as it appeared, it disappeared. Slowly moving her eyes up Derek’s form, she stopped when she saw his cocky grin, closing her eyes and willing herself to stop being such a loser around him.

“Hey,” Derek’s voice forced Kirsten to open her eyes and look at him again. He was sitting now, on her bed, and motioned for her to take a seat next to him. Slowly, Kirsten rose from the floor and did as he silently asked. She held in her breath as he pushed her hair over her shoulder, letting his hand then run down her arm and back up.

“No,” Derek said finally.

Feeling goosebumps all over her skin, Kirsten had no idea what Derek was talking about. “No what?” she asked in confusion, feeling her face flush more as he traced his fingers over the side of her throat.

Moving closer to Kirsten, Derek took her face in both his hands and kissed her lips softly. “No, I don’t really need you to help me study,” he smirked as he looked into her eyes. “I just wanted some time alone with you. Is that okay?”

Swallowing hard, Kirsten could only nod. When she did, she saw the corners of Derek’s full mouth curve up knowingly, and he nodded in response. “Good,” he murmured as he gently pulled her face towards his own.

Kirsten allowed her eyes to flutter closed as her head tilted, and as soon as she felt Derek’s lips touch her, she felt like she was melting. Although she had dated in high school, and made out with several boys back then, none had ever affected Kirsten the way Derek did. Just a glance or smile could make her body temperature rise; whenever she had him this close, touching her, kissing her, pulling her body closer – Kirsten had never experienced feelings like this before.

Derek kept Kirsten’s face in his hands as his lips pressed against hers, moving slowly. When he finally reached the tip of his tongue out to trace over the curve of her lower lip, Kirsten involuntarily let out a soft sigh that parted her own lips. Derek took advantage of the moment, sliding his tongue into her mouth at the same moment he slid one hand into her hair.

Without thinking, Kirsten reached over and placed her hands on Derek’s hips as his tongue slid against hers. He moved with such a leisurely pace as he kissed her, she felt like crying in frustration. But a moment later, she felt things move at a dizzying pace as Derek pressed her body back and covered it with his own.

Suddenly, Derek’s soft, slow kisses became deeper, faster, more passionate. Kirsten was on her back, her hands sliding over the tight muscles of his sides. One hand was still buried in Kirsten’s hair as Derek let the other slide down over the front of her t-shirt, exploring the curve of her breast. All the while, he kissed her knowingly, his lips, teeth and tongue causing her to become lightheaded and overheated.

As Derek’s hand slid underneath the hem of Kirsten’s shirt and up over her stomach, she jumped a little but did not stop him. His fingers expertly kneaded her breast as his mouth pulled away from hers to kiss her neck. Kirsten closed her eyes and ran her hands over Derek’s back as she felt his fingers dart below the thin silk of her bra and his hips buck against her thighs.

Prior to this, Kirsten had only had stolen moments with Derek, in dark corners of clubs or parties. Feeling him touching her this intimately, pressing the hardness beneath his jeans against the heat between her legs, made her face flush. His teeth were biting gently at the sensitive skin below her earlobe, soft moans escaping his lips here and there. Kirsten didn’t know what he thought of her at this moment, or how she was supposed to be reacting, but her head was so clouded with desire she just decided to stop thinking entirely.

Suddenly, Derek’s hand removed itself from bra, slid back down over her stomach, and reached for the button on her pants. “Derek,” Kirsten jumped at the contact, her head clearing suddenly. “Don’t,” she said with embarrassment evident. “I mean… everyone will be back soon.”

Sliding to Kirsten’s side and leaning up on his elbow, Derek smirked at Kirsten but kept upbuttoning and then unzipping her pants. “I’m not doing anything that can’t be finished quickly,” he told her, his voice deep and warm, his fingers sliding over the silkiness of her underwear and making her jump once again.

“Derek-”

“Sshhh…” Derek hushed Kirsten, kissing her lips softly to cut off her protests as his hand quickly slid beneath her panties. “Well, someone is turned on,” he whispered with cockiness as his fingers pressed gently over Kirsten’s lips.

Turning her head to the side so she wasn’t facing him, Kirsten had never felt so embarrassed. There was no way to hide her desire for Derek as his hand pressed against her in ways that made her let out a soft moan.

“That’s it,” Derek voice was as smooth as velvet, and he ignored Kirsten’s embarrassment as he continued. His lips pressed against the side of her throat teasingly before moving towards her ear to whisper. “No one has ever done this to you before, have they?” he asked, obviously already knowing the answer as two fingers spread her lips open and a third ran over her clit.

Kirsten wanted so badly for Derek to like her, to notice her above other girls; and he was doing something that had to be solely for her; still, her eyes were filling with tears and she couldn’t understand why. “No,” she admitted softy, turning her face finally to meet Derek’s eyes. “No one has.”

