Lessons on Being Alone

As Vivian rounded the corner and the ‘Delta Blues’ doorway became visible the butterflies in her stomach intensified. She couldn’t remember ever being this nervous and tried to mentally reason out the cause. ‘It could be a combination of stage fright – I mean; I will be playing in a jazz lounge with a somewhat captive audience. Or perhaps it’s the new music?’ Vivian had been practicing every night since her audition 3 days ago and she felt a good deal more comfortable with the music due to her efforts but she still hadn’t really been playing jazz since high school and was afraid that she would struggle through her first couple weeks and cause Sam to regret hiring her. ‘Maybe part of my nervousness is the new environment, I’m not much of a drinker so perhaps it’s just the whole ‘bar’ scene, I want to fit in so badly…’

Vivian slipped in the side door that she had been shown during her interview. She hung her jacket up beside someone’s winter coat and made her way to the office.

Sam was talking on the phone and motioned for her to sit down on one of the chairs that helped to furnish the small office. Vivian glanced around the room curiously, trying her best to not be listening in on the conversation Sam was having. The room was a deep maroon color and the chairs were black leather, nice even though Vivian could tell they were well-used. Various beer signs and liquor posters adorned the walls as well as a flashing neon marquee with a picture of a saxophone and a baby grand piano.

Sam’s conversation eventually caught Vivian’s attention when she heard him mention Jake, the guy that had been so helpful to her over her interview. Even just thinking about Jake caused her face to heat. ‘It was just that he was so good looking,’ she reasoned, ‘and he seemed to like her despite her nervousness – plus he is really nice to everyone apparently. That quality is perhaps even more attractive then his golden-boy good looks,’ Vivian admitted to herself.

Pulling herself out of her thoughts she noticed that it seemed as if someone was inquiring about Jake and how he had been because Sam replied, “Oh Jake, you know, he seems to be doing great. He has taken over training all the new bartenders and helps out in the office a couple times a week. He knows the whole place inside and out – I think that he is ready to run the place myself.” Sam was quiet for a moment and then caught Vivian’s eye and mouthed ‘I’m sorry – one minute.’ Vivian smiled and waved him off while she averted her gaze and desperately tried not to listen in. “No, he and Jenny are still together. Yeah, she is here most mornings when I come in. This might be the real deal for Jake – wouldn’t your wife love that? She’d have a wedding to plan and possible grandchildren in the near future!” Sam laughed at a comment from the phone line and then added, “Well, he is a big boy I’m sure he knows what he is doing but it never hurts to get advice from your father, you should stop in and check up on us sometime. We have a new musician that you’ll have to hear.” Sam grinned at Vivian and then said his goodbyes.

“I apologize that I kept you waiting like that. Are you ready for tonight?” Sam stood up and began rummaging through a drawer of music. He selected a file full of music and handed it to Vivian. “I know you said that you like to memorize your music but having a hard copy of some of the most popular songs isn’t a bad idea until you get used to the flow and all.”

“Thanks Sam, I think I’m ready. I have been practicing but yeah, you could say I’m a little nervous.” Vivian tried to steady her hands so Sam wouldn’t guess exactly HOW nervous she actually was. Her voice was weak and Sam patted her on the back encouragingly.

“Hey, everybody has a first night sometime – no need to worry. If you need more breaks tonight then usual we will just put on the track and give you some extra time.” Sam led her out of the office and into the main lounge area where the tables were set up and various employees were rushing around in preparation for opening.

“You remember Jake right?” Sam asked as he settled down in a barstool, behind the counter Jake was stocking his well liquors. Jake was dressed in a crisp white button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up and the collar open and black pants partially covered by an apron. Vivian secretly thought that he looked very professional and yet oddly sensual and she had to fight a blush as she set down next to Sam and nodded.

“Hey kid! Are you ready for your big night?” Jake straitened and leaned over on the counter with a lop-sided grin on his face. He was glad to see ‘Beethoven’ back and even more amused to note that she was still blushing.

“Honestly?” Vivian swallowed nervously. “I don’t think that I have ever been this nervous before in my life. I think the last time I was even close to this nervous was junior prom when my mother made me go - even though my step-sister had butchered my hair! I had this weird orange cat hair with yellow streaks where the highlights should have been – my date made me wear his baseball hat all night, it was a complete nightmare!” Vivian’s voice had strengthened as she shot Sam and Jake a despairing look and sighed even as they burst out laughing at her melodrama.

“Yes, well – no cat hair for you tonight and you look very respectable – I’m sure you’ll do just fine,” Jake teased. Vivian was dressed simply in a long black dress with a slight scooped neck and black heels. Her hair was pulled back in silver barrettes and she had on lip gloss and eye-shadow. Vivian blushed at Jakes appraisal causing him to laugh at her again. “If you need any liquid courage I know where you can find a bartender who just might help you out!”

“Oh no! Not me – drunk AND nervous?” Vivian shuddered. “You don’t even want to imagine the possibility!” She walked to the stage with the sound of Jake’s laughter following her.


Hours later Vivian was exhausted but relieved. ‘I did alright, I mean – they liked me. I didn’t mess up any of the music too badly and I was even able to field some requests. I knew that could do it!’ She walked back over to the bar where Jake and another bartender, Trevor were clean up their station. She slipped into the barstool beside a lovely blonde girl she hadn’t met and Sam. “Well, how do you think I’ll do?” Her question was directed at Sam but for some reason she was also curious to know what Jake had thought of her playing.

