Of Truth and Trust

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Chapter 3


Christopher hadn’t expected to find himself on the other end of Sebastian’s wrath; he hadn’t told Nathanial anything severe, after all, and the boy had taken it well anyway. They hadn’t even spoken about Sebastian in the past few weeks, even if they did spend a lot of time together. Not to mention that he himself had been through with Sebastian for nearly a year, now. It…simply didn’t make sense; Christopher was no threat to him. There should have been no need for his cruel games.

It was after first period that the note was discovered, and as always news spread through the school without a word being said; the downcast eyes and tense silence were enough. Christopher and Nathanial came across it together on their way to history. Every once in a while someone would glance up, read the notice, and continue on without comment or expression, content to know they weren’t involved. But when Christopher’s eyes flashed over the careful calligraphy his heart leapt into his throat, choking him. //No…he wouldn’t have. Not after all this time….//

::“Bless me Father, for I have sinned,”:: it read. ::“I fear the close of the seasons, for despite the celebrations of your son, I look forward to nothing more than the bed of my step-brother.”::

Nathanial leaned close to peer at the letter, ignoring the tha that had paused when he approached the notice. He pulled back in shock. “Who would do something like this?” he asked no one in particular. He turned. “Christopher, what is—”

He fell silent at the horrified expression on his friend’s face. //Christopher….// “What is this?” he asked, softer this time. “This can not be true, can it?”

Christopher started at the sound of his friend’s voice, and involuntarily he took a step back. He was shuddering and cold. “Nathan, I....” Feeling suddenly nas als all he could do was retreat, one hand clasped over his mouth as he started down the hall in swift strides. //God, oh God—why? After all this time, why is he doing this to me?// And he knew he had already given himself away, and that someone had to have seen his reaction…. //Oh Nathan, what…how can I face you now? Damn you, Sebastian.// He bit into his palm. //God damn you.//

Nathanial hesitated only a moment before giving chase. //It…it’s about him. But how? Who would put something like that up there?// He caught up to Christopher just as he reached his room, and he had to move fast to keep the heavy door from closing. “Christopher—” Pushing his way inside, he then shut the rest of the floor out and faced his friend. //It had to be about him—he wouldn’t react like this otherwise. God, everyone must have seen….// But that didn’t matter. Even…even if Christopher did want…it didn’t matter as much as the horror of the act. “Who did that?” he demanded softly. “Who did that, Christopher?”

“God *damn* him!” Christopher shouted abruptly, throwing his school bag harshly into the corner of the room. But his anger was short-lived, and with a dry, vengeful sob he sank onto the edge of his bed. He curln onn on himself as he tried to fight back the growing lump in his throat. “It was Sebastian,” he croaked, taking off his glasses to hide his eyes beneath his hand. “*Damn* him, it was him….”

Nathanial went cold. “Sebastian….” //Why…would he do such a thing?// Approaching slowly, he sat down beside the elder boy. It was horrible, and unfair, and totally unprecedented. //Is this what he meant before? About what he’s really like….// “Why would he do this?” he asked gently. “How…did he know?”

“Because this is what he does,” Christopher replied in bitter frustration. He could feel his hand shuddering against his forehead as a few tears escaped down his cheeks. “He takes care of us, seduces us, fucks us, destroys us—it’s all a game to him, just some idle amusement.” He gulped, choked faintly on another quiet sob, and kept going. “You saw the book, didn’t you? The crossed out names? We’re all his targets. That…that filthy….” //No. No, he’s no worse than you,// he reminded himself, and it only made the cold pit in his stomach worse.

“I saw,” he admitted softly. //I saw…and I didn’t ask.// Taking a chance, Nathanial set his arm lightly around the other’s trembling shoulders. “I’m sorry, Christopher. That’s…just horrible, what he did. And he won’t get away with it, okay? He won’t.” His grip tightened slightly, hoping to somehow comfort his friend.

“No.” Christopher’s hand fell over his friend’s knee and squeezed tightly. “No, don’t do anything. Just…let him be.” He managed to get his breath under control long enough to stress this important point. “I don’t want him to hurt you, like the others. Just stay out of his way, and don’t tell him anything. I’m….” He sagged a little beneath the gentle weight of Nathanial’s arm. “It’s not like he’s posting lies, after all.”