Smiling at this, Derek kissed Kirsten softly and looked into her eyes. “Good,” he said. “I want to do this to you first.”

Before Kirsten could respond, Derek plunged a finger inside her and she let out a groan, her eyes closing at the same time. His finger slid in and out of her a few times, giving her a moment to adjust to the intrusion and settle down just in time to feel a second finger slide in.

“Oh, God,” Kirsten murmured, her head swimming, unsure of how to stop her words from flowing.

“That’s it,” Derek sounded very pleased with himself as he continued to move within Kirsten. “Don’t fight it, Kirsten. It feels good; you know it does.”

Biting her lip and pressing her eyes even more tightly closed, Kirsten hated to admit that Derek was right. It had felt odd at first, embarrassing and intrusive, when he first pressed his fingers inside her. Now, though, her hips were beginning to reach up to meet the slow thrusts of his hand.

“That’s a girl,” Derek’s words were now only in the background of Kirsten’s mind as she felt her body building up an ache. “Here, this might hurt for a second, but it’ll feel good soon.” Before Kirsten could question what Derek meant, she felt him plunge a third finger inside her and she let out a soft cry that was quickly smothered by his kiss.

Derek was right, this did hurt. It stretched and pulled at Kirsten. But he was also right that a minute later, her body had adjusted to him and she was now squirming her hips beneath his hand, fingers moving in and out of her and his thumb pressing at her clit. Kirsten felt like she was rapidly developing a fever as Derek kept at her, and her head grew heavy as an ache formed in her lower stomach. Suddenly, just as the ache felt like it was too much to bear, a shock of pleasure appeared between her thighs, causing her to call out loudly. Slowly, the wave moved over her body for almost a minute until finally it subsided, leaving her shaking and spent.

By the time Kirsten was able to open her eyes, Derek had already risen from the bed and was heading towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Kirsten asked as she rose quickly, humiliated at how desperate her voice sounded. She zipped and buttoned her pants before continuing. “I mean, are you leaving?”

“I’m just going to the bathroom,” Derek smirked at Kirsten. “To wash my hands before the pizza gets here.”

Turning bright red, Kirsten didn’t have time to respond before Derek chuckled and left the room. Rising from her bed, she walked over towards the mirror on the back of the closet door and looked at herself, straightening her clothes and patting down her hair. Her face was flushed and her eyes were glassy, and she tried to figure out what exactly had just happened when she heard the door open.

“Hey,” Hunter entered the room first, followed by a suspicious-looking Nina. “We got you guys pepperoni,” he continued, seemingly unaware of Kirsten’s embarrassment and discomfort. “Hope that’s okay.”

While Hunter seemed completely clueless, it only took a moment for Nina to glance at Kirsten, then her disheveled bed, and then back to Kirsten. Her eyes slit. “Where’s Derek?” she asked, her voice accusatory.

“I was going to the bathroom,” Derek returned to the room at that moment, followed by the rest of their studymates. “”Kirsten and I just finished up. I think I understand things a lot better now. So how about we all tackle the next chapter?”

Kirsten knew that Nina wasn’t convinced that things were okay, and in truth, neither was Kirsten. After all, ten minutes ago she had just experienced both the most intimate moment she had ever shared with a guy and her first orgasm. Now, Derek was sitting on the floor eating pepperoni pizza and talking about style guides as if nothing had happened.

Not knowing if she wanted to laugh or cry, Kirsten excused herself to the bathroom. Splashing her face with water, she tried to get a hold of her emotions, but it was hard. As the door to the girls’ room swung open behind her and Nina entered, it became impossible.

“What happened?” Nina asked, her voice gentler than it had been in the dorm a few minutes earlier. “Are you okay?”

Turning towards Nina, Kirsten shrugged, but immediately started crying. She was so embarrassed as Nina pulled her into a hug, because she wasn’t sure why she was so upset. After a little prodding, she told Nina what had just transpired between her and Derek.

“I feel like such a loser,” Kirsten concluded, looking up at Nina’s sympathetic eyes. “I mean, why am I so freaked out?”

“It sounds like you weren’t ready,” Nina said in a no-nonsense voice. “It sounds like Derek had you do something you were not in the right space to do yet. That was wrong of him.”

Shaking her head, Kirsten freed herself from Nina’s embrace. “No, that doesn’t make sense,” she insisted. “I mean, why would he force me to do something to make ME feel good? No, he was great and I’m just being weird.”

Furrowing her eyebrows, Nina looked far from convinced. “I don’t care if it was for you or if you came or what,” she said, ignoring Kirsten’s blush at the crassness of her words. “Derek totally just pushed you into doing something you didn’t want and weren’t ready for.”