“Do? How did you do? You know your brilliant right? I mean for someone who knows as much about music as you must, you have to know how brilliantly you played.” Sam was gushing and boyishly excited about Vivian’s success. “You didn’t even seem nervous! You are a natural and I am grateful to have you with us – you’re going to be such a good fit.”

Vivian had to hide her pleased expression at Sam’s praise. Her secret elation was visible on her tired face and Jake had to grin at how transparent her face and expressions made her. “Really,” Jake chimed in, “you played beautifully and I have never heard so many positive comments about a musician before, the guests loved you!”

Vivian grinned at both of the men. “Thanks, that helps a lot to hear. I just wanted to do well so badly…” she trailed off and glanced over at the girl who was giving her a curious look.

“Hi! Jake’s manners are a little on the non-existent side sometimes, my name is Jenny.” Vivian shook her hand warmly and smiled at her as Jenny continued. “I didn’t get to hear you play but from the sound of it I missed out! Jake never gets excited about any of the music so it must have been impressive. And this is your first night? You must be exhausted.”

Vivian immediately liked this girl. She was bubbly and talkative both of which Vivian herself knew that she wasn’t and wanted to be. She seemed nice if a little silly and ‘girly’ for lack of a better term. Vivian recognized the name ‘Jenny’ from the phone conversation from early and assumed that this was the one that Jake was getting serious with. She brushed aside a small feeling of disappointment, ‘You knew that someone as great as Jake appears to be would be taken – all the good ones are.’

Vivian nodded in reply to Jenny, “Yeah, I’m so tired and I have to be up and playing at the mall by 10 so I should get going. It was great to meet you and I am sure that I will see you later.” Vivian stood and shook hands with Sam thanking him again for the job and excused herself. Before she could walk too far away she heard Jake quietly tell Trevor to walk her to the metro stop and she glanced up in surprise. She shook her head and walked back to the bar where Trevor was already removing his apron and searching for his coat, “That’s really not necessary Jake, Trevor – I will be fine waking by myself, I go every where in this city and I have never had any trouble.” Her smile was soft, “I wouldn’t want to cause you any extra work,” she said directing her comment to Trevor.

“Just humor us guys will you? We like to think that we are needed.” Jake winked at her and clapped Trevor on the back. He didn’t like to think of her walking by herself at 2 in the morning down the deserted streets. It was dangerous and unsafe for her to be going alone. Jake wasn’t sure why he felt so protective of Vivian, he had never really interfered before, if a girl had wanted to be independent he would let them, but he knew instinctively that Vivian was more important then that and felt sure that she would be safe with Trevor.

“Don’t worry – the Metro stop is only a few blocks from my apartment, its on my way,” Trevor assured her. “Come on, let’s go get your coat.”

“Well…,” Vivian hesitated, “if your sure its no trouble?” At his encouraging nod they slipped back to the coat room and Vivian quickly gathered her things. As they made their way back into the main barroom they caught Jenny and Jake in mid-kiss. Jenny had boosted herself up on the counter while Vivian and Trevor had been gone and had pulled Jake’s head down for a quick kiss.

As Jake had come to know Jenny he realized that her public displays of affection were not something that she necessarily did for attention but more it was just in character with her personality. She was very outgoing and was not afraid of people watching. Jenny was a ‘cuddler’ by nature and was always kissing and touching Jake. Right at this moment she had her tongue playfully touching his and had worked her hand down behind the counter top to stroke him. ‘It’s just that she comes across so clingy sometimes, so demanding,’ Jake thought disloyally as he broke off the kiss and took a step back with a slight frown on his face. Glancing up, he was unsettled to see Trevor’s grinning face and Vivian’s embarrassed one.

Jenny didn’t notice anything amiss as she hopped down from the bar, “I’ll be upstairs waiting when you’re done babe.” She tossed a seductive expression over her shoulder as she climbed the stairs.

“Sorry about that,” Jake apologized, “her timing is never very good.” For some reason he felt he had to say something, explain somehow – but there were no good words for his and Jenny’s relationship. It had started out as ‘just for fun’ and somewhere along the line it had blossomed out of control and now their mothers were planning the wedding, Jake felt trapped and vaguely claustrophobic.

Vivian brushed off his apology and wished him a good-night rather quickly avoiding his eyes out of embarrassment. ‘Get a grip Viv,’ she scolded herself, ‘you’ve seen couples kissing before.’ But Jenny’s every move had oozed sexuality and she was pretty sure that behind the bar Jenny’s hand had been stroking Jake. It was just a little much to take.

“G’night you two – be safe,” Jake told them and then it was his turn to flush when Trevor responded, “Yes, Mother.” Both Vivian and Trevor laughed at Jake’s expression and turned to go.

As they made their way to the front door something that Trevor said made Vivian laugh and blush and for a moment Jake, who was watching them leave, wished - irrationally, that he had been the one to walk with Vivian. ‘Yeah man, but Jenny is waiting for you upstairs and besides you barely know this girl,’ he tried to convince himself. But as he locked up after the two of them he found himself watching long after they went down the street and disappeared out of sight.