Divinitas

022 - Watashi no Kokoro

My Heart...

~ * ~

Phoenix wasn\'t beside him. That was the first thought that presented itself to Aether when he awoke the next morning. It was the first time Phoenix had been able to escape from Aether\'s clutches without the older boy knowing about it. He had been too contented from last night, hadn\'t he?

Was it alright, giving into Phoenix like that? Taking that unwilling first step to being intoxicated with the younger boy. Utterly absorbed… Weaving their emotions together until it was knotted.

\'I do not love you.\' Those five little words. Said to sooth his still wounded heart. And \'I\'ve yet to know what true love is.\' To know was to receive. But the painful truth to his heart was that he had loved, and lost love. Phoenix. The true Child of Fire. The reincarnation of the God of Fire.

A burdened sigh escaped Aether\'s perfect lips as he opened his eyes, finally ready to face the weary world.

And the weary world was awfully grey this morning.

He blinked several times, but nothing changed. On the brink of panic, he sat up and tried rubbing his eyes, only to discover there was something lying over his face.

A sheet of paper had been stuck to his forehead.

With a mixture of annoyance and anger, Aether pulled the piece of paper off his face and read Phoenix\'s hurried hand writing.

\'I\'m off to work. Though why I\'m bothering to tell you is beyond me. The bet\'s over, so I won\'t be coming back here tonight unless you drag me. Anyway, I\'ve stolen (the word \'borrowed\' was scribbled out) one of your white shirts. Hope you don\'t mind. Actually, I don\'t care if you do mind, you sadistic bastard of a fiend. Phoenix.\'

A soft smile bloomed on Aether\'s lips. So his Sacred Bird of Fire had cared enough to leave him a note at least. More than the God of Fire had ever done. It was little gestures such as these that warmed a cold lonely heart.

Perhaps… Perhaps it would be alright to be a little less possessive and dominating towards Phoenix. Perhaps everything would turn out right. This time.



~ * ~

Sometimes, one couldn\'t help but feel that happiness was a dream, and pain was the only reality. That was a belief Phoenix had harboured for too many years, and right now, his happiness seemed an illusion that would pop like a soap bubble if he so much as looked at it the wrong way.

Well, alright, that was probably an exaggeration, but everything was too perfect. He was letting himself be drawn into a dream that could not be reality because his stubborn spirit wouldn\'t ever allow it. Under different circumstances, the current situation could easily be mistaken for a decent relationship between himself and Aether…

Just the other day he had received a gift from the older boy. An expensive white silk shirt with discreet patterns of twin phoenixes embroidered down its front, attached to which was a note saying:

\'So you need not steal mine… Which, by the way, are two sizes too large for you. I prefer you in something more… form fitting. Aether.\'

How his heart had smiled at that gift. How he had placed the note in a safe place as a memento, only to dig it out the day after and shred it to pieces. As for the shirt, he didn\'t dare wear it. Actually, the first thing he had done with his first pay check was use it to buy himself his own white button down shirts so he wouldn\'t have to be reminded of Aether every time he went to work.

It was undoubtable that their relationship had changed after their little conversation. Aether no longer demanded anything of Phoenix, though his jealousy every time Casi or any other living thing on two legs even glanced at Phoenix was overly apparent. Instead, the older boy was courting Phoenix, as if he was seriously trying to win his affections.

This, in Phoenix\'s opinion, was much worse than their piror arrangement, despite the fact it was a lot less physically painful. The confusion it brought him was ten times worse, and the fear that all this could be some elaborate joke on Aether\'s part was driving Phoenix insane. Of course, this wouldn\'t have mattered in the least, if Phoenix didn\'t feel something for Aether other than mere physical attraction. But of course, that wasn\'t the case.

The boy banged his forehead against the wall in the café, for what, one of the waitresses there counted, was the seventeenth time. Her work partner, in her opinion, was going slowly insane. Each week that passed had him banging his head more and more. She was sure that Phoenix would pass out from a concussion if he kept it up.