“No,” Kirsten insisted, shaking her head. “No, I’m sorry I made it sound like that,” her voice got slightly higher. “I’m sorry I worried you, Nina. But I did want it. Derek didn’t do anything wrong. I just got freaked out because it was the first time I’ve let a guy touch me like that. Please, just forget it.”

“I won’t forget it-” Nina started, but Kirsten cut her off, her voice sounding more upset now.

“Fine,” Kirsten replied, anger mixing with humiliation. “Fine, don’t believe me. But you better not say anything to Hunter. I’m trusting you.”

Staring at Kirsten, Nina was shocked into silence. Her roommate had obviously just been pushed into an uncomfortable physical situation, and all she was worried about was that Nina might say something to Hunter, because then Hunter might say something to Derek.

“Fine,” Nina crossed her arms over her chest. “I won’t say anything to Hunter. OR Derek,” she cut off Kirsten when she saw her friend about to interject. “Just as long as you promise you won’t let him pressure you into anything like that again.”

“I promise,” Kirsten replied immediately, letting out a sigh of relief. She knew Nina wasn’t happy, but at least she wouldn’t say anything that would get back to Derek and embarrass Kirsten further.

As the walked in silence back to the dorm room, Kirsten gave herself a silent pep-talk. Maybe she had let Derek move too quickly, but it wasn’t his fault; she hadn’t said anything. Next time, she would make sure she let him know what her boundaries were and when they were being crossed.

“Maybe there won’t be a next time,” Kirsten thought suddenly as she entered the room behind Nina, her heart sinking to her stomach. On the floor across from her, Derek and one of the girls from the group were laughing and talking, obviously flirting as they smiled at each other and jokingly batted the other’s shoulders. Neither even looked up as the door opened.

”I’m sorry,” Kirsten said suddenly, turning back out of the room. “I think I’m sick.”

She barely made it to the bathroom before she felt her stomach turn inside-out and she threw up into the toilet.


“I’m confused,” Patch furrowed his eyebrows, looking a bit annoyed. “You’re being really evasive. Is Kirsten okay, Nina?”

A week had passed since the study session, and Kirsten had been acting withdrawn that whole time. When Nina had found her in the bathroom stall sweaty and having obviously just gotten sick, Kirsten denied it.

And then later, and for the past few days, Kirsten had been incredibly quiet. She studied late at the library, never met Nina for lunch or coffee, and kept saying that things were fine when asked. Even when Nina brought up the other evening, Kirsten had just shaken her head and given a weak smile.

“I told you, Nina,” Kirsten was obviously trying to seem nonchalant. “I wanted what happened with Derek to happen. I just got a little freaked out at first because it was my first time doing that. But it’s fine now. I’m glad it happened.”

Despite Kirsten’s protest, Nina didn’t believe her for a moment. While Nina didn’t think Derek had actually forced anything on Kirsten, she believed her innocent and naïve roommate had been taken advantage of. That’s why she was talking to Kirsten’s oldest friend right now.

The problem was, Nina felt like she would be betraying Kirsten if she told Patch any details. Instead, after photography class she had starting asking general questions, like “Does Kirsten seem okay to you?” and “Do you think anything has changed with Kirsten lately?” Thinking about her evasiveness, Nina could understand why Patch seemed to be getting frustrated with her.

“Fine,” Nina sighed, motioning towards a private bench for her and Patch to sit on. “I don’t want to betray Kirsten’s confidence, but some stuff had been going on in her life lately,” she looked at Patch for some sort of recognition, but only got a look of confusion in return. “Anyway,” she continued in frustration. “I just wanted to see if it was just me, or if you saw it, too.”

“Well, I haven’t seen Kirsten much this past week because of midterms,” Patch said slowly, still completely unable to decipher what Nina was holding back from him. “But now that you’ve said something, I’ll try to make plans with her and see if she opens up.”

Letting out a soft sigh of relief, Nina patted Patch’s shoulder. “That’s what I wanted to hear,” she admitted.

“Is there something I should know before I see her?” Patch’s dark eyes pleaded for Nina to tell him something – anything – that would make him feel less worried and in the dark about Kirsten.

Biting her lip, Nina considered it for a moment but ended up shaking her head. “No,” she said slowly. “I just think it would be a good idea for you to hang out with her and see how she’s doing. After all, she’s known you forever, right?”

“Right,” Patch agreed, rising along with Nina as their conversation ended. They walked over towards Nina’s dorm before saying goodbye. But throughout his walk back towards his next class, Patch just wished Nina had told him more.

After all, if Kirsten was hurt, or in trouble, or needed anything, Patch would try to help her. Anything at all.