“That doesn’t matter,” he said fiercely. “Whether it’s true or not, it’s a horrible thing to say. And to take something that someone told in confidence…to do that to them….” Nathanial glanced away so his friend couldn’t see his expression. “Everyone has secrets, has some sin. That is why we pray for forgiveness. He has no right to taunt people like that.” Facing Christopher once more, he gave the boy a light squeeze. “Do not worry about me—a brat like him shan’t beat me.”

“Nathanial….” Christopher shuddered, all the strength having left him by now as he leaned against the boy at his side. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t…want you to see that. I just….” He hid again beneath trembling fingers. //How can a boy like him even stand to be here with me?// “I’m sorry. I’m sorry….”

Nathanial gently hushed him. “Do not apologize,” he said softly. “I’m sure you’ve asked for enough forgiveness, and this has been more than your share of punishment.” He hugged the other close, letting him cry himself out for a few moments before speaking up again. //Sebastian…. I won’t forgive you for this. I won’t let this go easily—you have no right to punish anyone.// “Now listen,” he whispered. “You need to get a hold of yourself, okay? You cannot let a brat like him defeat you. I will not let you sit by while he crosses off your name in that damn little book of his. You are not going to be another of his victims. Understand, Christopher?”

Christopher wiped his face on his sleeve, somewhat stunned by the quiet strength in Nathanial\'s voice. \"Yes. Yes, I understand.\" He took a deep breath and let it out in a shuddering sigh. \"I just...I trusted him, once. We all did.\" He looked guiltily away. \"I know it must sound strange to you, but...I don\'t want to hurt him. I can\'t. He...was right about me, after all.\" His fingers were curled stiffly, and he forced them to open--slowly, like peeling back the petals of a flower.

\"Even if he was,\" he replied, just as quietly, \"he had no right to break that trust you put in him. That is simply cruel, and completely unacceptable to me. Trust and friendship is something to be cherished.\" //Stop it--you cannot get overly emotional right now. Christopher needs you, and you still have to face Sebastian.// Giving the other some space, Nathanial rubbed at the taller boy\'s back in encouragement. \"Now you just relax for a bit, hmm? I\'ll go to our professor later and explain that you were not feeling well and get our assignments.\" He stood, fists tight. \"And do not worry about that note--I shall take care of it right now.\"

\"No--wait.\" Christopher wanted to push to his feet, but he wasn\'t sure he was strong enough to support himself, so he settled with taking the boy\'s wrist. \"I don\'t care if you leave it. Don\'t you see what will happen? You\'re the new kid, and Sebastian\'s new roommate--if you try to take it down, everyone will think he\'s talking about you.\" //I don\'t want that. He doesn\'t deserve my sins.//

Nathanial glanced back with calm eyes. \"Let them,\" he replied simply. \"It\'s not about me, so it will not bother me if they think that. And it will take pressure off you, right?\" He smiled. \"I don\'t have any siblings, and most of the people here know it anyway.\" With firm gentleness, Nathanial took the hand from his wrist and pressed it back into his friend\'s lap. \"Be strong, Christopher. I shall return later.\" He gave the boy a last pat on the shoulder and headed for the door.

\"Nathan....\" Christopher felt his tears returning, and he quickly scrubbed at his eyes to keep them from falling. \"Thank you,\" he whispered, smiling weakly. \"Thank you.\"

Nathanial didn\'t reply as he slipped out the door. His smile immediately faded as he marched down to the message board. There were still students about, all trying to read the note without looking like they were. Taking a moment to steal his convictions--picturing the distressed expression of his friend--he marched straight forward and tore the paper from the wall. He heard several gasps and felt every eye now turned on him. It was horribly uncomfortable, but Nathanial only straightened his back as he headed off to find his roommate.

---

Sebastian hummed faintly to himself as he flipped through the pages of his biology book. He didn\'t mind the subject--not quite as easy to grasp as math was for him, but not all that bad, either. It just meant he actually had to read the text once in a while. On a day like this he didn\'t mind--he was seated in one of the many campus courtyards, reclining on a wide stone bench. He hadn\'t been there long, however, when he noticed a familiar figure stalking toward him from the direction of the school. //So, he found the note. Brilliant.// He smiled and pretended not to notice Nathanial\'s approach.