\"It\'s not schoolwork related stress, is it?\" Ray asked at last, putting a cushion from one of the chair between Phoenix and the wall so instead of a loud bang, there was a muffled thud. \"I mean, it\'s mid-semester break now, so what\'s eating at you, Phoenix?\" She wasn\'t really a nosy girl, but she sure wasn\'t going to let her work partner beat himself to death. Not when they had extra shifts together. Ray had no intention of taking up an extra work load because the boy was lying unconscious on the floor.

\"Nothing,\" the boy bit out before turning away to clear some tables. Their evening rush had just died down, leaving the small café empty but in a mess.

\"Hmm… Is it your girlfriend? You obviously have one, though you never talk about her. I mean, how else did you get that huge hickie on your neck the first day you showed up for work?\" the girl pried as she changed the table cloth and set the table with silver cutlery and napkins.

\"I don\'t have a girlfriend,\" Phoenix growled, feeling exhausted and very pissed off. It took a lot out of him to force a smile and be polite when he felt like tearing everyone\'s head off. The last minute arrangements for him to stay on into the afternoon and evening shift didn\'t help at all.

The auburn haired girl blinked. \"So… How did you get that love bite?\"

Whatever possessed Phoenix to do what he did next even he could not explain. The boy grinned rather nastily and pulled up his shirt, baring his stomach and the name etched onto his pale skin. \"From the same person who carved his name on me.\"

For a moment the girl was shocked into silence, before her curiosity got the better of her and she pounced forward to admire Aether\'s handy work. \"Wow…\" she breathed, large glass green eyes wide and staring. \"I\'m amazed your boyfriend could write so legibly. And that you kept still enough for him to do so.\"

Phoenix twitched. \"He\'s not my boyfriend!\"

\"In denial, are we?\" Ray teased, poking Phoenix in the stomach and sending the boy jumping backwards, nearly knocking a table over.

\"Ray, leave the poor boy alone,\" the middle aged woman intervened, feeling just a little sorry for Phoenix who was the focus of Ray\'s relentless verbal onslaught. \"You two can leave once you\'ve closed up.\"

\"Thanks Mrs Maiden!\" Ray answered the owner brightly. Phoenix just sulked as he took out the trash.

The sky was completely dark now. Would the others be worried? Probably not… They would just think Aether had dragged him into his lair… And as for Aether… Phoenix shook his head. Who cared, damn it!

Goodbyes were said, and the company departed. The moon shone its silvery light down on the deserted path that led homewards. It was the only light. For all the luxury the Castle of Genesis harboured, couldn\'t they even erect a few lights to show the damned path to its gates?

\"Gah… I do not want to walk up that path alone without any lights… Knowing my luck, I\'ll trip and fall to my death…\" Phoenix muttered to himself flatly.

\"Well, don\'t.\" The voice speaking from nowhere nearly made Phoenix jump. Only the fact that it sounded familiar kept the boy from leaping a five feet from the ground. A tiny burning cinder hanging in midair revealed itself to be the tall figure of Ash, standing in smoke ribboned darkness, a stick of his usual brand of cigarettes hanging from his lips. \"Come and have a drink down at the bar before you head back. At least then you\'ll be too drunk to notice the pain of falling to your death,\" Ash joked with a lopsided grin.

For a moment Phoenix was startled into silence. Again this young man had shown up when least expected to offer some form of support for him. He should be suspicious, shouldn\'t he? Of someone like Ash with his mysterious nature and overly friendly behaviour. The boy was tempted to demand there and then why Ash was so kind to him, only his mouth spoke without his thought\'s consent.

\"Aren\'t I a bit under aged to drink at the local bar?\"

\"Don\'t worry, I\'ll buy. No one will ask,\" Ash assured him with an mischievous smile and placing a brotherly arm across Phoenix\'s shoulder so the younger boy didn\'t really have a choice but to accompany him.