Nathanial came straight up to his roommate, stopped, and held up the paper. \"Why did you do this?\" he asked, trying to sound calm--for Christopher\'s sake. //How dare he look that calm--he knows what he\'s done.// \"How could you do such a thing?\"

\"Insurance,\" Sebastian replied easily, not looking up from his book. There was no need to try and hide the truth from Nathanial; Christopher had probably already told him everything by now. \"He understands.\"

\"I don\'t,\" he said firmly, unmoving. \"Explain to me what humiliating him will do. Explain what he did to you that would require such a horrible action.\" //Sebastian, what are you thinking? This...this just isn\'t right.//

\"Christopher\'s a smart boy.\" Sebastian licked his thumb to turn the next page. \"I don\'t mind, as long as he knows his place. But when he starts getting brave--starts talking--it\'s necessary that I take care of myself. It\'s not so difficult to understand.\"

Nathanial\'s eyes narrowed. \"You said, had I asked, that you would have told me all that anyway. He did nothing wrong, not to warrant such an attack.\" He crumpled the paper into a ball and stuffed it into his pocket to be thrown away later. //I cannot believe this. I...I never thought he was this horrible.// Unable to face the other boy any longer, he turned his back on him. \"I shan\'t let you do this,\" he murmured, almost to himself. \"To Christopher, or to anyone. It\'s not right.\" Fists cled, ed, he began to walk away.

Sebastian glanced up, and though it was against his better judgment he stood and called after him. \"And what will you do, Nathanial?\" his voice rang seriously across the courtyard. \"How can you save him from the truth? How can you save yourself?\" And he laughed, long and loud.

He paused. //Sebastian....// Closing his eyes, he refused the impulse to glance over his shoulder. \"I shall only need saving if I get into trouble,\" he replied simply. \"And I plan to never be in that position.\" Now he did look back--against his better judgment--and felt a strange pang of hurt at the cold sound of the other\'s voice. \"You\'re not who I thought you were,\" he said without thinking, before turning and leaving again.

Sebastian paused, watching the boy as he departed. \"Is that so,\" he murmured, and his face was still a moment before twisting in a grin. \"Good.\" With a faint sigh he seated himself once more and returned to his book.

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After a quick visit to Professor Anderson’s office—assuring him that Christopher’s “illness” would clear up soon—he returned to his friend’s room with a small stack of papers. “I’m back,” he called softly, peeking in the door. Seeing Christopher resting on the bed, he slipped inside with a sympathetic smile. “How are you feeling?” he asked gently.

“Better,” Christopher said quietly, sitting up and reaching for his glasses. He smoothed back a few strands of hair as he offered his friend a smile. “I’m sorry about all this,” he said quietly. “I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.”

He shook his head easily. “I know about brats,” he said softly, dropping down beside his friend. “Do not fret over me, understand? Worry about this extra homework Anderson gave us instead.” With a grin, he dropped the papers down between them. “Feel like tacklthisthis now, or…do you want to talk?” he asked carefully.

“Did you….” Christopher swallowed hard as his eyes shifted over the other. “Did you talk to Sebastian?” he asked diffidently. He was fearful of knowing what had taken place, but also somewhat awed. “What did you say to him?”

Nathanial nodded, glancing away. “I did. He just said it was ‘insurance,’ to defend himself against talking. Well, I took the paper down, and he can’t use it against you again.” He set a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Keep your head up, Christopher,” he encouraged. “Whatever sins we hold, we’ve already asked the Lord’s Forgiveness, and we’ve been granted it. We hardly need Sebastian’s approval in the light of that, do we?”

“No.” He smiled shakily. “No, I suppose not. Just….” He took Nathanial’s hand from his shoulder and held it tightly. “Be careful, Nathan. I don’t think you’ll need to worry about him…the way I do…but if you push him too far he can get you expelled. He’s done it before—he’s even attacked the teachers. But if we stay quiet, so will he.”

He remained quiet for a long moment, just staring at their joined hands. “I would rather face expulsion,” he murmured, squeezing the other’s fingers, “than let him control me through fear.” Nathanial turned to his friend with serious eyes. “I understand how you feel—you need to stay in this school. So you shall remain quiet. But I cannot let him hurt anyone like that again, if I can help it. As his roommate, it’s my responlitylity.”

Christopher’s eyes opened a little wider. //He’s…really that strong. Someone like him might….// His expression hardened. //I don’t want to hurt Sebastian, either, but….// “I don’t have much left to lose,” he said with a little more confidence. “Whatever you decide to do, I’ll try to be strong enough to stand beside you.”

Nathanial smiled, sincerely and with gratitude. “Thank you, Christopher. But I do not want you in any more trouble for now.” Using his other hand, he patted the other on the knee. “Relax for now, help me with my homework, and we shall call it even. It seems I’ve lost my math tutor, after all.” He turned away again, something heavy settling in his stomach. //I thought…I could trust you, Sebastian. I thought we were friends.// But it didn’t matter anymore. Nathanial had suffered disappointment before—he could handle it now.