The little voices in Phoenix\'s head warred with one another, the little angel saying it was bad, it was wrong, and Aether would miss him along with Draco and Chima. The little devil, on the other hand, complete with horns, tail, and pitchfork, taunted Phoenix, calling him a cheap drunk, and wondering why in the world he even gave a damn about Aether who had in the past so often left him alone after torturing his poor little body.

It was the comment about his being a cheap drunk that convinced Phoenix.

A horse snorted impatiently, hidden by the veil of the night. A shoed hoof struck the concert loudly, sending out a ringing wave in all directions. The rider, wearing a mask of apathy, leaned down and stroked the horse\'s ebony neck to sooth him.

\"Hush, Solar Flare… Let\'s follow our Sacred Bird of Fire, shall we? Let\'s see where this path brings us.\"



~ * ~

\"Look, I\'ll admit it, Ash,\" Phoenix proclaimed loudly over the blare of musical noise and raising his can of beer in a toast position. \"I like Aether. No, no, I love the sadistic bastard who likes nothing more than to torture me!\" The boy quickly downed the remainder of his alcohol and collapsed onto the counter, half sobbing with wretchedness and joy. And to think this was only his second beer.

Ash patted Phoenix on the back reassuringly, drinking from his own can before replying. \"At least you\'re no longer denying it, Phoenix. The first step in this journey is acceptance.\"

Phoenix hiccuped, rolling his head to the side to look up at Ash with glazed crimson eyes. \"But what am I going to do about it?\" he moped, lip quivering as if he would cry any moment. \"I can\'t beat him in a duel! I can\'t I can\'t I can\'t!\" Some distant voice in his head informed of him how utterly childish he sounded, and that he was nothing more than a whining spoilt child at the moment.

\"Do you remember, Phoenix, what I told you when we met in the restaurant? The only reason Aether takes such measures to own you is because he has a phobia of losing you. If you could erase that fear, then perhaps things would be different.\"

The boy opened his mouth and closed it again, mind blank yet overwhelmingly noisy at the same time. Aether had been acting differently ever since their talk. What in their conversation exactly had made such an impression on the Child of Soul? But what did that matter when this whole issue was about principle?

\"Show him I love him?\" Phoenix asked with innocence, lifting his head up and staring with shinning eyes into Ash\'s pale blue ones. \"How can I unless I\'m free to do so? How can he believe it unless I am not under his control?\"

\"There are some things that can not be denied when felt, Phoenix,\" Ash said quietly, leaning forward to close the distance between himself and the younger male sitting beside him. \"You can show him through your eyes. You can shim tim through your touch. And you can show him though your kiss…\"

Oh, but this boy was tempting. His fire, his mixture of innocence and maturity. It was no wonder that his \'owner\' took such lengths to keep him. Invisible chains were attached to that silver collar, engraved with the signature of the one who held them.

The man in his early-twenties smiled as the boy\'s crimson eyes glazed over, separating his mind from the conscious world. Just a taste. For now.

Lips were pressed against lips. A kiss was stolen, fleeting, dream-like to the one it was stolen from. One moment his crimson eyes were wide and staring, and the next they were closed, candle flames blow out with a kiss.

Silent and pure rage flooded through the veins of the watcher. Phoenix may have already forgotten the chaste kiss, but its image was forever burned into Aether\'s mind. To have kissed another so willingly, to then fall asleep without a care in the world… This was what his Phoenix back stabbed him with as soon as the opportunity arose?

It was a mistake to ever even consider that this Sacred Bird of Fire would stay by his side without his golden cage. A mistake to ever unlock the chains, to even loosen them. Bitterness twisted his face as his mind commanded one thing of him through the cries of injustice and blinding anger:

Leave now.

Leave before more mistakes were made and rash actions executed.

There was a sharp creak of the saddle, accompanied by the jingle of the bit before then sudden scrapping of metal shoes on concert. The sounds resounded like thunder as the black stallion was urged into wild gallop, racing the wind back to the castle on top of the world.

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