Christopher’s eyes thinned slightly. //I know, Nathan. I know exactly how you feel.// But he smiled and gave the boy’s hand a squeeze. “All right—let’s get to work, then.” He reached for his desk, taking out a few biscuits he’d saved from breakfast to share. //I’ll do what I can to make this easier on both of us.//

Nathanial stayed for nearly two hours, studying and generally trying to keep his friend’s spirits up. Eventually they had to head to dinner, and the meal greatly improved everyone’s mood. There were still several students that sent him strange, curious gazes, but he did his best to pretend that nothing was wrong.

Afterwards he begged to head to bed early. “It’s been a tough day, and I have to make up for all the studying I did not get done today,” he explained with a weary smile.

“It’s fine,” Christopher assured with a nod. “I think we could both use some res He He patted Nathanial lightly on the shoulder. “I know you’re probably sick of me by now, but if Sebastian gives you any trouble, you’re always welcome. I’m sure Martin would welcome you, too.”

He nodded. “Thank you, Christopher. I appreciate it, and I shall keep that in mind.” With a wave to his friends, Nathanial headed off to his dorm.

Entering the room, he found Sebastian already there, looking as calm as ever. //And all this time…he’s been laughing at me. “Typing” me.// Nathanial opened the door wide and held it, just watching the other. “Please leave,” he said evenly.

Sebastian glanced up from the book he’d been reading, and blinked. “No,” he replied in kind. “This is my room, too. I have every right to be here.” He lowered his gaze once more. “I won’t bother you, if you want to study.”

Nathanial shook his head. “I’m not going to study. I simply ask for an hour to spend by myself. I do not care where you go or what you do.” His fingers tightened around the doorknob, not taking his eyes from the other. “Please, Sebastian.”

Sebastian snorted quietly as he pushed to his feet. Without a word he set his book aside, combed out his hair, and crossed the few feet to the door where Nathanial stood. His expression was blank and calm as he met his roommate’s unblinking gaze. “Are you going to cry?”

Keeping as still as he could, he held the other’s eyes for a quiet moment. “If I do,” he answered softly, “You will not see it.” He nodded to the hall in a silent reminder that the boy was on his way out.

“I want you to know,” Sebastian said evenly, “that what I did to him had nothing to do with you, or anything he might have told you about me.” When he smiled it was without humor. “You can misjudge me all you like. But before you accuse me of anything, you’d better know what you’re talking about. You don’t know me as well as I know Christopher, after all.”

“None of that matters,” he said strongly. “What you you or Christopher want to tell me, I’ll listen. I do not need to be told, not like what you did. I want to learn such things when the person trusts me. Because we’re friends.” His eyes grew hard, fueled by the recent memories of the long moments in Christopher’s room. “And this has everything to do with me, because Christopher is my friend. Whatever your reasons, you hurt him. I haven’t misjudged that.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow appreciatively. “I’ll be back in an hour,” he said, moving past Nathanial into the hall. “I won’t say anything, if you’re not done crying by then.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets and hummed quietly as he left.

Nathanial closed the door behind him, locking it before slipping out of his shoes. It only took him a moment to change, turn off the lights, and climb into bed. He set his glasses aside, running both hands through his hair to free it from the oils he used to keep it back.

He wasn’t sure what hurt more—the sympathetic guilt over seeing his friend’s distress, the ache of knowing that friend had…sinned in such a way….

…or the betrayal of Sebastian’s actions.

After a moment it didn’t really matter anymore, all the emotions building painfully until he let them go. In the silent dark of the room he could almost pretend he was back home, alone in a place where no one depended on him, no one would appear in an hour to laugh over him, and no one would stare at him as he walked down the hall.

Forty minutes later Nathanial was still and quiet, curled beneath his blankets and staring blankly at the wall. He was exhausted, but he had to stay awake. Just…until Sebastian came back.

Sebastian returned fifty-six minutes later—he figured by then the last four minutes wouldn’t have done his friend much good. He entered to find the room dark, Nathanial wrapped in his blankets, too still to be asleep. //Poor little Nathanial. You look so small, over there.// He paused next to his bed, hesitating. //I know I’m not wrong about you.// “Nathanial. I’m sorry,” he said honestly; it was the truth—he hadn’t wanted it to come to this. Nathanial deserved better than that.

He had to stay quiet another few moments, just to be sure his voice wouldn’t sound like he’d been crying. “You do not need to say anything,” he murmured, burying just a bit deeper into his blankets. “Excuse me, but I’m tired. I’ing ing to sleep.” //Please, Sebastian, do not do this right now. I cannot do this right now.//

Sebastian considered a moment longer. //I’m not going to leave it like this tonight.// He loosened his tie and let it fall to the floor as he crossed the room to Nathanial’s bedside. Without a word he sat down and began to rub the boy’s back. //I know you, Nate. You’re just like every other kid here, aren’t you? You all need this.//

Nathanial immediately pulled away, shrugging the hand off. “Don’t touch me,” he whispered. //Please, please don’t do this. Don’t do this to me now.// He pulled the blankets tighter.

“Don’t run away from me,” Sebastian retorted quietly, reaching for him again. “You can’t, because I’m here, and I know you.” He spoke with soft confidence, a faint, grim smile on his lips. “And if you’re honest with me, I won’tt yot you. That’s all I ask of anyone.”

Nathanial jerked away again, sitting up though he kept his back turned. “Like Christopher was honest with you?” he questioned harshly. “Like he trusted you?” Reaching back, he blindly found his glasses, putting them on and smoothing back his hair before facing his roommate. “You do not know me,” he replied softly. “If you did, you would know that I can not be so easy with someone who so viciously hurt my friend.”

Despite all his serious air a moment before, this time Sebastian couldn’t help but laugh. “I told you not to accuse me before you knew what you were talking about,” he replied, leaning back slightly. “Christopher, honest with me? He only told me because he knew I was the only one who wouldn’t be disgusted with him. And I’m not—I love Christopher. And if I hurt him, it was the best thing for him.” He turned his head coyly. “But then, a sinless angel like yourself wouldn’t understand.”

//Sebastian…you are still laughing.// His eyes narrowed. “I am not disgusted,” he informed the other softly. “The same as I was not when I learned about you, because it is not my right to judge another’s sins. And it is not your right to judge the sins of otheinclincluding me. God knows my sins, and I ask His forgiveness every day.” He tugged at his blankets. “Would you please get off? I would like to get some sleep now.”

“No.” Sebastian snatched his shoulder, using his greater strength to force Nathanial’s back against the mattress. He pinned the boy’s wrists easily. “Do you really believe I judge them?” he demanded, his green eyes flashing against dull moonlight. “These boys don’t want the forgiveness of God—they want their pride, their fame, their parents’ fortunes. And if I didn’t expose them they would cower like infants until the world dragged them out, and pinned them open and let them bleed. I set them free, and when they realize that they’ll never have to ask for forgiveness again.”

Nathanial was silent, just staring blankly up at the other boy. He didn’t struggle, even if he wanted to. //Maybe he’s right, and maybe he’s not. It does not matter—none of that matters. Whatever he thinks he does…it does not need to hurt like that. Christopher did not need to suffer like that.// He blinked, slowly and deliberately. //You cannot scare me.// “Get off.”

Sebastian’s eyes widened, but otherwise his expression didn’t change. Quietly he snorted. “All right then.” He leaned back a little, taking his time as he pushed to his feet once more. He returned to his bed in long strides and didn’t bother changing clothes as he flopped into bed os bas back. “Goodnight, Nathanial.”

“Good night.” Nathanial rolled onto his side once more, though he didn’t attempt to hide beneath his blankets again. His hands were trembling slightly, but the other wouldn’t see them. And he knew he should have kept quiet, knew he shouldn’t have said more, but…. “You were wrong about me,” he murmured to the wall. “I know my sins. I do not care what type you make me, but I will not be your next toy.” //Or anyone else’s. And I won’t let you hurt them either, whether they’re lost or not.//

Sebastian smiled at tall.all. “If that’s true, then I’m glad.” He stretched his head back. “I’m proud of you.”

Nathanial snorted. “I do not need your approval,” he muttered, sinking a bit further into the mattress.

“I know. I just thought you’d appreciate my honesty.” He scratched his stomach and chuckled quietly. “Goodnight, Nate. I’m glad we had this talk.” He turned on his side, away from his roommate, and without bothering with the covers closed his eyes.

//I’m not.// Nathanial closed his eyes as well, curling up beneath the heavy blankets with a sigh. “Good night,” he answered dully. //Now…if only I knew what to do….//

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